Ralph Brewer and a co-host argue men should wait at least a year after divorce or infidelity before dating again. Brewer describes his own spiral: losing weight, getting attention from multiple women, then realizing it was just an ego boost that led to bad choices. They stress healing, therapy, and rebuilding friendships first.
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And you talk about with the sex addiction guys, hey dude, take a year off from relationships, work on yourself. That, that's exactly— I don't know if you knew this, that's the exact phrase I give to men that have gone through a divorce, especially those guys that have gone through the betrayal of being cheated on. It's like, give the ladies a rest. The, the line I often use is, the ladies ain't going anywhere, dude. They'll always be there.
That's right.
It's not like you have some kind of biological clock ticking, you got to make babies or something like that. It's just like, cool it, you know, just work on yourself. Work on your friendships and your hobbies and your craft and your career and your mental health, God forbid, and everything else. Just leave the relationships be for a little bit. But they're pretty needy dudes. They're pretty anxious. See, they get a lot of their sense of worth from the attention from ladies, that partnership.
Yeah, I mean, I just think that's a sign if a man just has to jump back in, right? Or if they have to start swiping left and right, right? They don't give themselves any time. That, that just shows— that always tells me like you're not quite ready to do the work, you know? And those guys always come back, they're like, ah, you were right, you know, it didn't work out, or I've— she was just like my last one, right? And, and that's that part when you— how you show up in the world and the work you do will determine, I think, often the partner you find. You know, and I think when you understand vulnerability and emotions and your worth, I think you're going to find someone that can see that and they'll give that back to you, their own, right? And then you have, I think, a healthy relationship.
Yeah. Oh, easier said than done, isn't it? Especially when you got a lot of unhealed, uh, trauma from childhood and certain, you know, certain—
and how about the dating apps, Ralph? Too. That creates a whole nother—
oh, it's addictive.
Yeah, yeah.
How easy it is, especially if you're— okay, here's my story. I'll be completely open and vulnerable. It was cheated on, felt like crap. What am I? What kind of man am I? A lot of sudden weight loss. You talk about you gained weight during yours. My opposite was weight loss. So like a good 20-some-odd pounds of weight loss, which made me feel better about myself. Like, yeah, look at me, I actually look decent now. Thank you, anxiety. Thank you, lack of sleep. And then get back into the gym to work on myself and my stress. And I feel really good about myself and I got some attention from the opposite sex. Of course, they were all not the best relationship candidates, but I got the attention. Made me feel better about myself. All right, let's go on the old online dating thing. Swipe, swipe, swipe. So I swipe. Next thing you know, I got a nice, I was gonna say Rolodex, I'm showing my age. Little black book of, of— I got a roster of gals to call upon. And I'm no Adonis Playboy guy, but I got a taste of that for a relatively short period of time, and that made me feel really, really good. So if I were to go back to Ralph back then, 12 years ago, and say, dude, cool it with the women thing, I'd have been like, I haven't felt this in I don't know how long, last 20-some-odd years. Are you kidding me? Why would I hang that up? But fast forward to now, and I go, oh, Ralph Brewer, what were you doing, dude? Come on now. So it's easier for you and I to say it's tough when they're in the throes of it, but you're right, inevitably, inevitably they all come back and go, yeah, you're all right, it's, uh, that was a mistake.
Yeah, but you know, Ralph, I think for you, right, like you needed to experience that. Or, you know, like I had some of that, some of those same kind of experiences, and what I learned was like, I'm gonna be okay, I am okay. Like, I don't, you know, but that the, the infidelity just beat me down so far that I didn't think anyone would ever want to talk to me, date me, or think I was worthy of anything. It was, it was pretty brutal what it did to my ego. So yeah, so yeah, and that taste, but that taste can be dangerous and intoxicating. That's what—
yeah, there's a school of thought of like, yeah, that's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to jump into the deep end of the pool and and get your heart broken 12 times, and eventually you're like, "Oh, this ain't so bad." So yeah, there's a case to be made for maybe that's one avenue of doing it. But from what I've seen for a lot of men I talk to, not all, but for a lot of men, it's, "Don't worry, Ralph, I'm just gonna go out and have casual sex with a bunch of women. It's been forever since I've gotten any. I was in 10-year dead bedroom with my wife before she cheated on me," whatever it may be. "So I'm gonna go get some." And then gal number one, Number 1, all right, I think this may be the one. I'm like, oh shit, here we go. No, no, no, no, it's different, dude, you don't understand. Um, she's got this going on, this great thing that— sure, she has these other red flags, but yeah, it's fine, you know. And then 6 months later, oh God, it's— yeah, turned out she was an alcoholic, just turned out this, turned out that is something bad. Um, so it's tough to see clearly when you're in the middle of all that nonsense. So when we tell you, for some of you, maybe that's what you need, it's like, oh, I don't know. I still say I don't care If you tell me you've gone through all kinds of therapy or whatever, just give it a year. What's it going to hurt to give it a year? To call all the guys watching this, just give it a rest.
Yeah, it's not that long in the scheme.
No, it goes by fast.
You don't have to experience all this again. You know, I even get guys like, you know, you're saying like they found the one on the first date, if you will. I get the guys that will go and they'll, you know, they'll sleep around and then they'll come up with the realization like like it was not worth it. Like, they realized they felt maybe used. It felt hollow. It felt like a lot of work. It was just so empty that then— and that's when those guys, that's when they really jump in, because they realize like, some— like, I'm off. How I do relationships is off. What I expect from others is off. What I'm seeking is off, you know. And, and I think the bigger truth— and I know I went through this— was I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know what I deserved. I didn't— and because I didn't really know who I was, I didn't know how that, that scarlet letter, if you will, of being cheated on, I didn't know how that was going to mold me and change me into the man I am now, you know. And like, I wish it wouldn't have happened, and I'm glad it happened at the same time.
