Talking About the Dreaded Dead Bedroom - with @thedadvocate

Now, one thing I wanted to bring up about, um, The Dead Bedroom Fix is one thing that I appreciate about it, and one thing I should kind of warn my audience and future readers about is that if, if you're thinking that you're going to open it up and have like the exact right words to make your wife have sex with you, it's really not—

it don't work for me.

It's not exactly how it works. It's not like a pickup artist book, you know, and it's What I appreciate about this is that it's very introspective, and that a lot of the journey there is not so much of, like I said, tricking your wife into putting out, but it's how to look inward and inspect how you yourself can become a more confident person to where that's just kind of what you are attracting. When I will say, I personally, I don't know if it's dramatic to say experienced a dead bedroom, but I definitely for some time lost my mojo. And it was right around that stereotypical time of I had just had my first child, which is— that's, that's when it happens. Right. And for a lot of understandable reasons. But I found myself kind of getting frustrated with how long it took to come back because prior to that, I— it was healthy, it was good, ready to go all the time. And you know, there would be days that I would find myself like crying over rejecting my husband because I felt so bad and I could see what it was doing to to, you know, his confidence and our intimacy. And like, he's a very patient man. At no point did my husband ever like pressure me or be like, oh, why aren't you doing this? But I could just tell that he was like, this sucks. Like, as you do when you love your wife, you know? Yeah. And I will say there was no like quick fix. There was no like, oh, you simply take this you just go to bed an hour earlier. There was no like one thing. It took a lot of inner work, like, well, what's going on in my life? Like, what's holding me back? And it ended up being a combination of the many, many things that people talk about, you know, get more sleep, take more time away from the kid, go find a hobby that gives you confidence outside of your relationship, you know, Get your B12. Who knew vitamins were such a big part of it? But a lot of it is— comes from wanting to improve yourself, just, just in general. And whether or not you end up getting the sex that you want as a result of that, you're not going to be able to argue with the outcomes of doing that inner work, working on yourself, and making yourself a more desirable person. There's always going to be benefits no matter what.

You know, it really, a lot of the book boils down to stuff you should be doing anyway. Yeah. To be a better, more well-rounded, healthy individual. It's just that if we dangle the carrot of potential higher rates of sexual intercourse within a relationship, if we put that in front of the men, it tends to get 'em moving. Uh, you know, I, somebody once said you could have called this book something like How to Be a Healthier, More Well-Rounded Dude That Will in Turn Potentially Result In, uh, a higher rate of sex within your relationship. I'm like, well, that's a pretty lengthy title. I think Dead Bedroom Fix is a little bit more succinct, but it doesn't necessarily tell the whole story. It, I mean, you touched on a few really good points there. One is here you were, uh, almost as a victim, if you will, of your biology.

Yeah.

Experiencing something which is completely and totally natural and normal, which is Mother Nature telling you in a roundabout way, trying to kind of anthropomorphize this, but it's Mother Nature saying to you, cool it with the sex thing, lady. Take care of this newborn. Don't go make any more. Don't go getting distracted and everything else. Then stay in the cave and take care of the new little one. Make sure it's, it's healthy and taken care of and survives and everything else. We're removed— we are dialing down your hormones and everything else so you don't even get the urge to do that. Stay put. Some women, most women experience that, and it's perfectly natural. And that is even prolonged with breastfeeding. Breastfeeding basically puts your— to oversimplify it— puts your body into basically like a state of menopause. It's very similar in hormonal makeup. That's really interesting. I feel like men have taught me so much about the female body.

Like, my male gynecologist taught me so much that I did not know. And breastfeeding, I, I do know a lot of science about it. It is fascinating because it literally— the, the baby's saliva pairing with the areola communicates to your body what nutrients specifically be created for this baby. And then, you know, on top of that, you— it's releasing so much oxytocin all the time, which is bonding. Also like the sleepy calming chemicals. And you know, that, that might also not be the exact mood to be in to like rev you up either. It's funny It's funny you say that though. I've never made that connection until now, but I had a very long nursing journey. Like my, my baby nursed for a very long time, so probably did play a big role in it too.

Mm-hmm. And, and so yeah, it's antithetical to the, uh, erotic, you know, connect— part of you is that cozy, sweet, loving, motherly thing. That is not the erotic thing. And, um, this conversation can go in so many different directions, but you're leading down some really good paths here. And one is the, that, that really exemplifies the difference between the comfortable, cozy, maternal side and the erotic independent woman side that you alluded to. You lost, you lost your sense of self. You lost your sense of who you are as a woman. Um, these are all things that are real big libido boosters.

Um, yeah.

How many women post-divorce suddenly lose 50 pounds, look 20 years younger? Um, finally have a sense of self. Why? Because they see the kids half the time. The other half the time, I can go to the spa, I can go for a walk, I can go hang out with my friend Sarah for cocktails. I can be me again. And a lot of men look at that and demonize that as, oh, these women see that energy was lurking in there all along. Yeah, not when it's smothered by motherhood and domesticity and all that other stuff. That is antithetical to eroticism and being an independent erotic sexual creature. That's why within a marriage it's important that you keep that in there and you balance the two. You sprinkle in some of that. No, no, no, we're still a couple. You're still you, honey. I got the kids. Get the hell out of the house. Go to the spa. Go hang out with your friends. Do those things. Which, gotta be a secure man to do that kind of stuff. I can hear a lot of insecure men in the background saying, yeah, right, and then she'll go off and cheat with No, dude, if, if she does, then let her go. She wasn't the one for you.

That's good advice.

Most, most women, if you let them go, you know, to their yoga class and to their whatever and hang out with their friend and they're gonna get that alone time that they need away from you and away from the kiddos, and they'll be just, they'll be healthier as a result. But anywho, so, um, you're pointing out that a lot of it is biology. A lot of it is out of the control of the man and the woman, but we need to be aware of it. And you just pointed out, like, a lot of— you're learning a lot of this stuff as you go. I have so, so many women erroneously think, I've had this baby, all I'm thinking about 24/7 is this child. Um, I have no desire for sexual anything with this dude. In fact, I look at this dude and I go, ugh, there's nothing there. Yuck. Get up, dude. No, beat it. It's me and the baby, you know. Go, go buy some diapers or something. You're not really needed right now. That's Mother Nature again saying like, don't touch the dude, don't make any more babies. And some women interpret that as, does this mean we're over? Me and the husband? Does this mean we're no longer a couple? Am I suddenly questioning everything? And what they need is like a counselor, I guess, like a right-hand woman next to them saying, sweetheart, this is natural. You know, welcome to motherhood. It'll bounce back, but it's gonna take some work. It's gonna take some patience. Eventually you're gonna have to put the baby down and hand it over to Grandma, and you two need to go off together somewhere. Um, maybe some overnights every now and then away from the child. Child will be fine.

Yeah.

Yeah. Uh, sometimes you need those, you, you need the date night once, twice a week. You need the lunches together every now and then. You have to reconnect and stay connected. That's very, very important.