In this candid monologue, the speaker explores why sexual desire naturally wanes in long‑term, monogamous relationships and offers practical insights on how couples can address the issue. He references the Coolidge Effect—the heightened sexual drive experienced with new partners—and explains that after years of marriage, especially with children, sustaining spontaneous attraction becomes “hard mode.” He discusses the concept of the “dead bedroom” and cites his own book, The Dead Bedroom Fix, noting that the only way to achieve effortless, intense desire is often to seek a new partner, a route taken by those in open or polyamorous arrangements. While he does not endorse cheating, he acknowledges that such alternatives can “reset” the sexual spark. For monogamous couples, he suggests deliberately “resetting” the relationship by reinventing physicality, romance, and personal presentation, and emphasizes that both partners must actively prioritize intimacy despite competing responsibilities like parenting. He also highlights the difficulty when one partner is preoccupied (e.g., in “mom mode”), leading to frustration and potential drift, and hints at the need for honest communication and possibly exploring alternative relationship structures.
Chapters
And then Hugh says, yeah, you cannot negotiate genuine desire. You have to inspire that in her, not talk her into it. That's for certain. But what makes that a little bit more difficult in the, in the defense of Ryan and others is as time goes on, that becomes more and more difficult. No matter how hunky and awesome, and you could look like a Greek god or a male model or whatever, 30 years marriage, it becomes a little bit more difficult to inspire that level of spontaneous attraction sexuality versus 2 weeks into the relationship. It's just human nature, just the way it is. Um, being married long-term to somebody with kids is being a sexual person on hard mode. That's not anti-marriage, that's realistic, okay? We have to be realistic about these things. Um, I, I put in my books, um, The Dead Bedroom Fix, I believe I put in there. It's been a while since I've actually read or listened to the book. Maybe I should, just to make sure I'm on the same page. Or it's probably time for a new version of the book. But I believe I put in there, um, if you want super duper over-the-top spontaneous desire and over-the-top sex with very little work on your part, then go get your girlfriend. And some women read that and said, eh, timeout, buddy, whoa. And I was like, no, I'm not go out and cheat. I'm not saying that, but I'm just saying human nature being what it is— something called the Coolidge Effect, look it up, Google— which basically means we are super hypersexual, spontaneous desire human beings when we're in a new relationship versus a comfortable old familiar relationship. One of the tricks of the trade to eliciting more of a sexual desire from your partner, man or woman, is to basically Oh, hit the reset button and become new people. Uh, your physicality you can change. Uh, you become a more loving, romantic, sexy partner, you know, bring about a new you, and that will help light the fire again. A super extreme version of that, which I do not condone, but I recognize the science behind it Let's just say that. And no, I know I don't live in this lifestyle. I've talked enough about it that people are like, are you a— no, I'm not. But, uh, it's called like open marriages, uh, poly whatever, swingers and so forth. They are basically short-circuiting the entire thing and jumping right to, you know what would make me, uh, really sexualized? Go get a new person over there. But I don't want to lose you. You're my primary person I love more than anything. But I recognize that to really get me going, to light that fire, it's— new person does that better than anything. And that's what those people do openly with each other. I don't know what the divorce rates are in that world. I realize probably higher than the others, maybe not, I don't know. But, um, that's what they're doing. So it makes it a little tough for us strictly monogamous people to keep that fire going. And it's tougher than if you were Mr. Single Man dating, which by the way, there's nothing wrong with being a single man and dating. Ryan is clarifying, saying, follow up to what you said, that he is referring to intimacy being important, that both partners need to put in the effort to prioritize it. Absolutely right. The hard part is that so many spouses are responsive and honestly just won't think about it. Right? If she's anxious and in mom mode, oof, open up a can of worms there, Mr. Ryan. You can be uber attractive and it may or may not register. Sure. It's human behavior 101. That applies to a lot of things, not just romantic relationships. You can bring your best, oh shit, like employee package to the table. Hey, Mr. Boss, you're going to give me a raise? And he may go, nah, I'm going to give this guy a raise instead. You're like, what the fuck? Human behavior. He has his reasons. Your wife has her reasons for not, you know, turning on the sexy machine. That's where you have that difficult decision of, I'm bringing the best husband package possible to her. It's not eliciting any kind of response. I'm not getting my needs met. We're drifting further and further apart. Maybe it's time. Plan B. Oof, easier said than done, especially when you got kiddos.
