A man explores the paradox of wanting sex with a spouse you're no longer attracted to. He draws on therapy insights and coaching clients to explain why women's sexual desire often drops after marriage and kids, while men's testosterone-driven libido stays high. He admits experiencing this conflict in his first marriage and questions the shame around it.
Chapters
Tara makes an excellent point. Tara from Facebook says it's definitely not mutually exclusive, but initiating the, the dual nature, the erotic and the comfortable, sexy and the nuts, you know, the whatever, family stuff, you want to say that it's the hardest part in her humble experience. I think once you begin that journey, it becomes a much more natural state of being. Dare I say, Tara, that it's probably more difficult for you ladies. And that's not a condemnation of you ladies. I think a lot of therapists would say the same thing. Dr. Psych Mom often says when she has men come to her with stories of, "My wife seems to have shut down sexually ever since marriage and kids." I'm not putting words in her mouth, but I think her experience would be, "Yeah, welcome to being married to a typical woman." That's kind of how we're wired. When in the confines of a long-term monogamous relationship, women's sexual energy tends to get cranked down. Take her out of that and watch her go, "Woo, I'm back again." Sorry, that's not negative. That's not evil, as a lot of men like to frame it. That's human nature. Us men experience much the same thing, to a smaller degree though, dare I say a much smaller degree. And our testosterone and our raging libido— not for every man, but for a lot of men— can overcome pretty quick a lot of those feelings. Dude, I know, um, and we, we were just talking about this the other day amongst the group, um, plenty of men who are in relationships— this is going to paint men in a really bad way, but I'm— if there's anything, I'm realistic here. We're not angels as men. A lot of men are in relationships with women that, no joke, they look across the table at this woman and just say, I don't like her at all. I'm not physically attracted to her. Everything she does annoys the shit out of me. I'm really angry about insert 99 things here. She's kind of a loser. She doesn't take care of herself. She doesn't do anything. I can't stand this woman. And when you follow up with, then what the hell are you doing with the woman? Or why are you not doing anything to improve said situation or whatever? Or, dude, why are we talking? Talking about my coaching clients, they will follow up with, drum roll, I want more sex with my wife. And they don't see anything weird about that. The male libido is such that he's been without it for months, if not years, to the point where he's going crazy. And he sees fellow human being next to him, woman that he made vows to, so he's like, I don't understand why we're not having sex here. Do you like her? No, I don't like her. But you want her sexually? Yes. That sucks. That's not good. If any of you men can relate to that, you need to go back to the drawing board and take a deep hard look at yourself and figure out, you know, why that's not good and why people like me sit back and go, dude, no, don't do that. Um, but, um, that's the nature for a lot of men. So that's a, that's a, an extreme illustration of how our libido and our sex drive as men can overcome a lot of bullshit, I guess, in other words. And we're still able to do the erotic side of things. Even though this side over here is completely gone, we still have this and it's just fine. And a lot of women have a hard time dealing with that or understanding that. And I think of a lot of men hearing what I just described can nod their heads and say, "Yeah, I can see that." Throwing myself under the bus, that was maybe not to that degree, but I can relate to that somewhat from my marriage number one. And that's not a condemnation of her, that's a condemnation of me. That was shitty of me. I was in a relationship with somebody that— was I attracted to them in that way? No. Did I have over-the-top gaga lustful loving romantic, aww, kind of feelings for her? No. Did I ever? Yeah, for a relatively short period of time. But I was caught up in the machines, the machinations— is that the right term?— of the marital thing. And, uh, just got overwhelmed by the marriage, kids, all that stuff, and just lost sight of all that other stuff. And, um, I guess I didn't see anything wrong with that. But did I still want action in the bedroom? Yeah. Was that shitty of me? Yeah, it was. And, uh, not perfect. I put it all out there. I think a lot of men can relate to that.
