The Final Talk: Should You End a Sexless Marriage?

For those of you stuck in a long-term sexless marriage, when do you know when to call it quits? Or do you call it quits? Or do you just suffer, probably like your dad did? Or do you, you know, start over with somebody else? When do you know when to say when? That's what we're going to talk about in today's installment of Dear DSO. And you can submit your own story and question at deardso.com. That's deardso.com. Fill out the form, and if your submission is a good one, I will create a video out of it for the whole world to see, or for the podcast listeners to listen to on the Dad Starting Over podcast, available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you may listen to your podcast. And if you're watching this video on YouTube, do me a solid if you could please. Down below, click on like, click on subscribe, leave a comment, share this video. Man, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you so very much. Now on to today's submission. This one comes from Mark, and Mark says, dear DSO, that's me, by the way, I don't even know how to start this without sounding pathetic, but here goes. Well, there's a good start. I'm in my early 40s, married over a decade. We have kids, a home, a quote, good life by most people's standards, but I'm dying inside. My marriage has been sexless for years now, maybe once every few months. And even then it feels obligatory. There is no passion, no desire, just duty. I have tried everything. I have had the talks, I've suggested therapy, I've read the books, I've worked on myself, I got in shape, I became a better dad, I tried to be more romantic, more helpful, all of it. Her response is, quote, "It's not about you. I'm just tired, I'm stressed, I have too much on my mind." But somehow she finds the energy for everything and everyone else—her job, her friends, the kids, Instagram—just not me. I feel like a ghost in my own home, like I'm tolerated, not loved, like I'm just there to pay the bills and take out the trash. It's emasculating. I miss being touched. I miss being wanted. I miss feeling like a man. And here's the kicker. I don't think she sees a problem. As long as the kids are fed and the mortgage is paid, she thinks we're doing great. So now I'm stuck asking myself, do I blow up my family just because I'm starving for intimacy? Do I settle for being a roommate until the kids are grown? Or do I keep hoping that somehow one day she will want me again? I don't know what the hell to do. I just know that I can't keep living like this. Ouch. Mr. Mark, um, your message, very well written. Thank you so very much for submitting it and for sharing, being vulnerable with your issues. I know that's not easy for a lot of guys, but I appreciate that. Thank you. Um, your message is one that I hear all the time, some version of it anyway, which is a guy saying that the passion is gone, the connection is gone. I've tried everything. I don't know what else to do here, dude. Here's the issue, and I'm going to super simplify this. This may be a short one. You know what to do. And what you do is you go to wife and you have what we call the old healthy version of the talk. Let's start with what the unhealthy version of the talk is. The unhealthy version is one of, do you not love me? What's going on? Is this something I did? Do you hate me? Why don't you give me the love and affection that I so badly need? Don't you realize that this is what couples are supposed to do, damn it? And cry and sob and everything else. And everybody cries and you go your separate ways and that never gets accomplished. The good, healthy version of the talk is one that comes from a place of strength, care, love, all that good stuff. You are trying to be what we call a good steward of the relationship. You're a guy who looks out for the family, for you and her as a couple. Somebody has to play that part. Ideally, both of you do. Ideally, both of you do proactive things to keep the marriage, the romance connection, everything else going. But when one drops, the other one steps up and says, "I got it," and vice versa. So that's what you're doing in this case, which is you're saying, "Wife, we both know that the dynamic between us is frankly weird, unhealthy, and cannot continue. Sorry, to ignore it is not accomplishing anything. I'm just getting more and more miserable, and you're probably not happy and fulfilled either. And frankly, if you are happy and fulfilled with the status quo, That's not good. Not because your opinion doesn't matter, but because that means we are so wildly mismatched in that way. I, as a healthy, sexual, romantic, emotional dude, need a connection to my partner. I value the hugs. I value the kisses. Yes, the sex is a big part of it, sure, but we're just not connected in any way, shape, or form. And I've— you've seen me try like hell to get us reconnected with each other. I've tried the date nights and the counseling, and you just keep saying no, no, no, no. You don't want anything to do with me. And any secure, sane man would say this cannot continue. So that's what I'm saying to you. This wife cannot continue. Are you telling me, wife, you're willing to lose me and lose our family and set an example— this is key for a lot of women— set an example for the kids of yet another dysfunctional, broken family out there? Is that what you want to do? Or do you want to work with me to reconnect and make a good example for our children so they can see how healthy parents react to a very unhealthy disconnection. Which is it, wife? Door A or door B? Which do you choose? Here's the thing, that sounds great, makes sense, sounds strong, but it's very difficult to do. And the reason it is difficult to do Well, there's a lot of anxiety and other things involved. You know, a lot of men don't want to hurt feelings. A lot of men are afraid of what they may hear back. A lot of men are afraid of the fact that they're going to hear back from their wife a big, "Okay, where's the divorce papers? I'll sign now." And it's like, shit, that's not where I wanted that to go. But that's a very real possibility. Another probably more realistic possibility is a lot of drama. Crying, anger, shaming, everything else. You're going to drop our family for sex? You're going to drop our family just because I won't kiss you? Just because blah blah blah. My parents never did anything like that. They've been together for 60+ years. This is what's wrong with society today. And on and on and on. A lot of men don't want to deal with that, or they've heard some semblance of that and they usually crawl away with their tail between their legs and just forget it ever happened. And they brush it under the rug until another year or two later where they blow up all over again. But this needs to be the defining moment. This needs to be— we're not going to brush it under the rug anymore. This needs to be— you listen to all of her drama and you just nod and go, I hear you, I understand. Yeah, but it doesn't change the fact that this is my go/no-go moment here. What are we going to do, wife? Ball's in your court. I can only do so much as one person, and you have to stick to that. And that is tough. And that may very well mean the disintegration of your family. Yes, your marriage, all that good stuff. Such is life, dude. Sometimes making the right decision results in a whole bunch of chaos and a whole bunch of awfulness, but it's still the right thing to do. You've laid it all out. What are your choices? Continue to sweep this under the rug until you say the kids are grown out of the house and you're gonna be, you don't give the ages of your kids, so many years older, so many years that you've missed out on a good quality romantic life with somebody. If you're thinking that time will help heal the libido issue in your wife, just put that to bed. No, it will not. She's not going to magically on her own one day go, holy shit, what have I been doing all this time? Let's get to bed, husband. No, that never ever happens. She has to be the one to raise her hand saying, I got a problem here when it comes to this maintaining a relationship with a person long-term. I'm not very good at it. I need some help. Let me go talk to somebody. And some people are going to be screaming in the comments, hormones and hormonal therapy and everything else. That's not for everybody. Maybe she's up for that. Probably not if she's like most women out there. Um, but there are a whole slew of things to help, uh, fix this issue, which is usually a pretty complicated issue. It's more than what's on the surface usually, but she has to be the one to say, I'm willing to get that help. Let's do this. And so far she has said, "F you, dude." Not good. Big talk time. Big final talk time. Do it, dude. It's time. All right? If you want to reach out to me, we can put together a plan for exactly how to do that. I've even spoken to men and women both in a call. You know, the woman's like, "Who the hell's telling you all this bullshit? Let's go talk to him." Talk to me. I don't care. Put it out there, right? I am not a therapist. I'm just a dude who has done this for many, many years and have talked to hundreds, if not thousands of men at this point, one-on-one. And a guy who's been there and done that. What you're going through is not fun, but it's a, it's a crossroad moment in life, and they're always fraught with all kinds of stress, anxiety, drama, and everything else. But you will get through this. You may need a little help yourself. I would suggest talking to me one-on-one, but before you do all that, I would suggest joining the Brotherhood, which is, which is our support community for men only. Learn more at helpformen.com. Go right to the join page at help4men.com/join. Big support community with hundreds of men from all over the world, discussion forums, live Zoom meetings. We get together in person, all my books at no charge. And that coaching, that one-on-one coaching with me is way cheaper if you are a member than if you are not. So it's cheaper to join up the brotherhood, then get coaching, than to just get the coaching by itself, believe it or not. So I look forward to meeting you. Thank you so very much for your submission. I appreciate it. And guys, thank you for watching. We'll catch you on the next one.