The Moment I Realized She Didn’t Want Me Anymore...

After years of obvious disconnection, sometimes our partners throw a Hail Mary to get rid of us once and for all, such as what is going on here in today's Dear DSO submission. And you can submit your own story or question to deardso.com. Fill out the form, and if your submission's a good one, I will create a video out of it for the whole world to see, or for the podcast listeners to listen to on the Dad Starting Over podcast, available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, wherever you may listen to your podcasts. And if you are watching this on YouTube, do me a big fat stinking favor please and click on subscribe, click on like, click the little bell thingy, leave a comment, share, you know, all that good stuff. That tells YouTube that this is worthy of other people seeing, and that helps me out a great deal. Thank you very much. Moving on to today's submission, and Mr. D, he just uses the letter D, says, long time reader, first time writer. I've been married for 17 years. We've got 3 kids, a nice house, decent careers, dot dot dot, the typical suburban dream, he says. But the bedroom has been dead for nearly a decade. Oof. I've asked, I've begged, I've even tried counseling twice. Every time it was quote unquote stress or quote hormones or being touched out. Last week she finally cracked during an argument and she said the words that I can't stop hearing in my head, quote, I'm just not attracted to you anymore. No yelling, no tears, just calm, matter of fact. Like she was telling me the sky is blue. She said I'm a great dad and a great guy, but she hasn't wanted me in a long time. She said she tried to fake it for years, but she couldn't anymore. She said she feels guilty every time I touch her. Here's the twist: I'm not some schlub. I've dropped 30 pounds, I got my finances in order, and I take care of myself. Guys at work call me, quote, the silver fox. So what gives? What in the hell do I do with this? He says. Well, D, this sucks. I'm sorry that you had to hear that from your spouse of all people. And, you know, but this doesn't sound like it came out of nowhere, dude. I mean, for the last 10 years, it sounds like nearly 10 years, you say, it's been a dead bedroom situation. So the writing's been on the wall for a decade. And I hear you kind of, you know, pursuing and pushing, like, what's going on with you, woman? What's going on with you? And finally she blew up and said, look, dude, here's the deal. I don't see you in that way. I don't have those— when I look at you, when I'm around you, when I interact with you, nothing in me says I want to have sex with this guy. And in fact, maybe even the opposite. Everything you do kind of either repulses me or just doesn't get the engine going. Now here's the deal. She could have followed that up with But D, I'm willing to work on this to see what we can do to get the engine going again. And that could be a positive thing, although it begs the question of where was this 10 years ago? Why, why are we starting now, a full decade later? And as a decade has passed, is that too much time to pass? You know, when two people are physically disconnected like this, is it too late to turn the switch back on? Probably, be honest with you. I'm sure there are lots of, you know, therapists and counselors, of which I'm not, but a lot of people out there with a lot more letters after their name and diplomas on the wall who will tell you that they have seen relationships rekindled after this long of a disconnection. I, after speaking to so many hundreds, if not thousands of men at this point, will tell you I've yet to see it. I've seen short-lived resurgence by virtue of like a hysterical bonding thing where the guy says, "That's it, I'm divorcing you, here's the divorce papers," and suddenly the wife gets, quote, "turned on," and for a period of a few weeks they have a very hyper-connected, emotionally and physically connected state, and he's like, "Oh my gosh, it worked!" And then it just drops off a cliff again. That's really, really common. So you may experience that. Now, will that result in long-term intimacy between the two of you, like a genuine reconnection? Well, not without both of you saying, we We both individually have problems and as a couple we got a problem. Let's work on this individually as a couple and let's be patient with one another. What I've seen most guys, their patience doesn't last through that. I've had men that have said, you know, gosh darn it, I've been sexless for so many years. What's another year or 2 or 10, you know, to figure this out? I'm willing to do it. And like 30 days into it, the guy's like, you know what, F this. So you gotta be honest. Do you really have the patience for that? But that's kind of a moot point because it sounds like she has, my friend, dumped you. That's difficult to come to terms with, difficult to accept. You're like, what do I do with this? Most people outside of your situation would sit back and watch this and go, dude, Mr. D, you've been dumped. Time to let her go, buddy. Time to call up an attorney and say, this is over. What do we do? Where do I stand financially, legally, and so forth? Um, it's either that or option B, which is you know, go back to wife hat in hand and say, I heard what you said, but is there any chance we work through this? You know, I have a feeling she won't take that very well. I have a feeling she'll probably drop another hammer on you, something to really push you away. You know how to kind of, um, oh, to visualize this, it's as if you're— she's like a little animal trapped into a corner and you're pursuing her and she's baring the teeth and lashing out, like, get away, get away, hissing at you. And you just keep coming forward and coming forward and coming forward, and finally she's like, all right, here goes, and she bit you. And you're bleeding, you know, and you're tending to your wound, and you come back and you, you know, with a bandage around your arm, so to speak, and you're like, how about now, can I still pursue you? And she's like, eventually, like, they really drop a hammer. And I've heard some really, really bad stuff. It's surprising how bad some of the language can be coming from a partner that is just really want you to go away. They really pull out some old baggage from the past, something that has nothing to do with you two. Um, you know, I heard one guy say that his wife said, you know, you're the reason your brother himself. No wonder, because I can't stand you and nobody can stand you. Everyone hates you. And the guy's like, where the hell did this come from? Turned out that that woman was having an affair and she had moved on, and this guy just wouldn't let go. And after he basically— she basically dumped him, you know, so many times, and he just wouldn't take the hint. Now, invariably, the follow-up to that is, well, if she's dumped me, then why hasn't she filed for divorce? Well, often the person doing the dumping doesn't want to be the bad guy. They're kind of hoping you pull the trigger. You're kind of the one to say All right, fine, I'll go to the attorney and everything so they can point and say, it's D over here, he's the one that wants a divorce, not me. You know, let her have that, whatever, if that makes her feel better. But I think you do need to start the process of, you know, at least going to her and going, maybe we're done here, what do you think, wife? You know, if I were to go to an attorney and say, let's, you know, draft the paperwork and get this process going and do this amicably, are you cool with that, wife? Now she may surprise you and say, "No, I was hoping we could work through this." Or she may surprise you and say, "Yeah, I was kind of hoping you would say this like 9.5 years ago." Regardless, if it's me, for what it's worth, I would have said, "Yeah, all right," and, you know, extended my hand, shake your hand, and just say, "We had some good years. We had a lot of good things between us, but obviously we've been disconnected for the past decade, and this is, you know, the— I finally get the message." Loud and clear. Thanks for letting me know. And, you know, separate. Go about the process of divorce. But then there's also a contingent of people say, Ralph, you give up too quickly. You know, you need to work through this. This is just, you know, marriage is like a roller coaster, ups and downs, a lot of obstacles in the way. You need to push through this. This is one of those tests, if you will, if you're a religious person, from your God, from the Almighty, from the universe. If you're a spiritual person, that's Life has thrown this obstacle in your way. How are you? You're gonna push through it, or you just gonna say, what the hell, and turn around and go the opposite direction? That's one way of looking at it. There's no right or wrong here. I can just give you just anecdotally what I've seen over the years of talking to so many men that have been through this. And this usually is indicative of, buckle up, this is about to get interesting. So protect yourself, attorney, you know, legally, financially, and all the other good stuff. Make sure you're okay, protect yourself, and don't make any stupid decisions. Don't do anything dumb, uh, and certainly don't go back to her begging again, like, please take me, please, please, please. It's not gonna get you anywhere, dude. As you can see, in my mind, homegirl dumped you. All right, brother. But I do wish you all the best, and what you're going to go through is not going to be pretty. You're probably gonna go through hell here, and, uh, you don't wanna do it alone. I suggest maybe going to see a therapist and talk through some issues just to make sure that your head's on straight. You don't do anything stupid. And if I may be so bold as to recommend our group, The Brotherhood, you can learn more at help4men.com or jump right to the join page at help4men.com/join. We have hundreds and hundreds of men from all over the world, many of whom have been in your shoes, believe it or not. It's not that uncommon in our world anyway. So we have the discussion forums, live Zoom meetings, coaching courses, my books. We get together in person. There's all kinds of cool benefits to joining. So check out The Brotherhood at help4men.com. And Mr. D, I do appreciate you reaching out. And guys, thank you for watching, and we'll catch you on the next one.