The "Orgasm Gap"

And, that also leads to what a little bit we talked about like before the show was orgasms in general, orgasms mostly for women though. We're talking about the woman, the woman's orgasm. And, I think that I just watched a podcast recently with the Diary of a CEO. And, this woman is called the Orgasm Queen. And, I learned so much about the female orgasm. In this 2 hours, and she's beautiful. She's theatrical. She's written like 20 books or 50 books or something like that, and she shares a lot of her own personal stories and experiences. And yeah, apparently there's 20 different kinds of female orgasms out there. I mean, I knew there was a few, but 20?

20?

Oh my. Yeah.

Wow. All right.

And then it also occurred to me I have not had a ton of sexual partners, and I think that I've been very lucky with the partners that I have had and had really good sex. For the most part, I've always had really good sex with my partners. Also pretty decent communication. But watching this woman in the Diary of a CEO, Susan— I can't remember what her name was now. I told you earlier, Susan Bennett, I think. That's not it. I realized how many women are not having orgasms and that's why they don't want to have sex. They're tired of it. They're tired of faking it. They're tired of not getting their needs met. I think I maybe was a little bit one-sided on this most recently because of my own experiences have been so good.

Yeah.

That I'm kind of like, I side with the men and I still do. I love the guys. I think that they are definitely more open to exploration and adventures and communication. Than women are when it comes to sex. But why is that? Is it because men are still going to get their— they're still going to come pretty much no matter what? Like, a man's orgasm is almost guaranteed for the most part.

Mechanism-wise, it's so much simpler, right? Yeah.

And I feel like they're just also more willing to persevere through whatever it is where a woman is just like, "Ah, just going to get frustrated and like I'll just deal with it later." But, I would definitely recommend everyone Google the Orgasm Queen. She will come up. She's blonde, volupt— big-breasted, in her 60s I think. She is past menopause. And, that's also really, really informative is how she managed to keep her sex life amazing even through menopause because that's a big one that we all hear and talk about. Menopause and hysterectomy and things like that that change a woman's drive. Also, then hormone replacement therapy also changes it again. And I know that your guys probably deal with a lot of that.

Yeah, quite a bit.

So she has a lot of answers for a lot of those things.

Yeah, you're talking about something I hear about a lot, which is the orgasm gap is what they call it. So the gap between men and women and orgasming during intercourse. And there is the stereotype of the wham, bam, thank you, ma'am guy does his thing and rolls over after. If she's lucky, 2 minutes. And he's like, you just take care of yourself, or he doesn't even care about that. And that's horrible.

Or doesn't even know, or doesn't even ask.

He doesn't know. He's completely ignorant of that world. There's— I, you know, it's a stereotype of the guy hearing about this stuff, and he'll go, wait a minute, women orgasm too? And you're like, oh dude, it's like, that exists. There's a lot of men that are like, really, they do? It's like, yeah.

I don't know how that's possible. I mean, in this day and age, sex is everywhere, and education depending on how you look at it, is everywhere. How could a man not know that his lady should be having orgasms too?

Or that he's so pornified that he feels it's a very simple, easy thing, and that if she doesn't like that, then something's wrong with her and it's not his responsibility. Now, in his defense, there is some pushback from women saying, my orgasm is my responsibility. I'm not gonna have an orgasm every single time, because we have these very anxious men that are preoccupied with, is she having an orgasm or not, to the point of being really annoying about it and spazzy about it. And the wife's just like, cool it, it's my responsibility, you don't need to ask me every 5 seconds, how about this, how about that, just go with it and have fun with it. So there's kind of a mixed message there. And are you familiar with the book by Emily Nagoski called Come As You Are? No, you get the double entendre there with the, with the title. Of course, it's a very popular book. She sold millions of them, um, very kind of progressive in nature, which turns some people off politically and otherwise. There's like a whole chapter about things such as, um, there's, there's nothing physically, medically wrong with obesity, for example. We need to be more, uh, what's— we're tolerant of obesity and so forth. When she got a lot of pushback from the scientific community saying no, obesity is like the number one killer in the world, we should we should definitely push back against it. But she's, she's looking at it from a more inclusive feelings-based thing. We don't want to hurt feelings. So, uh, one good thing about the book was she identified that women have a lot more— she calls it like the accelerator. You think about a car, the accelerator, sexual accelerator, go, go, go. And then there's the brake, stop. And women tend to have way more in terms of brakes than what men do sexually. Men are just pedal to the metal, let's go, done. Well, women are like, now hold on, we can't have this, 'cause if we have that, that turns me off. We can't do this, 'cause if we do that, then I'm out of the headspace for it. And on and on and on. And to complicate things, every woman is completely different from the other. You could have one woman that has next to no brakes, and she's just a real yahoo in bed, while this woman's like, I can get there, but it takes these 20 things to get me there. It's complicated, a little tough.

It is complicated, and sometimes the guys, On the guy's side, and I hear this too, they don't want to go, have to go through the 20 things every freaking time. Like, oh, the back rub and the candles and this and this and this. And like, there's a whole checklist of shit that has to be done for it to be like a good experience where people miss the spontaneity and the fun and like, you know, the beauty of a quickie, which of course they should not all be quickies, but You know, a nice quickie can be fun, and it doesn't necessarily even— you don't always get off on a quickie. Sometimes it's about doing it just quick and like in a weird place or whatever, but also being able to communicate about that, um, and just enjoying it. Having, you know, doing something new, exciting, and different with the person that you're with can be just amazing. So, but yes, the checklist— I hear the checklist a lot as well. And of course, we want our partners to finish multiple times if possible. I mean, if you're one of those. But the checklist can be daunting for the man. I get it. But also, that's like why a lot of women fake it. It's because they don't want the pressure. They don't want to be asked, did you come? Did you come? You know, are you getting there? What do I need to do? And so they will just fake it. Just A, for a couple of reasons. It's encouraging to the man.

Makes him feel good. Stroke his ego.

Yes, of course. Make him feel good. You feel good. Let him know you feel good. And then also it will encourage him to continue or know that that was a good spot and I like that. He'll remind, he'll remember that for future play that if he thinks I got off this way, hopefully he remembers that.

He's gonna be doing that.

But then also sometimes it's just like, "Ugh, this is not gonna happen." I want this over with. And then so women will just fake it just to be done with it. And which is, you know, good and bad. There's lots of— I mean, I have guys that also fake orgasms.

I'm trying to think how that can physically happen, but I don't— maybe I shouldn't ask that.

I mean, it's a lot of times, you know, like the woman does not see it.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

Trust me, I did. Yeah.

Yeah. So, it's easy for men to fake it. And they fake it kind of for the same reasons we do. And I hear about that. The pressure, the stress, if they're not turned on fully, or cannot fully maintain an erection, or she's going, "Okay, you know, I'm getting sore, I'm getting chafed," whatever, he'll fake it just same reason, just to be done with it.

Yeah, you know, going back to the— you have to do the 20 things to get there for some women, and it's kind of eye-rolling, daunting for some men. What further complicates this summer is that it wasn't always that way with that one woman, for example. At the very early stages of the relationship, the honeymoon stage, the men— from our perspective as men, we didn't have to do anything as far as to reach the pinnacle of connection. It was the guys like, I was just me, just literally walked in the door, texted her, she shows up, we had the most amazing sex ever. See you later. And it was very validating to me. We were very in love. We were doing it multiple times a day. It was wonderful. And now that we've been together for 20-some-odd years, it's— the game plan has changed. And that is, that's really tough for a lot of men to wrap their head around. And your more anxious types internalize it and say, that's indicative of I'm a failure as a man. I don't bring about that level of eroticism that I used to in her. And that's— there may be a kernel of truth to that, but it's more truthful to say that, no, you're comparing apples to oranges here. The honeymoon stage versus the we've known each other, 3 kids later, dying parents, job loss, all, you know, life. And it's not apples to apples comparison. So to a lot of guys out there, We got some comments coming in here. It's, you know, I guess take solace in the fact that welcome to long-term monogamy. It's not always gonna be the most erotic hot thing in the world. And, but if you play your cards right, it can be a fun exploration between two people. But that's—

It could be.

That's easier said than done for a lot of folks. Yeah.