There Are Two Sexual Sides to Every Man - with @thedadvocate

There's two aspects, I guess, to super oversimplify the sex game for men. One that a lot of men quote because it's a soft and it's a more, um, honorable thing, if you will, for lack of a better term, is to point out like, that's how men connect emotionally to women, is via sex. This is how we are shown our value. That's how we get validated as the man. It makes us feel big and loved and appreciated if our wife does the deed with us. True. But there's also the not soft part of it, which is why we have things like men taking care of themselves in a matter of minutes, if not seconds, with pornography. This is why we have sex workers, the world's oldest profession. It's filling a need for the visceral, for the very physical act, which doesn't have hardly any emotion tied to it at all. We're able to go there if we have to. And if we need to, men have shown for generations, we'll go there. If we need to. Um, this is, um, where there's a big disconnect with some partners is that emotionally disconnected, I just need to get this need met mechanical aspect of sex for men. When they apply that to their woman, their wife of many years, and she can feel that, dude, I just need to release here, and she becomes basically like a human masturbatory device. That's That's not good. A lot of men don't like to hear that. They don't like, you know, putting the mirror in front of them and going, that's what you're doing, dude. You guys haven't connected emotionally or intellectually, anything for months, if not years. And here you are going, you wanna? She's like, oh, Casanova. Yeah. How do I resist? No, I don't wanna. What the hell is it? Yeah, whatever. And he's mad because she won't do that. Or when they do do it, it's, you know, over in a matter of seconds. He's like, fine. And she said, what do you mean fine? That was, that was horrible. Yeah, so there's an emotional component, there's a physical component. It's a, it's a difficult little dance to perform there.

It's kind of like the other side of the dead bedroom, because if I remember, the, the gentleman who was tracking his intimacy, he actually said that they had a perfectly decent sex life. He, he said that wasn't even a complaint. It was always like 2 to 3 times a week, but it's just that there was literally no other affection given. And, and that's, that's interesting that that can be a version of the dead bedroom where maybe the mechanical aspect, as you it is being met perfectly, but there's no care for like, do you feel fulfilled? Do you feel loved and respected and safe?

I, I think any therapist hearing that story would say that is a very classic avoidant thing on the part of the wife. It sounds like the wife may have, don't know the full story. She may be a high libido avoidant person, uh, which we often see in men. Men typically are more avoidant than women are. In relationships. The men are the ones to go, interesting, can we just stop talking about this shit, please?

You know, I think that's true actually in my experience.

Yeah, can we just exist? Do we always have to talk about things? Do I always have to talk about feelings? And you know, you're sitting at the dinner table enjoying a piece of quiet and the wife goes, so, and you're like, oh God, here we go. That, that's Mr. Avoidant and Miss Anxious. Like, she wants to connect and he's like, please just leave me alone for a bit. Um, but I see often in my world where the gender's flipped which is not the average, not the norm for the general public, which is the man's the anxious-y one and the wife's the avoidant one. And, um, but if she still has that libido, she's like, I still need that physical release. But as far as everything else and that connection with you, mister, nah, I don't need that.

Yeah, that's true.

And, uh, most people can't live that way in a relationship. It's not healthy by most standards.