Ralph Brewer explains why partners with low libido frequently cite chores and household burden as a factor. He covers anxious and avoidant attachment styles, stress from childcare, and how long-term monogamy naturally reduces desire, then offers practical steps both partners need to take to rebuild sexual connection.
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All right, Mr. Guitar God, a regular on here. Hello, Guitar God. He says, why do you think so many women convince themselves that they aren't interested in sex, but her husband doesn't do it enough to help, but her husband doesn't do enough to help with house and kids, etc.? I think it's to avoid shame. Women seem terrified of shame and will do anything to avoid it. Okay, so if I'm— let me try to better understand this. Um, Okay, so very common scenario. Good question, Guitar God, of dead bedroom, which is another term for sexless marriage. Not usually, not completely, but it's so bad that you might as well be, you know, let's stick with the, the trope of the horny husband, disinterested wife. Actually, to use psych terms, more often than not, anxious attached husband, avoidant attached wife. The honeymoon phase has ended years ago. They got kids, they got a house, they got stress, they got a job, all that other nonsense, right? And husband's like, I'm about to lose my marbles because I'm not getting any, and I'm a man and I'm engineered to get some, a lot of it, all the time with a lot of different people. So I'm making a sacrifice by being with you, wife, and you don't want any. What the eff? So I think, you know, talk to, um, psychiatrists, therapists, psychologists, whatever it may be, I think a lot of them will say yes, there is most definitely a biological phenomenon, if you, if you want to call it that, psychological phenomena of once in a long-term monogamous relationship, the libido of both partners tends to go down, arguably way more so for the ladies of our species. It's just a natural It's just what it is. Has that message got out to the general public? I would say overall, oh hell no, not at all. What has gotten out to the general public, fortunately, unfortunately, depends how you look at it, is a, um, a theme of romance, a theme of soulmate, uh, you know, love, and all this mushy puppy love stuff conquers all, right? That message has gotten out there via Oh, you're, um, you know, Hollywood and romance novels and all this other stuff. So that message is out there and you present that over and over and over again to men and women alike. And the man being who we are, we're kind of, as far as our sex drive is concerned, it's kind of kept afloat via this level of testosterone and other chemicals within our body. Everything works in concert with each other within our body and brain to say, make lots of babies, go do it again and again and again. Hence why we're horny all the time. Most of us, not all of us. And so women, not necessarily wired that way, but what gets 'em really going is the new relationship, the, all that stuff and newness, spontaneity. And when things are predictable and boring and safe and all this other stuff, it goes down. And so you have this woman who has this natural down. There's nothing nefarious or bad bad about that in any way, shape, or form. Welcome to being a human being, right? Combine that though with the ignorance of her own biology, combine that with this, um, oh, how to say it, atmosphere of romance above all else, and she's probably thinking in her mind, I don't have any desire whatsoever for this dude. Yeah, I feel bad, I feel weird. Maybe this means at a grand scale We're done. We're over. We're not meant to be. This sucks. What's going on here? Well, maybe it's the fact that he's so many more pounds overweight. That may have something to do with it. Maybe it's because this, maybe it's because that. What's the most glaringly obvious thing? Looking around for an outside excuse as to what's going on here. Well, I'm stressed. That's a big part. Hell, what woman isn't stressed? You know, most women work these days. That's a stressor in itself. Most women are way more emotionally, um, overwhelmed and preoccupied with the health and well-being of the children, much more so than man is over there. Well, hell, that's like 90% of it right there. And then domestic duties, a lot of women report, I do the majority of the domestic work in the house. I have a lot of men that tell you otherwise, but a lot of women say no, like 90% of it falls on me. So a lot of stuff is in the brain taking up space. So here comes husband saying, why no have sex? So she's going to go for the easiest thing. Picture like a grocery store, it's right there on the shelf. These, you know, she doesn't have to reach up to get it, it's just right there. And the easiest thing to grab off the shelf is, I'm stressed, I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed. If you want to make me less so, here's what you can do. And what most men report is, I, dude, not only did I clean the house, but I remodeled the place. I did from A to Z. I got a toothbrush out and I scrubbed the tile. I did all this stuff. You're anxious guys act this way. That they hear, you know, an opportunity to fix the problem with the relationship, and they just go hog wild with the fixing. And they read every book, and they join my group, and they, you know, watch all my YouTube videos and all these lives and everything else. And, "Wife, I did everything you asked." And wife's just, "It's still not there. It's still not working. Nothing's happening still." And then this is where the men go, "I think she's bullshitting me." I think she's trying to pull the rug over my eyes or the wool over my eyes, whatever the term is, and I've been tricked, I've been hoodwinked. No, it's just that the woman's grabbing at the easiest thing she can see is I'm stressed, I'm tired, surely this will fix it. Ah, shit, it doesn't. Well, what do you want me to do, dude? When I think a healthier perspective would be one from like a therapist or so forth or watching my material or other people's material like Dr. Psych Mom, where we would say, Sweetheart, I don't mean that in a demeaning way. Young lady, this is natural. There's nothing wrong with you. It's okay. But it's going to take some effort to get over the hump. And here's what it takes. And husband, you got some work to do too. A lot of work actually. You've kind of fallen asleep at the wheel here. Here's some things you can do. Nothing wrong with that. Welcome to being in a long-term monogamous relationship. That doesn't sound romantic, it doesn't sound sweet, it doesn't sound natural, but that's what it takes. Sorry, guys. And, um, to some people that just sounds like hell. Maybe you're not wired for this monogamy thing. That's okay.
