In this monologue, the speaker addresses engaged men who fear that their sexual intimacy will disappear after marriage—a situation often called a “dead bedroom.” He explains that while horror stories of a partner abruptly refusing sex exist, the far more common pattern is a gradual decline in physical intimacy as couples settle into married life, move in together, have children, and face everyday stress. The core advice is that the best way to prevent this decline is to evaluate early relationship indicators before the wedding. He stresses that a strong, frequent sexual connection during the honeymoon phase is a crucial predictor of future bedroom health. Additionally, he advises men to scrutinize the partner’s family dynamics, noting that patterns of dysfunction (e.g., lack of affection, substance abuse) in a partner’s family often foreshadow intimacy problems later. The speaker urges men to remain willing to reassess the relationship even after engagement, treating partner selection as an ongoing decision rather than a one‑time event. He warns against the common belief that intimacy will naturally improve once life stabilizes, arguing that without early strong intimacy and healthy family background, the risk of a dead bedroom remains high. The overall tone is conversational yet cautionary, urging listeners to look for red‑flags now rather than later.
Chapters
Keen asks, what quote precautions would you suggest apart from good partner selection, LOL, after getting engaged but prior to getting married in order to avoid a dead bedroom? Oh, very good. So, uh, you're engaged and you're about to get married and you're having these worries like, oh shit, what if as soon as she says I do, this all goes in the toilet and she's like, don't want to touch you anymore? You know, we hear those stories and those are horror stories. It's, it's not The majority of men though, trust me, it's a very vocal minority of guys who are really pissed off and angry at the world. They'll share those stories. And what I'm talking about is the woman says, "I do," and you're walking down the aisle and she turns to the guy and says, "You know, by the way, we're never doing that anymore." That happens, but it's not as common as you think. What is more common is get married, get hitched, move in together, get comfortable, life starts throwing all kinds of stuff your way, and then you have kids, and then you just kind of wake up one day and go, "Wait a minute." We went from 3, 3, you know, hot and heavy sessions a week, if you know what I mean, to once a month if we're lucky. What happened? That's the most common. So your question is, how do I avoid that? Because that's technically what we call a dead bedroom situation. Good part, you say, apart from the good partner selection? Well, that's pretty much it, dude. And I know you're thinking, I'm already engaged, the partner selection thing's already done. No, it's not. At any point in time, you can turn around and go, "I don't think this is gonna work out," as awkward and terrible as that may be. I mean, what if you suddenly discovered that your wife had a horrible drug problem, or she was some criminal on the loose, or a serial killer, or something like that? You would say, "Aye, this ain't gonna work," right? Same thing if you discovered in some way that your wife has some kind of mental hangups that prevent any kind of real intimacy later in life. Well, how are we going to determine that? Well, as far as I can tell, the best predictors of that are her behavior early in the relationship. I can't tell you how many men that I talked to in dead bedroom relationships. I say, did you go through a hot and heavy phase of really being, you know, can't keep your hands off each other, you're so interconnected, you're so in love with each other, romantically, intellectually, and sexually, and blah, blah, blah. And some men just say, eh, sorta, you know. What do you mean, sort of? It's like, we were good for maybe like once a week if we were lucky. I'm like, dude, this is not the good foundation for a relationship. You know, it's not all about sex. Well, but sex is important. Any good therapist, physician, minister, whatever, will tell you the same damn thing. As far as the health of the relationship is concerned, physical intimacy is important for most people. Um, So, where was I going with that? It always starts up here as far as the physical intimacy is concerned in a relationship. And as the safety, security, and everything, and comfortability comes into the picture, it always peters. So if you start at this level, let's say it's from, from here to here is the range. If you start here and it dissipates, you're— look at that, you're off the charts. You're so down low, nobody can see you anymore. Not good, dude. Always want to start up here. Always. And some people are going to say, "No, it's not all about sex." Well, we're talking about sex. We're talking about physical intimacy and connection. Got to start way up there. So you're engaged to this gal and you're like, "It's still not great. Well, maybe it'll get better as we get more comfortable with each other." No, it won't. Maybe as we grow together and we have a life and get a home and I get my career settled and she gets her career settled and she's out of school and all the stress of school, maybe then it'll get better. No, it won't. Mm-mm. Sorry. If you're a betting man, put money on, no, it's not going to get better. So right off the bat, look at your activity now in the honeymoon stage, as we call it. It better be really, really good. The other thing to look at is her family. That really pisses off a lot of people, and I completely understand why, coming from myself, a somewhat dysfunctional family, and knowing a lot of really good people that came from dysfunctional families. Sorry, but still the biggest predictor of dysfunctional behavior later in life is let's look at, oh, mom and dad, grandma and grandpa, aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters. Let's just start. If you start noticing a pattern of dysfunctional behavior throughout the relationship or throughout the family rather, and you know, you go visit mom and dad and you're like, these two people just do not act like they like each other at all. They're just two business partners living under the same roof. I, you know, I've known them for years and I've never seen them hug and kiss or anything like that. You got a front row seat for your future. Not always, not 100% of the time, but enough for me to go, dude, you need to think long and hard about this. I'm sorry, it's not a knock against the partner. It's just, I mean, we can't eff around with this stuff, guys. Who you pick for your life partner is one of, if not the biggest decision of your life. Because if you pick the wrong person and they introduce all kinds of chaos and awfulness to your life, I got a few million guys you can talk to who've been down this road. It ain't pretty. Men and women alike. Okay, we want to keep it fair. And they all say the same thing. I saw the signs there. I really did, but I ignored them. Why? I was in love. I finally found somebody who liked me, somebody loved me, somebody who accepted me for me. Never had that before. Didn't want to let them go. Sure, I noticed they drank an awful lot. Sure, I noticed their mom and dad drank an awful lot. Sure, I noticed fill in the blank with whatever dysfunctional behavior here, but I kept trudging on. Oh, fuck, that really messed everything up. I shouldn't have done that. That's, you know, 10, 20 years down the line.
