John Hunt has been married 13 years with sex three to five times a year. His wife cheated in year 8, left, came back, and divorced him, but they reunited anyway. Ralph Brewer says John's anxious attachment and his wife's avoidant style are incompatible, and advises him to leave.
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All right, folks, we have a new Dear DSO entry on the website, and you can submit your own story or question to deardso.com. That's deardso.com. Fill out the form, and if your story or question is a good one, I'll make a video out of it for the whole world to see. And on that note, if you're watching this on YouTube, if you could do me a favor and click down below, subscribe and like and leave a, a comment, I would greatly appreciate it. That will help me out a lot. And this one comes from John Hunt. And the subject line is Cycle Hell. Interesting. He says, so I've been married for 13 years. All but 6 months of it have been sexless after her cheating on me year 8, leaving me, getting back with me, divorcing me, and now we've been together for 3 years. I'm still sitting sexless. Other than when she was trying to get me back, I typically get sex anywhere from 3 to 5 times a year. Uh, through self-work, men's programs, and your book, I found myself to be needy and anxiously attached. I think that's a fair assessment. As long as I don't complain about not getting sex, we have a good relationship minus the intimacy. But the moment that I have the sex talk, She wants to leave me. I went 2 months at one point without having a sex talk, and it led to 2 months of sex weekly and blowjobs. But the moment I wanted more, she took it away and then wanted to leave again. Is my need for intimacy driving her away, or is there no hope? The answer to both those last questions— is my need for intimacy driving her away? Yes. Or is there no hope? Yes, there's no hope, my friend. This is one of those examples of, um, the writing is so on the wall, it's, it's not even writing on the wall, it's a giant neon, like in Las Vegas, those big neon buzzing signs that say, John, get the hell out of Dodge, what are you doing? But you've been dealing with this for 13 years. Well, 12 and a half to be exact. Let's back up here and recap, shall we? Uh, she cheated on you year number 8. Come on, dude. Uh, she left you, she got back with you, she divorced you, and now you're back together once again. And as long as you don't bring up the sex thing, everything is cool. Um, are you being overly anxious and pursuing and going after her and bugging the hell out of her about sex? Um, is the fact that when you back off and don't ask for sex, then you have sex, is that indicative of it's all your fault? No, not necessarily. It's indicative of, yes, you are an anxious person, and yes, you are married to a very disorganized, avoidant very avoidant, somewhat broken individual, leaving you, cheating on you, getting back with you, divorcing you. And it's chaotic, my friend. And anyone who has a very secure form of attachment and, um, inner security within themselves, a love of themselves, um, confidence in themselves, a sense of self-worth, would have left this relationship a long time ago. You would have said, oh, this is really massively broken and chaotic when the two of us get together. That's no good. Why were obviously very mismatched. Goodbye. But you didn't. You hung around and you took her back again, again, even after cheating on you and everything else and denying you intimacy. And dude, it's gonna be a short one. It's time to leave, my friend. And it's time, you know, check out our group, the Brotherhood, help4men.com/join, help4men.com/join, or just go to help4men.com and click on Brotherhood in the menu there. Join our support community for men. You need to surround yourself with men that are there to help you out, okay? You need to, that's a big component of building that sense of self-worth that a lot of guys, and gals for that matter, skip, which is working with secure but like-minded peers. Like-minded meaning trying to get over the hump and trying to do better, actively trying to do better. And you'll get involved in online discussions and our live meetings together with myself and other guys. You can book time with me one-on-one to talk about this. I would be more than happy to do so. You need some help, brother. You need a lot, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not belittling you and telling you what a wuss you are or simp or whatever the words that people share. At your stage in life right now, you're at a point where you're realizing this is wrong, hence why you reach out to me to get help. And you're trying to like, how do I fix this? And I'm here to tell you, I'm grabbing you by the shoulders, looking in the eye, saying it ain't all you, buddy. Okay, you got a problem. We need to eliminate that side of the problem. And there goes over half of your issues right there when she goes out the door. But you still got stuff up here you need to work on. And I'm here to help you. You just gotta reach out and accept the help that I'm offering you. HelpForMen.com. Check out the brotherhood, join the group, then you can sign up for one-on-one with me. You can skip the group and just sign up with one-on-one with me, but the cost is actually much higher if you do it that way. If you sign up for the group, stay with the group for, I don't know, 3 or 4 months and sign up for coaching, it's actually cheaper than if you just sign up for coaching with myself. So we're incentivizing you to get help from others. There's hundreds and hundreds of guys many of which have been in your shoes. So check it out, the HFM Brotherhood at helpformen.com. All right, John, thank you so much for reaching out. I appreciate it.
