What Did We Learn Going Into Our Second Marriages? @drpsychmom

Perfect segue into the first question here, which came from, uh, Enoch. What a cool name.

Oh, I know Enoch Legger or whatever. That guy is on my Facebook.

Enoch Legger or whatever. He says, for us both, what, what did you, what did you do or looked for differently between your former partner and your current partner in order to have a successful second marriage? And What did you learn from your divorce? Well, that's a— oof, that's a big question. Um, shall I go first?

Um, oh sure. There were definitely, you know, Ralph, am I supposed to see comments here, or do only you get to see comments?

I see it. You should see a separate window just for comments, do you know?

I don't, but oh well, continue. Tell Enoch about your life.

Insert old lady technology joke here. Anyways, so I can't—

there are no— I can take a picture of that for you. There's no comments.

No, that's okay.

Whatever it says.

Sorry. Anywho, so Enoch says, uh, so what do we learn? And, um, not to throw my ex-spouse under the bus, I'm not trying to belittle her or make her look bad in any way, shape, or form or whatever. We were just fundamentally mismatched in a lot of different ways. It just took a while to figure that out. But, um, what did I learn was that I guess you, you kind of look at it very pragmatically. What do I not like in that previous relationship? Boom, boom, boom. Well, am I gonna put up with that shit again? No, no, eh, maybe, no. And yeah, you look at the second partner and you go, you know, I'll be damned. It's funny when, for a lot of us guys who are fresh out of a divorce, especially when they end the way mine did and all that stuff, you do find yourself going, goddammit, I'm with my ex-spouse all over again. I'll be damned. This one is exactly like her. How did I end up here? All right, back to the drawing board. And then that's a good way to learn. You know, you do that a few times. And then eventually you say, I know what I want and don't want in the new partner. And for me, it was probably, it's funny, my ex was very much type A professional, probably to use the vernacular, very masculine energy in a lot of ways, controlling and everything else. And I wanted somebody more feminine, bubbly, attractive in that way, yin to my yang kind of thing. Don't wanna be always butting heads and fighting and controlling the situation. And who did I end up with was a surgeon. But her personality type is very feminine, very bubbly, cute in that way, not as controlling and everything else. So that was very, very attractive to me. I don't know. Say again?

Is that her first marriage?

I am her second.

Her second? So it's both of your second?

Yes, correct. And how about for you?

Well, I mean, again, I'm not, you know, I don't go too in detail about anything with my ex, but my husband is a better fit in many ways that I've verbalized on when I've talked about compatibility and second marriages and what people look for. And specifically, I've talked about like when people go for a highly sensitive— when you're a highly sensitive person, which just, it's like a trait, it's whatever, it just means somebody who's more just let's say romantic or something, then— but if anybody's interested, they can of course look up highly sensitive people, it's like a thing— it's so much easier to go for somebody that's that same way, you know, like versus somebody who finds that to be like hard, you know, like who finds it to be difficult to think— like, you know, the guy in your, uh, thought experiment when we were talking about the wish list, would say that it gets to November 30th and they're like, oh shit, what's some stuff that she mentioned? Like, I wouldn't need to think like that, you know, nor would my husband. It would just be kind of obvious, you know. Like, my husband makes like a playlist of songs, you know. He makes me a card for every dating anniversary and every wedding anniversary every month. He's like super verbal. That's his job is like, you know, being very verbal and writing and all of that for his job. So it's just easier to be with somebody who's not the yin to your yang. A lot of people when they're young, they pick the yin to their yang. And I see all those yins and yangs in my office. And it like, it doesn't work out as much as people wish. Like the opposites attract thing does not really work out as much as, you know, movies would have you believe. Really in the second marriage, people go for somebody who's kind of like them. You know, in real basic ways. So like they speak the same language. It's so hard to be like, it's important to spend time together, it's important to do romantic things, to somebody who doesn't really think that, you know, through no— like that they have no need. You know, it's the same as for men when they find like a higher— not even a higher libido, because obviously that can go down, but like men talk about it much more with a physical touch love language. Like when they found a second wife who has a physical touch love language, versus somebody who, you know, right? So like, that's like, it's, it's somebody that you wouldn't have to say why you would want to cuddle. Like, you wouldn't have to say like, here are 3 bullet points I have presented on why cuddling is important in relationships with studies that I've gleaned from the internet, as of course many preoccupied attachment men present that document, you know. You wouldn't have to say that because it's like obvious, you know. And now I've just started to see comments magically from Nick. Hi, Nick! Hi Nick. I know Nick. But anyway, that is, uh, that is what I have to say about it. If somebody has your same, like, love language, whether it's like words of affirmation or whether it's like romance or whether it's touch, it's like super easier, you know. It's just there's not that, you know, like knocking your head into the wall all the time to explain shit that you think is like the definitive reason that you're married and they don't. —You know? —Mm-hmm.

The vernacular is, "We're just more compatible in a lot of different ways." And you gotta decide what ways are most important to you. And in marriage number one, again, not to throw under the bus too much, but I was routinely made to feel like kind of a weirdo for wanting to touch a lot. And like, just like, "Jesus." And I remember even a comment by my ex quite often was, "I don't think you were cuddled enough as a kid or something." And it's like, "Why?" You know, just because, you know, you want to spoon on the couch and watch TV or something like that? Well, it's funny, we did, my wife, now wife, and I did the old love language thing some time ago, and it both came up as number 1 was touch. So that's important to us. That's how we communicate that I like you and you like me is the touching thing. And so I'm not made to feel like a weirdo, and you're right, that's a giant weight off your shoulders not to be constantly feel like, "Yeah, maybe there is something a little wrong with me." Maybe, and especially maybe even as a man, to be kind of emasculated of, that's kind of needy of you to always be wanting to touch you. What kind of man is always touchy touchy touchy? Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm a bit of an effeminate man in that way. But no, when you find somebody that's like, yes, please touch me more.

Yeah, it's like women feel the same thing for romance. They say, oh, you should want date nights. And then guys like, do you think people do stuff like that outside of those rom-coms that you watch? People don't really do that kind of thing. And the woman then feels very you know, condescended to and very much like, well, maybe I guess that isn't something, you know, and blah blah blah blah. The same, you know, it's just the same equivalent. And nobody's like— when you're young, you don't really even know about compatibility. If you find like a good-looking person that looks right on paper, it's like game over, you know, for just people in their 20s. People in their 20s are very young, you know. Yes. Like, you don't realize it until you're twice that age, and then you're like, man, I was a child when I decided to get married, you know. Like, that's how many people feel. And I think it is, it is unusual for people to like, uh, even think about compatibility when they're in their 20s. Like, you, you just— it's just like, I'm attracted to that person, we get along, that's it, you know. It's— and but of course we have these big problems, but oh, fuck that, you know, I'm sure it'll work out. And then it just doesn't work out, you know.