When Desire Dies: A Husband’s Wake‑Up Call

You know, most marriages don't just die like in a single night. They die slowly. It's those little touches and those kisses that just don't happen anymore. And in that silence, you start to wonder, is this how I want to live out the rest of my life? Really? Or sometimes it goes into, do I want to cross a line that I can never ever come back from? The dead bedroom. It doesn't happen overnight, but it feels like it kind of sneaks up on you, doesn't it? It's like one year without sex turns into 2 years and turns into 5 years and then 7 years. And you just kind of, if you're a passive type, you kind of just sit back and wait for things to get better, for the desire to return. But instead it just gets worse and worse. The silence grows louder and louder, so to speak. And it's in that silence that some of us go looking for answers elsewhere, unfortunately, in the form of affairs, little secret lives, escorts, and when you cross that line, you're left with this double burden of the awful relationship that you have with your wife, the sexless relationship, and then all that shame and guilt that you're carrying for having this secret double life. And I have talked to a lot of men who have crossed that line. Over a decade ago, I went through a brutal divorce. I endured infidelity on the part of my partner. I became a single father to 3 little kids. And I took all that pain and I rebuilt myself from the ground up, and I dedicated my life to helping out guys like you. And you can learn more about my organization and what I do at help4men.com, as well as our private member group, our support community that we call the HFM Brotherhood. Today, I wanna share a story from a guy named Red who filled out the form at dearDSO.com. His story is brutally honest, and it's one that you gotta hear. So put yourself in Red's shoes. You're 41 years old. You've been married for 11 years, together with the same woman for 14 years. And on paper everything looks great, looks perfect. Everybody that sees you says, what a great couple. You got two kids that you love deeply, you got a home, you got all the financial stability, and even you physically, you know, you look the part. You look like a guy who's really got his stuff together physically. You're in excellent shape, you check all the boxes. But behind closed doors, completely different story. For about a decade now, you have been experiencing the old dreaded dead bedroom. And actually, when you look back on your relationship, even on your wedding night, you didn't get any action. And that's no bueno. Because that night, in everybody's mind, that's supposed to be like the beginning of everything. This is like the pinnacle of your togetherness as a couple. But there you are, lying next to your wife and nothing. But in the early, early part of the relationship, when you guys first started dating, it was very sexual, very romantic, and very connected. You felt validated, you felt healthy, you felt like a complete man. But very slowly over time, together as a couple, you realized, you know what? Sex really isn't that important to her. But like a lot of guys in this situation, you convince yourself You know what? This isn't that big of a deal because over time things will get better because what? Love conquers all, doesn't it? On top of that, we do have a societal message out there that tells a lot of men that those feelings that you have, those sexual urges that you have towards your partner, you need to tame those down. You should actually feel kind of shameful for having those feelings. It's a dirty thing. It's a perverted thing. It's even kind of a dangerous thing to have all those urges within you. So you need to keep those suppressed as much as humanly possible. But that stuff matters to you. It's not just the, the old in and out. It's not the act itself, but it's everything that goes with it. The connectedness, the love, the romance, the validation that you get from that connection with your spouse. All of that makes you feel chosen, and that is extremely important. And then you become a father. Two kids, and both of them were surprises because what she didn't tell you was she went off of her birth control. Not good. And like every man says, you love your kids to death, but there's a little part of you that can't help but have a little bit of resentment about how it is that they came into the world because technically the decision decision to become a parent was made by just your wife. One person. And that is not a good way to start the whole parenthood thing. And like a lot of men report, after the kids came into the picture, intimacy just stopped completely. 7 years of nothing. Let that sink in. 7 years. Now, it wasn't completely, completely nothing. You pestered her enough that she finally gave in and gave what's called the old pity sex once in a blue moon. But those sessions left you feeling even more disconnected because every touch, everything showed you that she just wanted nothing to do. And unfortunately, she went through some very real health concerns, and she had to have ultimately a hysterectomy. And you were there to support her during all of this and be a good husband and father to the kids while she's healing. But deep down, that caused the resentment and the dread to build up even more because you know what the hysterectomy means. If there was even a hint of a libido in there to begin with, it is now completely gone. And what's strange is when you finally approach her with the dreaded talk of like, "This is no way to go through life. I can't do this anymore. I feel very disconnected from you," she flips the script and she actually blames you for the hysterectomy. She says that you should have fought for her more and tried to find alternate ways of dealing with her health issues rather than hysterectomy. You should have researched more, and on and on. So that bitterness between the two of you, that incident where she blamed you for the hysterectomy very strangely, That was kind of the final nail in the coffin. And then you did what a lot of guys do. Instead of getting the divorce, you know, doing things legally and properly, you were fearful of losing your family and your kids and everything that you had built all those years. So you stepped outside of the marriage. And for 11 years, you used the services of sex workers, affair partners, not good. But what all that sneaking out did was it allowed you to feel again that passion, that excitement, the newness, you know, combined with the, Forbiddenness of the whole thing, knowing that you weren't supposed to do it, but you were doing it, gave you an extra boost of excitement that you were very, very much missing and lacking in your relationship with your wife. In, in a way that rekindled a very real and human need to feel desired. Even though some of these people you were paying for their services, it again, uh, filled a need within you that again is very human and is not to be shamed, but this is not the healthy way to go about filling that need. But in your mind, you were doing everything else the right way. You were taking care of yourself physically. You were in excellent shape. You had the old six-pack that everyone talks about. You were doing your part as a father and taking on all of the dad duties with the kids and doing all the things you're supposed to do with them, taking them to their events, and you were helping out with the chores at home and probably doing more than your fair share of housework if you're like a lot of guys that I talk to. And you were a good earner, making a lot of money and able to take your wife on vacations, the type of vacations that, you know, every woman dreams of. And in your defense, you still tried with a wife, even in spite of, you know, going outside of the marriage and with the sex workers and the affairs and everything else. You were still asking your wife, do you want to go on date night? You and I going out together. And she would repeatedly refuse. She had no interest. And you realize in the end there was no space for the two of you in the relationship at all. And you look back in the relationship and you realize you've only been on a date, one date in the last 7 years of your relationship. You also look back on the relationship and you realize she has had a lot of control of the relationship. She handles the kids' schooling. She homeschools the children. She manages all of your social functions as far as get-togethers with friends. That causes you to feel a further disconnect from her, and you realize that your sole job in all of this, as far as your family and your relationship to your wife is concerned, you're the financial guy. You're the guy who brings in the bacon, and that's basically it. And in your defense, again, you did sit her down and explain all of this. How you feel disconnected and how you feel like your role in the family is basically a guy who brings home money and that's it. And for a very brief moment, you think that maybe this is finally sinking in, that she's finally understanding things from your point of view. And you do see some behavior change in her, but then very quickly back to normal again. And so here you are, 11 years into the marriage, 14 years as a couple, 2 kids who deserve a happy home and a wife who admittedly is a great mother to them, but beyond that, there is nothing between the two of you. You are extremely disconnected, and you have been for a long, long time. And so you are torn. On one hand, you're looking at divorce. What does that represent? Freedom, a relief from all the stress of being with this woman. But on the other hand, losing time with your kids, being seen by everyone, your friends and everyone else in your circle, as the bad guy, the guy who divorced this, what seems to be a perfect mother. And also, deep down inside, you have the shame of knowing that you're a cheater. You don't know if you want to sacrifice more of yourself to the relationship, and at the same time, you don't want to be the guy that breaks up this family and lives with all of this guilt for the rest of his life. So thank you, Red, for writing in with this story, and to others who can relate to him, of which there are many of you out there, you got to be honest with yourself. Pick a path and stick to it. Understand what it is you're working with here. You have many, many years to show you this is who she is. This is not going to change. There may be a little bit of change. There may be a little bit of an improvement in how she attaches to you as her spouse, but don't expect a complete 180. That little bit of change that I mentioned, that comes from years and years of work with a therapist to show her, sweetheart, you got some real problems when it comes to your attachment to your partner and how you see a romantic relationship. That's not how these things go. It's good to go on date nights. It's good to have sex with your spouse, God forbid. It's good to be romantic together. There are people in this world that need to be legitimately taught how to do that. They do not have those tools in their mental and emotional toolbox at all. So that will take years and years of work on her part and a lot of patience on your part. So if you go down that road, that is the most positive outcome from all this. A little bit of change, a little bit of improvement after years and years of work on her part. And you need to be patient. So if you're gonna commit to that, really commit to that. But you have a track record, my friend, cheating. And from what I've seen, men or women alike, that is very, very difficult to put behind you. The thrill, the excitement, the little secret life, the validation and everything else that you receive from that world is highly addictive. And to say you're just gonna put it all behind you, good luck. And yes, going down the other path of divorce, option B over here, is not without its major negative outcomes. You're going to go through hell either way. So how do we decide which hell to choose? Here's what you need to do. You need to put down on paper what you want. Red and others, what I often say to guys in these positions is, dude, what do you want? And often what I hear from these guys is, is, I want a wife who wants me. I want a wife who desires me. I want a wife who enjoys spending time with me. I want a wife who is sexual. I want a wife who is romantic. I want a wife who is, yes, a good mother and primarily focuses on the children, but also has room for me, who also sees value in having room for me, who sees value in me as her mate, as her partner, who appreciates me and loves me for who I am. What I often say to those guys is, let's be realistic. Can you get that with wife. Be honest. If you do think there's a glimmer of hope there that you have seen over the years, some of that in her, it just needs to come out more so than what it has been, then cool. Then devote yourself to that. Give yourself a good 90 days to turn things around. And that doesn't mean turn things around completely and everything's great, but 90 days to put in the effort and lay the groundwork for putting together a plan for getting more connected as a couple. A good 3 months. You've endured it all these other years, give it a good 3 months. But if you put on paper, this is what I want, and you look to your wife and say, there is an absolute 0.00% chance of her ever becoming that, then let her go. Go on the offensive and take care of yourself and protect yourself legally and financially and go to an attorney and say, this is what I want to do. I want to divorce my wife. And do all you can to protect yourself because I guarantee you she will go on the offensive if you don't. And that doesn't mean be mean and conniving and go for the jugular and try to keep all the money from her. No, it just means protecting yourself and know what your legal rights are and gathering evidence if you need to, to show certain things. I don't know, whatever the attorney may say you need to do, but you need to do it. Now, back to Option A, sticking with her. Let's say you go to counseling together and you determine, you know, there is a glimmer of hope here. Maybe some things came out, some aha moments that came out during the session that makes you think, I think I do want to put in the work here. I do want to put in the 90 days to see if we can build momentum towards turning this around. Then, my friend, you have to put the whole cheating thing behind you 100%. Whether you want to admit it to the wife or not, I don't know. There's some schools of thought either way. One is you need to completely relieve yourself of the pressure and shame of all this and put it out on the table and just say, "Wife, this is who I am. This is what I have done." There's also the school of thought of that's actually putting all that negativity on wife for no good reason. Take it to your grave. It doesn't serve you any good to put that on the shoulders of your wife. I don't know. I'm kind of stuck in the middle there. I'm not really sure where to go with that. But one thing you do need to do is go get yourself checked out if you haven't already medically. Make sure you're not holding any kind of sexually transmitted diseases or whatever it may be. 'cause it's very unhealthy putting your wife's health at risk, you know, by screwing around with all these women. There's a good chance you caught something along the way, and to pass that on to your wife is not fair to her. So put that all behind you, the cheating, not gonna do that anymore. You may need to go to therapy to work on what it is about you that needs that outside validation from all those folks repeatedly like that. You know, we're not talking about just one little affair with the gal from the office. You have a pattern here of going again and again and again. You got something you need to work on too. And in the end, you may determine that, you know what, a long-term monogamous relationship with one person it's just not in the cards for me. Even if you had a healthy sexual relationship with that person, it still may not be enough for you, dude. Be honest with yourself. Is that you? Something to ponder. Whichever direction you go, you put that behind you. You decide to work on you. You got a lot of work ahead of you, dude, and you are going to have to be the driver of all of this. If you sit back and wait for her to make the date nights, if you sit back and wait for her to schedule this and schedule that, it ain't going to happen, dude. The hysterectomy thing that shows that there's, there's going to need to be some kind of medical intervention here. You need to be the guy to say, "We need to go to the doctor and look into hormonal replacement therapy." Yes, it's healthy and safe. Your— her physician's gonna be the one to make that call anyway. It may not be. I don't know what the nature of her issues were that caused a hysterectomy at a young age. That shows that there's something going on there, and the doctor may say for her, hormonal replacement therapy's a no-no. If that's the case, then good luck, you know, trying to turn things around sexually and romance-wise. It just may not be possible with her at all. Period. Gotta be honest about that. So then you get the medical stuff out of the way. You've set the cheating aside. You're getting help, you know, on— from another therapist or with this therapist on your, your cheating and your compulsive behavior in that way. As you can see, it's a lot of work. Then you get to the point of saying, let's reconnect as a couple. This is where you get the babysitters and the family members to watch the kids, and you guys go out for date night once a week, every week, if not more. And then maybe once a month or every 2 months you for a weekend away from the kids. That's really tough. But these are the kind of things you have to do, and these are the things that you gotta push for, and these are the things that wife is going to initially say no to, but you push again and again. It's a lot of work, dude. It's a lot of patience on your part. Your history shows that you may not be up for it. It's going to be a little bit tougher for you than maybe for the average dude because you saw the good life, so to speak, with all these affairs and the sex workers and everything else. You realize that that world is out there and it's easy to get, All you got to do is what, pick up your phone and text somebody and away you go. It's going to be really tough to avoid that temptation while dealing with a wife who the very basics of intimacy and romance come— it's a struggle to her. It's tough, dude. So put it out there again. This is what I want. These are my boundaries. This is what I will not put up with anymore. And this is what I expect out of a relationship. This is what I want out of a spouse. Wife, can you be that person? Yes or no? If she says, yes, I can be. Well, let's figure out what it takes to get there together. And I will be your loving, responsible partner going through all of this. Or she may come back to you and say, that ain't me and it never will be me. And there's your answer. And yes, you have to go down option B. There's no other way around it, dude. You can't continuously go through life with this, leading this dual life that you're leading right now. It will kill you inside eventually, if not physically kill you via, you know, an STD or, you know, running into somebody else's husband when you're screwing around with his wife or something like that. Those situations don't end well, dude. And through all of this, do not forget the children. Regardless, you're going to go through a lot and it's going to cause a lot of chaos one way or the other. There's going to be chaos, there's going to be drama, and there's going to be a lot of all kinds of nastiness that's going to occur. And those little kids, they're going to be scared, and you're going to need to be the tough one, the person that they can rely on when the ground is shaky under their feet. So you want to be that guy regardless of the path that you take, you are going to need help through all of this. There is nothing wrong with raising your hand and saying, "Need a little help here." You've done a great thing by reaching out to me, taking the first step at the deardso.com site. I appreciate it a great deal. Thank you for sharing your story, Red. But you have a lot more work to do. I recommend, like I said before, the therapist. Talk one-on-one. But if the therapist is a good one, they're going to suggest that you also join a support community or a support group of like-minded guys. And may I suggest our own group, the Brotherhood? And you can learn more at help4men.com or jump right to the join page at help4men.com/join. We have hundreds of men from all over the world that get together. We talk in our discussion forums. We have live Zoom meetings, guys sharing stories, guys that have been in your exact position, Red, and others that are watching this. So join us at help4men.com. And guys, if part of the story or all of it sounds really familiar to you, you're not alone, not by a long shot. Healing, changing, turning your life around. Is absolutely possible, believe it or not. And it begins with taking the first step. So guys, reach out to me, submit a story at deardso.com. I do read them all. And if your story is a good one, I'll share it here with the whole world. But guys, let's work together. Let's see what we can do to come up with a solution for you, because I guarantee you, your situation is not hopeless. There are many men who have been there and done that before you. So guys, make sure you subscribe to the channel down below. Stay connected. Reach out if you need some help. I'm here for you. Until next time, take care of yourself. Don't give up. We'll catch you on the next one.