When She Tells You Who She Is... Listen

When a person tells you again and again who they are, listen to them. They're not lying. Let's talk about it in today's Dear DSO submission. And you can submit your own story or question to deardso.com. Fill out the form, and if your submission is a good one, I will create a video out of it for the whole world to see, or for the podcast listeners to listen to on the Dad Starting Over podcast. Available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, wherever you may listen to your podcast. And if you are watching this on the YouTube channel, if you could do me a favor, click down below and click on subscribe, click on like, leave a comment, share. I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you so very much. Now on to today's Dear DSO submission, and this one comes from DSO Prototype. All right, um, he says, I could unpack for days, but something specific I'd love your opinion on. I, a 48-year-old male, fit the mold as the anxious, and she, 46-year-old female, fits the mold of multiple layers of childhood issues. Lots of ups and downs over 20 years. Typical life/marriage stuff. And we both acknowledge that there's a lot we could have done better. We have stuck it out largely because of 4 kids, ages 7 to 16 years old, and still have a lot of very happy times together. Our parents were all divorced and neither of our dads were around much, and we recognize that there's benefits of a two-parent household. And it helps that I am fortunate to have a career that provides for things that we both dreamed of while growing up. Most importantly, not always being worried about money and her not needing to work. So here's the issue I'd like to get your opinion on. My wife doesn't, and never really has, enjoyed sex and physical intimacy. This is beyond the age/kid-related changes. She doesn't like kissing because she is grossed out by saliva. She doesn't like receiving oral because she is too self-conscious, parentheses, thanks to her first love who was emotionally abusive, or to be fingered. I know that sounds adolescent, but I'm running out of options, he says. She has minimal to no sensation in her breast nipples, and she is pretty ticklish all over her body. In general, she is not a touchy cuddler type. She recently admitted that she has only orgasmed with another person present once in her life, the asshole first boyfriend in high school. She was pretty well decided that that's just how she is. There is some slight responsive interest, but she doesn't try to orgasm at all or be excited about doing things that she knows I enjoy, such as kissing, oral, etc. No unusual requests, he says. Quote, a blowjob is still a job. Meanwhile, I crave giving her oral. I really love it. She doesn't understand at all that knowing I'll probably never give her an orgasm leaves a hole in my heart. I want to be that person for her. I want to make out and kiss every inch of her body and sleep naked with her. None of that is of interest. I've done the research and I've tried to understand if she is a lesbian or asexual, or if too many partners has caused a lack of chemical stimulation. I've gone down many rabbit holes. I would say that we are both very attractive for our demographic. Were the good-looking and fit parents in the PTA. And I've had enough girlfriends/hookups to know that the size of the boat and the motion of the ocean are desirable. Although admittedly, getting any direction from her is near impossible with everything being off limits. So where I am today, it feels like the definition of rare duty sex, which I struggle with guilt, crushed self-esteem, but still desire for any physical touch. But equally important, I really miss the emotional connection, that real desire, passion, and intimacy that I want with my wife. I just want her to stare in my eyes and grab me and make out. I love the book and it has helped the dynamic in the house and given me some happiness with kids and hobbies without constant worry. I've always exercised, but now I do it when I want instead of 4 AM as to not inconvenience her. I am still working on not doing all the household chores. I told you, I'm the prototype. Sincerely, thank you for your help. And then he continues on. He's not done yet. He says, one last pertinent item. Therapy does not work. We have tried it a number of times on different issues over the years, and she ends up not liking the therapist or saying that I'm trying to look like I'm the good guy and she's the bad guy. Which is never my goal. Perhaps perspectives just differ. She will admit that she thinks she's always right. I've spent considerable time trying to figure out how to align us as a team that needs help, but something triggers her and she feels attacked. Same with individual therapy for herself. It just doesn't work. Appreciate your help and any suggestions. I know it's a tough one when therapy isn't helpful and I can't tell her to orgasm slash "Let me give her oral slash she needs to give enthusiastic blowjobs or I am leaving!!!" "Thank you for all that you do. I believe you are making an impact on a lot of hopeful guys, and that's a noble cause and a great legacy." Oof, Mr. Prototype, that's a tough one, buddy. This is one of those where I kind of throw my hands up and go, exactly what are you expecting me to do here? Are you asking for like some little hidden piece of advice that will flip a switch and completely change your wife's personality? Are you just venting? What's the purpose here? Because I think you know the answer here. This, my friend, what you're describing, your wife, that's your wife. Sorry, I don't know how many years of feedback you need to get from her verbally, physically, behaviorally, if you want to call it that, in order for you to take the hint. This is who you married, and you know that's who you married, and you've known this is who she is all these years, and you just can't freaking take it anymore, right? Well, as long as you are with her, that's precisely what your world looks like. This is who she is. Whatever the mechanism that got her to this point, and this point sounds like it's not just like today, it sounds like it's been all the previous years you've been together up to this point. What— whether it's a result of trauma, whether it's just who she is personality-wise, whether it's a result of some kind of past sexual experience, whatever it may be, she, my friend, is not a sexy, cuddly, emotional type of person. She's your quintessential low libido avoidant individual. Some things that make me speak in such platitudes. I don't know if you realize it, but she's checking boxes as if you were reading from a textbook on a low libido avoidant person. There is a warning sign to a lot of people when you are in an early relationship with somebody. If they have a real aversion to some very normal biological things such as, "Ew, saliva," or, "Ew, body fluids," or, "Ew, certain kind of smells," or, "I don't like people touching me there. I don't like people putting their I don't like to put my mouth there. I don't like doing this and that. That is a very telltale sign for a low libido individual. They're not going to be a sexy creature in the sack at all, ever. I know there's a case for, well, maybe if they go to therapy, maybe if they work on their issues, maybe if they work on breaking down some of those walls that they have put around themselves, but you just said it right here. Therapy don't work with this gal. And from what I've seen talking to so many men over the years, your gal fits a certain mold and you're right, therapy doesn't work for those type of people. This is not a gender thing. A lot of men fall under this category as well. There is quite literally nothing that you, my friend, can do. She has to be the one to say, "I got a problem here. There's something wrong." quote unquote, with me sexually. That's up for debate. Maybe that's just who she is. She needs to find a partner that better matches her at her level, and that ain't you. But there is something, quote, wrong with her, probably on the emotional scale, the fear of vulnerability, the inability to take accountability for her actions. You know, she goes to get help and somebody says, I think you may need to work on this and this. And she's like, they hate me. I don't like this. This person's just against me. And she runs. I hear this really often from a lot of guys when they finally go to marriage counseling and the lady, the wife, literally storms out of the room saying, "Eff all you people," because the therapist had the nerve to say, "Maybe there's some things you need to work on, wife." I'm going to cut this short. This is who she is, and she has told you this again and again and again verbally. She has told you this via her action. I understand you wanting to hang on for the purpose of maintaining the family. You come from a broken home and so does she, not a coincidence. And you want to do anything and everything you can to maintain the family unit. And I'm telling you, if you are saying to me, Ralph, divorce is off the table, that is never happening, then you have 2 avenues. Yeah, several avenues really, want to be technical about it. One is, this is your life, dude, suck it up. What can you do? You don't want a divorce, you don't want to leave this woman, this is what you're up against. Sorry. Thing 2, have an affair. Don't tell her about it, run off and get your jollies met elsewhere. But I can tell you after talking to many men who have gone down that road, once you get a taste of the good life with a person who really desires you and meets you at a sexual and emotional level, yeah, you ain't coming back, dude. Thing 3, have an above-the-board kind of sexual relationship with others. If your wife is like most, she's going to say, "Oh, hell no. If you do that, I will divorce you and ruin your life." So, good luck with that. That sounds very cynical and very negative of me. But guys, this is reality, okay? That's who she is. I'm not sure what more to tell you. You picked a broken one. Or let's be fair, you picked one that's not a good match for you. And frankly, she wouldn't be a good match for most men who are healthy emotionally, sexually, and so forth. Speaking of healthy emotionally, you, my friend, got some shit you need to work on. Yes, you've identified it early on in your message here. You are Mr. Anxious in a big, big way. How do I know? Just based upon all the language here. You're just trying, you're always giving, you're always like, "Love me now, love me now. I want nothing more than to perform certain acts on her. It kills me inside that she's not having an orgasm." You are very much emotionally and mentally dependent upon her. And her actions, and ironically, being the fact that you are wired that way, you are with the person who is the complete opposite of what it is that you need. Your need, your wants, and all the other stuff is not necessarily bad. That's who you are. But it is bad when you're trying to extract that from a person who just doesn't have it. That is very, very broken on your part, and you need to figure out why the hell you keep doing that. Why do you hang on to a person like this? Why'd you get with them in the first place? You saw all the warning signs, you stuck with them, you had 4 freaking kids with them, and now here you are going, "Man, this sucks." And everybody around you like, "Yeah, dude. What'd you expect?" And then our follow-up question is, "What are you doing hanging around with this woman?" And the answer is you don't like yourself very much and you need to figure out why that is. Why do you have such a high intense level of insecurity within yourself to put up with this shit and to continually chase after somebody who does not want you. And she never will. You need some help, brother. And if I may, if you've watched my stuff, you've heard me say this, but dude, I created a group for you and guys like you. It's called the Brotherhood. You can learn more at help4men.com or jump right to the join page at help4men.com/join. It's a private support community for men only. We talk about this kind of stuff all day, every day, along with stuff about parenting and career and dating after divorce and, you know, maintaining a sexy marriage and all that good stuff. All that stuff that men just don't have a lot of people in their real life to talk to, you know, about this kind of thing. But we have a community just for that. We get together in discussion forums and live Zoom meetings. We get together in person. You get all my books at no additional charge. We have coaching. All kinds of cool stuff. So check it out, the Brotherhood at helpformen.com. All right, Mr. Prototype, thank you for reaching out. I do appreciate it. And guys, thank you for watching, and we'll see you on the next one.