When an anxious partner discovers their avoidant spouse cheated, they typically blame themselves and imagine the lover is superior. The speaker explains that infidelity often stems from the avoidant partner's attachment style, not from any lack in the anxious partner. The lover may turn out to be unremarkable, but the damage to self-esteem is real.
Chapters
now what Bob and others like him, including women who have reached out to me, women who are very anxious and married to very avoidant men, what some discover is, holy shit, my spouse who wanted nothing to do with me all these years, wouldn't ever hold hands, doesn't like to cuddle, doesn't like to do the old sex, they've been fooling around with somebody else all this time. It makes no sense. That's what Bob's going through here. He's like, I don't get it. I've been, you know, hungering for this woman for so long, and she's just been like, it's not me, that's not me, get away, get away, get away. And lo and behold, she's been with somebody else, sounds like for a couple of years now. Bob and others that are going through this, your first inclination, especially as Mr. Anxious Guy, is to say that this dude must have something that I don't have. And what you jump to is saying he must have— I've, you know, it's ridiculous, bear with me here, but often guys will say must have larger genitalia. He must be richer. He must be maybe a kinder, sweeter man. Maybe I need to do better at that. Maybe he's more of an alpha male type dude. He's tougher. He's more manly. I'm not as masculine as him. And what a lot of guys like Bob here discover after they find out who Mr. Loverboy is, is they say, okay, this makes no sense. What Bob is insinuating here is that his wife's lover was a loser.
