Why She Says "I Need to Feel Close" Before Sex — But Hooked Up With Strangers?

This is a topic that I see addressed by a lot of people in video format, articles, and so forth, but no one ever gets to the meat of the issue here, as far as I can tell. This is my perspective on this, my perspective as a dude who has worked one-on-one and in group work with a lot of dudes for a decade plus. So take it for what it's worth. I'm not a psychologist, I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm not an -ist of any kind. No degrees, certifications, anything, okay? Average dude who happens to work with a lot of guys one-on-one and a lot of mentorship, if you will. So the big question is, does a woman need emotional connection? Is the term often used. Does a woman need an emotional connection with a man in order to have sexual relations with him? If you look at the comments on my videos and posts and so forth, a lot of women say this. Over and over and over again. Well, the reason that we have a dead bedroom issue within a lot of relationships is the woman does not feel connected to her spouse. She needs that emotional, that real emotional connection, that closeness. Otherwise, she can't go over into the erotic sexual side of herself. It's just women aren't wired that way, a lot of women will say. Are we saying that they're liars or whatever? No, that's their perspective on that. But the grand question though is, Do women in general, do women in general need an emotional connection in order to feel sexual arousal with, I guess, the guy right in front of her? And the answer is no. Well, Ralph Brewer Brewer Brewer, all these women are saying otherwise. Are you saying they're liars? No, again. Let's qualify this further, shall we? We have plenty of evidence that shows us, and anybody who's dated done the old casual sex thing, dated around trying to get to know people, and sometimes that results in sexual intimacy with said people, will report back— any guy, single guy that's been on the prowl, so to speak, will report back that it's that phase of courtship, trying to get to know women, dating, that is when, for a lot of us, sexual intimacy comes the easiest. You meet a gal, you have a couple of drinks, you have some good laughs together. Next thing you know, you're making out. Next thing you know, you're in the parking lot, literally getting it on with a woman you just met. And if she were to pause mid-act and say, by the way, what's my name? Some of you might be hard-pressed to go, uh, duh, duh, pfft, uh, duh. In other words, you don't even know who this person is. All you know is at a very visceral, almost animalistic level, There was enough of a sexual connection, chemistry. You guys clicked at enough of a level to actually do the most vulnerable of vulnerable acts, sexual intercourse with this person. That happens every day, all day, all over the world. Very little personal, intellectual, any kind of connection. Yes, very little emotional connection, deep emotional connection. No pun intended, but they were still able to get it on. So does that just throw out all these women who say women need emotional connection in order to do that? No, because I think if those women were honest— that's not the right term— if these women were more thorough in their answer or their little comment on said videos, they would follow that up to say— and this is the thing, this is the kicker, folks— We got two different games going on here, if you will, with two different set of rules. There's the game of, oh, doing the mating dance, if you will, for men and women alike. Short-term sexual fun. I'm at the club, I'm at the bar, I'm at the social event. I make eyes with somebody, I walk over, hey, how are you? We really click. And later that day, that night, or even within that same hour, we're getting it on. That has a different set of rules than over here, which is long-term monogamy. We've been together for years. We cohabitate, we have kids, we have stress. People in our lives have died. People have lost jobs. Uh, there's past resentments between the two of us. Two different worlds, man. This over here, the short-term sexy fun is extremely intoxicating to your average dude. And it's a bit misleading, for lack of a better term, because it teaches us or it trains us men to act a certain way in order to get the ultimate prize for us, which is sexual gratification, sexual connection with a woman. We know that it doesn't take much for for some of us lucky guys out there who have done that in the form of all we gotta do is date, maybe buy a meal, maybe, maybe buy drinks, just show up and be ourselves and find a woman, really click, and boom, away we go. What a lot of us don't appreciate and what these women in these comments are telling us is, "Dude, now that you got us, we were over here with you before. Now we're over here." Picture like a fence. We've already jumped the fence and now we're into long-term monogamy and commitment. I've said this before and I'll say it until I'm blue in the face. Now that safety, security, familiarity— it's hard to say— that long-term monogamy commitment has set in, the rules change. It ain't so easy anymore. And yes, dude, the game changed. You no longer possess— as far as this is the woman talking— you no longer possess that little magic that you used to. And that magic in large part was your newness. Let's be honest, your novelty, your newness, your spontaneity, the cute guy that I just met. This is exciting. This is somewhat forbidden. Oh, this is crazy. Let's just do this. You can't replicate that with that person anymore within over here with the long-term monogamy, with the kids and the stress and the resentments and everything else. So what she's telling you, dude, is The game plan has changed. It ain't that easy anymore. You gotta jump through a lot more hoops, check a lot more boxes in order to get the prize of the sexual connection. And one of those hoops is you gotta connect with me up here emotionally, intellectually. You can't just walk in the door and go, "It's been a long, tough day at work. You want to get it on?" It doesn't work that way anymore. Yes, I know it used to work that way. Potentially years ago when we were first dating. I get it. Sorry, dude. The game plan has changed. Now we need to really connect, like a lot. You got to really warm me up. You got to really rev the engine. You got to prime the pump. Sorry, that's what it takes. Now, if that message gets out to a lot of folks, to a lot of guys, like, dudes, the game changes when you, when you enter into a marriage and long-term monogamy. Ain't so simple anymore. It's a lot tougher. Yes. And it involves some of that soft stuff as well as some of the— here's the thing, don't lose sight of what you did over here. I keep using over here. Over here is the, the courtship phase, dating phase. When you're doing the mating dance, you can't lose sight of some of the stuff. A lot of the stuff that you did over here, you got to integrate it into over here, which includes some of the more softer stuff, some of the, uh, the commitment and all that good stuff that goes with long-term marriage. Don't forget this, mix it in with this. And there's some new stuff you got to mix in there. You have to have a new mindset in place. And when that message gets out to a lot of men, what a lot of women are surprised is to get the feedback from men going, okay, hold on a second. Then why would I ever enter into a long-term monogamous relationship if getting the prize of sexual intimacy is that much more difficult? If it sounds almost downright impossible for some of us to achieve that, why would I put myself behind the 8-ball, so to speak? To which a lot of women understandably get a little angry. Like, dude, is that the only reason you got with me? Is that the only reason you got married to me was for that? It's like, no, that ain't the only reason. But it is a crucial component. And a, um, a common analogy that is going around right now on the internet, which I love because it's, it's pretty perfect, is I don't buy a new house for the bathroom. The house has the kitchen and the basement. Holy crap, have you seen the bedroom? And look at the living room. This is amazing. But where's the toilet? Where's the bathroom? It's to keep with that analogy. It's like The sex is the bathroom. Doesn't sound right, does it? But when we first date, there's this bathroom with this hot tub and the stand-up shower and his and her sink, and it was just holy shit amazing. And now you're telling me now that we got married, you took a sledgehammer to the bathroom and you're saying just go out in the backyard. It's like, I don't, I don't want to go out in the backyard. What happened to the bathroom? Oh, you want a bathroom? You have to put in the work to reassemble everything I just demolished with the sledgehammer. You have to get some drywall together and do some plumbing and redo the tile. And you're like, oh man, that sounds like a lot of work. It's like, well, that's what it takes. I don't think I want this anymore. You're going to throw away all this house because it doesn't have a bathroom and you have to work to restructure the bath? Yeah, that's what a lot of guys say. That may be Exhibit A for those guys ain't wired for marriage. That may be Exhibit A for they've been sold a bill of goods. That a lot of men expect that ease of sexual connection to, um, continue on once married and connected and have kids and everything else. By the way, yes, a lot of men have been literally sold on that. Nothing's going to change between you and I. It will remain at this level of activity or some semblance of it with the same effort for decades. And that just ain't true. It takes work. It takes a little know-how. If you need a little rizz, as the kids like to say, charisma. I learned not too long ago that that's short for charisma. Never made the connection. And a little bit of game and a little bit of— no, yeah, guys still do that, the long-term game, but you gotta soften it a bit and add to it some of the other more father, long-term husband game mixed in there with it. Such as— that's the nature of the beast. So guys, I don't know if that connected with any of you, if that helps make more sense. Let's, let's simplify that even further. Short-term sex, fun, hooking up game, night and day different from long-term monogamy game. If long-term monogamy game sounds hard, maybe you shouldn't do it. That's all there is to it. Now, Some women listening to that may say, yeah, tell them, Ralph, tell them, stay out of marriage. Well, ladies, you just lost a whole bunch of dudes if you go down that road. Perhaps we should come to some kind of compromise here. It's a two-way street. It ain't all on the dudes. Okay? You ladies need to put in the work as well. You can't just drop things and go, I'm a mom now. It's like, mm, it don't work that way. You got to maintain some of this over here too, some of that early relationship Mating game behavior, you got to keep it up as well. Sorry, it's a two-way street. That's where a lot of ladies— that's where I lose a lot of ladies because they're like, don't you realize how stressed I am with the kids? I'm like, I know, life ain't fair. Such is life. What can I tell you?