Why You Feel So Needy (And How to Stop)

You're staring at your phone and she hasn't texted you back. Your brain is spinning out of control, ruminating with thoughts, and your hands are itchy to text her a hello, how are you doing, beautiful? You may call this being in love, but it's not necessarily. It's panic. This is neediness, trying to make one individual fix your emotional state on demand. What do I mean by neediness? I don't mean don't have needs. You are a human being and you do need connection with other people. But neediness is different. That's your nervous system saying, "I will not be okay unless this person does this exact thing that I need right now." That is not connection necessarily. That is control disguised as romance. Needing connection is healthy. Needing somebody to regulate you in a very specific way at this exact moment is not healthy. Think of it like hunger. Hunger itself is normal. Panicking the second that you feel the sensation of hunger, that is a negative habit. If you have never learned to tolerate emotional hunger—loneliness, shame, uncertainty—you will scramble for the fastest calories, so to speak. That text message from them, that reassurance, that checking on her social media profiles, This is exactly like junk food. It does technically work, but 10 minutes later you feel like shit. Secure men can feel hungry without raiding the pantry. So, if you're like a lot of guys that I work with, you are relating to this whole neediness thing. But where in the hell does this come from? Like everything else, it seems it all starts with what? Our childhood. As a kid, you probably learned that big emotions get a response. You got attention, and you got that much-needed attention only, it seems, if you turn the volume way up. And so your system has learned, you want to feel something, then you better escalate. Later in life, as an adult, you hand that volume knob, so to speak, to your partner. That is not good. You are outsourcing self-control. Secure relationships are not two people fixing each other. It's two people who can self- regulate, but they do have some agreements between the two of them and how their relationship unfolds. Here is what I call the 90-second anti-neediness drill. When the wave of neediness hits you, do this: name it out loud. This, you tell yourself, is anxiety and shame that I'm feeling. I'm not going to die. Verbally and physically put it out there. What are things that you are seeing and experiencing right now? What are you feeling and hearing and tasting and smelling? That puts you physically and mentally within your space. And then there's the tried and true, and guys, this really does work and it helps out with anxiety. Breathe. You can do the old box breathing. This is a technique that the military and other people use. Breathe in 4 seconds, pause 4 seconds, breathe out 4 seconds, pause 4 seconds. So breathe in, 2, 3, 4, pause, 2, 3, 4, breathe out, 2, 3, 4, pause, 2, 3, 4, breathe in, and so on and so forth. Do this for 10 total repetitions. Do what I like to call the dead phone test. If you knew that her phone was dead for 24 hours, how would you fill the time? Pick 3 options to fill your time. Maybe go for a walk. Maybe go to the gym. Maybe call up a friend. Maybe write your feelings down in a journal. That really works well for a lot of guys. Maybe go take a shower. Relax. Take a nap. Run some errands. Knock some things off your to-do list. Delay the impulse that you are feeling. Give yourself permission and say, "You know what? If after my walk, plus an additional 30 minutes after my walk that I'm going to go take, if I still feel like contacting her, I will." And you know what'll happen? You probably won't want to. So, name, notice, breathe, dead phone technique, and delay. Neediness thrives in unspoken expectations. Maybe be very forthcoming with your partner and tell them, hey, when I'm feeling a little anxious, a little antsy, a little spun up, are you okay with maybe shooting me a quick text and say, hey dude, I got your message, I'll get back with you later, love you? And hopefully, you'll get a real answer from her. She may be kind of like 25% of the way there and say like, "Man, I don't know if I— do I have to text you back immediately?" Or maybe she's 100%, she says, "Yeah, absolutely. No problem at all. I'll text you back right away. No big deal." If she's one of those 25% like, "I don't know, maybe." Are you cool with that? Can you accept that? Can you work towards building the extra 75% that's missing there? What you don't do is expect 100% compliance, so to speak, and then be resentful towards her when she doesn't play the part that you have secretly worked out in your head. Guys, clarity beats fantasy. Adults make agreements with each other, and children pout. Maybe you and your partner, spouse, girlfriend, wife, whatever, maybe you two used to talk like all day long, every day, right? And then life happens. Somebody got a new job. Maybe there's a new child in the mix. Some kind of new stressful thing that's taking up time for one or both of you. Your capacity for connection changes naturally over time, especially in a long-term monogamous relationship. You pause and appreciate what you had in the past, but you stop demanding that in the present. Work with what is true today, not yesterday's highlight reel. Neediness is what we call a single point of failure living. You need to build redundancy in your life. You need to work on your body. You need to sleep properly, eat properly. You need to exert yourself, exercise, lift heavy things, move your body, and do cardiovascular exercise. You need to work on socializing with other men. Build your community, build your brotherhood. And you can learn more about my brotherhood group at help4men.com/join. You need to work on your life mission, something completely outside of your romantic relationship. Your work, your craft, learning, serving your community. You need to work on your relationship or emotional skills. Learn about boundaries, learn about conflict, learn about anxiety and depression and all those things. For a lot of anxious guys that I work with, this doesn't seem to be a problem. You guys love to learn about all this kind of stuff. Keep it up! And guys, here's the one that everyone seems to forget. Have some freaking fun in life. Join a group that does the hobby that you really love. Have you joined a sports club? They have 'em for 40, 50, 60-year-olds. How about a live music concert? When's the last time you went to one of those? How about a comedy club? How about a funny book? How about a funny series on Netflix? Something that sparks a little joy within you. Something that once you're in it, you laugh and you lose track of time. If the only good thing in your life is her, you will end up smothering her. You're putting too much weight on her shoulders, and she will resent you for it, and you will end up hating yourself in the process. If you don't like you, then any kind of rupture in a relationship feels like an identity death, and therefore, that's why you chase. Self-respect is a behavior It's not some fleeting feeling. You need to show up on time, keep your word, train your body, do the hard things in life, and tell the truth. Be a man that you admire, and then you won't beg other people to validate you. Reach out to your partner when you feel grounded. It is okay to have feelings. It's okay to have a bad day, to reach out to somebody and say, "I need to talk about something." But when you are feeling shaky and needy, regulate yourself first. Self-soothe and then communicate. If this kind of talk hits home for you, guys, check out my new book Rebuild. You can go to readrebuild.com or go directly to Amazon and search for Rebuild and my name, Ralph Brewer. And while you're at it, guys, like I mentioned before, check out the brotherhood, our private community for men only. We get together for private discussion forums, live Zoom meetings, we get together in person. All my books at no additional charge, over 1,300 hours of audio content. If you're a podcast, audiobook kind of guy, you are gonna be in heaven. And we have hundreds and hundreds of men from around the world that are going through the same thing. A lot of guys who have overcome their neediness and a lot of guys that are working on it just like you. So guys, thank you so much for watching. Give me a like, give me a subscribe, and I will catch you on the next one.