Why Your Wife Left — And How To Finally Move On | Dr. Elana Hoffman

You can learn more about Alana, what she does, and her book at soyourwifeliftyou.com. So some guys should sit up straight when they hear that, be like, that sounds familiar. Unfortunately, unfortunately, a large part of my audience knows that whole world well of wives leaving their hubbies. And, um, you know, a lot of instances when you sit down the husband and go, what happened? They're able to tell you, like, I'll tell you exactly what happened, this boom boom boom, this moment Often these things are, oh, precipitated by a giant holy poop moment, as we call it in life. Sometimes it's the birth of a child that sends things into a tailspin, job loss, illness. Then there's the— those are kind of like life things that hit you, and who knows how you're going to respond. Then we have the things that are a little bit more nefarious, such as bariatric surgery. I'm not familiar with people that do the weight loss surgery. I get a lot of those guys. Wife went to the weight loss surgery, lost 100 pounds, goodbye wife. You know, those not so nice things. So, um, but there's also a contingent of men that when you sit them down, they're like, I, I have no idea, everything was fine. We— fine, fine means boring, you know. We just, we lived for decades in this way, kids were fine, blah blah blah. And then literally I got the, I love you but I'm not in love with you. Often these men discover affairs, not always, and, uh, in a way they go and, and they're left very alone. And they're— those are the type of guys I think that will be very alone and confused. Those are the guys who are going to be attracted to So Your Wife Left You because they're looking for answers. They don't know what the hell happened, where they went wrong. That's the first place a lot of guys go because we're fixers. I can fix this, damn it. It's kind of ego-driven thing. This must be my fault. Um, so I guess I'll hand it over to you. What was the genesis of this? Why is Dr. Alana Hoffman talking about this? So take it away.

Yes, well, thank you so much. So nice to connect with you and to be here. The genesis was, you know, I'm a psychologist, I have a private practice in Washington, DC, all virtual, and I see lots of couples, I see individuals and couples. And I see men who, you know, after separation or divorce, it's a really important time time for reflection and introspection. And especially, like you said, you know, some people who don't know why, what happened, and they're really confused. And they come in and they say, I did XYZ, I was really involved with the kids, and I made the money, and I did all the things, and I did everything she asked, and yet I'm still divorced, and this still happened, and you know, what went wrong? And so it's a really, you know, kind of they often miss so much of what's important in a marriage and in a relationship and with intimacy and connection. And they, they're doing what they think is right, but it's not actually what their wives are wanting or asking for, right? And so they're left with like, what, you know, what happened? So, so I wrote So Your Wife Left You, Now What? Um, as a kind of, um, like a bite-sized you know, each chapter is kind of like a bite-size of a much larger topic because I think there's only so much that one can digest when they're kind of in this place of going through separation and divorce. And it's like they don't— they can't and they don't want to necessarily go so deep into one specific thing. So it's kind of like, here's a brief overview on attachment theory, which is super important, or here's love languages, or here's how to set up a Tinder profile, which is also what people are wanting to know how to do after Divorce. So it's every chapter is like a snippet of something important. Lots about sex. There's a bunch, several important chapters about sex in there. So, you know, so that's why I wrote it as kind of, you know, a kind of an easy digestible how-to for men who are like, what happened? Am I allowed to curse on here, by the way?

Absolutely. Curse away, my friend.

Perfect. Okay.

We do that often in our world.

Perfect. Okay, great.

Yes. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Good. Good. Good. Good. Um, yeah. So I was about to say, I mean, these men are like, you know, what the fuck happened? And so, um, yeah, a lot of it is like looking back and then a lot of it is moving forward and practical things like how to parent, how to deal with your ex, you know, all this stuff that are just like, they just don't know because they've been married for so long. They met their wives when they were really young. They didn't, you know, you're not taught how to have relationships, how to have successful, meaningful relationships. Right? And so they don't know how, they don't know how to communicate, they don't understand their own love languages, they are self-conscious about asking for things that they need. So, so much of it is like building men's confidence too, and like, this is what I want and this is what I can ask for, and if I find a loving partner, that's all good, they will give that to me, right? And if I show up for them, of course, in that way. So that was the basis I saw in me.

So Is your audience like a lot of my audience, which, you know, if it's a man and he's seeking out information online and he finds you and your book, we're going to assume that that guy is probably more anxious in nature, and specifically with the attachment style, because he's seeking to fix, he's seeking to understand, he's reaching out. And he's the type of guy that probably also during marriage says, "Wife, do you want to listen to this podcast with me? Do you want to watch this YouTube video? I found this Dr. Ilana Hoffman." And and they're married usually to the avoidant gal who says, can we just drop it? Leave me alone, please. Stop it with it. Are these the kind of guys that are coming to you? Is that what you're seeing?

Some are, some are the anxious type, and then some are the avoidant type who, you know, don't understand their own feelings, you know, have a hard time communicating about that, have a hard time showing up for their partner's emotions or overwhelmed by a lot of emotions and kind of shut down and withdraw. And they say they don't need anything and they don't have their own needs, which is not true because by virtue of being a human on this planet, you do. But avoidant people are, I'm fine, it's all good, no worries, I'm independent, I don't ask for help. And people want to be there for their partners. And so when you have someone that doesn't ask for that, isn't aware of what they want, doesn't ask for it, you can't give it to them, they don't feel fulfilled, etc. So it's both. So I do see both. I see a lot of anxious, I tried, I want to, I wanted to go to couples therapy, I wanted to do all this stuff. My wife was already out, you know, by then it's like, it's already too, it's already over, you know, I mean, by that point, I think it's, and many of these couples that come to me, this should have come along, you know, I mean, it's already, it's kind of already done.

This is why couples therapy doesn't always work, you know, especially if you come through, you know, unfortunately, that's what every anxious person doesn't want to hear, you may have to let them go. Sorry. Oh no, that fills them with all kinds of dread. And then, and then, you know, for those of us who have been through the horrible traumatic experience that it is, and then we come out the other side, we're like, yeah, that probably should have ended quite a while ago. We all saw this coming. But usually the anxious people are usually the ones that say, I was the one to hang on and hang on. Or the little metaphor I like to use is bury in like a tick, you into our, like, a parasitic, just leeching from the other person, getting our validation and feelings and sense of self-worth from them. That's why we tend to hang on a little, little too long. And, you know, you brought up a good point there, one of the statements you made. There is this, you know, you hate to speak in, like, absolutes and apply it, you know, paint everyone with a broad brush, but is it safe to say, Doctor, that if I'm still with my spouse, my wife, and I'm getting language from her to something to the effect of, "I have emotionally checked out. I love you, but I'm not really in love with you anymore. I'm sorry. Emotionally, I am disconnected." They usually don't say in such specific terms, but you put two and two together, you're like, "This person has emotionally disconnected from me." As a woman, is it fair to say that 99% of the time you got to let them go, buddy? You've lost them. Or is there hope here is what a lot of guys want to ask.

I mean, most people don't want to get divorced, of course. It's worth a try. But on the other hand, if someone's saying, I'm really not in this, there's too much happened here, I've moved on, I don't really want to go to couples therapy, I'm not planning things with you or for you, I'm worried about my own stuff. Then yeah, it's kind of, at that point, they're not really interested. Vice versa too.

And what a lot of guys, though, they're looking for some kind of magic bullet. There must be something that I'm missing that will just I can turn this around. I can flip a switch and she'll suddenly wake up from the whatever stupor that she happens to be in and she will reconnect with me. And unfortunately, and you don't want to laugh at the guys because you understand it because they're traumatized and hurting, wanting to hang on to a relationship. They will first reach for the very superficial stuff. Perhaps if I lost a bunch of weight, started looking better, started dressing better, then she'll like me. And they do this whole what we call the old pick-me dance in front of the woman, like the little, you know, the South American bird, like, eh, how about now? How about now? How about? It just buries them in a deeper and deeper hole of looking more and more pitiful, basically.

Right, exactly. I mean, ultimately it's a turn-off, right? Because it's just a signal of such insecurity, right? I mean, people are drawn to sort of confident people who are like, you know, all right, I don't— I'm gonna be okay if you— if you don't want this, I'm gonna be— I'm gonna be fine. I don't— I don't need— my self-worth is not wrapped up in, in you or this relationship or this marriage. And if we don't work out, okay, you know, that sort of can flip the thing because that shows the confidence and the security that maybe they didn't have before, right? And that's why I think so much— so many men discover after, after having been left, they are sort of put in a position where they have to develop this confidence and security because their partner left. So they're on their own and they're trying to figure it out. And by doing that by learning more of what they want and what they like and what they are interested in, they get more secure and more confident and then ultimately can attract a partner who is also like that and is drawn to that confidence, security, you know. So that's basically kind of the message.

I just, I did a post here recently and made a little video that there is this predominant thought in the post-divorce dating culture that a lot of the people, men and women both, that are on the dating market, the vast majority are quote broken.

Uh-huh.

It's like, well, that's not necessarily fair. But then when you sit down and think about it, you're like, there may be some science behind that. Because, uh, secure people tend to pair up with somebody and hang on to them for life or for a really long time. And if— because they meet other secure people, so they're off the market for a long period of time. And then you got a lot of your anxious people tend to latch on to somebody pretty quick. And I know a lot of the anxious guys that I meet The first woman that makes goo goo eyes at him, he's fallen in love and he's ready to move in and adopt her 3 children and the whole 9 yards. Those anxious people tend to be off the market and we're left with, is it fair to say, doctor, what do you think? Are we left with a lot of avoidance, a lot of anxious people that haven't been picked yet, so to speak?

I do think that we're left with some avoidance. Some, you know, some avoidance, some anxiety, and some insecure who are looking for other secure— I'm sorry, some secure who are looking for other secure people, you know. But yes, I mean, I do think that anxious men will attach quickly to women post-divorce, but those women also are, you know, are also not securely attached because they go for the people that are really into them right away. And might not be into them for who they are, and because from a secure, confident place, they just know that it's— they're not— these men are not used to being alone. And so, hi, here I am. Okay, so that just perpetuates the cycle of insecure attachment, you know. So like, they might—

something else often hear from men that are— usually the guys don't even wait for the actual divorce to take place before they go dating again, these anxious guys. It will be like immediately, as soon as the wife says we're done, he's like literally days later on Tinder or whatever it is trying to fill fill that void and get more attention and sex. Because often there's a lot of sexless marriages, you know, long term, and they're like, finally, it's my chance to get some. And so they, they go out there and they meet a gal, and they will be 30, 60 days into it dating just her, and he will tell me, I know, Ralph, you said like, cool it with the dating, and but I'm here to tell you there's something really good going on here. She seems to be a good, all-around awesome human being. I think I just got lucky here. And I say, well, here's the deal, dude. Oh, and there's no red flags. He will say red flags is the term we use for warning signs that things are about to go south. There's no red flags here, Ralph. Well, there is a red flag that you're ignoring, which is you went to this woman and said, I'm not yet divorced. Yeah, my wife as of days ago just told me she wants to leave. Here I am very quickly on the dating market, and you told her all this, right? Yeah. And, and she was cool with that? Yeah, because she's going through the same thing. And you know, it's like, oh Christ, it's not gonna go well. Yeah, because a secure person would say, whoa, time out, buddy. It was nice meeting you, maybe we'll have coffee or whatever, but as far as dating and all that, you ain't ready, pal, you know.

So best of luck to you, right? Maybe I'll see you again on Tinder in a few years.

There you go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's so true, it's so true, right? The red flag is that it was fine with her, that she thought, oh, this person is ready, right? You can't be. The irony is you have to date and have sex to learn what you want and to get that confidence back. Because I think the advice to slow down, take it easy, is good advice. And I tell the same to my clients. But with doing that, you can't really learn about yourself and what you're looking for if you don't have those experiences. So like, it's sort of a catch-22, right? Like, you're not in a healthy spot to date, and yet you have to date to be healthy in some ways, you know. So that's why I think it's so important to just be honest with like where you are at and what you're looking for in that moment of like this dating, you know, separated, not divorced yet. It's like, you're looking to date, to have a good time, to like connect with someone, casual, and just like be really upfront. Because there are women that are also looking for casual things. Like, not every woman is looking for a serious relationship. So like, if you find that fit, you're looking for the same things, that's great. But if you were leading someone on, then— and if you think yourself that you are in a place for a new relationship, then like, you just have not done the kind of introspection that you need to, to realize like, actually, I'm not ready for this. I'm still in mediation. I'm still fighting with my ex. I still have these, you know, we still, we still argue. And, you know, to recognize, like, I'm not in a place to, to do that and to be a good partner to someone, you know. And so, but I totally understand the impetus, of course. Like, especially with the Sexless Marriage, like, of course you want to get out there. Yeah, and that's what, that's what builds confidence. Like, all these men realize, like, hey, people actually want me. Like, I'm not just, like, this gross person that my wife kind of made me feel like whenever I, like, asked for sex, you know.

I mean, there is the saying of— I don't know if you've heard it before— how to get over a woman is to get under 10 more. You know, there's a grain of truth to it, which is you build up the confidence like you mentioned, like, oh wow, I'm a sexual creature that other people find attractive enough to do the deed with. Who knew? And you stand a little taller. But, you know, I gotta tell you, if you're a guy who's days out of a horrible marriage and you're Mr. Anxious trying to fill a void, no pun intended, and you're out there and you're getting under 10 women, it's probably 10 women that are not the best relationship candidates. Just like you, they don't have it going on up here, and I don't know if you want to bring those type of people into your world, especially if you're a parent and, you know, all that good stuff. So be careful, guys, is what I'm trying to say.