A caller's wife left him and entered what the speaker calls the "hoe phase"—heightened sexual behavior after divorce. The speaker advises focusing on being a stable presence for their three kids through routines and consistency, not trying to control the ex's private life unless the children's safety is at risk. He notes this phase can last years but eventually subsides.
Chapters
Hmm, after my wife left— yes, we had a dead bedroom, mostly her— she has entered the hoe phase. Let's define that for our more innocent, wholesome people out there. She's sexually promiscuous, way more so than when she was married to Mr. David here. I find it insulting to me and disrespectful to our 3 young children. She is acting like a 20-year-old. And neglecting our kids in the form of spending her, quote, her nights with the kids by leaving them at her parents or hiring a sitter to sleep over. How many of us have seen this? Is this normal for a 40-year-old? Not normal is a subjective term. It's not unheard of, but it's not healthy. How long does it last in your knowledge? Um, guess who went through this? Me. Um, this is eerily similar. My wife wasn't quite— ex-wife, pardon me— wasn't quite 40 at the time. But whether it's hoe phase or whether it's just kind of a regressive young teenager kind of rebellious behavior, whatever it is, they're going through something. And unfortunately, they're potentially hurting a lot of people in their wake. The only remedy for this is to be the Um, oh, strong, stoic, um, dependable. That's the term I'm looking for. Parent in all this, um, kids are going to go through a lot. You got 3 of them, you say, and, uh, they need to know that they can depend on Dad to be, um, Mr. Dependable, Mr. Predictable. I've talked about, uh, with my young kiddos, we had a period there where it was Taco Tuesday every Tuesday, and if we skipped a Tuesday There was all hell to pay. They, um, the kids love their routine, so they need to know when they come to Dad's, they need to know what to expect— rules, traditions, and everything else. When they go to Mom's, there's nothing you can do, buddy, unless what she's doing is detrimental to their health and their well-being. Then you can step in for sure and say, this is no bueno, I'm going to get the law involved, an attorney, police, whatever it may be. But if, you know, if they're being taken care of, whether it's by Grandma or by aunts, uncles, babysitters, whatever, there's not really much you can do here legally or otherwise. And, um, but he didn't really ask that, I just threw that in there. Um, but she entered her ho phase and you find it insulting to you. Don't. It's not insulting to you, certainly not insulting to the kids. It's, dare I say, human nature. Um, the setting aside the kids and acting all whatever and everything else, it's— she's taking it too far. But it is by no means unusual to see a person leave a long-term monogamous marriage and then blossom. That's too positive of a word. Change, morph into a different person. Men do the same shit, dude. You know, we got the guy who was so frumpy and so whatever, and that he divorces the wife, and next thing you know, the guy loses a ton of weight, and you're like, Frank, is that you? I didn't recognize you. And you're like, well, you got a new sports car, huh? Wow, you got a tattoo, huh? Dude, we've, we've seen all this, right? We're not immune to this. And then with our ladies in our life that we see, same thing. We're like, wow, you look 10 years younger. New nose ring, huh? New tattoo, huh? Breast implants, eh? Yeah, we saw that coming. And in addition to that, they can be very sexually active, and the ex-men that they left behind are like, what the fuck? Where was this energy when we were married? We're going in circles here. We've talked about this already ad nauseam. It's, uh, Pretty common thing that, uh, being hitched to one person long term cranks that knob down for many of us, dare I say most of us. And a quick, surefire way of cranking that knob back up again is go get you some on the side, or leave said marriage and go to somebody else. Um, just how we're wired. And it's not the nicest thing in the world, but it's certainly not unheard of, my man. I'm sorry you're going through that. I'm sorry you It's one thing, she could have a responsible hoe phase, if you will, which is, this is my kid time, this is the kid time with the kiddos, no dating, no none of that, whatever. I'm here for the kids, I'm making sure that everything's taken care of, make sure they got their mom, make sure they've, especially post-divorce, that they feel safe and secure and everything else. And now that they're at dad's, you know, it's fun time. As long as, you know, I'll be there for the soccer game, I'll be there for this other event, Oh, I need to take kid to the doctor. Well, let me cancel date and take kid to the doctor. That's what you would expect, right? And then they can have their own little private life to do whatever it is they want to do, sexy or otherwise. And who are we to say you're not her dude anymore? You have no say over that and vice versa. So let her do her thing. But often it mixes in with a lot of who the hell is this woman kind of behavior and just leaves us scratching our head. How long does it take to get over it? I don't know if there's a standard template here. With my ex, it was a few years. And then she kind of snapped out of it and back to her old self again, if you will.
