In this YouTube advice video, host Ralph Brewer reads a "Dear DSO" letter from a man named Thomas who reports that his wife has told him she wants sex, but not with him. Thomas describes a 12‑year marriage with two young children, a recent personal transformation after reading a self‑help book (increased gym activity, improved confidence), and ongoing frustration because his wife only initiates sex about once a month, often around ovulation, and makes comments suggesting she is worried he might leave or become too confident. Thomas wonders whether he has moved too quickly, whether his wife’s lack of interest is rooted in their strict religious community (which discourages divorce except for infidelity), or whether other factors such as anxiety, hormonal changes, parenting stress, or family background are at play. Brewer analyzes the situation, suggesting that the wife’s statements may stem from a safety‑net dynamic provided by the religious community, fear of economic insecurity, or possible mental‑health issues (depression, perimenopause, stress). He emphasizes that the husband’s anxiety and attachment style are likely contributing to his perception of the problem. The host recommends professional therapy, personal anxiety work, and, if desired, paid coaching through his Help for Men Brotherhood, highlighting resources such as 800+ hours of audio content, a private forum, and live Zoom meetings. The overall message is that while there may be a slim chance of reconciliation, the husband should first address his own anxiety, seek counseling, and consider whether the marriage is sustainable under the current constraints.
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All right, we got a new Dear DSO entry on the website, and you can submit your own story to dadstartingover.com/dear-dso, and if it's a good one, I will create a video and share it with the whole world here. And this one comes from Thomas, and the subject line is "Wife Not Worried About Being Left." He says, several months ago, I read The Dead Bedroom Fix after having, quote, the talk with my wife. And realizing that we're not going to get any better. She made a statement that she wants to have sex, but just not with me. Let that sink in for a moment. Uh, and that she doesn't think sex is a needed part of a marriage. We have been married for 12 years with 2 kids, ages 4 and 7. When they were born, everything changed as expected. But I didn't really see why until the book. After reading the book, I made some big changes. I was essentially doing all the wrong things, so I did a full turnaround. I turned up my gym activity too, and I feel and look great. However, our sex life hasn't really improved much. She has initiated it a few times, and afterwards she commented on she wanted to do that because she is worried that I'm getting too good for her. She even said she is worried about my new sense of confidence in bed and that I might go look elsewhere. Despite these comments, she is still only interested in sex once a month, if that. Probably around ovulation time, I'm guessing. I know I still have work to do, but have I gone too far too fast? She also makes comments that I remind her of when we first met. But then negative ones that I remind her of her father, who she doesn't like. Is this just a matter of staying the course and it just takes time? Or has she made up her mind that sex isn't important to her in our marriage and nothing will change that? On top of it all, we came from— we come from a strong religious community where divorce is off the table unless cheated on. I am starting to wonder if she feels comfortable due to that safety net of me not leaving or threatening to leave. And so she has no desire to improve or try with me. What's a good one? This one's just full of all kinds of stuff, isn't it? But it's a difficult one. It's a complicated one. None of these stories are so simple. Let's start with the beginning. She just comes to you and says, yeah, I want sex, just not with you. Dude, what? Why would she say something so hurtful? I mean, okay, she's telling the truth. There's a case to be made, like, good for her for letting it out there, right? But it's hurtful. It's mean. And then she follows that up to say, and by the way, um, what you want, that sex thing, the thing that I want, just not with you. Well, that sex thing is not important within marriage. This probably goes back to some of that religious thing you mentioned. You're in a strict religious group. To a lot of your more orthodox types, the sex thing is kind of an obedient task to create children, and once done, that's, you know, not really on the table anymore. It's not on the menu. Ask anybody who runs any kind of sex work business. There are a lot of men from orthodox religions that pay them a visit. Yes, seriously. So basically, your wife dumped you. Let's just put that out there, right? I don't want you anymore. And then she really, you know, shoved the knife in a little bit further by saying, oh, I still want it, just not with you. And then shove the knife in further by, oh, and that's not really an important thing within a marriage. Sorry. And then you improve. It sounds like you did the shallow improvements, if you will, for lack of a better word, of the look, the physicality, getting in shape and so forth. Good for you. Help with your confidence and all that good stuff. And then she, in a very overt way, It's almost like she's kind of— this sounds insulting, but almost autistic in a way. It's, you know, just very like robotic. "I still want it, just not with you." "I don't think that's important." "All right, I'll have sex with you, but solely because I'm worried you're going to leave me if I don't." That's very like, "What the hell's wrong with this woman?" kind of talk, you know? So question is, what is wrong with her? What's going on with her? Is her mom like this? Is her extended family like this? Is this a cultural thing? Is she very strict and very involved in the church? I say the church, I assume that's, you know, the proper term to use here. I don't know your religion. Your question is, did I go too far too fast? Is there hope here? What are we gonna do? Is this just a matter— you, my friend, are a very anxious dude. Welcome to the club. That's the majority of guys who reach out to me. I categorize as very anxious, very hang on no matter what, you know, chase and chase, and they try to morph themselves and change themselves to appease a woman who very obviously checked out. Broke up with you. She basically told you no in certain terms. I'm done with you, dude. That part of her life is over. And you're like, oh yeah, well, what about this? And she's like, ugh, all right, you know, and I'll do it if it means keeping you around, I guess. Because I assume she doesn't work. I assume you're the— I'm making a lot of assumptions here. Usually that goes with the strict Orthodox religion thing, is often in that world, it's the woman does not work. She stays home with the children. The man works, right? So she has every reason in the world to keep that family machine running. What's life look like for her if you suddenly disappeared? You know, uh, probably not good. Maybe there's insurance and stuff involved, like if you passed away or something, but if you just said, I'm out of here, bye, and the church gives you the blessing to divorce and all that other stuff, um, like what would happen to her? Probably not good. Probably kind of scary. Hence why she's nervous and wanting to keep you around. That nervousness that anxiety over you may possibly leave, none of that is based on her undying love and devotion to you. It's based upon the safety of her and the family unit and the kids. That's all she's thinking about, dude. Now, some people may say, well, that's, that's a good starting point for rebuilding the connection between the two of you. Possibly. What are the chances of that? I don't know, percentage-wise, 5% chance. I don't know. It's very, very low. But based on what you're telling me here, she dumped you, she's pushed away from you, the strict religious thing, all this other stuff. Yeah, it's And you're trying to make this point of, does she have the safety net, this bubble around her which prevents her from putting in the work necessary to reconnect with you? So are you saying then, Mr.— I already forgot your name— Thomas, are you saying, um, if I remove that safety net, if suddenly the church says you can divorce this woman are you going to see then genuine physical desire for you suddenly erupt and come out of nowhere? No, you're going to see a woman who is further anxious and tied to you, like economically or whatever. In other words, the best case scenario that you have outlined here is one of, if the more I make her need me, if I remove the safety net of no divorce, if I remove this safety net, then she will need me more, and she's more apt to stay, and she's more apt to work on herself and our marriage. That's certainly one way to look at it. But none of that, Mr. Anxious, is going to get you what you want, which is a wife again who loves and adores you. Is there a chance here? Of course there's a chance. Go to therapy, Talk to somebody about this. Maybe there's other stuff going on under the hood that you're not aware of with the wife. Maybe it's a matter of, you know, depression. Maybe it's a matter of perimenopause. Maybe all kinds of things that can make, you know, person flip a switch in their mind and morph into something that is not so pleasant. And I can't tell you how many men have a woman that goes through menopause and he's like, I don't know this person anymore. She's abandoned me, she's abandoned the children, she's abandoned everyone, she's walked away, she's lost her marbles. Her mother did the same thing. That's pretty common. So who knows where your wife falls in that spectrum of dysfunction, if you will, of in her life, what's going on with her. You have two kids now, 4 and 7, that's very, very stressful. That can send some people over the edge. That can cause some people to split emotionally with their spouse and go off and do their own thing and all kinds of craziness. Now, you being tied to your religion, you can still divorce, dude. You can go to the law and say, hey courtroom, I want to file for divorce, please. But your point is that your religious group may see that and say, that's a no-no, dude, you can't do that. And you can't do that and stay within our church. I'm not telling you to leave your church, but I'm telling you technically you don't have to stay. Now, you may be, you may be excommunicated from your group, that's another thing, but technically, if worse comes to worst, yes, you, you can leave, dude. So is she up for getting help, talking to somebody, uncovering potentially something within her, something about you, something about whatever you two as a group, something about the family unit that causes her to turn into this, basically this monster? Or is this who she always is? This is who her mother is, this is who her grandmother is, grandpa, dad. That's just kind of who she came from and she sees no problem with that. Is she cool with this, uh, this type of lifestyle going forward? This celibate lifestyle, at least with you coming from a strict religious background, you would think that there's the chances of adultery, affairs outside of the relationship would be minimized. From what I've heard, not necessarily. A lot of people from a lot of high-ranking people in Orthodox groups, religious groups, have been caught with their hand in the cookie jar doing not so Good stuff happens all the time. And I'm not trying to plant, you know, anxious, anxiety-producing thoughts. I'm not trying to stoke the flame of anxiety within you to make you feel even more anxious about your situation. But you need to get to the bottom of what's going on here. It may be as simple as she checked out. She's always felt this way. She just feels, for whatever reason, more free to express it. Could be something acutely going on with her. Physically, mentally, hormonally, whatever it may be. Is she willing to work on it? Are you willing to work on it? Do you have the patience to do so? But you, my friend, need to work on your anxiety, your anxious attachment to this person. I recommend go talk to a therapist. I am not a licensed therapist or a mental health practitioner in any way, shape, or form. I offer what's called coaching or basically mentorship. If you want to pay me for my time and talk to me as you're going through this, you can certainly do so. Go to help4men.com, go to coaching in the menu, Go to helpformen.com/coaching and you'll see myself as well as 6 other gentlemen in the group that provide coaching services to people. You can certainly join our men's group. We have a community of men from around the world. Many of them are in your position, my friend, and they've been there and done that. Some of them have turned it around. Some of them have moved on in life without their partner and everything in between. And so check that out. We call that group the HFM or Help for Men Brotherhood. The Brotherhood. You can learn more at help4men.com. We would love to have you. If you join, then the coaching, the mentorship that I talked about is a lot cheaper, along with a bunch of other resources like 800+ hours of audio content and a private forum and live Zoom meetings for pennies a day, basically. So check it out, help4men.com. Look forward to hearing from you, and, uh, thank you for the, um, excellent and thought-provoking message. Best luck to you.
