"Your Book Doesn’t Work" – A Reader Calls Me Out

All right, folks, we have a new Dear DSO entry on the website, and you can submit your own story or question to deardso.com. That's deardso.com. Fill out the form, and if your question or your submission is a good one, I will create a video out of it for the whole world to see. Or hello, podcast listeners, for my podcast listeners to listen to on the Dad Starting Over podcast. Do a search for Dad Starting Over wherever you listen to your podcasts on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, wherever. And you will find me. And also, before I get started here, if you are watching this on YouTube, that is something I'm trying like heck to grow and get my audience and my subscribers to go up. I have a good number of subscribers on there now, but it's been pretty stagnant for a while. If you could do me a big favor, if you could like, subscribe, even better yet, leave a comment on a video, that would help me out tremendously. Thank you so very much. On to today's question, and this is an interesting one because this isn't necessarily story or a question, but a criticism of yours truly. I'm not one to run from criticism. We can all learn when people say, here's what I don't like about you. Um, and what he has here, what he says here has some validity to it, but of course I'm gonna push back a little bit. And, um, thank you, Tom, for reaching out. Tom says, uh, your book is BS. The book he's referring to is The Dead Bedroom Fix. Go to deadbedroomfix.com. And learn about my best-selling book. I've written 4 books total. The Dead Bedroom Fix outsells all the rest of them combined and then some. My most popular book by a long shot. Most popular thing I've ever done by a long shot, period. I wrote the original in 2017, the second edition in 2020, and now the third edition just came out last year in 2024. You can download it directly from our website at deadbedroomfix.com or buy it on any of the major retailers, Amazon, Apple Books, Barnes Noble, and on and on. If you're a Spotify Premium member, you can listen to the audiobook version of The Dead Bedroom Fix. Moving on, he says, your book is BS. Okay. He says, I think your book doesn't solve any issues after the fact that the wife decides to stop being emotionally and physically intimate. He says, like me, if a man has needed to read your book, most likely your marriage is already doomed, he says. Don't get me wrong, your book is great. Well, thank you, Tom, appreciate that. It's the way you have marketed your book. This book should be marketed to those who are about to or just got married, uh, this to start the marriage on the right foot. For me, after 15 years of marriage, kids, mortgage, and all the baggage that comes with marriage, any other significant changes in me will not change a woman's mind about me or you. That is the honest truth. She'll just think that it will all be short-lived for the purpose of getting some, he says. Interesting. Maybe I am frustrated and beyond, uh, and resentful beyond belief with my situation. God knows I have tried everything with my wife. 10 years of little to no sex. That's an important piece of info here. But there is no going back after you lose your wife's trust. Interesting. Um, and I have never been unfaithful to my wife. Well, that's good. But over the years, she has shut it all down. I wish I could just start all over again with the knowledge and experience that I have gained. Well, I mean, this is kind of like a backhanded compliment, if you will. Um, he's saying some good stuff about the book. Thank you, Tom, I appreciate it. And thank you for reaching out. And like I said, I do enjoy the criticism and enjoy— I do appreciate the criticism. Um, Good fuel for discussion here. So in essence, what you're saying is you saw the book and you said, here it is, here's the thing to fix my, I mean, let's be honest here, Tom, pretty freaking broken marriage. 10 years of nothing, my friend. Oof, not good. And it sounds like you got the kids, 15 years of marriage, kids. Let me guess that the 10-year mark, that probably coincides with when you guys had children. And you read this book and you're like, oh, thank God, this is the thing that will turn this around again, no bueno, didn't work. What you don't give is how long you gave it, what kind of effort you did put into it. Um, this is somewhat similar to the phenomenon I have of men that reach out to me saying your book is all about getting in shape, for example. And I'm like, no, it's not. That's just like one part of the book, one part of many parts of the book that talk about, hey, it's important how you look, take care of yourself, your health, and so forth. Some of you guys let yourself go, and that signals to your wife that you just don't care about you two as a couple. You don't care about yourself, so why should she respect you? And on and Well, some men read that, close the book, put it down, and email me saying, you're an asshole. And I'm like, I— okay, why? Well, because you are basically saying it's all my fault just because I as man gained 100 pounds, just because I as man stopped going to the gym and stopped taking care of myself, stopped dressing well. Dude, you're just saying it's all on me. That's not fair. It's like, well, you know, there are other parts to the book, more chapters after that one, but they don't care. I hurt their feelings, basically. What the guys are hoping for is a magic bullet, something in essence that he can use and point across the table at the woman and say, it's your fault, do this, damn it. And when he opens a book and the first of many steps in it is, hey, maybe you should get your ass in shape, he's just like, not what I wanted. Yet another thing pointing the finger at me saying I am to blame as man. Go to hell, Ralph Brewer. I get it. But it's not going to get you anywhere with this mindset, is it? Yours is somewhat similar here. You have an admittedly very broken relationship, and you were hoping for a magic bullet from the book to turn things around, probably turn things around quickly, if we're being honest, right, Tom? But what you got is a book that basically tells you— it gives you the blueprint for how to be a less anxious, agreeable, and yes, unattractive, quote, Mr. Nice Guy type of dude, and how to cultivate an environment within yourself, a mindset within yourself, and an environment within the relationship to make things more secure, which will in turn result in potentially more sexy time with wife. Now, Tom, here's the deal, buddy. There are men, lots of them actually, who read this book and had a wife who was seemingly very avoidant and very like, get the hell away from me. They put the work into the book and they watched the wife slowly but surely— that's the key, slowly but surely— come more to center and come over to the secure side as he comes over to the secure side. It's almost as if he's grabbing her by the hand saying, let's go over here with the secure people, not these insecure people. Like, we've been hanging out over here for a long time, let's go over to the other team. Come with me. And she goes, okay, and she begrudgingly joins him. And it takes a while, and you've alluded to this in your message, it takes a while to earn the, quote, trust, if you will, of your partner. It ain't an instantaneous thing. And the trust of your partner to show like, look, I am secure in who I am. I am a dude that you can trust. I am an attractive dude. I know I've been showing you for so many years, an unattractive dude, an insecure dude, a dude who you know, keeps driving you away with my neediness and my insecurity and my fill in the blank, whatever it may be. But I'm not that guy anymore. I'm Dude 2.0, Husband 2.0. Watch. It's not— she's not just going to go, oh good, phew, great, I'll completely flip and become a horn dog. No, it's, let me sit back and watch you, make sure this is for real. Some guys cannot endure that waiting period. They're like 30, 60 days into it and they're like, the chick ain't coming along for the ride, F her, goodbye, I'm going to go bang my secretary. Whatever. That happens not often, but it happens. But sometimes, as you have said here in your message, Mr. Tom, it don't work. She don't ever come around. She— when you go to reach and say, come with me, let's go, and take her by the hand, she pulls the hand back, says, I ain't going nowhere, dude. I'm, I'm plenty comfy right here where I am. Sometimes for those women, it's not until you slide the divorce papers across the table and say, I've done all I can, here you go, let's just go, you know, amicably split split and go our separate ways. It's sometimes that the women go, whoa, timeout, okay, now I'm ready to put in the work. Um, sometimes that's too late, or sometimes the women say, eh, cool, where do I sign? Because as you say, Tom, she has completely detached. She detached years ago, and there ain't nothing you can do to fix this. In fact, I addressed that in the book. I addressed your situation here in the book. I don't know if you didn't get to that part, if you threw down, threw down the book in disgust or whatever it may be, but, um, I talk exactly about this in the book in Chapter 7. Um, that in fact, I believe the chapter is titled, um, I'm Not Going to Bullshit You, This May Not Work. Uh, but what the book does, like many books, like No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover and other books, what they do is it shines a light on something. You got some problems up here within yourself, much of it no, um, fault of your own. You were raised a certain way as a kid, you had certain examples how to go through life and all that good stuff, and it led you to where you are now. And you're learning so many years after the fact, or decades after the fact, like, oh shit, I got work I need to do. That's the healthy way of looking at this, to say, oh, I got some work I need to do, versus this book sucks, I'm tired of it, my marriage is horseshit, and all marriage is awful, and throw the book down, throw it in the trash, and storm off and go move to a cabin in the woods somewhere. That's certainly an option, but arguably not the most healthy thing in the world. Or you could say, what's going on with me? Why did I attract this woman so many years ago? And why did I stick out the— Tom, this is important. Why did I stick it out with a woman for 10 years in a sexless relationship? Why didn't I, like, let's say 9 or no, 0.5 years into it, let's say 6 months after the birth of a child, I assume, and all this other stuff, why didn't you go, wife, Oof, this ain't healthy between you and I. There's no anything anymore. We're just parents and we don't talk, hold hands, touch, cuddle. We certainly don't have sex. We don't do anything. We need to get back to us again in order to maintain us and be a good example for our kids on how people, you know, can live long, healthy, romantic lives. Didn't have that conversation, did you? No offense, but it ain't my fucking fault. That's all on you, brother. But in your defense, you may not have had the tools in your mental toolbox. You didn't know to do all that. But now you do, after the fact. That's what you're alluding to here. You wish you had the book way back then. Well, we can't get in a time machine. They don't exist, at least not yet. That's kind of a time travel paradox there, isn't it? All we can focus on is the now and what you can do moving forward in life. Can't go back. What could you do moving forward? And this may— hopefully my book may be the thing, or one of the things, because if you're like most guys, you probably went on and read several other books and watched many YouTube videos and podcasts and all this other stuff. But all these things combined may be the wake-up call for you. Tom, what you've done for the past decade plus ain't working, buddy. It's time to do something else. Because whether it's with her or with the next gal— and yes, if you leave, there will be a next gal, there usually is— you're going to do this stuff all over again. I've seen it a million times, my friend. Foundationally, you have some problems. It doesn't matter what kind of structure you build on top of that foundation. That foundation is still there, and the building's going to crumble, you know, and, uh, because the— that foundation is not enough to support a healthy relationship. You need to work on your foundation, my friend. May I suggest, after you've already purchased the book and you're already pissed at me, but here's something else for you. Whether it's our group or any other group, fraternal organization, or whatever, You need to surround yourself with like-minded men who want to get better. I mean, you picked up the book, so there is a kernel of, of you in there that wants to do better, wants to get better, and wants to become a more healthy version of Tom. So hold on to that and find other guys in the same boat, like with our group. Go to help4men.com and click on Brotherhood in the menu, or go directly to help4men.com/join and learn all about the Brotherhood. Our support community for men. We have lots of cool benefits. You could have got this book, The Dead Bedroom Fix, at no cost, in addition to all my other books in PDF, audiobook format, as well as discussion forums that are extremely active, as well as live Zoom meetings, of which we have anywhere from 6 to 8 live Zoom meetings every single week. They're each an hour plus. We record them all and you can listen back to them. We have, I think, over 1,200 hours of recorded meetings at this point.. And so if you're a guy that likes audio, you're never gonna run out of stuff to listen to within the HFM Brotherhood. Again, learn more, helpformen.com, or go to helpformen.com/join. And we would love to have you, my friend. A lot of stuff to talk about, a lot of stuff to work through here. Maybe go see a therapist and work on what we call codependency. Uh, maybe check out Dr. Glover's book if you haven't yet, No More Mr. Nice Guy, which is a book about codependency for men. All right, brother, I wish you all the best. Thank you so much for reaching out. I do appreciate it.