09 - Conflicts and Agreements

Conflict around money. It can really mess us up, and it adds a huge amount of stress around the subject. When I grew up, and we've had several people write in about this too, one of my earliest memories is being behind the couch with my sister crying while my parents screamed at each other about money. And that created a feeling like I shouldn't have money, first of all, because if I have money, then we're going to argue about it. But we really. They were arguing about lack of money. And it also created a place where I thought you had to argue about.

Money, but that's what you did.

That's what two people in relationship did.

If you have a tug of war rope, that's what it's there for, right?

Yeah. You must tug of war.

Who's gonna win? Who's gonna get there More of the share of the rope.

Exactly. And it was a power struggle. It was, who gets to spend a little bit of extra money they had? Who has the right to decide things, what. And my first couple relationships, I had, I duplicated it beautifully, subconsciously. And they probably had their own money issues that they brought in. So we want to do some work with that, kind of releasing that pattern and also giving you a really powerful, surprisingly simple way to upgrade that. It's not necessarily easy, but it's a little. It's so. It's so simple. So take a nice deep breath. Think back to how your parents handled money together. So we've dealt with mom, we've dealt with dad. Think about how they handled it together. And if you were in a non traditional. If you had two moms, two dads, or one mom, one dad, whatever it was, realize there was still a conflict. There was still some kind of struggle with them and their parents or whatever it was. Yeah. So tune into the conflict around money and see what you notice. Did your parents yell and scream? Did they do the silent treatment? Did they do the cold shoulder? What was the attitude? How did they. Did they sit down calmly and lovingly holding each other's hand as they filled out the balance, the checkbook, at the end of the month? I don't know many peoples who did that. So take a nice deep breath and let's do a little bit of tapping on that karate. Even though there was a lot of conflict around money.

Even though there was a lot of conflict around money.

And I thought that's what it was.

And I thought that's what it was.

Aren't you supposed to argue about money?

Aren't you supposed to argue about money.

And see who has the upper hand.

And see who has the upper hand.

And maybe you could blame the other person too.

And maybe you can blame the other person too.

I work so hard.

I work so hard.

And you spent that money on xyz.

And you spent that money on xyz.

You're a bad person.

You're a bad person.

I get to control money this month.

I get to control money this month.

I thought that's what it was.

I thought that's what it was.

But maybe it can be different.

Maybe it can be different.

What if we can handle money together?

What if we can handle money together?

What if we can have plenty of.

Money what if we can have plenty.

Of money and still not argue about.

It and still not argue competitively about it?

Top of the head. Aren't you supposed to fight aren't you.

Supposed to fight viciously about money?

Eyebrow. It's a cage fight.

It's a cage fight.

Side of the eye. There's only a little bit there's only.

A little bit under the eye.

And the person who wins gets it.

And the person who wins gets it.

Under the nose. That's what I thought.

That's what I thought.

Chin. But I'd really like a different way.

But I'd really like a different way.

Collarbone. If money is my friend, if money's my friend. Under the arm. And there's enough of it.

And there's enough of it.

Top of the head. What if we can do things differently?

What if we can do things differently?

What if we can respect and care.

About each other what if we can respect and care about each other and.

Come to a common agreement?

And come to a common agreement?

Nice deep breath. Now. That's the simple thing. If you first release some of the stress around conflict and then you do this really novel thing that most humans don't when they're in relationships, sit down and talk with your partner about what your agreements are. We all come into relationships with expectations around money. I expect if we're in an imaginary marriage or relationship, I expect him to not spend money over $500 without talking to me. If he does, I'm going to be really mad. But I've never told him that. He's just supposed to know. But in his family, the guy got to spend whatever money he wanted to on stuff. But he doesn't even really think about that rule. It just is, so he doesn't tell me. So we're arguing about things. When you can start communicating and having a verbal agreement about things or a written agreement we have a written agreement for our business. We do, and it's beautiful. And we modify it as we need to. But when it's a verbal or written agreement, something that is spoken and articulated and conscious, then we can say, you spent more than $500. Why didn't you ask me? And he can say, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Let's clean this up. We'll either return the product or, you know, I apologize. We figured out a way to clean that up. It's not that no one will ever make a mistake, but he doesn't feel like I'm getting mad at him for no reason, and I don't feel like he's not respecting me. It's that we've agreed to it. And around money, especially if you're sharing a home and income, it's really, really important to do that. But it's. And it's really hard sometimes to talk about money. If we didn't grow up in a family that did that, would you be willing to lead some tapping on that?

Great job. Even though. Even though there are conflicting rules here.

There are conflicting rules here.

And many of them are unspoken.

And many of them are unspoken.

And I got the sense that my mother and father didn't even know what rules they were operating by.

I got the sense that my mother and father didn't even know what rules they were operating by.

There was just lots of conflict.

There was just lots of conflict.

I deeply and completely accept this conflict.

I deeply and completely accept this conflict.

As having had a big impact on me.

As having had a deep impact on me.

Oh, I love conflict.

I love conflict.

No, I don't.

No, I don't.

So, yeah, I hate conflict.

I hate conflict.

Yeah. Anything to stay away from conflict.

Anything to stay away from conflict.

And money means conflict.

And money means conflict.

Money means conflict.

Money means conflict.

It's Money means conflict.

Money means conflict.

Does it have to?

Does it have to?

Top of the head? It did in my house.

It did in my house.

Eyebrow? It does in certain places.

It does in certain places.

But they don't have clear agreements.

They don't have clear agreements under the eye.

There isn't safety and respect around money.

There isn't safety and respect around money.

They don't even know exactly where they conflict.

They don't even know exactly where they conflict.

Chen I want to live differently.

I want to live differently.

I intend to have a new relationship with money.

I intend to have a new relationship.

With money, including with my partners.

Including with my partners.

And that means learning how to have some difficult conversations.

And that means learning how to have some difficult conversations.

But that's a skill that some people have that I can learn.

That's a skill that some people have that I can learn.

Deep breath.

We'll put the link below the video with for the difficult conversation formula. Our friend Reid Michalko wrote it. And it's a really beautiful way to talk about things.

And I know from reading what so many of you have written to us that sometimes there are irreconcilable differences around rules. And sometimes those irreconcilable differences mean that you can't be in relationship. And sometimes they mean that, well, it just is what it is. So, for example, let's say that you would really like it if your partner, before they spent more than $500, would consult with you and look at the priorities and your partner says, no, I am going to spend money in a way that feels right to me. You can feel that there's not an alignment there. How would you suggest that people handle that if there's not an alignment, if there are aspects that they just don't agree on?

That's such a great topic. It's so important. So first of all, it's really important to know actually where you are. When there's a lot of conflict around money and we have a lot of guilt and shame around money, we don't actually sit in reality. We actually don't know how much money we have or how much our bills are going to be. We just kind of live in a fantasy of either it'll be okay somehow or worry, but we don't actually sit down and look, we have this much money coming in right now. That can change. But right now we are here and right now this is what our bills are. And we don't have an idea of what actually is, so we can't have an articulate conversation about it. And two, when we're in a relationship or even if we're not having an intention around money, what is it do we want that we want for our life out of money? And it's important to have that intention around a relationship and our life anyway. What is it that we want to create? My intention is that I want to reach and touch as many people as I can to help make a difference so nobody has to live struggling the way my parents did. The way we grew up as kids, scared and worried all the time. And I think tapping is such a beautiful way to do that. And I love so much that Rick has A very similar mission and that we can co create that together. So that's my intention around money. That means that I'm very willing to say I'm not going on a beach vacation. I'm going to spend that money on a course that will help me reach more people. So I have a very clear intention on my money. I also want to know that when I'm older, I won't have to reuse my tea bags. I want to know that I'll be comfortable. I don't intend to retire, but if should my future self decide that that's right for her, I want the abundance to be there for her and I can do things now to help her. So if you sit down and this is something else Reid recommends for relationships in general, write down your intention for your life and your relationship and for the focus of this course, write it around money. What is it that you particularly want money to create in your world? Have your partner write that down as well and then sit down together and see where you Venn diagram where the overlap is good. And there may not be complete overlaps.

Right. That virtually never is between two people.

And the really nice thing you can do is say, oh, okay, we overlap here and here.

That's right.

And some people will even open up different bank accounts. We're going to put our overlap is 80%. We're going to put 80% of our income into this join account, and that's going to take care of that. And we're going to put 20% each of you know, however you divide it, it can be equal or it can be 20% of each of your income into your separate accounts where you get to support your dream and your goal. There's different ways to work it out. But until you have an intention, until you know what is real right now and where you want to go, you're really going to have a hard time with this and there will be incredible conflict and you're not gonna be able to use money the way you want. If you think of money as a horse that you're trying to ride somewhere really powerful can get you there much faster. A lot more pleasant than walking. Yeah. But if you're giving it conflicting directions all the time, it's gonna spin in circles or buck you off or bolt. Yes.

And when a horse bolts, it's not a pretty thing. It's different from a gallop. A bolt is you're on for the ride and it may end up with you being tossed into the top of the bar as they enter. So that's perfect because it says intentions are what create some energy that allow us to find where our agreements are and then for us to be curious and engaged in ways that allow us to set something that is more harmonious and peaceful.

Yeah.

I believe that one of the conflicts that happens is where people won't look at what is. And they feel that the only solution is the magical one. Right. That $10 million will just show up magically. And there's a lot.

I'm not even gonna buy a lottery ticket.

I'm not even gonna buy a lottery ticket. It's just gonna. Because I. Because I am. They've gotten to a place where they feel, like, congruent, perhaps with receiving that kind of abundance, but they're not really looking because there's pain, I think, about where they actually are. One of the challenges with conflicts in relationships is that you may have to look at the fact that you can't have an honest conversation around money yet that's not a bad thing for you to acknowledge. It may be uncomfortable, but I know that there are nonviolent ways to talk, even about the most painful things from our present and our past. And so I would like to have you lead us in some tapping on looking at what is and being okay with what is. We're going to do some more work on that. In another video about shame. You might feel about where you are right now, but part of this has to be to free up that it's okay to look and see, see the shackles of where you've been, see the situation where it is the status of your relationship, and be deeply and completely accepting of yourself.

Yeah, let's do that.

Thank you.

We work with people all over the spectrum. Some people have bills stacked up that they haven't looked at. They've shoved them in a drawer for a year, and they have no idea how much they owe. And there's people that have been saving and doing all the right things, but they're still afraid. And it's really common when we feel powerless about something, we tend not to want to look at it.

Right.

Karate chop. Under the old paradigm, under the old paradigm, there was nothing I could do.

There was nothing I could do.

Money was bad.

Money was bad.

But I still wanted it. But I still wanted it and still needed it.

And still needed it.

So I was afraid to look at it.

So I was afraid to really look at it.

I didn't want to know where I was.

I didn't want to know where I.

Was, because wherever I was was Wrong.

Because wherever I was was wrong.

And I deeply and completely accept myself.

And I deeply and completely accept myself.

The good news is the good news is I have a new paradigm about money.

I have a new paradigm about money.

It's okay to have money now.

It's okay to have money now.

I love having high integrity money.

I love having high integrity money.

So I can start looking at this again.

So I can start looking at this again.

Top of the head. I was so afraid back then.

I was so afraid back then.

Eyebrow. And I'm kind of afraid of what I'll see now.

And I'm kind of afraid of what I'll see now.

Side of the eye. But the truth is, I have what.

I have but the truth is I.

Have what I have under the eye right this minute.

Right this minute.

Under the nose. I am where I am.

I am where I am.

Chin. And I can change it much more effectively.

And I can change it much more effectively.

Collarbone. If I know where I'm starting if.

I know where I'm starting.

Under the arm. I admire my courage.

I admire my courage.

Top of the head. And I can do it a baby step at a time.

And I can do it a baby step at a time.

But I'm ready to look at reality now.

But I'm ready to look at reality.

Now and then change my future.

And then change my future.

Nice deep breath. You're doing great. We really appreciate what you're doing. Because by you changing this, not only do you change your trajectory, but you influence the people around you. Your kids will not see that same conflict. They won't carry this forward. Your friends and family will see. Whether they ask you about it or not, you're modeling a different way of being for them around money. You're creating possibility for them. And that's such a beautiful gift to give the world. Keep up the great work. We know this takes courage, but you're doing great.