11 - Guilt
Rick Wilkes and Kathy work through guilt using tapping exercises, focusing on how guilt around money and personal integrity blocks emotional freedom. They explore what guilt costs you and how to release it.
Guilt, it's like that choke collar that someone can grab a hold of and go, bad boy.
You can control a lot while they're on the run with that.
Yeah. And that feeling that we're bad, it's not one that we usually get free of. You know, if you stand up in court and you stole something, you shoplifted and you're found guilty, you might serve in prison, you might make restitution, and then, you know, or probation or something. Probation. Are you now still guilty? And one of the challenges with this shackle is that for a lot of people, and this is one of the things where it's really useful to acknowledge how smart our primitive brain is. If you were raised by people or had authority in your life, people with power over you, and they used guilt. Here's the thing, your primitive brain says, oh, they need to meet. They need me to be guilty, to look it, to look like I really regret what I did, and then I'll never do it again. And it doesn't matter whether you did anything wrong or not. The primitive brain says, oh, okay, we're supposed to be guilty here. And you go into that mode.
It's very smart.
It's very smart thing to do, especially around violent people or people that are mentally or emotionally or physically unstable. Being able to adapt. A submissive I'm guilty. Yes, you're right, I'm guilty posture. You can't fake it. It's one of those things that the primitive brain says, okay, I'm going to flood you with those chemicals. This comes up, someone's upset with you, okay, I'm at fault. You don't do something right, okay, I'm at fault. And anything that is like that occurs at the reflex level. And that's why this kind of tapping is so incredibly useful, because it changes your reflex so that when someone is upset about money, you don't have to feel guilty. In every cell of your body, you can be, oh, okay. What need of theirs is not being met. That's an entirely different reaction. If you have guilt around this, around money, wanting all of that, it's really useful to honor the fact that you weren't born with it. We've already done some tapping on that. And then it takes a bit to start shifting. If there's an energy that I want you to feel from Kathy and I right now, it is that we give you permission and invitation to not feel guilty about your abundance or lack of it, what you've done with your money in the past, that guilt is not guidance. We'd love for you to have guidance about how those experiences can guide you for the future.
I think there is such a thing as healthy guilt. I don't think there's such a thing as healthy shame, but I think our society has like 1% healthy guilt and 99% unhealthy guilt.
So if you do something out of integrity, you want to know it. There's a feeling that comes up. But see, I can. If I. If I get clarity that I did something out of integrity, I don't have to flood myself. And you're not forever right. It can be clarity that says, I need to clean that up because that's out of integrity. That, to me, is a bit of a different energy. You could say that I was guilty of being out of integrity, but what do I do with that? And that's the new paradigm, is that we're not flooding ourselves with such destructive chemicals. Guilt is a very destructive chemical in our body. It depletes us.
Well, it's a very disempowering one. Because in general, the way we're raised is if you did something wrong, your parents. My mother still brings up the fact that I took 24 hours to be born. Now, I think she's partly joking.
You are guilty of being a very slow, difficult baby.
And I think she's partly joking, but I don't know that it's all joking. In our society, there's not a thing like, okay, you did this wrong, and I need you to do blah, blah, blah to make it better, and then you're done. And I won't bring it up again. It's more like you did something wrong. And therefore I have that choke collar that I can use on you for the rest of your life. And that's not healthy. That's very disempowering because you're stuck. You're like, wow, I didn't know where the fence was. I stepped across the boundary, and now I did this bad thing. And it's very linked to shame in that sense. Like, you are bad. Like, I did something bad, but I can't ever make up for it or be free again.
And if money has got its hand on your choke collar, then everywhere that you turn, money is being used. You're asking for it, you're receiving it, you're spending it. As I say that what happens in your body as you think about your own, what guilt you may have about money that hasn't been released, you're not free of. You still have the shackle. And how do you Want to be about it. We, as we've said, we believe in living a life of integrity and cleaning up our messes, and that's what we're going to engage with right now. To me, a guilt is often an externally imposed mess that we may not even be responsible for, or we may.
Not agree that what we did was wrong was really wrong. People will sometimes impose things based on their perspective and what they want to get. If they think they can get you to feel guilty, they'll use it. So if I really want Rick to buy dinner for me tonight, I could say, you know, you really hurt me when you did that. And, you know, you didn't pay your fair share the other day, and it could be whatever. I could just be making up stuff that we never agreed to. But I can find fault and make him feel guilty, and then he might buy me dinner.
Yeah. My vision is that people don't have an externally imposed guilt button.
Yeah. So I would much rather prefer to have a clean way of dealing with Rick and say, you know, Rick, I would love for you to buy me dinner tonight.
I would do that.
Yeah. And then we both are having fun rather than him sitting there like, oh, I'm such a bad person. So the guilt is often put on us because of their perspective and what they subconsciously or consciously want to get out of the situation. So realize that a lot of the guilt that you may have may be not really yours. And you get to say, you know what? That's that person's, and I can send it back.
Okay. So how old do you feel when you feel guilty about something that isn't really yours? Would you do some inner tapping with our guilty inner child?
Yeah. So take a nice deep breath, and I'm going to use the example because it's what's coming up strongly for me. My mother had a tendency to give us gifts unasked for.
Okay.
And then afterwards, we owed her for them because obligation and guilt are pretty linked. They are so. And so for the longest time, I had trouble accepting gifts from people because of that. And it was, you know, I could later talk to her about it, but, you know, and say, listen, do you. Do I owe you anything if you give me this. But when I was a kid, I couldn't. So I'm going to use that example. But pull out what's yours. Where have you been made to feel guilty about money, that you. Your clothes cost too much when you were little, that school cost too much, And a lot of times it may not have been something that you even knew you needed until your parents gave it to you. So imagine that younger self there and see her or his face like, oh, my God, I'm wrong. I did something wrong. And I don't know what to do about this. And then gently, gently tap on that younger self while you tap on yourself. Karate tap. Hey, little one.
Hey, little one.
I get that this is confusing.
I get that this is confusing.
There's all this obligation.
There's all this obligation.
And they're saying that you did something wrong.
And they're saying that you did something wrong.
They didn't even tell you it was wrong.
They didn't even tell you it was wrong.
Or maybe they did.
Or maybe they did.
And you did it anyway.
And you did it anyway.
I love you anyway.
I love and accept you anyway.
And let's find a way to let this feeling go.
And let's find a way to let this feeling go.
Top of the head. If there's any wisdom in there, let's pull it out.
If there's any wisdom in there, let's pull it out.
Maybe we can find out that we need better boundaries.
Maybe we can find out that we need better boundaries.
Side of the eye. Or tell people we didn't agree to certain things.
Or tell people we didn't agree to certain things.
Under the eye. Maybe we did steal an extra cookie from the cookie jar.
Maybe we did steal an extra cookie from the cookie jar.
Under the nose, but that doesn't have to be a life sentence.
That doesn't have to be a life sentence.
Chin. I was a little kid.
I was a little kid.
Collarbone. You were a little kid.
You were a little kid.
Under the arm. It's okay to make mistakes.
It's okay to make mistakes.
Top of the head. They didn't really tell us that, did they?
They didn't tell us that, did they?
Eyebrow. It's okay to do things that are wrong sometimes.
It's okay to do things that are wrong sometimes.
Side of the eye, especially the little things.
Especially the little things under the eye.
It's okay to clean them up, too.
It's okay to clean them up, too.
Under the nose. And there are lots of ways to do that.
And there are lots of ways to do that, Tim.
Let's not serve life sentences anymore.
Yeah, let's not serve life sentences anymore.
Collarbone. It's okay to learn from the experience.
It's okay to learn from the experience.
Under the arm. And then let it go.
And then let it go.
Top of the head. You did great.
You did great.
And you deserve more freedom now.
And you did more. You deserve more freedom now.
Nice deep breath. That's one of the things that I notice. If someone doesn't have a high level of integrity where they don't care that they did something wrong, it's really hard to control them. So this is used the most with the people that have the highest level of integrity. And then it really is a life sentence. Like, I still have things that I've been tapping through things and releasing them, but there's still things that I did when I was really little that didn't really matter to anyone, but I was told it was bad. And I still, like. It's like. And I'm 46. It's been. It's been like 40 years. Yeah. We wouldn't send another person to jail for that, for that long. So one way to look at this is to look at this as if you had your best friend or your sister or your daughter or your brother, whoever. If they did this, how long would you send them to jail for? How long would you punish them for? And often it'd be like, wouldn't punish them at all. Like, if they said they were sorry, it would be all over. And so realize that we often treat ourselves very differently than we treat other people.
And that's the wisdom. And I want to talk about the primitive brain around this too, because one of the things about guilt is that it can be shocking, it can be a punishment that we weren't expecting. And so, like, my inner child had a look of, why? Why am I a bad boy? I don't want to be a bad boy.
I tried so hard.
So if guilt is a big part of your life, look at for frozen moments. These are specific events. Go back and spend some time in like, again, treating your inner child, the you that went through that and may still be sitting there with a shock look on his face, frozen, because that's where we can't let go of. If there's a guilt that you can't let go of, it can be because there was a specific trauma that was just so potent and poignant at that moment where you made a decision or you couldn't make a decision because the why hadn't been answered. Or it can be that you set a rule or you thought that there was a rule about life that if you did this, then you were guilty. Or if you don't do this obligation, you're guilty. I want to say that an obligation is a shackle. If it's not chosen, you can choose to do something no matter what. For example, you may choose to make sure that your friend never starves on the street. Feel the difference of that choice versus I'm obligated otherwise. I'm a guilty, horrible person if I don't take care of my friend. To me, it's a different energy, and I would rather be aligned in integrity about, you know, I'm not gonna let Kathy starve on the street, and she's not gonna let me starve on the street. Street. But it's not an obligation. I don't need that. Want that, nor want to manipulate her guilt ever in order to make sure that I'll be safe and from that thing. And that's more liberty and freedom. And one of the shackles around money is that if you think that if you have it, it activates all this whole universe of obligation.
Yeah. Well, that's often true. And there are people I don't share how much I make because they'd be like, wow, I need more money. Like, I need you to loan me money or pay for this or whatever. And the. Those are kind of people that really help you practice your boundaries.
Yeah. So would you lead us in tapping around obligation versus choice and listening to your heart's guidance?
Take a nice, deep breath. Karate chop. They use guilt to hide my heart's guidance.
They use guilt to hide my heart's guidance. Hide my heart's guidance.
They didn't want me to hear it.
They didn't want me to hear it.
They wanted me to do what they wanted to do.
They wanted me to do what they wanted me to do.
And I choose to listen to my heart again.
I choose to listen to my heart again.
Even though they may ask me for things.
Even though they may ask me for things.
That's okay.
That's okay.
I get to say yes or no.
I get to say yes or no.
Or make different choices.
Or make different choices.
My heart is guiding me forward.
My heart is guiding me forward.
And I choose to care about myself and others.
And I choose to care about myself and care for others.
Top of the head. They tried to obligate me.
Oh, yeah. They tried to obligate me.
I'd rather probably try again.
They'll probably try again.
Side of the eye. It works in the past.
It worked in the past.
Under the eye. But I'm stuck. Starting to learn a new way.
I am starting to learn a new.
Way under the nose. I can listen to what's right for me.
I can listen to what's right for Me, Jen.
I get to say no.
I get to say no.
Collarbone. And if they think I'm a bad.
Person without feeling guilty, and if they.
Think I'm a bad person, that's their perspective.
That's their perspective.
Top of the head. I can choose to love and accept myself anyway.
I can choose to love and accept my. Anyway.
Take a nice deep breath now. This is way outside the scope of the course to teach boundaries and to help you with all the different nuances of this. But realize your primitive brain is very afraid to set boundaries if it thinks it's going to get hurt or you're going to be rejected or abandoned. So working through a lot of that, those issues can really help too. Help yourself realize that you'll be there for you even if other people aren't.
Look at, as you move forward in abundance, imagine your account growing by an extra thousand dollars, let's say every three months. That doesn't have any label attached to it. What rules come up for you? I would be guilty if I didn't. What I should. What if you're shoulding on yourself? A should is based upon a rule that you'd feel guilty about and you do feel guilty about if you don't do it. So that's a clue. Like Kathy said, this is a bit of a detective process. It's looking for the clues, becoming skillful with the emotional language of your inner world so that you can parse out. Hey, is this an obligation from culture that I don't even follow anymore? Is it something that truly is a yes for me, But I'd like to feel the freedom in that choice? I have a huge yes. I love having a huge yes. And when it comes to money, there's so many things that are a yes for me. And there are certain things that are absolutely a no. And I, for me, obligation is a no if it comes with it as an obligation. It's not a yes for me. I want to either feel the choice or it's a no until I feel like I have the freedom to be able to say no. That's a different art. But if you can get even a couple of steps more in that direction so that the guilt, instead of being a 9 or a 10, if you didn't do X, Y or Z, that it was only a 5, what you'll notice is that other aspects of your life are freed up too.
Absolutely. One other thing you should really remember, if you can, is it's okay to make mistakes. We are not taught that in our society.
It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to make mistakes.
If you make a mistake, if you can give yourself permission to notice it and make restitution. I personally love Gary Chapman's five languages of apology. It's a good way to clean things up and it can include restitution or how you're going to not do that again, depending on what the so they're basically saying I'm sorry, asking for your forgiveness, admitting that you are wrong, offering restitution like I'm really sorry I stood you up for dinner. Can I take you out for dinner now instead? Or next week? And here's how I'm going to make sure I don't do this again. That was really rude. Going to make sure it's in my calendar and I'm going to text you as I'm leaving the house so you know that you're not going to sit in the restaurant waiting for me. So for me that's a really going through those and for big things, it may be a lot more restitution for little things, just saying those things and offering it can be enough, but they're a really good way to be complete. And one of the reasons these things keep coming up for people is because they don't feel apologized to. They don't feel like they've really, really cared. So for me, if someone says they're sorry, I've had so many people say they're sorry but they didn't really mean it or just as a way to get out of it. It doesn't really land for me. But there's others. Would you forgive me? Feels really good and let me make it up to you. Feels really good. So realize that if someone, your partner or your kids or whoever keeps bringing stuff up, they may not have felt apologized to. So to them the guilt is still there because the wrong thing is still in existence. And you can use these for yourself as well. If you let yourself down or you made a mistake, apologize to you so that you can feel complete and move.
On and notice the things that you want to guilt others around. Money. If you're in relationship and you feel like your partner or someone else should feel guilty, those types of things can apply. Where is our integrity here? And keep tapping. Take what comes up. For people that have lived with guilt as an emotional posture, they walk with that feeling everything that they do. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I used to say I'm sorry for everything and if that's your mantra as you walk through the world, start taking a look at that later. At the end of your day, think about what you were apologizing for, particularly around money. And it's. And do some tapping on it. Clean it up at the end of the day. You know, eyebrow. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Sorry. Do I need to be sorry?
Do I need to be sorry?
Sometimes I do.
Sometimes I do.
Sometimes I don't.
Sometimes I don't.
I don't always have to feel guilty.
I don't always have to feel guilty.
Hold on. I do want my clarity.
I do want my clarity.
Under the arm. I choose to live with integrity.
I choose to live with integrity.
Top of the head. But that doesn't mean living according to other people's rules all the time.
That doesn't mean living according to other people's rules.
Because so many of them conflict.
Because so many of them conflict.
I want my own clarity.
I want my own clarity.
And not to feel at all guilty about that.
And not to feel at all guilty about that. Take a nice deep breath. Now realize there are so many guilts and shame, and many of us have accumulated them over the years, and they're attached to the shackles around our ankles, and they're holding us back. So each time you release one, it gets a little bit easier. Muscles, you get better at lock picking, so to speak, and it gets easier to release new ones, and you're just walking forward a little more easily. Your system goes, hmm, that was interesting. Let's clear some more. So start out with whatever is bringing you. Just this discussion probably brought up a bunch of things. Write them down. Do a little bit of tapping. You don't have to clear every single guilt that ever occurred to you. Usually after you clear, every time you clear one, some others go with it, and it starts getting so delicious. It's so much easier. Keep up the really amazing work and congratulate yourself. And giving yourself this freedom, it's really worth it.
Do something that is nice to yourself.
Celebrate.
Be kind. Be compassionate. Be forgiving and gentle with yourself. Even if it just means, you know, putting your hand over your heart and sending some forgiveness to a part of you. Maybe a hand over your gut. Mmm. You say, I'm sorry. I forgive you. You're forgiven. It's okay. We're learning and growing. Thank you.
