Am I OVERreacting?
Rick Wilkes and Kathy Vartulli explore why we overreact and how trauma shapes our emotional responses. They walk through tapping exercises (EFT) to help you recognize triggers and calm your nervous system when you feel yourself spiraling.
Am I overreacting? I'm Rick from thrivingnow.com I'm blessed to be here with Kathy Vartulli from the Intimacy dojo. Hi, Kathy.
Hey, Rick. It's so good to be here with all of you.
I wanted to start with an acknowledgement that I overreact. I imagine that I overreacted from the time I was born. Born, especially if overreact means reacting disproportionately. And we're humans and we have reactions, especially like thriving now tends to attract people that have good sensors, sometimes really vigilant sensors. And we pick up things. We pick up a whiff of unsafety, and it feels powerful to us. Many of us have a trauma history that has impacted us. So Kathy and I are going to be engaging around this subject. We'd love for your to help us tune in the chat and there may be time for us to come forward. If you have something that really fits that you might like to tap with us on, please drop that in the chat window so that we know that's probably one of the easiest ways for us to see that. Yeah. Good to see you.
I love that you're here, too. I just want to. If you had to carve time out of your life to be here, and I want to congratulate you because so few people actually address this. We go through our entire life feeling like we're reacting too strongly. We beat ourselves up for overreacting. We have other people telling us we're overreacting. We never really stop and look at what is this thing that we're doing or being accused of all the time, and how can I get a cognitive belief about it and how can I tap to release some of those old patterns? So I really think this is gonna serve you in ways that you might be surprised to find weaving through your entire life where you'll have just a little bit more confidence, a little more like, oh, yeah, that person said I was overreacting, but you know what? I'm okay. And just that lets you step out of the reaction faster. I think a lot of times we're beating ourselves up or other people are beating us up for that reaction, and that makes it really hard to learn. So, like, we overreact because we don't have the experience of handling this before. Like, our brain or we'll go through some of the reasons, but we don't have the experience of knowing how dangerous it is actually and how well we can cope with it. If we can calm down and be grounded and go through it, the Next time it might be much, much different response. We're like, oh, I'm feeling upset. But you know what? I did this last week, and this was fine. We can step out faster, but we can actually retraumatize ourselves. Someone's yelling at us, we're yelling at ourselves or blaming ourselves. And that just tells our brain, this is even more threatening than I thought. Even if it's something you could just naturally step out of pretty easily once you calm down. And we just associate that beat up with this, trigger this fear. So the next time we overreact or we have a strong reaction, it's all cycled together and we never kind of go, oh, while this feels like a lot, I've actually got this handled and I can. I can step through it. So I just want to congratulate you.
On your wisdom and your guidance for.
Being here and working through this with us.
You made a lot of good points there. Kathy and I, when we were talking about this, one of the things that is repulsive to me is when someone says, you're overreacting because that's their judgment.
It's a judgment call. They don't know.
Always they're saying that from their standpoint, your reaction is disproportionate, unnecessary, a whole bunch of other things. Whereas it is what it is. For me, I'm the one who is first and foremost the one who's feeling for either downstream or in the moment. Is this reaction something that serves me. And I will say that sometimes I know that I've reacted strongly to something. And for me, I continue to see that that reaction, which other people may have thought was way disproportionate, was actually like what I stand for, you know, and there are other times where I was way out of line, out of the line of my own integrity, out of the line of what would have been proportionate to what's there. And I. So this is a touchy, complex subject. I'm hoping that people can hear that. We're not saying. If you are being told that you're overreacting, that you necessarily are. If you tell me that you're overreacting, my first question is, how do you know? And we can tune to that for a moment. When you feel like you're overreacting to something, how do you know it in your body? What's your body awareness? That this is in that category of yellow red for you in terms of a reaction, could we do a little.
Tapping just to help people ground enough to even. Because sometimes it's hard to even parse that because, you know, it's like you're drinking from a fire hose and you can't even tell what the water tastes like.
Yes.
Okay. So nice. Deep breath.
Go for it.
If you can feel your butt in.
The chair, your feet on the floor.
Know that you're here in this beautiful circle of love and support where we're all getting to step out and have new inspiration. We'll start in the karate chop. Even though I told myself I was.
Overreacting, Even though I told myself I was overreacting.
And she told me I was overreacting.
And she told me I was overreacting.
And he made a face like I was overreacting.
And he made a face like I was overreacting and out of line.
And I'm here. I'm here right now.
And I'm here right now.
And I'm actually safe.
And I'm actually safe.
Even though I'm blaming myself for overreacting.
Even though I'm blaming myself for overreacting.
And I think they are, too.
And they are, too.
There's part of me that feels frightened.
There's part of me that feels frightened.
Or very, very mad.
Or very mad. Activated is the word I get.
And yelling at that part is not going to help.
And yelling at that part of me has never helped.
I send that part of me love.
I send that part of me love.
And I ask the universe to help me ground.
And I ask the universe to help me ground.
Top of the head. I'm yelling at myself for overreacting.
I am yelling at myself for overreacting.
Eyebrow. They're yelling at me for overreacting.
They're yelling at me for overreacting.
Side of the eye. Maybe I am overreacting.
And maybe I am overreacting.
Under the eye. Maybe I'm not.
And maybe I'm not under the nose.
I can love myself no matter what.
I'm open to loving myself no matter what.
Maybe I have really good reasons.
And maybe I have some really good reasons, Oliver.
That may not be completely obvious to an outsider.
That may not be obvious to an outsider.
They may not even be obvious to me right now.
They may not even be obvious to me right now.
Top of that. I'm open to understanding and loving myself through this.
I'm open to understanding and loving myself through this.
Nice deep breath. So I'd love to go back to what you were saying, Rick. I just. I think sometimes we have to just bring it down a level before we can even tune In. But when you think about the last time you overreacted, what did you feel in your body? For me, I sometimes feel like a pressure, like kind of a blindness, like that. Kind of like I can't even focus on anything. It's just too much and kind of a panic feeling.
There's a surge in my nervous system, but even more so for me is a surge in my biochemistry. It feels like whoosh. It feels chemical. It touches the cells of my body and like it. And that seems to be, like, harder.
Could we do some tapping on just the feelings?
Yeah. So just taking a moment and there's the feeling, the body feeling of it. And like, for me, there's an energy of I've got to get it out. And that's why often loud voice is like, that would be a reaction in.
My body that I want to fix it or get away from it. So I want to run away. Like, some people will go forward, fight, flight, freeze. Some people freeze. Some people are like, oh, I need to either fix this or run the other way, get away from this feeling.
Even though I get these intense body.
Reactions, Even though I get these intense body reactions.
That'S the way my body.
Reacts it's the way my body reacts.
Right here, right now.
Right here, right now.
Today.
Today.
Yesterday. This week.
This week.
And it's only Monday.
And it's only Monday.
I have these reactions.
I have these reactions.
I have reactions.
I have reactions.
My body does something.
My body does something.
And it's hard.
And it's hard.
It could be really big.
It could be really big.
It can be discombobulating.
Discombobulating.
Disorienting.
Disorienting.
Very uncomfortable.
Very uncomfortable.
Too much.
Too much.
Too much energy.
Too much energy all at once. All at once.
Too much energy all at once.
Too much energy all at once.
And I feel it in my I.
Feel it in my body.
I feel it in my body right there. Right there and there and there. And I accept that I have these reactions.
And I kind of accept that I have these reactions.
I do have these reactions.
I do have these reactions.
I'm aware I have these reactions.
I'm aware I have these reactions.
There's no getting away from the fact that I have these reactions.
There's no getting away from the fact I have these reactions.
That doesn't mean I always will.
Does not mean I will, Always will.
But I accept that I have these reactions.
But I accept that I have these reactions. That felt good. Yeah, always. Half the battle is just when we're Fighting reactions and trying to get forward of them and behind them or escape them or freeze. We're not actually processing them. We have to actually be with them. We can tap so that it goes faster, but we have to actually be with something to have any power over it or ability to release it. So if we're just actually, oh, I do have these reactions. All of a sudden, we're here and now and grounded. We have so much more power to steer where we're going versus we're ahead of it, trying to pull it or push it away or just frozen and unable to move. None of those things actually give us a lot of power. So the more we practice being with these uncomfortable feelings, the more power we have.
Would you tap on the uncomfortableness of these feelings?
Sure. Karate chop. Even though this is so uncomfortable, Even.
Though this is so uncomfortable.
And I do not want to be here.
And I do not want to be here.
I want to get away as fast as I can.
I want to get away as fast as I can.
I want to shove these away.
I want to shove these reactions away.
The truth is, I'm having these reactions.
The truth is, I'm having these reactions.
And if I try to shove them.
Away, and if I try to shove.
Them away, I'm actually dissociating.
I'm actually dissociating.
All those emotions and feelings are still going on.
All the emotions and feelings are still going on.
I'm just not really processing them.
Yeah, I'm not. I'm not really processing them.
And they're kind of stuck in my.
Body, and they start feeling stuck in my body, which makes me more reactive.
The head.
What did you say?
Hey, body.
Hey, body.
Eyebrow. Sorry. I've been blaming you for all these uncomfortable feelings.
Yeah, I've been blaming myself, my body, for all these uncomfortable feelings.
Side of the eye. What if I could just be with them?
What if we could just be with them?
Under the eye? I feel like I might die.
Yeah, they're so intense. I feel like I might die.
Under the nose. When I was 2 or 3, it was too much.
When I was 2 or 3, it WAS too much.
I didn't know how to handle them.
I didn't know how to handle them.
Collarbone. So I have a story that these feelings might kill me.
I have a story somewhere inside my brain that these stories, these feelings might kill me.
Under the arm.
Right there. Right there.
Under the arm. But I can actually survive them.
I have survived them.
Top of the head. I only have to feel them for 30 seconds.
I only have to feel them for 30 seconds.
Eyebrow.
And then I can just breathe for 30 seconds.
And then I could breathe for 30 seconds.
Side of the eye. Maybe I'll feel them for another 30 seconds.
Maybe I'll feel them for another 30 seconds.
Under the eye.
That teaches my primitive brain that I'm safe.
That teaches my primitive brain that I'm safe.
Under the nose. And I can step in and out.
I can what?
Step in and out.
And I can step in and out.
Chin. And I don't have to feel all these uncomfortable feelings all at once.
And I do not have to feel all these uncomfortable feelings all at once.
Caliban.
I don't want to leave them buried in my body.
I do not want to leave them buried and building up in my body.
Under the arm. I asked the universe to give me the courage to feel these.
I'm not hearing you. And not the technology. I think there's something.
I asked the universe to give me the courage to feel these feelings.
I asked the universe to give me the courage to feel these feelings.
Top of the head. So I can release them and move on.
So I can release them and move on. And I'm feeling like. And respond in a way that is more me.
Yeah.
Respond more authentically.
Well, like, for me, emotional freedom is that when there's something important and dear to me, like how I respond to a child in my life or respond to a situation or that's dear. It's important to me. Then if I'm in reaction, I'm not actually in response. It feels like I have not much choice. And what you were saying as we were tapping, I could feel like, oh, if. When I have this stimulus, hit me. If I can be with it for 30 seconds, I mean, I don't need to be. If I could be with it for 300 milliseconds, then I would be a different Rick. On the other side of that, they actually look at meditators. And one of the things that it does is you have the stimulus, and there's a gap between the stimulus and the response. And I've noticed that in my life. But here we're looking at things that still, like, hit the raw part of us, right?
If there's no pause, even a small one, we have no choice. We're reacting completely versus making a choice.
Go ahead.
I just think it's a muscle. And one of the things that I really think is important for people to remember, and I have to remind myself all the time. It always feels impossible when we first start feeling this, it feels like we can never do this, but this is a muscle we can build up just like anything else. So when you first feel it, I really like a lot of times with clients and myself, if something big is happening, just like 30 seconds, just 30 seconds, just breathe with it and then release. And maybe I take a 10 minute break and step back in. But as we build up those muscles, it gets easier and easier to be with that. And as we're with it, if we just feel it and let it, don't.
Hold on, just feel it and let it be.
Don't try to push it out, pull it, get. Don't try to change it, just be with changes. It flows, it moves.
And I think of like every time.
We push it away, it's kind of like a closet where we're packing more.
And more in and then we just.
We'Re trying to push a little bit more in and everything comes falling out on us and we have this like.
Meltdown and we overreact. But the more we can feel it.
The closet starts getting very neat and organized and we can say, okay, I need to put this aside for a few minutes. I'm in a place where I can't really have a lot of emotion. There's room in the closet to put it out, put it there and then we have the muscle later. So it's not so scary to pull it out and just process it if that makes sense.
It does. So thank you, you and I had pointed it. So one of the things that helps with reaction is to have some questions and some understanding. It's not sufficient in the moment often to override it, but it is foundations with your tapping to be able to look at, okay, I had this reaction, where's it coming from? And one of the core things is threat. So someone emailed me about racially insensitive comments that one of the their co workers was making. And I asked her, does it feel like it's a threat or maybe something else like a sense of team or respect or something like that? And she said, wow, it feels like a threat. Which says to us that the lizard brain, the part of the primitive brain that really does need to know, pick up little rustles in the grass. And if it means that we bolt 100 yards and it was just a mouse, that's a waste of energy, but we're not eaten. And so one of the questions, if we have overreactions that we have is, is this a threat? And let your non logical brain answer that. It can sound really like mine. When it says it is like, yeah, I'm afraid he's gonna turn on me and bite me, or I'm gonna be next. And I'm just gonna be there, lying there. And you feel it. You know, you get kind of tense about it. So if my sensors are picking up a certain energy and assuming that it's a threat like that, then that's a tapping that we can do.
And I think Jean said I learned overreacting. My mother, she was so good at it.
And we learned that, like, we learn.
How to respond to threats from our parents and the people around us who are the role models of people in power.
So if you're like, it's really easy.
To beat yourself up. I do it like, oh, I swore I would never be like that, but I'm doing that.
But there's part of our brain that.
Really learned that pattern. So it's really. It's great to do some tapping and appreciate the only thing that I know. Yelling does not. Yelling, blaming does not dissolve these patterns. Appreciation and gentle understanding is what helps change them. So, hey, thanks, brain.
You're doing a good job.
Let's do it.
Let's do a tapping on that.
Yeah. Want me to lead or you?
I feel drunk. Great job. Hey, brain.
Hey, brain.
You picked up a threat.
You picked up a threat.
Something you really think is a threat.
Something you really think is a threat.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That's important to our survival.
That is important to our survival.
Top of the head. Part of me picks up on threats.
Part of me picks up on threats.
Eyebrow. Smells.
Smells.
Sounds.
Sounds.
Looks. Lack of look.
Lack of looks.
Too much look.
Too much look.
Words and energy.
Words and energy.
Body language and micro expressions.
Body language and micro expressions.
And it comes down my whole line.
And it comes down my whole line.
Thank you, ancestors.
Thank you, ancestors.
Your reactions kept you alive.
Your reactions kept you alive.
Thank you, ancestors.
Thank you, ancestors.
You passed down to me some really potent sensors.
You passed down to me some really potent sensors.
And it's okay for me to put a question mark.
It's okay for me to put a question mark.
Threat.
Threat.
Threat.
Threat.
What about it is a threat?
What about it is a threat?
I may have overreacted.
I may have overreacted.
But I'm still here.
I'm still here.
I may have overreacted.
I may have overreacted big time.
But I'm still here.
But I'm still here.
Thank you, brain.
Thank you, brain.
I'm not giving up those sensors.
I'm not giving up Those sensors, it's.
Just, where do I go with them?
It's just where do I go with them?
And I'm in the process of feeling those and checking in.
I'm in the process of feeling those and checking in.
Deep breath. And those of you that have been with Kathy and I know that there are times when we recommend that, you know, you look behind you, you look under, you know, you look around, you say, is there actually a lion or a tiger? Is a lion, tiger, bear, threat? X.
You know, silly as it seems, and.
Sometimes that person is in your world, you're sharing them and you're going to expect to be vigilant, more vigilant around someone that hits your brain as threat. But I find that if I can start with, well, what is. What feels unsafe is a question we've asked, but also more specifically when it comes to reactions, threat. And it's not binary. I think. I think one of the things about asking a question is that we're inviting other parts of us to feel into it. Our head, our heart, our gut, our groin, and answer. And it's usually not, well, someone is utterly safe. Or if you try to write it off, like, you get that, you know, your hackles start. Like you get the hairs on the back of your neck and you say, oh, I'm being silly. That's a good way to have overreactions. I think when we don't honor our primal sensors are picking up on something, it could be just distasteful. Right. Like I've had people, you know, when I was growing up, my mom reacted certain ways to situations that were really primal. And for me, I've kind of come to a place where that's pretty distasteful. I don't want to be around it. I don't want to engage with it. But it's not the same. Kind of like, it hits her in the threat. And I had to. And this is what made Eft so dear to me. Oh, thank you. Hallelujah. Was that it was able to shift things from being absolutely, positively a threat to my nervous system to being something that was distasteful but not like wham, wham, wham, which my mother deals with.
Yeah.
I think what Rachel said about she's having a reaction to a certain person lately and she's not sure if she's just being triggered because of past stuff or if it's intuition. And I think it can be really confusing. It can be really hard to know, is this guidance or fear? Is this a reaction or real And I just. A lot of times I'll just keep tapping on, like, thank you for the warning. I'm paying attention now.
Do you want to tap on that?
Yeah. So take a nice deep breath. And I think we've had that. Like, is this real information? Or should I. Is it something I'm just reacting? This person remind me of someone? Or is this a real warning? Karate chop. Hey, brain.
Hey, brain.
I hear you.
I can't not hear you.
I'm noticing the reaction.
I'm noticing the reaction.
And I'm paying attention.
And I'm paying attention.
I'm not sure if this is a real threat or not.
I'm not sure if it's a real threat or not.
And I'm paying attention to what you're saying.
And I'm paying attention to what you're saying.
Top of head. Does she just remind me of something that was a threat?
Do they just remind me of something that was a threat?
Eyebrow.
Or is there guidance there?
Is there guidance there?
Side of the eye. What if it's both?
And what if it's both under the eye?
Maybe there's some guidance mixed up with old stuff.
Guidance mixed up with old stuff.
Under the nose.
And maybe I'm being reminded of that.
Old stuff because you're trying to warn me.
And maybe I'm being reminded of the old stuff because I'm being warned. Thank you, brain.
I choose to be present with my body.
I choose to be present with my body.
Calibone. I ask the universe to bring me clarity.
I ask the universe to bring me clarity.
Under the arm and to help me know what the next right step is.
And to help me know what the next right step is.
Top of the head. I don't know whether to move away or work through this.
I don't know whether to move away or work through this.
And I ask for guidance. Can I ask for guidance?
And I ask for deeper guidance.
Nice deep breath. And one of the things, just acknowledging that you're having the feelings can let you kind of sit in them more deeply. Because when we're kind of in that questioning, when we feel confused, we definitely. Most humans have a tendency when they're confused, to blame themselves, to kind of be more tight and not as open to the feelings that are going on.
It's just like that's how we're raised.
You're supposed to know what you're supposed. You know what's next. You're supposed to be decisive. MacGyver never doubted himself. He's just doing the thing versus it really is. Humans are uncertain sometimes, and if we can relax and just kind of feel the feeling, often we get more clarity. But as long as we're fighting the confusion or just blaming ourselves for not knowing, it's really hard sometimes to step into that and just go, oh, this person does remind me a lot of that old person. And maybe there's something a little off about them. You know, maybe I don't want to give them the key to my house, or maybe I don't want to spend as much time with them. And any answer is okay, but it just. I rather make it from place of being in my body and making a decision rather than reacting to it.
Which brings us to one of the other things that you and I had talked about before the call. And I think that understanding this really helped me with my inner guidance. So thank you so much, Rachel, for that. Because what I notice like on trauma has a multiplier effect on our reactivity. And for some, you know, the trauma acts as a thousand x or a hundred thousand x on a certain type of situation, a certain type of trigger. And that's just the nature of trauma. I accept that. And we are still looking for ways to bring relief. And tapping helps to do that. But let's say right now, with all the work that I have done around my own, the sexual abuse that happened for three years in my teen years from a man, that there's still a 10x multiplier. Let's just use that for an example. And when I'm around someone whose energy reminds me, doesn't have to be their body, although it can be. It doesn't have to be their smell, although it can be. It may not be the way that they look at me or other people, but it can be. And I'm aware of my, my trauma history and it's not a hundred thousand anymore. It doesn't keep me from having great relationships with men, including really loving, expressive ones. But On Sunday, the 10x was there. But, you know, 10 times 0 is 0. 10 times 1 is 10 and 10 times 3 is 30. 10 times 7 is 70. And it felt like a 70. It dysregulated my system. And so there is something there. Now it can be something that the person has some choice over, like the use of a cologne. Not in this case. And that can be the trigger. And that's where if we're aware of our triggers and we're like, oh, you know, that smell can't be around it. It just acts as a magnifier. On everything. And I can tap on it like the smell of old spices. Instead of being a trillion times multiplier. It's like, people still wear that shit. Move away. But not like, freeze, run, hide, never see that person again. Thank you. Tapping. Is this making sense?
Yeah, I think it's. I mean, to me it does. I think that when we're aware of it, just being aware of that reactivity, the multiple is really useful. I remember sitting on the couch with a girlfriend one time, and we were watching some weird show, and just the look in someone's eye caused me to like, I was safely in my living room. I started screaming hysterically. I bit my lip, but, you know, lip was bleeding. It was like just a really strong reaction because it reminded me of something. But once I found tapping, I was able to tap on it. I watched the same movie and it makes me mildly uncomfortable, but it's just like, yeah, I know what's happening. I can say, you know what, I'm gonna go take a walk. Or I don't even need to. I can sit there, I can feel the discomfort, which helps clear it even more. But if we don't know those multipliers are there, they're kind of like this electric zaps we get when we're just wandering through our lives. And so we have the perceived threats and how we are supposed to respond to them based on what people told us. But we have the trauma. And I think Kinneret said, I loved what you shared about your cousin forgetting to text you that she'd be late, and she showed up 30 minutes later and you overreacted. You had the pattern of, I don't matter, people don't care. And that's probably something that strong is probably from old trauma, we learn that we're not loved, we're not, like, we're not worthy. People are gonna ignore our needs. And then if someone else just forgets something minor, that multiplier comes in and it's like. Instead of a 30 minute, like, oh, that's kind of annoying. I could have done something else. It's like, oh, I am unlovable. My primitive brain now thinks I'm not safe. And then there's this huge like. And people don't understand. They're like, I was 30 minutes late. Why are you acting like the world's falling apart? But literally your world is falling apart. And I use the amount Rick was talking about. Like, if you stub your toe and you start screaming and throwing your hands around, people are like, what's going on? Like, you know, this person is overreacting. But if you broken. Just broken your toe and it's really painful and you stub your foot and start throwing your arms around and swearing, if people knew that, they might be like, oh, I get it. So a trauma is kind of like that broken bone that you've knocked and you're just like, oh, my God, this hurts so bad.
And this is where I really appreciate that we, as a circle, by looking at this and honoring our own multipliers and maybe bringing some acceptance to ourselves. My reaction, like, when you told me about what happened at the movie, if I was 17 and you told me that I'd be like, what. What's. You know, come on, blah, blah, blah, today. I don't. It doesn't even fall into an overreaction. It falls into, there's something happening here. It's big, it's real, and. And it clearly is something that has deep roots and may not even be something that you could even touch in that moment. Certainly you may not be able to articulate what's going on. And that's where, as we go forward in this exploration of reactions, we're going to be looking at things like regulation and grounding and things again with this new light that we're putting on it.
One of the things I love is we can use it. As we use what happens in our life, our multipliers become clues to where we need to tap. So if we're seeing, oh, my goodness, my cousin was 30 minutes late, and it would be like, everyone judges for themselves. For me, it might be like, oh, I'm kind of annoyed they didn't tell me, but, you know, it's okay. But if I'm having this big reaction, that's a sign that that's some place of trauma is really affecting me still. So we can use them as clues as where to spend more time tapping to help release those patterns. And I don't think our society in general role models that they're just like, no, really suppress it, hold it. Like, put more locks on the closet. Like, put a heavier door and some more bolts. Because our society doesn't in general know how to clear things. But because all of you have tapping, you have this amazing skill that you can release this old trauma and suddenly like, oh, wow, that felt really crappy at the time. But that's an amazing clue that I need to do some tapping on this because my cousin came to see me and maybe they like me. I don't know. It seems like they like me because they're coming to see me. So me being upset about it means that there's a wound that I need to heal still.
I'd like to bring in the third item that we felt was really important here, because sometimes it may be an old wound, it may be trauma, but if you're touching on it, it's like. Doesn't feel like that's where it is. Another question. So we had threat question. What does this remind me of? Is this a multiplier effect?
The trauma.
The trauma. And then there's. Is there a rule being broken here? Because to me, I used to have a really strong rule. If you care about someone, you show up on time. And if you can't show up on time, you let them know. And if you don't let them know, then they'll cry at your funeral, because that's the only way reason you shouldn't, in this day and age, let people know what's going on. But it can be very stressful.
Like, can't be late.
Even as I just activate that one, I'm getting hot just from the rule. Has a lot of energy to it. Because if somebody that we care about doesn't follow that rule, there's a cascade effect about. What does this mean?
Yeah.
So when we're looking at our reactions, a lot of people said something about kids, and I totally get that because that's where I'm overreacting still. It's like, it's bath time. Oh, okay. Go upstairs. Get out. Yep. Okay. He's back downstairs. He's hiding under a blanket. Pick up the blanket. It's bath time. And he tries to crawl underneath the kitchen cabinet. No, you're breaking my rule.
I was a good boy, and therefore, you should be.
Yes, well, the rule got inherited or decided or something. I mean, I did. So this is where rules are fucking with my sense of regulation.
Well, and those rules are expectations in your. The family you were brought up in. I still remember that same girlfriend and I were setting the table one day. We just moved in together. And I was like. I was putting the forks in the left and whatever I did. And she was like, no, this is not, like, really upset. This is not okay. And I'm like, this is how you do it. And we just had different. Like it was. But the rules were broken. Neither of us had a trauma around silverware. But the rules, like, we've been trained, we'd put all this energy and time in our life to learning this and following the rules. So how can you have this different rules and your little one doesn't, hasn't he? He didn't. He doesn't have those rules.
Would you do some tapping with me on my rule reactivity?
Karate chop.
I learned the rules.
I learned the rules.
I lived by them.
I lived by them.
I sacrificed to follow them.
I sacrifice to follow them.
This is what a good person does.
This is what a good, good person does.
I want to love you.
I want to love you.
But you're not following the rules.
You are not following the rules.
So this means you are not a good person.
This means you are not a good person. And I am not a good.
Role model.
I haven't picked it up yet. How to be a good person.
I am failing.
I am failing.
My parents got me to follow the rules.
Yeah, My parents got me to follow the rules.
And you're not following them.
You're not following them.
Top of the head. I failed.
I failed.
Eyebrow. All those years invested in these rules.
All these years invested in the rules.
Side of the eye. How did the rules get to be more important than people?
How do the rules get to be more important than people?
Under the eye. I put a lot of years and energy into these rules.
Put a lot of years and energy into these rules.
Under the nose. We cannot break them now.
I will not let them be broken now.
Chin. You must not be late.
You must not be late.
You shall take a bath.
You shall. You shall do what you're told.
Under the arm. No arguing.
Just like me. Ha. Just no arguing. No arguing.
You cannot argue.
You cannot argue.
Eyebrow. I am the authority.
I am the authority.
Side of the eye. But I don't really want to be that kind of authority.
I do not. I don't want to be that person.
Under the eye. But that's what I was role modeled.
That's what I was. Role modeled.
Under the nose. My primitive brain is just following an.
Old script.
My primitive brain is following an old script that I didn't even like.
Jen. I didn't like it back then.
I did not like it back then.
Collarbone. I don't actually like it now.
I don't actually like it now.
Under the arm. But I feel like my power is being challenged.
It's hitting my confrontation sensors.
Top of the head. Hey, primitive brain.
Hey, primitive brain.
Eyebrow. Thank you for learning this script.
Thank you for learning the script.
Side of the eye. It made my childhood a lot easier.
Oh, safer. It made my childhood a lot easier and safer.
Under the eye. But it's not actually helping you connect with people now.
It's not helping me connect with him.
Now because a lot of those people don't have the same rules I do.
A lot of people don't have the same rules.
Chin.
I'd like to change the script a bit.
I'd like to adapt this script.
What if we softened it?
Not feeling the word softened.
Okay. What would you like to do? Modify it.
Explore other possibilities.
What if we explored this a little bit?
What if we explored this a little bit?
There might be some good aspects to these rules.
There might be some good aspects to these rules.
Top of the head. There might be some parts that we.
Could really let go, and the overreaction could really be let go.
I see. Friend.
The specific overreaction.
Yeah. I think specifically, I have friends that are really late all the time, and I like to think that maybe they still love me even if they're late, you know, instead of going in, because I do that too. Like, I will push myself. I will stress, red light.
Oh.
If I really think about it changing, it will change. I'll make it on time, and I'll stress the entire time I'm there. And if I'm one minute late, I feel horrible, and I don't really connect that person. I'm, like, apologizing, I'm so sorry. And they're like, I just pulled up too. Like, having some exploration around these rules can give us a lot more freedom. And choosing like, hey, I prefer to be on time. It's very polite. And if I'm not, or if they're not, we're still left. We're still okay. That could be a really powerful rewrite.
Yeah. Everyone take a breath. Let's check in with our body. Maybe there are some reactions that have come up for you. If there's something that you'd like to share in the chat, feel free. And if you feel we've touched and moved a lot of energy tonight, encourage you to take a moment here and feel gravity working. This is a sensory physio. Sensory. When you feel gravity working, you can recognize that even if you don't just, like, plop into a puddle, you can let gravity do a little bit more. You've been resisting gravity with your shoulders. If you let your shoulders relax a little more, if you let gravity pull your diaphragm just a little hair deeper. If you let your. Your jaw relax into more the hammock. Feeling your tongue, feel your connection to your feet or that you don't have much of one. Yeah, I'm squeezing my toes on my one foot. Healing a little Bit.
A little bit of tapping.
Because I think everyone's like, this is a lot.
We've been. We didn't hold back at all. And I think just sometimes just appreciating our body and our brains for showing up and just karate chop. I did a really good job.
I did a really good job.
Just now I was feeling all these feelings.
Just now I was feeling all these feelings.
I was stepping into things I usually avoid.
I was stepping into things I usually avoid.
And I'm really proud of myself.
And I can't allow myself to feel proud of myself.
Even though part of me is saying.
I didn't do enough.
Even though part of me is saying I didn't do enough.
It's not all completely cleared out.
It's not all completely cleared out.
I pat that part on the head.
I pat that part on the head.
And I say, good job for caring so much.
Good job for caring so much.
And it's okay. We did a lot.
And it's okay. We did a lot.
Top of the head. You don't have to go to the gym and lift a hundred pound weight.
You don't have to go to the gym and lift 100 pound weight.
I brought that.
5 pound or 10 pound can do quite a bit.
5 or 10 pound can do quite a bit.
Side of the eye.
And it signals your body to get stronger.
And it does signal your body to get stronger.
Under the eye, I just signal my.
Nervous system to be so much stronger.
I just signal my nervous system to be so much stronger and resilient.
Under the nose, I just did a whole circuit.
I did the whole circuit.
Chin, squat thrusts, push ups.
And don't get me started. Squat, thrust, push ups.
However, I just did a lot of.
Different things I just did a lot of different things.
Under the arm.
And I send soothing and grateful energy to my entire body.
And I send soothing, ungrateful energy to my entire body.
Top of the head. And I thank my brain for taking this journey with me.
I thank my brain for taking this journey with me.
Nice deep breath. Just kind of notice your hip bones and sink into your body a little more. It really is important. This is hard work. And if we don't like kind of say good job, it's hard to get back. But if we say good job this time, it's that much easier the next time. You're training our system to associate clearing and looking at the stuff with really positive affirmations. And then you suddenly, like, when I first started tapping, I was doing that because I was getting so much release, I couldn't wait. I would wake up at four or five in the morning and I would have to come out and tap on some DVDs I had because I was like, this is so good. I'm making such good progress. So if we can appreciate ourselves, that gives us more fuel for going forward.
And I want to say something about rules. I have rules that are really sacred to me. And there are people that don't line up with them and the right level of intimacy and depth and connection with people that it doesn't feel safe for. Certain rules, it's about safety. And in other rules it's about respect. And in other rules it's like, why would I spend time with someone who doesn't. Who doesn't offer that?
I really love that you said explore rather than soften. Because there's some rules that I don't want to change. There's like, if someone's very disrespectful to someone, that's pretty hard and fast rule, like, you'd have to give me a really good reason why you're being disrespectful. I don't know if I'd still follow that. So, like, we get to have rules that are sacred. We get to explore them too and make sure we're not just taking them. A lot of times we just, well, this is how it's always been versus I really looked at this and this is something I'm choosing.
Yes. And the overreaction for me can come because I have a rule and when it's broken, it means something about me that is a negative, a spiral. And all of a sudden now someone else has broken a rule. And maybe it's a rule that I want to explore something different, like I really do on certain ones. And then there are rules that. It used to mean something, like I wasn't important. Well, now it means this person, over the course of two years has shown that they have a reliability level that's about a two. So they say they're going to do something. The reliability level is about a two. That's my. With me in our relationship, that person shows up in my world according to my parameters, at a reliability level of, well, that helps me navigate my world and really doesn't have anything to do with me in the sense of a negative. I'm not important because I do have people that show up at a much higher reliability level. And I show up. I think for some people, I fluctuate too. I'm wanting to point out that as Overreactions have ways that we try to metabolize them and take care of and come back to regulation. And for many of us, where self criticism and self blame is the safe space, right? Like it's my fault. If that's your safe space, then say, oh, I'm reacting and I'm going to my safe space where it's all my fault. Downstream. You can look at that and say, hmm, is that really true?
Yeah. Is that where I want to stay? And I think a lot of times when we're very afraid, we get very rigid. That's one thing. I think a lot of people that are very prejudiced or very rigid in their rules, they're very, very scared and they're trying to hold onto this black and white versus if we're exploring the rules and we're getting to a space where we can go, what's really important to me, wow, this person is always on time. They're actually about 20 minutes late this time. Does that actually mean anything about me? What is coming up for me versus this person is always late and I need to either speak up or set a boundary or stop meeting with them because it's really causing me distress. It's not a reaction. I just don't feel respected. So I love the fact with tapping we can kind of look at this and explore it differently.
Anything else to help us bring this to our circle to a close tonight?
I just really appreciate the energy that's here tonight and I just, I love being able to see some of you tapping along and just nodding your heads like, yep, me too. And I just. Rick, I want to be. I'm so grateful for this circle that you created and brought together such amazing people and created the space where we can all heal and release things. And I just, I believe very strongly that each of these are ripples. And even if we only make a small change, Rick talks about the trajectory changing. If we just one degree change between New York and LA can bring you to a very different place. And each of us being here to mean that we're creating the world we want to live in. We're creating the people and the energy and the reactions. And it's just, it's really beautiful to me. I feel really blessed to be here with each of you. So if you can take that and let that into your heart and know that Rick and I both love the courage that you bring here and let that help maybe melt some of the fear that all of us carry.
Kathy and I can be reached@supportrivingnow.com. we're the only ones that read those messages. If there's something, some wisdom that arises in you, some aspect of this that feels alive and that has come from your life experience, if there's a question that is like one of those questions that we may never fully answer, but it's alive in you around this, we invite you to share that so that we can recirculate and engage and be in this. I want emotional freedom for all. It's the type of thing that will. An intention that will outlive my life on earth. And you all are such a dear and precious part of it. I'm so glad to see people that I haven't seen in a while. I was just thinking of some of you today, which is really a cool synchronicity.
Can I mention the body image quiz? Because I think that's something that when we don't understand where our block are, where our fears are, we can't get reactive. So I'd love for people to test it out. I just finished a body image quiz to help you look at how you actually view your body, your relationship with your body. So if you're interested that, it's theintimacydojo.com body image quiz.
And I'll put that below the intimacy Dojo. D O J O. Put it in the chat image quiz.
It's a free. A free thing you sign up for. And I. I've learned a lot about.
How I view my body and I think that's one place where we do react. And we're talking about doing a whole.
Call on that because it affects so.
Much of how we walk through the world.
But I just thought I'd throw that.
Out there and people could test it out if they want to.
Okay, thank you all.
Thank you.
Thanks, Kathy, so much, so much. Bye Bye, everyone.
Yay.
