Do You Feel Guilty When You Say No To People?
Rick Wilkes and Kathy Vartulli talk about why saying no makes you feel guilty and how tapping can help. They explore emotional boundaries and what healthy communication actually looks like in relationships.
Hey, Rick, would you do something for me?
No. Am I allowed to say that a part of me feels so guilty when I say no?
Do you feel guilty when you say no to people? It's a very common thing. This is Rick Wilkes from thrivingnow.com and I'm Kathy Vartulli from the IntimacyDojo and thrivingnow.com and when you're trying to set boundaries and take care of yourself, put yourself on the list. As we were just talking about, if you have a lot of guilt, and I know I was raised that you never said no to, like, if someone asked you directly, you had to do it. And the only way to, like, avoid that someone was to hint at things. So if I wanted Rick to help me with something, I'm like, I'm having this problem, and, oh, I'm so stressed. But I would never say, hey, Rick, can you help me with something? Because that would obligate him in the world I grew up in, because he wasn't allowed. No one was allowed to say no to anyone. And that's very. That's not a very powerful way to be in the world.
No. And it's a bit like if you got in a car that didn't have any brakes and didn't really have a great steering wheel, it sort of had this wobbly thing that you could hint at where you wanted to go. None of us would want to do that. But emotionally, most people were taught to not navigate their own life, to not feel for what's really a yes for them, and to be able to say no. We have these blocks, these breaks, these emergency breaks that go on that stop us from saying no. It says, well, okay, or something else that is acquiescence will come out. But I will tell you, it is a magical thing when you start developing relationships where you can say no. And that guilt and shaming is not part of the dynamic. The level of heart connection and intimacy goes way up. But you got to take care of that feeling in your body, because it's a feeling. It can actually stop you from actually saying no. You know, I've asked people, I said, how good is your no? And they're silent. And I said, well, okay, would you please clean my car? And detail underneath the seats? And they're like, okay. You can tell that they don't want to. This is not a delight. This is that they really don't have a no. And imagine if that's true for you, even a little bit, then it's very difficult to really feel the joy in saying yes.
Yeah. And I know that. I feel really comfortable. One of the things I love about Rick is I can ask him just about anything. I feel free and safe to ask because I know that he keeps himself on his list. He's going to say no if it's a no for him. He'll say yes if it's a yes. Or he'll say, maybe not that, but how about this? And it's such. It's such a beautiful interaction. It took me a long time to learn how to do this. So if this seems really overwhelming and scary, it's okay. It's baby steps. It's like going to the gym and, like, you can barely lift that one pound weight to say no to a small thing. But then you can start next time. You might be able to lift a 2 or 10. You know, like, he builds up. I actually practiced saying no to my cat for a while. She totally didn't listen. And I also had some friends. I said, I really need to practice my no. Can you ask me a lot of ridiculous questions and I'm just gonna say no and watch you not freak out?
Kathy, would you tattoo Rick is awesome on your forehead?
No.
Kathy, would you give me a million dollars?
No.
Kathy, would you rub my feet for an hour?
No.
See, I didn't die. She said no to me three times. And I don't even really want her to feel terribly guilty about not tattooing my name on her forehead. Even though you are just a little guilty. Just a little guilty. Because, I mean, if I don't have that, like, hook on her, you know what would happen if we didn't hook each other with guilt?
We could actually be friends.
We could.
Yeah.
So we're gonna do some tapping. This is designed to be sort of an introductory step around feeling connected, having boundaries in your body. And as you think about saying no, what happens? What happens in your body? And unless you're really like a superhero at saying no. Like, even for me, if I imagine saying no to someone I care about, There's a hint here, and it used to be like a 9, and now it's like a 3. Where is it in you? Is there heaviness in your chest? Do your eyes kind of go, what happens in your body? Try to say it. No, no, no. No is a complete sentence. You don't have to explain. No, no.
Sometimes when you explain, they try to solve it. I can't take you to the airport at 4 in the morning because my car is in the shop.
Oh, you can drive my car? Yeah. No, just Say no and feel what happens in your. In your body. Would you lead us in some tapping for that feeling of nice, slow, deep breath? I can't say no.
Feel your feet on the floor. Sometimes when we get stressed, we get up here, feel your toes. That helps you get in your body.
You can even pound your feet, Stomp.
Your feet, clap the insides of your wrists.
No, no, no.
Karate chop. Karate chop. Even though I feel horribly guilty when I think of saying no, Even though.
I feel horribly guilty when I think.
Of saying no, doesn't that mean I'm a bad person?
I'm pretty sure that makes me a bad person.
It shows I don't care.
It shows I don't care.
But what if I care about me, too?
What if I care about me, too?
What if I don't want to resent.
My friends what if I don't want.
To resent my friends or my kids or my partner?
Or my kids or my partner? My boss.
My dog.
My dog.
I choose to take better care of myself.
I choose to take better care of.
Myself and develop my no.
And develop my no.
Top of the head. It's like repairing the brakes in my car.
It's like repairing the brakes in my car. My car.
I wrote I don't have to use them 24 7.
I'm not gonna use them all the time.
Side of the eye. But there are times I need to.
There are definitely times I need to.
Use my brakes under the eye. And there's times that I want to.
And there are times that I want to.
Under the nose. I bet I can say no and teach other people that I still care.
I bet I can say no and teach people I still care.
Chin. I'll still say yes to some people sometimes.
I will definitely still say yes to some people sometimes.
Cholera. But I don't need to feel guilty when I say no.
I don't have to feel guilty when I say no.
Under the arm. They taught me to feel guilty when I said no.
They definitely taught me to feel guilty when I say no.
Top of the head. I think that helped them control me.
Yeah, it definitely helped them control me.
Eyebrow. It's tough when little kids say no all the time.
It's tough. Tough when little kids say no.
Side of the eye. The parents and teachers have to fight.
Them the parents and teachers have to.
Fight them under the eye. So they prefer we don't say no.
They definitely prefer that we don't say.
No under the nose. But I'm not a small child anymore.
I am not a Small child anymore.
Chen. I have more choice and experience.
I have more choice and more experience.
Collarbone. And I choose to say no when it's right for me.
And I choose to say no when it is right for me.
Under the arm. I choose to let go of this guilt.
I choose to let go of this guilt.
Top of the head. And embrace my own power.
And embrace my own power.
Take a nice, slow, deep breath. If you have specific events coming up where you remember where it wasn't okay to say no, or someone reacted, or write those down and do some tapping on them because you can clear some of the blocks pretty quickly. And then if someone comes up and asks you, there's not that feeling of resentment or like you want to hide. It's like, okay, let's see what they want. Is it, yes. You know, do you want to go to lunch? Absolutely. Do you want to wash my car? No, I don't.
We could talk about this for hours. And you're going to probably see some more videos from us in the future on this. I will say this, that relationships based upon a trustworthiness, that you have a no. And that you use it with each other and you practice it, if necessary, to kind of keep it all lubricated so that it's easy to say no. It changes how confident you feel because you know, if you invite them to go to a movie, that it will really be a yes. If they say yes versus sitting there.
The whole night knowing they didn't really want to be there.
Yeah, that's a horrible feeling. And you ask them, hey, would you like to go out for pizza? And they go, hmm, no, not for pizza. I'm a yes to spending the evening with you, but are you open to something else, or do you want to find another friend that really wants to go get pizza? I really want to get pizza tonight. How about we get together afterwards to watch the movie? Yeah. What movie are you going to watch? Oh, I'm going to watch this one. Hmm. No, that I've. I've seen the trailer on that. You see how the dynamic changes, and that's what we're really shooting for. Emotional freedom. Emotional freedom includes always the capacity and the safety inside of yourself to be able to say no.
So when someone says, yes, I'd love to go see that movie. You can relax and know they mean it and that you're going because you want it to. It's a beautiful feeling. We want that for you. Please leave comments below. What comes up for you?
Yeah.
