Someone is Always Mean and Judgmental
Kathy Marzulli and Rick Wilkes talk about staying authentic when people judge you. They share techniques like tapping to build emotional resilience and handle criticism without losing yourself.
So, Rick, what do we do when we're trying to be authentic and we notice there's always someone who's mean or judgy or just has really deep expectations about us? It can be really hard to be ourselves in those moments.
It really can. Our primitive brain says, I want to be liked. It's safer to be liked and loved. It doesn't feel as good when people are upset and mean. And there's a part of our, literally our biology that tries to solve that problem. And we have vast capacity to morph ourselves into something else to try to please other people, especially if they have a lot of energy and we're sensitive. So first thing I needed to do, if I was going to be seen doing this work, going from being an engineer where I was like, okay, this is what I do. I do geeky computer stuff. And now I'm going to be doing this weird tapping thing and talking about primitive brains and emotions and sometimes crying on video. And if I was going to be doing all of that, I knew I'd been around. Haven't you been around enough to know that? Always, if you're going to do this, then somebody's going to think, insist and be pissed off that you didn't do.
That or weren't something. I had someone the other day that wrote and told me very frankly that she could never have me as a coach because I'm big. She said, you're fat. I could never trust you to be a coach because you obviously don't use eft. And I'm like, I've used EFT a lot. I learned to love myself. And we had this dialogue going back and forth. I was like, that's great. I'm not your coach. But a few years ago, that would have devastated me. So we can grow through this. This is Rick Wilkes from thrivingnow.com and I'm Kathy Marzulli from the IntimacyDojo and thrivingnow.com and this is a really tough subject.
It is. And I needed for me something that I could be honest with myself about my fears and doubts and concerns and my reactions, because I knew that my reactions were out of proportion to what was going on. And so I needed to have a tool. And that's one of the reasons that tapping was attractive to me. It was advertised as emotional self management. And while it has helped me react in completely different ways, I still react. But I can react from a place where I'm aware that the judgers and the people who need me to be different in order to be happy. It's sort of sad because this is such a vast world. If somebody needs quiet, there are quiet places. The middle of the dance or at the end of the dance, if everyone is toning because that's what has come out spontaneously. The person that is really upset about that, I can feel I can have compassion, but I don't have to. We don't have to always be morphing ourselves for the person who is in the most distress. We can have compassion. Then we don't. You know, the person that objects to how you look. I remember that is not my deal. My mom has always been a big woman. I love my mom. Happy, happy mom, you know, I want her. It's the more important thing for me is that I know that people have different body types and that the core energy I want is for people to be able to walk with resilience, knowing that there are people who are even cruel. We know that, and so we honor that. We would love. Part of our mission in life, ongoing for a decade now, actively engaging together is to help people be seen and be resilient. If you're going to be seen, if you're going to write what is important and dear to you, someone at some point is going to respond. Tune in in this moment to what happens in your body. Think about you sharing something that is important to you and someone rolling their eyes in contempt. Oh, my God, look at that crazy person who she thinks she is.
Yeah.
Now, for me, I still get some reaction now.
One of the things that helped me the most was realizing that it's so much more about them than about me. People who are very afraid or feeling insecure, they listen to authority. Authority says if you watch media and tv, they say that you must be a size, you know, two to six to be okay. And that's constantly bombarded. Whereas I've learned that all human beings, you know, you can be very fit and be bigger. You can be. You don't have to be fit. You can be an amazing person just where you are. You can have amazing wisdom because of the journey you've been through that you would never get another way. And it's all okay. And when we feel safe and loved, we're like, oh, that person's interesting. They don't have to fit all the tick boxes that the local Cosmopolitan magazine says to be wonderful. And so when someone reacts very strongly, I'm like, wow, that person is often. They have really strong beliefs and they're probably really scared and holding on tight to them.
Yeah. So to amplify What Kathy said that to me is the spiritual reality. If you're being yourself, if you're expressing yourself, and the place where you're expressing yourself is a space that is right and good for that. You're welcome to publish whatever you want on YouTube as long as you fit their guidelines. There are other ways for you to host whatever you want, regardless of the range. And if you're hosting it and doing things in a space, if it's your home where the party is, the fact that you serve certain foods and don't serve other foods is perfectly fine. And someone that has an issue with that. But notice I'm touching on these because I want you to feel all of us to feel into our body as we think of that conflict. What happens in your body? I used to get so red that it looked like I was angry, but I actually was in conflict. It was like a war. The part of me that wanted to be true to myself and the part of me that wanted to make this person happy so that they're not upset with me, that they see me as a good person.
Yeah.
And sometimes it's this simple. We use tapping of stimulating these comfort points. I'm okay.
I am okay.
Side of the eye. I have a conflict.
I have a conflict.
I want everyone to be happy.
I want everyone to be happy.
I want everyone to like me.
I want everyone to like me.
And not everyone's going to like me all the time.
Everyone's gonna like me all the time.
And sometimes I get surprised by the people who don't like what I did.
And sometimes I get surprised by the people who don't like what I did.
Under the arm. What if that's okay?
What if that's okay?
I want to feel resilient.
I want to feel resilient.
Eyebrow. I intend to feel more calm and confident.
I intend to feel more calm and confident.
I choose to be calm and confident no matter what.
I choose to be calm and confident no matter what.
Even when I'm not calm and confident.
Even when I'm not calm and confident.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I'm building my resiliency.
I'm building my resiliency.
It's really about them.
It's really about them.
There really isn't a need for contempt.
There really isn't a need for contempt. Top head.
And I'm okay.
And I'm okay.
Deep breath.
That felt good. That's a nice way to start the morning.
Yeah. And acknowledge this is not the complete picture. This is not like it's not like saying, oh, I'm now going to be utterly resilient to all these things. I had to tap on people attacking you on it. I mean, you don't get attacked very often, but when you do, I go like, that's my Cathy. And you were actually really resilient about it. I would see this reply and I'd be like, oh, wow, I had to help close the gap. And that's another thing that we can do. It's one thing to hold a space that is safe and respectful and the spaces that we have. That's true. And also to allow people their resiliency and to let them know that we understand them, that we see them in an accepting way. The more that we create circles of support, the more that we will all be able to know that it's not about taking sides. We can recognize in the circle. Oh, this person is in a place of disharmony, discord. They have a right to their feelings because their feelings. But that doesn't mean that it's about. And that I believe that circle as a geometry helps us to feel more resilient. We feel energy coming from both sides. We feel a part of something.
We never know what's going to hit us hard. It's like the same person can say the exact same thing on two different days. And it's one day it's like, oh, I get that you're in a bad space. And the next day it's like, oh, my gosh, the second day you might have been more tired or you hadn't had lunch or someone else had been mean to you. Or we have tanks and when they get low, things hit harder. Just like we're dropping rocks in, the more the fuller the tank, the gentler the rock lands on the bottom. So there's nothing wrong. Just be gentle with yourself and realize that you can build up these muscles and there's nothing wrong. You can learn how to be resilient.
Yes. And we want to honor and thank you for your courage to even get this far around this difficult subject. A lot of people aren't even ready this much. And so we feel you as part of our circle, as part of community of people who are wanting authentic, conscious ways to relate to others that feel safe and respectful and resilient to the people that aren't there yet. If you have comments or questions, we'd love to hear them. Please write them below. We're also@supportrivingnow.com if you'd like to drop us an email.
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