Choosing Gender Transition: From Lesbian to Man -- A Married Couple Speaks

Hello. Hi there. I'm Ruth.

And I'm Michelle.

And many of you know us already as the co-founders of Conscious Girlfriend. And we stand for helping lesbians and queer women and people in general date wisely and love well. And we have We have some really big news, actually 2 big pieces of news that we want to share with you today that are very personal, vulnerable, but that we feel it's really important to talk about with you, the community of conscious lesbians and queer women that we feel so privileged to be in contact with. Yeah.

Yeah. So the first piece of news is that a culmination of a process for me of self-discovery and self-love and self-understanding has been that I've decided to transition to become— to live my life as a man.

My...

My new name is Maxwell, Max for short. And it's been, it's been, it's a big, it's a big change for me and it's also been a very important one to really come into authenticity, into who I really am and in the world.

And this change has of course been a long, long, long time coming. And I think one of the things that makes it especially challenging is that, of course, this person who you know as Michelle, who, you know, in the future will be known as Max, has identified as a lesbian for, you know, 30-some years.

35, yeah.

And, and, you know, obviously that's part of why together we have built this community for conscious lesbians and queer women. So, in addition to all of the other, you know, changes and challenges that this human being has been going through in figuring out that this is what they need to do, this piece is a really big one of what that means for your relationship to the Conscious Girlfriend community and to the lesbian community.

Yeah, I mean, I have identified as a lesbian for so many years and felt like the lesbian community has been a refuge for me and a safe space. A place where, you know, with lots of friends and lots of connections and also with our, you know, our community. And so leaving it has felt difficult. It's felt like a challenge. And it's also, you know, part of a process that I need to go through. But it's— yeah, it feels— I do feel a loss in that leaving.

Yeah, yeah. And one of the things that we were just talking about before we started filming was that Michelle's decision to transition is really an outgrowth of the stuff that she— they have been teaching during this time in Conscious Girlfriend about self-compassion and about befriending your feelings and about, you know, living authentically and knowing what your vision is and being true to it.

Right. Mm-hmm.

And so even though this change may come as a shocker to some of you, it really is consonant with what Conscious Girlfriend stands for.

Mm-hmm.

And for me, you know, I have to be honest, I have had a lot of mixed feelings about it. You know, I totally— my biggest feeling, and I think from my wisest Is wanting to totally support this human being in living as, as they feel they want and need to live. And I want this person whom I love to be happy, and that's, that's the most important thing. You know, certainly for me personally, there is loss. I fell in love with Michelle. I fell in love with a woman. I am attracted to people of all genders, so I don't have an issue. I tend to prefer women, but I can be attracted to men, so I don't have a— I don't have an issue with that. But this is certainly a really big, big change. And I also am sad about the fact that We feel that this means that we can't do Conscious Girlfriend together anymore.

Mm-hmm.

So basically what we're planning is that I will continue the work of Conscious Girlfriend, since I am continuing to be a lesbian and/or queer woman.

Mm-hmm.

And Max will step aside from the work of teaching, the classes that we've been teaching. As Max, he will still do some behind-the-scenes Conscious Girlfriend work for a while. Eventually we'll probably change that, but for now he does a lot of the technical and admin stuff that I don't know how to do. I'll have to figure out how to outsource. And I know that eventually you also really want to continue to teach consciousness and self-love and self-compassion in other contexts.

I do. I do, definitely. Yeah. And it, you know, that's gonna be a process also for me of rediscovering, rediscovering, you know, who this person is, who Max is, and living into that. But yes, I definitely intend to do some teaching after a while.

And so as that emerges, we will let you all know about that. And for those of you who feel open to working with the person formerly known as Michelle, In the future to be known as Max, in his, in his new self, you'll, you'll have that opportunity.

Mm-hmm.

And we know that you may have all kinds of feelings potentially about this shift in, in Michelle, Max's life and in our relationship. And We've had lots of feelings about it too.

Mm-hmm.

And we still do. So we, we totally get it. And I think that the thing that we keep challenging ourselves to do, and that we also invite you to do, is be present with those feelings and befriend them and recognize where there are triggers for you and, and work with them so that you can make compassionate Wise choices about how to be with the feelings. That's been our work, for sure.

It has been our work.

And the other piece is that, you know, in the process of, you know, what was going on with Michelle, as Michelle, before she realized that that she needed to transition. And then since then, during the process of your realization, we've been also really looking deeply at our relationship and our partnership and our marriage. And, you know, there's a few different things I think that are true.

Mm-hmm.

You know, one is that when we came together, we always said that the commitment that we wanted to have was a commitment to process rather than outcome.

Mm-hmm.

You know, I think as 2 growth-oriented people, it never felt quite right to us to say, you know, till death do us part in this form, because we never knew what changes Right. We might—

What changes might happen in our lives.

Right.

And the ways that our paths might diverge and that sort of thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So our commitment was and has always been to try to treat each other with respect and compassion and kindness and try and celebrate each other's changes even when they moved us in directions that, you know, might not have been what we personally would have wanted. And also to recognize and acknowledge our own changes. Sometimes our own changes move us in directions that might not have been what we would have wanted. And yet, you know, then we're faced with, okay, well, do I honor what's true for me now, or do I honor, you know, what I hoped would be true?

Right.

And yeah. And so I think we, you know, we've always intended to come down on the side of honoring what is true for us now as we change. And so in this process of really looking at, you know, like the things that we teach, you know, the things that we teach women to do, like look at what is your relationship vision and, you know, When you love someone, when you're attracted to someone, when you hope to have a life with someone, you know, what is their relationship vision and how well do those relationship visions line up or not? Because as we've often said, love itself is not enough to, to keep a relationship strong and happy. And that's a very, very painful Painful realization often for many of us when we love someone. We want that love to be enough.

Yeah.

So we, we love each other.

We do. And, and we have also come to realize that we have different visions.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We have, we have different, different needs and different desires around what partnership looks like, what romance looks like, you know, what sex looks like. And I think that as Michelle steps into being Max, you're getting clearer in some ways about what some of your desires and needs are.

Mm-hmm.

And there were ways that, you know, because you were really fully living in a congruent way with yourself before?

I wasn't really clear, as clear.

Yeah.

As I have become.

Yeah, yeah. So I think one of the things is that because this person was sort of living with this sense of dysphoria and incongruence and, you know, within their own body, you know, you've said that you really Like you tried to take on the things that I wanted. Right.

Yes.

And be those ways. And so it's a really, it's a challenging gift now for me to see that as Michelle becomes Max and gets clearer about, you know, like now you're finally feeling more at home in your body, for instance.

Right.

And you're like, okay, these are things I want, these are things I don't want. This is me. This is not me.

Mm-hmm.

It's like I'm really happy for, for this person to get that, to get to have that sense of clarity. And yet it's also been really painful for me because a lot of the things that I thought Michelle wanted and that I thought we both wanted together, Max actually doesn't want in a partnership. And so We've really had to look at the fact that our visions aren't the same. The things that we want now aren't the same. And, you know, if we had had the benefit when we met, if we had had the benefit of Conscious Girlfriend, if we had had the benefit of the work that we subsequently developed, and we had had somebody, you know, reaching out to us and saying like, well, what is your vision? You know, I don't know, maybe we still would have gotten together at that time. Yeah, I'm not sure. Because our visions maybe were more similar then.

Yeah.

But the other night we were talking and we said, you know, if we met on a date now and had the kind of conversation that we encourage you all to have on your dates early on in the process, we would very, very quickly realize that, you know, I think you're really cool.

Yes.

I think you're really cute.

Yeah.

You know, I'm attracted to you and we're not a match.

Right.

Yeah. So this has been a painful but important process. And so we have decided that we are going to transition our relationship as well from being a partnership and marriage to some other kind of close relationship as yet, as yet to be evolved. And, and I, I think I've been clear, but I want to, I want to be sure to be clear that, that this change in our relationship is not because Max is transitioning to male.

Right.

Or Michelle is transitioning to male. It's, it's because of ways that the transition is sort of ushering in and making clear other differences between us.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, you've been really clear about that, about the way that you've been accepting and supportive of me and my process, and that it's not at all about that.

Yeah. And, you know, we know that within the Conscious Girlfriend community there are a range of beliefs and opinions and feelings about the increasing number of lesbians transitioning to male. And you may be someone who thinks that's great and you're totally supportive of it. You may be someone who thinks it's horrible and, you know, wrong and you're totally opposed to it.

Mm-hmm.

And wherever you are on that spectrum, spectrum, you know, we get it. This is not a political decision on Michelle's, Max's part. This is a deeply held personal thing. It's about— yeah. And I think for me this process has really made me realize that I had certain beliefs and opinions and attitudes of my own that That I've had to re-examine in just loving this person and hearing about what's true for them. I have felt like it doesn't really matter what I thought in the abstract. Like, what I want is to show up and be present with what's true.

Mm-hmm.

Be present with what's true for you.

Mm-hmm.

And be present with what's true for them. That's true for me. And so in that way, even though this is not a video that we had hoped or intended to be making when we started Conscious Girlfriend 4 years ago, we do feel like it is very much in keeping with the things that we teach.

Yeah, I mean, I think it's, it's the tools that we have learned and acquired and And teach, and also, you know, honed and improved as we taught. You know, I think it's impossible to teach something so intensely for so long and not actually have it rub off, right?

Mm-hmm.

And so it's like we kept— we also kept getting better at it and kept practicing. And I think it's those tools that allowed us— allowed me to come to this place of knowing what I need and allowed us to go through this process in a way that was graceful and loving and compassionate. And so yeah, I think it's very much in keeping.

Yeah. And you know, we have often talked about the Conscious Girlfriend work helping women to find lasting, happy, healthy love. Because we know that so many women want to find a forever partner. And, you know, in many ways we wanted that too. And yet I think even more important to me than lasting love, or lasting love in a particular form, because I believe that we will have lasting love.

Yes.

But I think the most important thing is to To just keep showing up. To keep showing up for ourselves and for each other.

Yes.

In a conscious way. And so we intend to keep trying to help people do that. And I will keep trying to help women do that through the work of Conscious Girlfriend and also the other things that I do. And if you have questions or input about this, these changes, both of these big changes that we're going through, we certainly are happy to dialogue with you about them. We're happy to try to answer many questions that you may have. Questions you have. You know, if you ask some questions that feel too personal, We will, we'll tell you that.

Mm-hmm.

But we, we do want to be here for you in this process. And, and we also want you to know that, that this is vulnerable.

Mm-hmm.

And so, you know, for, for Max, Michelle becoming Max, if you have messages of support that you would like to send, I know that those would be especially welcome.

Mm-hmm. Yes, it would be.

And, um, yeah, and we, we, um, we appreciate you. We appreciate you, uh, your caring about us, and we appreciate your caring about yourself and about other women in the lesbian and queer community. Um, and, and your desire, the desire that is probably fueling your watching this video right now to have a happier, healthier, more conscious life and more conscious love in your life. We, we so appreciate that and celebrate that.

Mm-hmm.

And also your desire to be as fully yourself as you can be and to accept yourself fully and to be in connection with other people that can really see you as And accept you fully. Because that is totally what we value and what we still value, what we still stand for.

Yes.

So, so we thought we would close this video with a practice that many of you may have learned from us already. We, we were doing some Metta prayer with each other before we started filming. Which is probably why I'm— why I've been so close to tears. And it's been a really powerful practice, particularly in your life.

Yes.

Do you want to talk about that at all?

I mean, I think a lot of you have already heard how transformational that particular practice and the particular focus on self-love and self-compassion has been in my life. And this particular practice of metta has actually been proven to really change people's brains. And it definitely has changed mine. There's no question of that. So we feel like it'd be good to end with that.

Yeah. And it's a Buddhist-based practice that we have written some different wording for, for the Conscious Girlfriend community. So should we say it to each other first?

Yeah.

May you be happy.

May you know your true worth.

May you know that you are lovable.

May you love and be loved with ease.

May you love and be loved with ease too. And for everybody watching this, we offer these same blessings and we encourage you to, to offer them to yourself. May you be happy.

May you know your true worth.

May you know that you are lovable.

May you love and be loved with ease.

Let's say it for all of us now. May we be happy.

May we know our true worth.

May we know that Knowing that we are lovable, may we love and be loved with ease. Thanks for watching.

Bye for now.