In this personal monologue, the speaker recounts two deeply painful lesbian relationships that occurred about twenty years apart, both marked by intense love followed by sudden breakups and confusing push‑pull dynamics. She describes how the first breakup left her devastated and bewildered, while the second, occurring after she had learned about attachment theory, led her to mistakenly try to "heal" her partner by being consistently present, which only increased pressure and pushed the partner away. The speaker identifies these patterns as common among lesbians, attributing them to underlying attachment wounds that often drive conflict and breakups. She reflects on the lessons learned—recognizing early signs, understanding that trying to fix a partner’s attachment issues can be counterproductive, and the need for healthier communication. The talk culminates in an invitation to a forthcoming five‑part "Lesbian Attachment and Communication Healing" intensive, which aims to teach tools for navigating, repairing, or preventing such painful dynamics. She cites past class feedback that such training should be required for lesbians, emphasizing that attachment wound collisions are a leading cause of queer relationship fights and breakups, and that empowerment through knowledge and skills can change this.
Chapters
So I want to tell you a story about 2 of the most painful chapters in my lesbian love life over the last 40-plus years. They happened about 20 years apart, and both of them were so confusing and painful that it has taken me many years to be able to actually understand what was going on and harvest the lessons and the healing. And, and also Just feel whole again so that I can live and love without fear that those things will happen again, because they were devastating, shattering. So the first time, I was in my late 30s. I was madly in love with a woman who was also madly in love with me. We started having some hard times, which I didn't really understand, but Our connection was incredibly strong. I thought we were going to be together forever. I didn't really have a clue at that point in my life what that actually took. But she broke up with me long distance out of the blue. We had been living fairly close together, and then she was doing an internship in another state. I went out and visited with her. We had a good time, I thought, and a few weeks later she broke up with me. By phone. And I was like, what the fuck? I was hurt like I've never been hurt. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. And I couldn't make any sense of it. So somehow I got through that period. A couple months later, I saw her. Guess what happened? We reconnected, right? We started Sleeping together and spending time together. And pretty soon it felt exactly the way that it had when we were girlfriends, except that she now said we were not girlfriends. And in order to have this girlfriend-like relationship experience with her, I had to accept that we were not together. Okay, crazy-making, right? But because I was so madly in love with her, I did it. And then a couple months later, guess what? She decided to reunite with an ex, and I wasn't supposed to have any feelings about it because after all, we had not been together. Okay, so are there any aspects of this story that you recognize? I had no idea at the time, but this is actually a fairly common story between lesbians. Now, later, 20-plus years later, I was in a relationship where something kind of similar played out. Once again, we were madly mutually in love. This woman told me that she thought ours was the love of a lifetime. I agreed. And then a few months later, she broke up with me. And then we spent several months getting together weekly, lying in each other's arms, Talking through things, I thought we were rebuilding our relationship. But after several months of this, she said no, we could never be together again. Once again, the level of pain that I experienced was so off the charts. But here's the important thing: I didn't understand right now that this is a common thing that happens between lesbians. I didn't understand why this woman I loved so much, who loved me so. So much was doing and saying these things. And so I didn't know what to do with it inside. I didn't know how I could ever date or love again, how I could ever trust again. This is really hard stuff. I don't have all the answers, but what I do want you to know is that this is a common dynamic. It's a common pattern. And Understanding what I do now, I could have seen the signs a long way off, and I could have taken steps and actions both to protect my heart and to protect the relationship. I don't know for sure if either of those relationships could have worked out, honestly, because both of those women, wonderful as they were in many ways, had a lot of deep attachment pain and conflict. I thought with the second one, because I was more sophisticated at that point. I thought that our relationship could heal her into secure attachment. With the first one, I just didn't know what hit me or her or us. But with the second one, I had a— I understood it was attachment. And I thought that if I just kept showing up consistently and steadily and lovingly, it would heal her. What I now understand is It actually pushed her away. It actually increased the pressure inside of her. That's tragic, right? But I do want to say that there are tools that I'm going to be teaching in my upcoming 5-part intensive Lesbian Attachment and Communication Healing that will help you whether you're in one of these kinds of crazy-making, confusing, painful, heartbreaking situations Or whether you're trying to put your heart back together in the aftermath of one of those situations, or whether you're looking toward the future and trying to understand how you can prevent one of these situations in the future. Or maybe you're in a relationship that has not fallen apart, but you feel the strain and you want to not just glue it back together in the short term, but really get down to the root of what causes these painful push-pull dynamics that destroy our love. That's what the 5-Part Attachment Healing and Communication Intensive will help you do. The last time I taught a class like this, it was slightly different. It was 4 weeks. It was just focused on attachment. It was 2 years ago, but a number of the participants basically said This should be required for all lesbians. It's that important because attachment wound collisions are the number one cause of lesbian and queer fights and breakups, and it doesn't have to be this way. We can empower ourselves. You can empower yourself with the knowledge and skills you need. I do see now things I could have done differently in both of those relationships. Which would have helped a lot, helped me, and maybe even helped the relationship, or helped me navigate out of the relationship far sooner if that was necessary. So I want to make sure you get all this information too. So I hope to see you in the Lesbian Attachment and Communication Intensive.
