In this candid, conversational video, two speakers (A and B) explore the pitfalls that often turn early‑stage lesbian relationships into chaotic, “train‑wreck” scenarios. They begin by describing how, when a new attraction sparks, one partner may immediately project their own attachment wounds onto the other, creating overwhelming expectations. Speaker B explains a tendency to step back or end things quickly when feeling pressured, while Speaker A probes the dynamics of rapid emotional investment. The dialogue introduces the concept of “calibration” or “titration” – deliberately slowing down, questioning what is being projected, and recognizing that true knowledge of a partner takes time. They discuss sexual escalation, noting that once intimacy occurs, emotions can intensify and lead to a sense of responsibility that feels too heavy, often prompting a shutdown. The speakers contrast experiences of being the one who moves quickly versus the one who feels overwhelmed, illustrating how mismatched pacing can cause hurt on both sides. The conversation then shifts to grounding techniques: maintaining personal distance, staying connected to friends, family, and personal projects, and using meditation to stay in reality. They stress the importance of “learning to love reality” and avoiding fantasy‑building when a relationship is still new. Communication habits are examined – reciprocal texting, matching energy, and the danger of over‑communication that can feel suffocating. Throughout, Speaker A references the “Conscious Girlfriend Academy,” a teaching framework that addresses these early‑relationship challenges, emphasizing the delicate balance between chemical attraction and protective mechanisms. The speakers conclude that while some mismatches are inevitable, intentional pacing, clear boundaries, and grounded self‑care can prevent the relationship from becoming a high‑speed collision.
Chapters
So we were just talking about this thing that happens.
Yeah.
When, when you just start— 2 people just start liking each other, and then one of them goes like, you are the one! Congratulations! It's your lucky day! I love you, and therefore I'm going to project all of my attachment wounds onto you.
Usually that has an effect on me of causing me to step back, and I usually just end it right away.
What happens?
Even if I like them. Inside, I just feel, I just feel like overwhelmed, and like I know it's not about me, and that doesn't— I can't really sink into Getting to know them because they're already projecting all this stuff onto me. And then I, I know that that's what they're doing. And then I'm like, I usually just want to get away.
Has anybody gotten really mad at you or like apologized to you when you did that?
Yeah. And I think that, you know, it hurts their feelings, but I'm usually Really fast to just like, okay, I don't feel the same way about you. You know, this is this is over. I I just don't like the responsibility of their feelings, and I don't want to hurt anybody. And I think that's really what's the most important thing is for me. I feel like it's a bandaid. I'm just going to rip that bandaid off ASAP and get rid of that because I don't want to hurt them any further. If they're that invested and I'm not feeling the same way, which I wouldn't feel that way until. No, more invested, more time.
You wouldn't feel that way that fast.
I would never feel that way that fast, because I just don't feel that way that fast. And so—
Really? Haven't you ever met somebody and then like really liked them right away?
I have. I mean, there are cases where I have felt really into someone, but I try to, I try to hold back. Mm-hmm.
How do you do that inside? Because we talk about that a lot in the classes, like I call it calibration. Yeah. Or titration. What does it feel like?
Well, I think the biggest thing is, you know, what am I projecting onto them? Do I really know them? You know, taking time to like get to know them. And just seeing, you know, kind of just, I just say to myself, I don't really know this person yet. You know, I might be excited, and I might be into them. But, but I don't really know them. Yeah, and it does take time, and so I just say that to myself.
And you mostly, you haven't gone to bed with those people?
No, I do not. I do not go to— if I was into someone, I would. If I was into them, I would. If I felt that way and they felt that way and it was a match, then I would. I have, and that does cause problems.
Like what?
Well, I get attached. Yeah, and then they— okay, like, so in the case of somebody doing that—
You might be on the other side of that then, because if you've gone to bed with them—
Then I can start getting hurt, and then I have to deal with the pain, like, oh my gosh, like, this person doesn't feel the same way about me that I feel about them. And I'm really into— if we've gone to bed and I've slept with a person, I'm usually like, it escalates. And then I'm in trouble. That's not a good situation for me. But if I'm ambiguous at all and they're really into me, it could have been that something could have grown. You know, like if they had slowed down. But if they're coming at me like a train and I'm not feeling the exact same way, which I honestly don't typically feel the same way if someone's coming at me like a train. So, I don't, because I just, that just sort of, the sense of responsibility just is too much. And I start to really, you know, hey, I'm living my life. I've got my thing going on. I'm not ready to marry this person, you know, like I'm not ready to carry the responsibility of this person's feelings yet.
So what about on the other side of it, when, like after you've slept with somebody, do you feel like then you start going like a train?
I do inside, but I'm I'm really careful not to fantasize. I have a saying, learn to love reality. Reality, stay in reality, stay in reality, learn to love reality. And I just try to remember, like, what's reality? Reality is that I just met this person 4 weeks ago. Reality is that I don't quite know them yet over the long haul. And I always think it takes, you know, to really know someone—
4 years ago? Are you not really a lesbian? Aren't we supposed to U-Haul on the second date?
Well, I mean, I'm not saying that.
Play me your lesbian card.
I, I'm not saying I don't do that stuff, but if I do it, I kind of do stay— I try to stay a little bit like, this is a risk. It's okay, but you know, it could go sour. And you really don't— I don't think you know someone until you've had a major fight and you've done the 4 seasons. You know, you've done the 4 seasons, you have a major disagreement, then you kind of get to know. The person anymore.
So this is this huge challenge that I'm always teaching about in Conscious Girlfriend Academy because it's exactly what you're talking about. And I've also been on both sides. And what has typically happened for me is that there's something really mutual. We're both there.
We're both really into each other. Yeah, that's a tricky one.
We do start being sexual. We do start being girlfriends. And then some of the time the other has really grabbed on. Like this one time where this woman, like after 2 weeks, she said, we have to talk on the phone at least an hour a day, and I have to be able to feel you thinking about me when we're not talking on the phone.
If somebody said that to me, it might shut me down.
It did. It did shut me down. So, but then on the other side of it, I've also been the one where everything is great, and there was one time where I was in a situation where I had to move anyway, and this woman was like an hour and a half away from me, and I was like, oh, well, let me just rent a place near you instead of, you know, several hours away from you, just so we can get to know each other better. And for me, I was not assuming that the relationship would go forward, but for her, that shut her down in exactly the way that we're talking about now.
Yeah, for that, I mean, I think open and honest conversations, as long as I felt like they were doing it for them, then that might not shut me down. But if somebody is really, really over the top into me and I'm not there, then that is gonna shut me down. And if I am there and they're like that, then it can sometimes cause me to, you know, it can sometimes cause me to shut down because I get overwhelmed.
So it's just such a delicate dance at first when we're getting to know each other and And I mean, so often in lesbian relationships there's so much that starts chemically happening, all these bonding hormones, but then we also have all of our protective mechanisms. And so it can be a wild ride at first where it's like, okay, are you gonna glom on too much? Am I gonna glom on too much? Or are we both gonna somehow, in this incredible chemical rush, somehow each stay grounded and keep getting to know each other.
I have seen it where I've been really into somebody and I haven't said anything like, I love you, and all that, but I've just wanted to be with them. Hey, what are you doing this weekend? You know, what are you doing? And, um—
And you've been like texting them every day.
Yeah, like, like I try to— I mean, I try— another rule I have is reciprocal. I try to match energy. And, but, but maybe I'm like reciprocal to like, they text me, I text back.
Right away.
Right away. And I'm not good at hiding my feelings. So if it's like, it might be like obvious. And that has, that has had a sense like people start to feel, you know, they can feel overwhelmed by it. And then in that case, I think it's just, you know, typically That doesn't work.
Yeah, it's really sad when, as you're saying, something could have worked.
Could have, maybe could have.
But because one person just gets on that train too fast, then it just wrecks it.
Yeah.
And of course, some of the time it also wouldn't be workable no matter what, but then it just gets like a, you know, the head-on collision at a higher speed.
Yeah, I think, you know, staying grounded, you know, making sure I'm doing my life, you know, what's my life, staying connected with my family, my friends, doing the things that I want to do. If I was getting ready to go on a trip or I was thinking about it, keep going on that trip, stuff like that. And I find that distance Helps a lot.
I thought distance made the heart grow fonder.
I think for me, distance grounds me. Distance reminds me of who I was before I met this person.
Well, and part of the thing is what you do when you have that distance. Because I have been this person in the past, and I've also seen people be this person where, you know, sure, we're not seeing each other, maybe we're not even talking, for a few days, but all I'm doing is thinking about the person, I'm journaling about them, I'm talking to my friends about them, I'm like Googling them, you know, or like I'm, you know, rereading their texts to me.
I try not to do that because I've done that in the past, and one of the things that I had a situation of before was that I was creating kind of an unreality Like, I was creating this, like, fantasy life. And what I realized is that I need to, you know, I wasn't with that. I don't want to think about someone I'm not actually with a lot. You know, if I'm not with them, I'm not going to think about them. And this is just, it's really hard. And it's, I mean, I think, I do think doing meditation helps a lot.
And you wouldn't be, like, staying up late at night texting somebody for hours?
I would, I would, I would do all that. I would.
I remember.
Yes, I would do all that. I'm not saying I wouldn't do that, but I do remember trying to pace myself with you, you know, like wait a little while. And I think we were on like a, um, we were definitely on a once a day. We were definitely like, you would, we would send each other Don't you remember?
I remember it being a little bit more than once a day.
I guess there's the reality and then there's—
Here we are. So we haven't crashed and burned.
Yeah, I would—
Or at least we didn't crash and burn up. Maybe we had a little crash every now and then.
Yeah, but I, I do think I would, I would, I'm sure that with you I did try to stay in reality, and I'm sure that I tried to be present, like if I was with other people or something.
You know, as you're talking, I keep thinking, like, why is it that I'm teaching Conscious Girlfriend instead of you? Okay, that's all for today.
