In this solo YouTube talk, Ruth Schwartz, director of the Conscious Girlfriend Academy, clarifies misconceptions lesbians may have about dating bisexual or pansexual women. She emphasizes that sexual orientation labels (lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, queer) do not determine a person’s suitability as a partner; instead, underlying needs and relationship preferences—such as being out, monogamous, or polyamorous—matter. Schwartz debunks the myth that bisexual or pansexual women cannot be monogamous, explaining that monogamy is a personal choice unrelated to orientation. She also challenges assumptions that bisexual/pansexual women pose higher STD risk, noting that sexual behavior, not label, determines risk. Drawing on her own 40‑year history as a pansexual woman who is out and primarily homoromantic, she illustrates how labels can be misleading. Throughout, she advises listeners to ask concrete questions about a potential partner’s relationship goals, monogamy expectations, and values rather than relying on categories. The video concludes with a call to explore resources and classes at ConsciousGirlfriendAcademy.com for women who love women.
Chapters
Hey everybody, I stirred up some feelings with my video yesterday titled Should Lesbians Date Bisexual Women? So I figured I better come back on and make a few things even clearer than I did yesterday. I think you'll get this if you watch that video, but just in case you don't, um, Let me tell you, first of all, I'm Ruth Schwartz. I'm the director of the Conscious Girlfriend Academy, which is the leading global resource for lesbians and queer women and bisexual women and pansexual women, all women who love women or want to. In the Conscious Girlfriend Academy, we provide dating, love, and sexuality classes and support to help all of us women who love women have the happy, healthy, Dating and love and sex lives that we want and deserve. So in the video, I talked about some reasons why I've heard some lesbians express fear about dating bisexual or pansexual women, and I also talked about how incredibly painful that is for the bi or pan women. If you watch my video number 2 in that series, you will also learn, by the way, that I am a pansexual woman. I always have been and I always will be. But I didn't disclose that in the first video, and I think that that perhaps was a mistake, because really what I want to say here is It is not somebody's official sexual orientation label, if she even has one, or if they have one, or if he has one, or whatever their gender is. That's not the thing that actually makes somebody a good bet or a bad bet for your heart. What I was trying to tease out in that video is that We all do want to and should look for people who have to give what we want to receive in a relationship. And so, for instance, if you are an out lesbian, all your friends and family know, you're not in the closet at work, you may well want to date someone else who is also out. Now, Some lesbians are not out, right? And some bisexual and queer and pansexual women are totally out. So it's not about the label, it's about the need underneath. Um, if you are a lesbian or whatever you are, however you identify, you may want to date someone who is willing and, and wants to have a monogamous relationship with you. You might be a polyamorous lesbian, but let me speak right now to the, to the monogamous among our community. Some lesbians fear that if someone is bisexual, she can't be monogamous. Oh, not true. Just not true. And I can tell you that for myself as a person who has the capacity to be attracted to people of any gender. It has nothing to do with whether I want and am able to be monogamous. I like to go really deep with people, and so I like to go deep with one person at a time. Some lesbians commit to monogamy and don't uphold it. Some bisexual women or pansexual women undoubtedly commit to monogamy and then cheat. But to think that because someone is bisexual, she won't be able to be in a monogamous relationship with a woman, it isn't true. So if monogamy is important to you, you need to look for a partner who wants and is capable of monogamy, again, regardless of what label she puts on her sexual orientation. So another fear that I've heard some lesbians express is that, you know, if someone is bisexual, and this kind of ties along with the monogamy thing, you know, if she's bisexual, would she be frustrated by only getting to be with a woman? That's something to ask her about, right? If you're dating or considering dating a bisexual woman. So Maybe there are some bisexual women that need to have partners of both genders or various genders in their life all the time. Lucky them if they can find it, right? If they can find that per— those special people with whom they connect and feel safe and line up and are compatible in all the other ways, and they've got multiple genders going on. I take my hat off to them. But for many of us, it's hard enough to find one person that we really line up with. And that's why I think many of us choose to be monogamous, both because, you know, it's hard enough to find that one person, and also because for most of us, or for many of us, being polyamorous and navigating Dating different people, having emotional involvement, sexual involvements with different people, having a partner or multiple partners that are all doing the same thing. It can get pretty complicated. So that's a reason why many, many bisexual and pansexual women, as well as many lesbians, choose to date and be sexually involved with only one person at a time. Now, of course, some people who are officially monogamous end up cheating, having affairs, it, it's not usually about the sexual orientation. It can be about other things. It can be about, you know, perhaps sexual incompatibility or frustration, or emotional incompatibility or frustration, or a need for adventure, need for novelty. It can be about all kinds of other needs. But again, there is not a one-to-one correlation at all. In fact, I don't actually believe there's any correlation between monogamy and having a lesbian versus bisexual or pansexual identity. There's not any correlation between willingness and ability to commit, willingness and ability to go deep, willingness and ability to work through the emotional stuff that comes up between, you know, a lesbian versus a bisexual or pansexual or queer woman. Um, so when you are looking for a partner, whether you However you identify, what I always suggest is that you drill down and look more deeply at what are the fears that come up. If you find yourself saying, I just don't think I can date people in XYZ category, whatever the category might be, what are you assuming goes with that category? You know, for instance, I've heard lesbians say, well, I don't want to date bisexual women because I'm concerned about STD risk. Okay, so in that case, you're assuming that because somebody's bisexual, that means she's actively having sex with multiple partners. Not necessarily the case. Somebody could be bisexual and have been celibate for years, or, you know, only having safe sex, just like a lesbian could be. And by the way, I know you know this, but just as a reminder, the labels that we choose also don't even necessarily correspond with what we're actually doing. So for instance, there could be bisexual women who only have relationships with women. They identify as bisexual or pansexual because they know they have the capacity to be attracted to people of other genders, but they choose to just be with women. On the other hand, there are women that identify as lesbians that choose to have sex with men sometimes, or choose to have sex with people of various genders. So what I'm really in favor of here, and I apologize if my first video didn't make that clear enough, is teasing apart the layers so that, you know, as I said in that video, If you're a lesbian and you want to be with a partner who is out and who wants to be monogamous and who is able to commit to potentially, if all the other factors line up, commit to a life with you as her female partner, you need to look for that. Whether that comes in a package who calls herself lesbian, a package who calls herself bisexual, pansexual, queer, Identify what actually matters to you, and then check out with the other person that you're interested in or potentially interested in how she lines up with that. So, for instance, for me as a pansexual woman, I'm sixty. I've been out and having relationships with women for the last. 40 years. In the last 40 years, I have had one 1-year relationship with a man, and I've had, I don't know, 25 years worth of relationships with women or more. I haven't added it up recently, um, probably more. Um, so for me, what I would say is I'm pansexual. Sexually I can be attracted to people of various different genders does not mean, by the way, don't think that pansexual means somebody is attracted to everybody. I am very discerning and particular. It just means that I can potentially be sexually attracted to people with various different genitalia and gender expressions. I also find though that I tend to be Largely, not 100% because there was that one man in there, but probably at least 95% homoromantic, which means that I fall in love with women. I came out 40 years ago. I am one of the most out people in the world, probably, since I run the Conscious Girlfriend Academy. So in my case, nobody could think that my pansexuality meant that I was not willing to be out of the closet. So if you were 100% identified as a lesbian, would it be a good idea for you to date me? You know, I think— well, at the moment I'm taken, I'm in a relationship and hope to stay that way with an amazing, amazing, amazing woman. Um, but my hope is that, you know, If you were someday to consider dating me or someone like me, that you would really look beyond the label and ask yourself, what is it that matters to you? Do those same things matter to me? Um, and again, I, I suggest that you do that regardless of what label someone uses, because the label itself actually never Gives you enough information. Okay, I hope I've made myself clearer in this video. Again, I'm the director of Conscious Girlfriend Academy. You can find us at consciousgirlfriendacademy.com. Tons of classes, tons of resources there for all women who love women or want to, to help you have the joyful and fulfilling and healthy and happy dating and love and sex life that you want and deserve. Thanks for being here.
