Lesbian Relationship Mystery Story #2: WHY does this happen?? WTF?!

So attachment mystery story number 2. I was in a relationship that was long distance. This person and I had known each other about 9 months. I had spent a month in her area in the summer, and then I went back for another month in her, her area in the winter because I was the one that had flexibility to work from different places. She had a job she needed to be at. And our last day together was really sweet. We'd had some challenges, definitely some intense challenges over that month, but I thought we had worked them through. And our last day together, we went to a duck pond and we sat on a bench and people watched and watched the ducks and hugged and kissed and laughed and talked about silly little things, and I already started thinking, hey, I'll come back here in another few months for another month. You know, it feels like this is basically going well. So I got on my plane, I got home, I texted her, I'm home. It was late by that But I figured we'd talk on the phone by the next day. And the next day came, and she texted a few times, but she kind of made it clear she didn't want to talk on the phone. And that was unusual because when we were courting, by the way, she would call me every single day and we would talk for hours. That was not my usual pattern. It was actually Kind of too much for me, but I really liked her, so I let her set the pace. Big, big, big mistake. But anyway, so she was very much varying her own previous pattern now, and I was feeling it. So day after that, you know, my second full day home, again some texting back and forth. I suggested in text, hey, can we talk later? She was kind of vague and evasive. Okay, that night I went out grocery shopping. I ended up calling her. I was crying. There were tears running down my cheeks. And she said, you know, you're gonna be just fine. You're, you're gonna find somebody else. You're the kind of person that does that. And I was like, what? We were just together. We just spent this month together. We just had this beautiful day together. I don't want to find somebody else. I want to be with you. Insert name into sentence. Um, so we hung up completely. Things were not clear between us. A couple more days back and forth of texting, very evasive. Uh, then we got on the phone and she said a whole bunch of really hurtful things in a harsh way. And now, you know, I think it's really, really important to take responsibility for our own feelings. And I actually struggle with the word hurtful used as an adjective. You know, we don't have control when we speak of how the other person on the other side is going to take In what we say, but in this case, well, let me tell you the most painful thing she said to me. She said that for her, our sex life had been a shit show. That was a pretty painful thing to hear, and wow, did it push me away big time. Big, big, big time. Okay, so if you know anything about attachment, you're not going to be too surprised to know that in the weeks and even the several months that followed that conversation, there were a number of swings back and forth that happened between us. And when I got pushed away, as I did that day, and really pulled back into myself because I certainly didn't want to be with somebody that felt that way about our sexual connection, and I was very angry and upset that she hadn't told me while we were together that she felt that way, because I had initiated many conversations trying to, to further understand and develop and improve our sexual connection. Um, but as I pulled back Guess what happened? She would come forward and she'd be texting and she'd be wanting to talk on the phone and she'd be writing long emails about how she missed me. And the first few times that happened, I would think, well, I— there's so much I like about her. Okay, maybe she's had a change of heart. Maybe we really could work on it. And guess what? As soon as I would start to come toward her again with, with that kind of hopefulness and openness, she would pull back, and I would get really hurt all over again. But having had that happen a few times, I wised up. The last time it happened between us, she told me that she had been starting to think about coming out to visit me for a month, and would I like that? And I said, well, I don't know. And she said, well, I, I just want to come and be with you, and, you know, just have you And no expectations, no definitions. And I was like, okay, this is not sounding so good. But by the end of the conversation, I was like, okay, maybe. And then she texted me that day or the next day and said, but you know, when I make plans, I always reserve the right to cancel them at the last minute. And that was when I got it. So if you have ever been in a push-pull dynamic like this, first of all, I have your complete compassion. Wait, I hope I do have your complete compassion. What I meant to say was you have my complete compassion. Um, And what I also want to say is the woman with whom I did this very, very painful dance was a beautiful woman. And I'm— I mean, she was cute, but I'm not talking about physically beautiful. She was a beautiful deep soul. She was a wounded soul. She had a fucked up childhood. She'd had some fucked up previous relationships. She had a lot of pain and grief in her life. She was not a narcissist. She was not a mean person. She was not a cruel person. She did not intend to hurt me. Boy, did she cause a lot of hurt, because boy, did she give me a lot of mixed messages back and forth. And boy, did I go for it over and over and over until I stopped. One thing I like to say is, if you don't want to be her yo-yo anymore, you got to cut the string. So I cut the string. This was years ago. I now understand so much that I didn't know then about attachment and attachment in lesbian relationships in particular. And that's why I'm super excited to be teaching a class on lesbian attachment. Healing, which will help you if you've ever been anywhere within remote distance of any of these kinds of dynamics. You need this class because it's going to give you so much more understanding and so much more strength. Like I do thank God I had the strength to back out of that relationship when I did, and honestly, I should have backed out of it many months. before. Not because she was a bad person, but because this was the way she did attachment, and there were signs of it much earlier, and I didn't know what I was dealing with, so I kept going along with it. I want to give you the strength to back out when you need to. I also want to give you the strength to heal. So whether you've been in a relationship like this and you're still reeling, whether you've been the person to whom someone else gave incredibly painful series of mixed messages, or whether you've been the person— I should say, and/or whether you've been the person that knows you've given painful mixed messages to someone else— healing is available. And that's why I'm super excited to be teaching What I think might be the first ever in history 4-week class for lesbians, queer women, adjacent non-binary people who love women, about lesbian attachment healing. I hope to see you in the class.