In this monologue, Ruth Schwartz, director of the Conscious Girlfriend Academy, introduces the concept of "lesbian attachment" as a psychological bonding process essential to queer women and non‑binary people. She explains how attachment can become dysregulated when individuals become overly attached early in a connection, leading to anxiety‑driven thoughts about how to secure the other person’s interest (e.g., questioning texting frequency, appearance, trustworthiness). Schwartz describes the common hot‑cold or push‑pull dynamic, noting that many lesbians are drawn to intermittent reinforcement—feeling more attracted when the partner is partially unavailable. She highlights that such patterns often stem from earlier wounds, producing "raw‑nerve" pain that resurfaces in new relationships. The talk outlines how to recognize these attachment triggers, practice self‑soothing, maintain equanimity, and communicate needs clearly, emphasizing that these skills are especially needed because mainstream attachment literature overlooks the unique ways lesbians and queer women experience these dynamics. Schwartz promotes an upcoming "Lesbian Attachment Healing" class that will teach participants how to understand their own and others’ attachment patterns, manage internal distress, and foster healthier, happier queer love.
Chapters
So I want to share with you a simple principle about lesbian attachment which can save your heart, and then we can talk about why it sounds simple but it's not always easy, right? But I'm Ruth Schwartz. I'm the director of Conscious Girlfriend Academy, and I'm going to teach an upcoming class on lesbian attachment healing So first, let's talk about what is attachment. Some spiritual teachers talk about how it's best to stay non-attached, but when I'm using the term lesbian attachment healing, I'm using it in a psychological sense. And psychology knows that attachment is normal and healthy and necessary part of our wiring, part of what we're here to do, uh, because when I'm using the term in that sense, attachment means bonding. We are here to bond. We are here to love and be loved. And if you're a lesbian or queer person, you are here to love and be loved by other women or non-binary people. So where we run into trouble is that when you're not attached, if you're, let's say, just getting to know somebody, whether it's as a friend or as a date or as someone you might want to date, if you see she's not interested, you won't be interested either. Because why would you want to be with somebody who didn't want to be with you? Nobody really wants that. We want to love and be loved. We want mutuality. But once we start getting attached, and some of us get attached super fast, Like just exchanging a few texts with somebody, we start getting attached. And then the other person lets you know she wants less, or she doesn't want to keep seeing you, or she only wants a little bit of contact, or maybe she's kind of ambiguous about how much she wants. If you are attached, you may start going into all kinds of contortions and You know, even manipulations where you're like, how can I get her to give me what I want here? What is it that I did wrong? How can I convince her I'm trustworthy? How can I convince her that, you know, I'm not like her abusive parent or ex or whatever, and she should be with me? How can I convince her that this are these are her attachment issues coming up that are making her back away? How can I make myself more attractive to her? What is it I need to do? What is it I need to text? How long do I need to wait between texts? Is my house clean enough? Am I wearing the right clothes? Etc., etc. This kind of thinking, if you've ever been in it, and believe me, I have, so I'm speaking from complete compassion here. But this kind of thinking is a sign of your attachment system gone awry. Because if you are just in the process of getting to know somebody, figuring out if you're going to date, just starting to date, figuring out if you're going to be girlfriends, and, and that person seems to not be very interested, your response should also be to get less interested. Now, what if you felt a really amazing connection with her? Okay, that's where a lot of us get snagged, and oftentimes we start getting attached because of the connection. Well, what does this word connection mean, and what leads you to feel it? That's a really important topic of inquiry for many of us, because tragically, some of us are most likely to feel that alluring sense of connection and attraction when we're getting at least some messages from the other person that they're not that interested. We can get kind of hooked on this hot and cold game, like the intermittent reinforcement, you know, like if she wanted me all the time Maybe I wouldn't want her, but if she's at least partly out of reach, oh my God, it's so compelling to try to keep you know reeling her in. Most of this is typically not conscious, but if you take a look at your patterns of attraction, and if you look honestly, and the reason why I want to encourage you to do that again with complete. Compassion is just that I am in favor of us no longer continuing to break our own hearts or set ourselves up for heartbreak, or break other people's hearts either. Right? I stand for healthy, happy lesbian queer love. So if you too want to stand or sit for a healthy, happy lesbian queer love, take a look at what happens for you if you get hooked on somebody who doesn't. seem equally invested. And think about what it would take for you to realize, hey, if it's not right for her, it can't possibly be right for me. Okay, that's step number 1. Now, what if you are on the other side of that dance? And let's say in the beginning, you, you're thinking that you like this person. Mm-hmm. But then maybe she texts you a little bit too much, or your life just starts to feel busier, or you see some other signs in her that you're not sure of, and you feel yourself pulling away. Now, that may be completely normal and healthy because especially when you're just getting to know somebody, you haven't invested in this person much. You certainly haven't committed to her. Unless you're doing the U-Haul on the second date thing, which I hope you're not, because as I said earlier, I stand for happy, healthy lesbian queer love. Um, so if you feel yourself pulling away, it may just be a sign that you're just not feeling it. But let's say, because this is true for many of us, that We get mixed signals from inside of ourselves, and so you're thinking, "Well, she's really nice. She's really smart. She's got all these qualities I've been looking for. Part of me is drawn to her, but part of me just feels scared, feels awkward, feels vulnerable. I want to reject her before she rejects me. Now that I'm really thinking about it, I'm not sure I want a relationship. I thought." thought that I did, but now I'm thinking I might have to give up too much. And, and you find yourself kind of caught in a back and forth. Um, it's just a sign that there is more exploration for you to do, perhaps with this other person, but maybe not. Maybe just inside of you, because what we're talking about here is your attachment system. Some of us have very clean, clear, straightforward attachment systems. We know who we want, uh, we only want people that want us. As they want us more, we want them more. We want the same things. It all goes smoothly. We walk off into the sunset together. Life happens and we deal with challenges, but basically we know we want each other. We're both clear on that. That part is easy. Okay, I know that that happens every once in a while out there, but honestly, because I run an international online academy teaching lesbians and queer women about dating and love, these are not the stories I hear. And to be perfectly honest, these are also not the stories I have lived out. For me, and for the vast majority of us, attachment is a much more complicated process. And we have mixed signals inside of ourselves. We get mixed signals from the other person. We get hooked on each other, uh, or hooked in, in a dance of like pushing away and coming toward in all kinds of excruciating ways. And so I'm teaching a class on lesbian attachment healing to help you better understand both your own patterns and the patterns of whoever you might have either been in relationship with or been drawn to in the past. Or maybe you're currently in a relationship and you have some of these hot-cold push-pull dynamics going on. It's super common. What I want you to know is there is help. There are ways to better understand yourself and soothe yourself when you start getting scared, when pain starts coming up. There are ways to better understand the other person and not take her or their actions so personally. There are ways to communicate whether you're on the side of the spectrum where you're— or, and many of us are ambidextrous. So, you know, in some connections we're on one side and in other connections we're on the other side. But in a given moment, if you're on the side of backing away, like, oh wait, this is too much, um, in the Lesbian Attachment Healing class you will learn ways of dealing with that internally skillfully and also communicating it skillfully to the other person so that you don't push her or them away for good. If you're not sure you want that. And if you are on the side of the dance where you're like, wait, what happened? I want more. I need more. I miss you. I deserve better in a relationship. Earlier you seemed more into me. Uh, what can I do to get you back? Um, boy, I've been there. Sometimes it feels like a raw nerve The level of pain can be so intense. And what I want you to know, first of all, is that there is help. Second of all, this raw nerve level of pain is not being caused just in the present time, just by this other person who maybe you only met a few days or a few weeks or a few months or even a few years ago. This level of raw nerve pain inside of you is coming from an earlier time and place. And you can learn how to be with it, soothe it, and then make much clearer, wiser decisions for yourself in the present time. Communicate your needs much more clearly. Have more equilibrium and equanimity when your needs aren't being met. Be able to make choices that make sense for your heart as you see who the other person is and how she or they do or don't show up consistently or Maybe inconsistently. So all of this is what we will be talking about in detail in the Lesbian Attachment Healing class. I'm super excited about it because I am a deep student of attachment, and I am a deep student as well as teacher Of lesbian love. And what I see over and over again is that there are certain things that, that we as lesbians or queer women or adjacent queer people tend to play out in our relationships so much more intensely than straight people or gay men. And the attachment literature is not talking about it. So even if you're somebody that has, you know, read books and watched YouTubes and gone to classes on attachment, I believe this class on lesbian attachment healing is going to give you a whole new level of insight because we're going to be talking about us, how we as lesbians or adjacent queer people do this thing, and most importantly, how we can do it better, how we can do it in ways that lead us to the peace and the harmony and the trust and the happiness and the deep mutual reciprocal love Whatever form we want that in, whatever form you want that in. So hope to see you in the Lesbian Attachment Healing class.
