Ruth Schwartz explains why lesbian partners suddenly withdraw and break up, using attachment theory to show how avoidant and anxious nervous-system patterns create breakup cycles. She offers tools to spot triggers and break the pattern through conscious work.
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So why does it happen that sometimes you can be dating or actually deeply involved, deeply in love with a woman, and sometimes out of the blue she just will say, it's too much, I need more space, we need to take a break? Or it's over, or I don't even know if I want to be in a relationship, or I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore. The feelings are gone. Why does this happen? If you've ever had this happen to you, and I have at least three times, it is torture. And it is so confusing. And the worst time it happened for me, I was deeply in love with someone who I know was deeply in love with me too. And we had talked about it, and we had actually agreed that neither one of us would end the relationship suddenly because she'd had a previous girlfriend do that and it had hurt her a lot. And so we actually had an agreement. This idea came from her, but then she did end up going against her word and breaking up with me suddenly out of the blue. Refused to go to couples coaching or counseling with me, just said it was over, her feelings had changed. Why does this happen? And most importantly, if it has ever happened to you, what can you do to make sure it doesn't happen again? I'm Ruth Schwartz. I'm the director of the Conscious Girlfriend Academy, which is a global school helping lesbians learn to date wisely and love well. And Teaching about how to find the right partner and also how to be the right partner is my mission in life. Teaching our community— lesbians, adjacent queer people— because frankly, there aren't a lot of resources helping us figure out this thing. And lesbian relationships are not rocket science, but they are neuroscience. And there's a lot of straight relationship coaches out there and teachers, and a lot of what they say just doesn't apply to us. I was watching a video just tonight, straight relationship coach guy who works with straight women. I really liked a lot of what he had to say, but at least 50% of his message was way off for our community because women with women have very different patterns than men and women or men and men. You've probably noticed that. So that's why I'm passionate about teaching an upcoming class on lesbian attachment healing. Now, if you're not familiar with attachment theory, basically it's just a fancy way of saying bonding. We all have different bonding styles or attachment styles or attachment states that get programmed into us very early in life involuntarily, and we can change them, but it takes a lot of work and conscious intention and, and coming up against our triggers in order to change them. And so most people never do. So why do women suddenly fall out of love or Say they need a break, or say they've lost the feeling, break up with you, sometimes even by text, out of the blue, after having been madly in love with you? That's what happened to me. And the answer lies in attachment states and how one person's attachment states or style can play off those of the other person. Commonly, when somebody does that sudden exit, it's because she is in an— what we call an avoidant attachment state. In that state, literally, people just shut down. It's an ancient safety reflex. Most people who have it had traumatic childhoods. Now, some of us had traumatic childhoods and didn't develop that reflex for all kinds of complex reasons that we'll talk about in the Lesbian Attachment Healing class. But the most important thing for you to know right now is that this is a nervous system pattern that may not mean you did anything wrong, may not mean she didn't love you. Sometimes, in fact, this reflex gets triggered when somebody feels Too close, when things get too good. Because if she had a certain kind of abusive childhood or abusive past, it can feel terrifying to have things get so good and to get so close. So that's the short version. I know you're wondering, well, what do I do? How do I spot the signs in the future? You might be thinking, is there any chance of getting my ex back? Will she come to her senses? Will her feelings come back? Is there hope for us? Or you might be thinking about somebody far enough in the past, or with whom enough hurt happened, that you don't want to get back with them, but you want to make sure this doesn't happen to you again. That's a lot of what I'm going to be going over in the Lesbian Attachment Healing class. I'm also going to talk about the other side of the coin, because just as some people have avoidant attachment reflexes built into their nervous systems, some of us have anxious attachment reflexes built into our nervous systems. Some of us, by the way, also have both. I personally have experienced both in different relationships, and maybe you have too. It's a lot more common than the straight relationship teachers say. At least in our community, it's common. But if you have anxious attachment reflexes, it's a terrible complementary match, kind of a magnetic vortex that gets set up between you and the person with avoidant attachment, because the more she pulls away, the more you'll go forward Which of course will make her pull away even more, which of course will make you more frantic to try to grab onto her. And this is one of the tragic patterns that honestly results in most of the lesbian breakups that I see. And the good news is that whichever side of it you're on, or even if you're alternately on both sides, there are ways to change these reflexes. As I said, it doesn't usually happen Without a lot of conscious, focused attention. But the more you understand the phenomenon, and with the tools I'm going to teach in the Lesbian Attachment Healing class, you will actually gain the power to notice when you start going into one of these reflexes and have much more choice about what you do and say. And that could prevent you from ending a relationship that later you might be really sad you ended. And it could also prevent you from involuntarily pushing someone else away. So I don't want to lie and say that this lesbian attachment healing course can save all relationships. It's not true. And frankly, not all relationships deserve to be saved. Sometimes there is a lot of suffering. Sometimes there's even emotional or physical abuse. Sometimes people just aren't compatible. But with the tools I'm going to teach in this Lesbian Attachment Healing class, you will be able to save some relationships if you and the other person actually have the right stuff, or you're both willing to do this kind of work. So I hope you will go to the link to find out more about the Lesbian Attachment Healing class. I'm super excited about it. Honestly, to my knowledge, there has never before been A 4-week class taught for our community about how we bond and what gets in the way of our bonding. And also, if you found this video helpful, like and subscribe to this channel and share it with your friends. Together we can create a whole different lesbian dating and love experience, and that's what I'm here to help you do. Have a good night.
