My Lesbian Red Flags (And What They Bring Up For My Girlfriend)

So I wanted to acknowledge some of my red flags when we got together, and I thought maybe you could—

When we got together?

Maybe you could help me with this.

Okay.

But I can name some of the ones I can think of.

Okay.

Okay, so one was, of course, that I had had this huge heartbreak. I don't know, maybe 6 months before, right? How many months that had been? Depends on how you count. March, April, May, June, July, August, September, September, October, November. Okay, somewhere between six and nine months before. That was one. Another one is I've had a lot of relationships.

Oh, these are red flags that that I should have noticed.

Yeah, right, right. These were my red flags.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. A lot of relationships. Are you getting more enthusiasm for this conversation now?

I thought I was gonna be red flagged. It's not me.

I was like, no, no, no, no. These are mine. Okay, yeah.

Okay. You'd had a lot of relationships.

I'd had a lot.

A lot. Yes.

A lot of relationships. Yes. Okay. Another red flag all day long, every day. I deal with hundreds of lesbians. Like, that would make an awful lot of people insecure. Yes.

Right?

Did that give you any pause?

No.

How come?

I don't know.

I don't know. You're just confident?

It didn't give me any pause.

I don't know why. You weren't like, oh my God, you need to stop this work, go work with straight men instead?

No. It didn't even cross my mind. Okay.

What other big red Health. My health stuff.

Health. I didn't think that was a red flag, but I was concerned. Mm-hmm.

Tell me more.

Family.

Mm-hmm. Oh, oh, we're not talking about my health anymore?

No, your family.

My family. Okay, yeah, my family is a red flag.

Because you don't have, like, relationships a lot with them.

I'm not very close with my family, and my dad and my sister are really troubled people. Yeah, I was gonna say batshit crazy, but decided to speak more— Yeah, your family Yeah. Yeah.

That's one that I did think of. Yeah?

Tell us, say more about what you thought.

Well, because I'm, I'm so attached to my family and I just wondered how that would be for you.

Oh.

How we would, how you would be with, how you, if you would want to be a part of a family.

Was that important to you?

It's not important, but it's just who I am.

Mm-hmm. So you weren't so concerned about My family not being people that you might want to be close to, but you were wondering how it would be for me that you're close to your family.

Right.

Okay. And how has that been?

It's been fine. I think we've worked it out really well. And I feel really at peace with it. I just didn't know how it would work out.

Okay.

Because they're so important to me. Like if they were driving by or something like that. Oh, I love that thought. Yeah, and you're really welcoming about my family.

Yeah. I don't have a bias against family in general. I think I just have a bias Crazy family. So let's see. So how did you feel about the fact that I had just had this horrible breakup not that long before and heartbreak?

I didn't really think that was a red— I mean, I didn't think about that as a red flag. I just thought you had been hurt. I think as I got to know more more about it, it really was a really big situation, bigger than I guess I thought.

Mm-hmm.

So I did have, I did go through a phase of being kind of jealous of the way that you felt about that relationship. And then I had to make peace with that about how I might not be as, like, intense in that way, but I might be actually more compatible and not cause that intensity. You know, something like that. That's kind of what I said to myself.

Yeah, absolutely. I love that. And how about the fact that I've had so many relationships?

Well, I figured you learned— I hope you learned a lot.

You would be able to apply.

And I think that you have. You know, just gained a lot of wisdom. I think you've been seeking. That is the hope. You've been a seeker. You're a seeker.

That's the hope, and that's one of the things that we really appreciate about each other.

Yeah, that's what I was hoping, and that turned out to be what I think now too, as well.

Okay, anything else that you can think of about red flags that you were paying attention to early on when we met? Or later that you've spotted, for that matter?

I think I think we had some bumps, you know, to work out, like attachment-wise, like because I am so relational and I'm always available for talk. I'm just kind of like kitchen table, like I could talk for hours. You know, my family's like that. We'll just get around the kitchen table.

Irish.

Yeah, Irish, loud, you know, laughing, same story. Yeah, let's hear that story again, like the 10th million time, tell it again. Around the kitchen table. And I think that there was some boundary setting we had to learn between, like, me always kind of being around and available. But like, maybe we needed to set boundaries about like, well, that is that really what we want to do tonight, engage in like a really long story that we've already heard?

So—

That might be funny. Uh-huh.

So I needed to learn to set boundaries better, and which I think I have.

Yeah.

Communicate more clearly and not take on myself the idea that if you're telling this story, I have to listen, or it's because you have to tell it. Right. And anything else that you've needed to learn?

I think we had to learn like some boundaries around like making sure we sleep enough and like go to bed by, you know, a certain time. And make sure we have room for other things like, you know, sometimes like low engagement focus time on other activities. Mm-hmm.

I did take on early on, because you are, as you said, you are so available, I took on like that you always needed that level of engagement from me, and I felt pressured by it, and it really wasn't true.

It wasn't true, yeah.

And it also maybe even made you feel pressured sometimes. I didn't feel pressure.

I felt like that was fine. And if I felt pressured, I would have set more— I think I would have set a boundary. That to me was more of the function of being new in a relationship. But I am glad that we've set those boundaries and we're in kind of a good rhythm about that now.

I appreciate you.

I appreciate you.

Anything else about my red flags that you've navigated?

I think the attachment stuff is the biggest stuff that we've navigated.

Well, yeah, because I am super— my default is self-reliant. And your default is to be really giving. And sometimes I felt pressured by that. And maybe you felt like shut out.

I felt, yeah, I felt shut out. Yeah, I did. And it's something that I don't really understand because I have— and I think that does come back to family. Like, you know, in my family, the first— like, I have co-regulation with my family. If I'm upset, you know, my mom, she's gonna come over, you know, she's She's gonna help. She's gonna make me soup. You know, she's gonna be here. My brother's gonna be on the phone giving me all sorts of problem solving and advice.

Whether you want it or not.

Whether I want it or not. And I want it. And you know, it's just like— and that's another thing we had to learn is the problem solving. Well, you don't always want it from them.

Yeah.

Yeah, sometimes I don't want it. But that's another thing that we had to learn is the problem solving. And because that is my family's natural— and I actually do that as well. Like I just will go into problem solving. I'll go into advice giving, you know, and it comes from the most heartfelt, roll up your sleeves, let's deal with this together. You know, that's what my family does. And that's how we express love for each other is like, I'll be right over, we'll, we'll get out a piece of paper, we'll make a task list, we'll go to the store together, we'll take care of this together. And I love that. And you do not love that. True. It took me a long time. I mean, a long time, months, probably to learn to ask, did you want advice?

Many times. Right.

And did you want problems solved?

It is rare that I want advice. But now the really cool thing is I have learned what you were really, really, really—

I am actually pretty full of good advice.

Well, actually, some of the time now, like right before we started filming this, you were giving me great advice about something that I asked your advice on. So we've kind of come full circle on that, right?

Yeah, but you are— you have the choice, and it's not my de facto. I think I catch myself, and I don't do it like automatic pilot.

And I think you've also learned how sometimes I just want to be heard. And you've even gotten to the point where sometimes you just want to be heard, right? And you can do that.

Yeah, and I've learned so much through this relationship that I've taken back to my family too. Like my brother was going through a lot with his kids in college, getting into his oldest son getting into college, and it was like really super stressful. And I was able to use the skills that I've learned, you know, the not giving advice, but just like listening, doing reflective listening. And it was so helpful. It really helped because he didn't need problem solving. He has, you know, he has the whole thing figured out, but it's like what he really needed was just to be heard.

Yeah. So, well, thank you for everything that we've learned, been learning together.

Yeah.

And thank you for navigating my red flags.

Yeah.

Okay.