In this opening video of a three‑part series, Ruth L. Schwartz, director of the Conscious Girlfriend Academy, tackles the contentious question of whether lesbians should date bisexual (or newly out) women. She outlines the common fears lesbians express—concerns about safety, the possibility that a bisexual partner may still desire men, ambivalence about commitment, and external pressures from family, friends, or career. Schwartz acknowledges the genuine pain many lesbians have experienced when a bisexual partner could not fully leave heterosexual privilege behind. She then shifts to a coaching perspective, introducing the Academy’s “smart‑for‑your‑heart” risk‑management approach: dating is never risk‑free, but women can learn to take wiser emotional risks. To illustrate how overgeneralization can limit love, she shares a story about a client who stopped dating anyone who drinks coffee after a single negative experience, prompting viewers to consider whether they are similarly over‑excluding bisexual women. Schwartz notes the vast spectrum of what “bisexual” means and promises deeper exploration in future videos, including a second part aimed at bisexual/pansexual women who face rejection from some lesbians. The video ends with a call to stay tuned for the next installment and a brief promotion of the Academy’s resources.
Chapters
So I want to talk to you about a controversial topic in our community, which is, should lesbians date bisexual women? There are a lot of strong feelings about this, and so let me tell you some of what I've heard on both sides, and then I'll tell you some of what I think, which is on many sides also. I'm Ruth Schwartz. I'm the director of the Conscious Girlfriend Academy, which is the leading global provider of education and support to lesbians and queer women and bisexual women and pansexual women and all women who love women or want to. consciousgirlfriendacademy.com. Check us out. Lots of classes that you can pay for, lots of free classes, incredible community. So this issue comes up a lot, and, and about lesbians and bisexual women. And so what I often hear lesbians say is that they don't feel safe dating a bisexual woman because what if she wants that one thing that they don't have, which is an attached cock. Um, I also hear lesbians say that they have dated bisexual women who were really ambivalent about being with them and maybe really liked being with them in the bedroom But then didn't want to introduce them to her friends and family, or didn't really feel able to make a long-term commitment to being with her, which is really painful. You know, because if you are a lesbian, you are somebody that has gone through all the work and challenge and trauma that's often involved in claiming your. Sexual orientation, you know, going out there on the margins of society as a woman who loves women and wants to build your life with another woman. And then here you are falling in love with somebody who then can't commit to you because she can't leave behind that heterosexual privilege, or just can't emotionally deal with the the threat of or the actual rejection of her friends, her family, her community. Maybe she has kids that she's afraid she would lose custody of. Maybe she's afraid she would lose or damage her career. You know, this is some serious shit because of the homophobic world that we live in. And so I do know lesbians who have been really, really hurt by dating or falling in love with bisexual women that then either in some cases did decide they needed something else sexually or were not able to commit emotionally, um, and in some cases have left the lesbian partner for a man. And I know some lesbians to whom that has happened multiple times. And that leaves a really painful residue. So I get it. If you are a lesbian that has had that experience or has other friends in your community who's had that experience, it is no wonder that you might have emerged thinking, I'm just not going there, you know, I'm, I'm not gonna take that risk. And it's natural that you, all of us, want to protect our hearts. Um, and we should protect our hearts. And for me, what that means is taking only wise risks with our heart. There is actually no way to fall in love and, um, or to date even, but much less fall in love And get into a relationship with someone in a risk-free way. Just doesn't exist in this world. But what I teach women about in the Conscious Girlfriend Academy is how to make these risks in smart-for-your-heart ways so that you're not just risking your heart, gambling with poor odds with your heart over and over again. So looking at it from that perspective, I gotta say bisexual women are a very, very diverse group. So like they say, you know, the cat that jumped on the hot stove is never going to jump on it again, but it's also never going to jump on a cold stove. When we are trying to protect our hearts, and especially when we've had bad painful experiences, it is natural. The brain tries to generalize so that we won't have that kind of experience again. It's one of the amazing things about the human brain. We have the capacity potentially to learn from our mistakes and do it differently in the future. Personally, that is my favorite thing about this brain, but I don't always do it right. So I often tell a story about a woman that I worked with some time ago in Conscious Girlfriend who had Dated a woman. This was a lesbian dating a lesbian, by the way. This is not a lesbian with a bisexual story. She had dated a woman who liked to drink coffee in the morning, and so when they would spend the night together, her girlfriend would jump out of bed really early and go make her coffee, and this woman would feel really abandoned. Um. And so because she wanted to cuddle and, you know, have these leisurely mornings together. And so when she came to me, she had concluded that she wasn't going to date any more women who drank coffee. That rules out a lot of women. So the question I have for you, if you are a lesbian who has had doubts or even decided against dating bisexual women, is, is it possible that you are doing the same thing? As the woman who decided never to date anybody else who drank coffee. Is it possible that there could be women that are bisexual? And by the way, there are a whole huge, vast number of definitions of what bisexual even means to different people. I suggest you drill down a lot deeper into that one. I'm going to do that in a future video. Is it possible that that you might be overgeneralizing? Is it possible that some women who consider themselves bisexual might in fact be a really bad bet for your heart and somebody that you should stay away from? But is it also possible that someone who considers herself bisexual could be a good bet for your heart, just like somebody who drinks coffee in the morning might? Possibly also be willing to stay in bed and cuddle, especially if she knows that that's what her girlfriend needs or wants. So I think this has got to be just part one of a series because there is so much more that I have to say. And and if you are a bisexual or pansexual woman watching this video, I want to also speak to you in a future video because. I hear so much pain from women who in many cases have identified as straight and then realize, oh my God, I'm not straight. Wow, I'm, I'm actually into women. And, you know, I'm not sure I am exclusively only into women, but I am really into women. And then they struggle and they make their way out of the closet and they face all of this Possibility or actuality of, of rejection from families, friends, communities, and then they're like, here I am, I want to date women, and then they reach lesbians who are like, whoa, you go away, girl, like, you're not safe for me. So it can be really painful, and, and there's actually pain on both sides of this divide, and so that's what I'm going to speak to in part 2. So stay tuned for that. But once again, I'm Ruth Schwartz. I'm the director of the Conscious Girlfriend Academy, and check us out, consciousgirlfriendacademy.com. We are the compassionate and intelligent learning community for all women who love women or want to.
