In this third installment of her series, Ruth L. Schwartz addresses bisexual and pan‑sexual women who seek relationships with women, acknowledging the deep pain they often encounter in lesbian spaces. She explains how heteronormative conditioning can delay the claim of a woman‑who‑loves‑women identity, and describes the emotional fallout when a lesbian discovers a potential partner’s bisexuality—ranging from verbal attacks to feelings of betrayal. Schwartz then introduces the Conscious Girlfriend Academy (CGA), positioning it as a compassionate, intelligent learning community for all women who love women, regardless of label. She shares personal insights about her own attraction patterns—favoring masculine‑energy partners with a feminine spirit—and highlights the fluidity of gender expression (including non‑binary and trans experiences). Emphasizing that compatibility does not map neatly onto sexual‑orientation labels, she argues for a granular, “catch‑criteria” approach to dating: assessing emotional health, mutual values, and relationship goals rather than simply the word on a profile. Finally, she urges women to date carefully, protect their hearts, and consider CGA resources for deeper guidance.
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So I'm back with part 3 of this video series about whether lesbians should or should not date bisexual women or pansexual women, why or why not. So now I want to speak to, to the bisexual and pansexual women out there because It is so painful. As I said in the first video, if you struggle to make your way into your own sexual identity and you go through, you know, all of this heterosexual conditioning and programming and whatever, you know, weeks, months, years, sometimes decades it takes to really claim yourself as a woman who loves women, who gets turned on by women, even if you also get turned on by men, or even if Somewhere along the way, you married a man because you hadn't fully claimed your identity, and you still love the guy. Maybe you have kids with him. Maybe you've built a life with him. Even if maybe you are actually more attracted to women than you are to him, or maybe you are attracted to him, but something deep in your soul and your heart and your body. really is compelled to have erotic, you know, sometimes just erotic, sometimes also deeply romantic, emotional, and sexual relationships with women. So you, you work with all that, you deal with all that, you go to therapy, you go to coming out groups, you read a million books, you spend, you know, months or years on the internet getting up the courage. And then you, let's say, put up a personal ad or go to a women's bar if there still are any, or, you know, go, go to some other lesbian community event. And you're flirting with some women, she's hot, she thinks you're hot. And then, you know, somewhere along the way she finds out that you are bisexual and she is like, you know, One bisexual woman I know said she was attacked, like viciously verbally attacked by a lesbian who said, what are you doing here in this women's space? You don't belong here. You got to choose your team. You know, you're abusing lesbians. If you also like men, you shouldn't be here. Um, so I, I like to really strive within our community of women who love women or want to To cultivate compassion because we all need it. We all deserve it. And I am— by the way, I'm Ruth Schwartz. I'm the director of the Conscious Girlfriend Academy, which is the leading global resource, education, and community center for women who love women or want to. We've got a lot of classes. We're the compassionate, intelligent learning community online for lesbians and queer women and all women who love women. So that lesbian who verbally attacked the bisexual woman, I do get where she's coming from. I really do. And that's what I covered in videos 1 and 2 in this series. A lot of lesbians have been hurt, scarred by falling in love with bi women who then rejected them. And I'm guessing that that's where this lesbian was coming from. On the other side, I also have tremendous compassion for that bisexual woman, because she was trying to answer a deep, deep, deep yearning in her heart, her soul, her body, to love and be loved by a woman. Yes, she had a husband at home and she had kids at home and she wasn't ready to blow up that family life. But she was being honest about that. She was disclosing that. And what a blow it was for her to get that response from that lesbian. So there's just a lot of pain on, on both sides, or often all sides of this Challenging debate. I know another bisexual woman who, um, you know, tends to be attracted to the butch or the masculine-of-center women. Often in our community this, this happens, right? There's some women that are like more femme-looking, like me. Um, I also tend to be attracted to the butch or the masculine-of-center, the masc— you know, the more somewhat masculine-presenting women. And oftentimes those women who become my girlfriends have had, you know, many girlfriends like me that are, you know, on the femme side of the spectrum. There does tend to be a little bit more of this sexual fluidity, like women who are drawn to masculine energy, whether it comes in a female package, biologically female package, or biologically male package. Of course, these days we know that a lot of people are neither. Right. A lot of people are non-binary or agender or omnigender. So it's actually true of me, I think, that oftentimes, and this is not 100%, but oftentimes what tends to attract me is some combination of masculine energy and a female spirit. And so I think that's why I did fall in love with one man in my life, because he had the masculine energy and the kind of feminine spirit. But mostly I fall in love with, with women who have the feminine spirit and the masculine energy, the butch women, the masculine of center. And I did fall in love with one person who identified as female when we, when we fell in love, and then over the years realized that she needed to transition and did transition and now lives as a man. Um, we're not together anymore for other reasons, but I just really want to honor all of our attractions and the incredible courage it takes in our culture to be a woman, however we define that. Who realizes that you desire and want to love and be loved by another woman, however you define that, whether you're drawn to the masculine of center, the feminine of center. Maybe these terms don't even make sense to you. You're just like, what the fuck? Why do I need these labels? I'm a woman and I'm drawn to women. Um, so however it works for you, I want to acknowledge your incredible courage. And personally, the world that I am working to build in the Conscious Girlfriend Academy, which you can find at consciousgirlfriendacademy.com, is a world that has room for all of us, all women who love women or want to, and, and individual women, no matter how you identify, actually, whether you identify as lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, Gay, homosexual, queer, or maybe none of these labels fits for you. But however you identify, the world that I personally want to live in is a world where your desire, your identity, your gender identity, your gender expression, and your tender heart get treated well and get held as the really sacred things that they are. So some of us should not date others of us because some of us are not compatible with others of us. But my personal belief is that that doesn't slice neatly and easily along the lines of if you are lesbian, you should not date bisexual women. I think it's— there are really different factors involved in compatibility. And I teach a lot about this in the Conscious Girlfriend Academy. For instance, one of the things I teach about is what does it take to actually be a catch? And what should you look for when you're dating to identify another woman who is a true catch? Because I don't think it has to do with what label she puts on her sexual orientation. But I do strongly advise all women who love women or want to, to date carefully and to take good care of your heart. And that's why I think we need to get a whole lot more granular than this lesbians not dating bisexual women thing. Because some bisexual women, if you're a lesbian, some bi women are going to be really bad risks for your heart. You should stay away from them. I propose That some other women who might choose that label of bisexual might actually be a great fit for you if she's a catch and if you're a catch. So if you want to learn more about that, I'm going to cover that in yet another video. Thanks for being here, and check us out at consciousgirlfriendacademy.com. It is the compassionate, intelligent learning community for lesbians and queer women and all women who love women or want to.
