In this YouTube video, Ruth L. Schwartz critiques mainstream relationship advice that is geared toward straight couples, arguing that it often misfires for lesbians, queer women, and adjacent non‑binary people. She identifies a common pattern in queer relationships: both partners tend to invest heavily and accelerate the relationship too quickly, leading to frequent break‑ups. Schwartz introduces the concept of “calibration,” a relational dance where each person matches the other’s level of investment. She explains how to read the give‑and‑take of small gestures, texts, time spent together, and affection, warning that a partner who consistently over‑invests or under‑responds signals a lack of attunement and can trigger attachment wounds. The video links these dynamics to underlying attachment styles and wounds, noting that many lesbian relationships crash because partners are unable to recognize and work with each other’s attachment needs. Schwartz offers two practical rules: (1) mirror the other’s level of investment and pull back when they pull back; (2) avoid mutually rapid escalation, as it creates a “dangerous road” akin to speeding on a highway. She concludes by promoting a forthcoming four‑week “Lesbian Attachment Healing” class, free chapters of her book “Conscious Lesbian Dating and Love,” and the Conscious Girlfriend Academy as resources for deeper work.
Chapters
So I read a lot of straight relationship coaches' and teachers' material, watch their videos. There's some amazing stuff out there, but what I'm always struck by is that they get at least one really, really big thing wrong when it comes to lesbians and our relationships. Because when they're talking to women Those are the primary consumers of the relationship education. Women who are involved with men, there's often a lot of emphasis on, you know, is the guy willing to make a commitment? Is the guy staying in contact enough? Is the guy, you know, willing to advance the relationship? And of course, for us as lesbians, And queer women and adjacent non-binary people, typically our pattern is that both people initially will be investing heavily and working hard to advance the relationship. Our problem is that we tend to commit too fast, and that's why nobody jokes about, you know, gay men or straight people bringing a U-Haul on the second date. Of course, it happens every now and then, but it's not common, whereas with us it's common. Enough that there's, you know, a whole joke about it. Um, so what I think that lesbians and queer women, adjacent queer people, have to watch out for much more than is the other person willing to invest is can the other person calibrate? And, you know, you also need to look for yourself at can you calibrate? And by calibrate, I mean that the interaction is a dance. And so if the other person puts in only a little, you put in only a little. You might be the one to put in a little bit first and then wait to see if she responds, or she might put in a little bit first and hopefully wait to see if you respond. If she puts in a little and you don't respond, and then she puts in more and more and more and more— And more. That's actually a big red flag because it shows she's not attuned to you. And that might feel like a problem for you right away, but if it doesn't, I guarantee it will at some point. Now similarly, you also need to be paying attention. So, you know, you put in a little, you see if a little comes back. You put in a little more. You see if a little more comes back. If more isn't coming back from her, you need to stop putting more in. Now, what if she's putting in a lot? And and by putting in, I just mean you know it could be a lot of texts. It could be spending a lot of time together. It could be saying a lot of affectionate things. It could be. You know, anything to show increasing investment in the relationship. So if she's putting in a lot and you're putting in a lot, and she puts in a lot more, and you're putting in a lot more, and she puts in a lot more, um, on the one hand you're at least in step with each other, but on the other hand you are probably heading down A dangerous road. Because again, this is what lesbians and adjacent queer people tend to do. We tend to go too fast. Now, I have literally driven my car about 100 miles an hour, maybe a little bit more, late at night when I was driving alone on a long straight highway. I got a couple traffic tickets for it in my time. Now I slow down because I didn't like how expensive Expensive those tickets were. It's similar when we go too fast in a relationship, even if it's mutual. We will hit triggers, uh, guaranteed, whether she hits them first or you hit them first, because you're actually not driving at a safe speed. You know, in my case, in a way, maybe I'm lucky those cops Pulled me over and gave me tickets because otherwise I might have crashed. So, um, I would say the 2 rules that I want to share with you today are calibrate. Now, you know, so you're responding to her little bit with your little bit and vice versa. If she isn't doing that, if she either is pulling back then you need to pull back. If she's coming way forward at a much greater pace than you are, watch out. Um, and this also means you needing to be able to calibrate inside yourself, because if she is pulling back and you might start to feel, you know, anxious, sad, hurt, taking it personally, um, you know more hooked on her, that's going to be something that you need to watch for because again, dangerous, dangerous road. So, and then if both of you are going too fast, lots of danger there. So what makes it hard for most of us to do this calibration? The answer lies in our attachment styles or states and in our attachment wounding. I'm going to be teaching a class on lesbian attachment healing, a 4-week class. I'm super excited about it because, as I said at the beginning of this video, the information out there that is geared towards straight people in many cases does not apply to us and sometimes is exactly wrong for us. As lesbians and adjacent queer people. So check out the information about this lesbian attachment healing class because there is a lot of nuance that we as lesbians need to know and be able to work with in order to be able to have happy, healthy, successful relationships. Most lesbian relationships crash And burn because we don't know enough about our own attachment wounding, and we don't know how to work skillfully with the other person's attachment wounding, and it lands us in a big pit really fast. And believe me, I speak from extensive personal experience. So that's why I'm so passionate about teaching about lesbian attachment healing. Check out the class if what I've said today resonates with you, and come on over to the Conscious Girlfriend Academy website. Get the first 4 chapters of our book Conscious Lesbian Dating and Love free, and see what else we have going on there. Okay, lots of love. Bye.
