The Most Heartbreaking Mistake Lesbians Make -- And How To Stop Wrecking Your Relationships

So I want to talk to you today about a phenomenon that, from what I see, causes lesbians more pain and more confusion than anything else. And yet I don't hear a lot of people really understanding what, what goes on, what it is that happens for us. So I would like to try to— unravel that mystery and give you some information that can make a huge difference in your ability to date wisely and love well, which is what my life's work is about helping our community do. I'm Ruth Schwartz. I am the director of the Conscious Girlfriend Academy, which is the leading global resource helping lesbians and queer women have the conscious dating and love lives and sex lives That really fulfill us, that make us happy. So I have a PhD in transpersonal psychology. I've worked with individuals and couples for just about 20 years now. I'm also a certified sex and intimacy coach, have years of training in that. And you know what? I'm also just a person. And I've been out for 40 years now, believe it or not. I came out when I was 20. I'm 60 now. And so I have had a lot of years of loving women and making mistakes in my love relationships with women. And that's what I try to bring all of that to my work now. So, you know, deeply informed both by my professional training and by my personal life experience. So what's this mistake that I see women making over and over and that I've made over and over. You know what it is already, I suspect. It's the mistake of diving in too fast. You know, we know that joke, what does a lesbian bring on the second date? The U-Haul. There's a reason why nobody jokes about straight people or gay men bringing the U-Haul on the second date. This seems to be a phenomenon which is somewhat unique to, to women with women. So what is it that happens? Well, as women, we are equipped with lots and lots and lots of extra brain chemistry to help us bond because biologically we're designed to have the babies, raise the kids. We need to be able to bond. And so when 2 women get together or get interested in each other, we go bonding, bonding, bonding like crazy. I call it lesbian super glue. Actually, and what happens with all of this bonding when we're spending long hours talking, touching, kissing, hugging, rubbing our bodies together, you know, just, just being close in those ways, is that our brains produce a lot of endogenous opiates, which is a technical term for brain drugs, really, really, really good brain drugs. You know, you might be clean and sober, you might not drink, you might not take drugs from outside, but your brain will produce these drugs when you get into someone. And she's— ideally, she's also into you. Otherwise, going into this state of what's called limerence all by yourself actually really hurts. But typically, often what happens is at the beginning, both of us are totally deep into this bonding phenomenon. And, um, the better it feels, the more of it we want, and the more of it we get, the better it feels. And then we're on this high-speed bonding, connecting train. And this is why I, I literally hear these stories, and, and I've done these things too, of, you know, you're together a couple weeks and you start committing to each other. You make plans to move in together. People even get married. They get engaged Or they get married after a few weeks or a month or two, and it feels so right. And even if you've done it before and it didn't work out, this time it feels like, okay, those other times it was a mistake, but this time I just know you're the person for me. I have found the person for me. And so this is called limerence, L-I-M-E-R-E-N-C-E. You can look it up, you can read all about it. I believe that 2 women together go into limerence more strongly, faster, more intensely than couples of other genders. And it's an amazing experience. It's You know, sometimes when I talk about limerence and I warn people about it, women don't want me to take away that high. And believe me, I don't want to take away your high. I don't want to take away your ecstasy. I mean, not the drug ecstasy, but it's ecstatic to feel so connected to another human being and to feel like she's the one. My soul is meant for her soul. Every fiber of my being is coming awake in connection with this other person. This is a level of intimacy I've never experienced before. You know, have you ever felt these things? I have. And it feels great and it is beautiful. It is one of the very, very best experiences that life has to offer us. And the reason why we are designed to go into this exquisite state of bonding Is so that it will hopefully serve us well in the long haul. Once the relationship kind of comes back to earth, having had this incredible bonding experience where you are so in touch with the other person's majesty and magnificence, and you've had so much tenderness for her and she's had so much tenderness for you, it creates this— Jet fuel that if we use it right can, can power us for years, decades, a lifetime together. That's how it's designed to work. But what I often see with lesbians and queer women is that we, we go through it so fast. It's like I have some, some cinnamon ginger tea here. And if I sip on it, it'll last a lot longer. And if I just kind of gulp it down, it'll last less time. And so this is what I see often, completely without understanding what we're doing. Lesbians and queer women will gulp it down. Typically, you know, if you read about limerence online, they will say that it lasts— 2 weeks. 6 to 12 months, maybe even 18 months. I don't see that playing out in our community. What I see is that limerence lasts us 3 months, usually between women. And then after 3 months, and sometimes even less, we hit really hard, intense, painful places. You know, you've got triggers. I've got triggers. The world is full of homophobia. You're smart, you're sensitive, you grew up with some amount of trauma. Me too. We've got attachment style differences that, that, you know, come roaring out like dragons. I'm making some other videos about that. And so typically right around that, that 3-month mark, more or less, we will go from this absolute bliss of feeling like you are perfect for me. We're never going to have any problems. If we do, we're going to just sail through them because we have this degree of connectedness that will, you know, kind of buffer everything, smooth everything. It's like, you know, if you used to feel like a piece of broken glass in the world, when you're in limerence with this amazing woman, And I have been in limerence with some amazing women. It feels like the jagged edges inside of you get smoothed like beach glass, and you're not going to cut each other. But then a few months in, when, when, you know, sometimes actually as a reaction to the limerence, because a lot of us reach a certain point and then it gets pretty scary to be so close in. And all of our unhealed stuff from our childhoods and from our past relationships, all of our inner conflicts that, that most of us carry around, they start getting activated by this other person. And so sometimes if you've been really high, you know, it's like the Icarus who created those wax wings, and then he flew too close to the sun. And we know what happens, he just melted down and he hit the earth. Hard. That's what sometimes happens in our relationships. And so when we've gone too fast in limerence, we haven't built the actual foundation of trust that can help us get through that falling down to earth time. A lot of times we hit really hard places and we just don't have what it takes to To navigate them, I have been there. I have done that. I have another video called Confessions of a Toxic Girlfriend where I talk about a relationship where this happened after just six weeks. Actually, started happening after two weeks. We broke up after six weeks. So if you've ever done that, I completely. My heart completely goes out to you and also to your girlfriend, because oftentimes when this happens, we start vilifying the other person. Well, sometimes we might vilify ourselves. We might blame ourselves and think, oh my God, I'm so damaged, I'm so broken, what's wrong with me? You know, maybe I'm just not meant to have a relationship. But sometimes we might start blaming the other person and think, You know, what's wrong with her? Why did she get so clingy all of a sudden? Or why did she suddenly start getting so distant? You know, and again, that's attachment style differences. Check out some of my other videos to understand more about that. But coming back to limerence, this will happen. This, this intense bonding with the lesbian super glue. Will happen. So how can we navigate it more wisely so that it is less likely to melt our wings and send us crashing down to earth? Okay, so I hope you won't shoot the messenger here. A lot of people don't like this message, but part of what helps is going more slowly. And that helps for a number of reasons. One, you actually get to know who this other person is rather than just being in this gauzy haze of projections and fantasies. As you get to know her a little more slowly, you actually might realize she's not right for you or you're not right for her. And you might choose to not go forward at all. And believe me, there are people with whom if I had gone slowly and if I had let myself be in my right mind, I would not have gone forward. I had some amazing experiences by going forward, but boy, did I also have some incredible heartbreaks. And so I imagine you probably know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about? Okay. After you've been through that a few times, you probably don't want it to happen again. So slowing down So that you can really keep your wise mind on board is part of what will keep it from happening. Now, maybe you slow down and the signs are actually pretty good, you know, as you get to know each other over several weeks, a month, several months before having sex. I know it's hard. Um, but the other thing that you can do by slowing down is actually build a stronger foundation. And when you start kind of flirting, sexting, even if you don't go all the way right away, you know, you start really sexualizing your interactions, it's so powerful that it can kind of take over and, and thwart or interrupt the process of really just getting to know this other being as a full being and letting her get to know you as a full being. So slowing down can create a much more dimensional connection with a more solid foundation. The other thing I recommend that you do as you're going slowly is have some relatively unsexy but actually really intimacy-building conversations about Who this other person is in relationships once the limerence or new relationship energy wears off. What are the kinds of conflicts that she has repeatedly found herself having with girlfriends? What are the kinds of conflicts that you have repeatedly found yourself having? Because if you start having these conversations before Or those conflicts are actually coming up between you and her. You can learn about each other, you can proactively strategize, you can be prepared. I know these are not conversations that most of us are used to having, and again, it can feel like, well, I don't need to have them with you because this is never going to happen with you, we're different. So take it from me, I've Made that mistake over and over. And, you know, we don't necessarily have to say it's a mistake. I mean, I've had beautiful, amazing experiences, and I have worked so hard to learn from all of them. But what I see now is that sometimes what might have actually been able to be a lasting relationship has gotten destroyed. By going too fast. So you can actually increase the odds of getting to be with this amazing person that you're feeling all these feelings for if you go slower. And you can also make things potentially easier on you. You know, some relationships will survive even the turbulence of starting out so fast and intense and then having to kind of recalibrate, repattern, regroup, take a break, figure out what the hell was happening where we started triggering each other so much. How can we reset? Some relationships will survive that. But even if you're lucky enough to be in a relationship that survives it, you could actually make it easier on yourself. By going slower. And, you know, I recently heard a woman that I know talk about how, you know, she said like, well, she's my dream woman, I'm her dream woman, so we just got married 5 months in because we just figured, okay, we're gonna just commit all the way and we're gonna deal with whatever comes up. And I admire that. You know, she's a love warrior, I'm a love warrior. Gotta hand it to us love warriors. A lot of us lesbians and queer women are like that. But at the same time, you know, if I went to the dentist and the dentist said, guess what, you haven't come to the dentist for years, you need 12 fillings. If I were a dental warrior, I might say, okay, I'm going to schedule an appointment and just have you fill all 12 of those fillings in the same visit. Would you do that? Actually, I wouldn't do that. I think it would be really traumatic for your body. I don't think it would be an act of kindness. I think you need to space those dental visits out. And in the same way, in our beautiful, tender, heartfelt lesbian relationships— and I speak from, from experience— If we space those things out more slowly, it's just an act of kindness to ourselves, to our vulnerable selves, and to each other. So how do you go slower when you're really, really into someone and when all these magical feelings are happening? How do you have the communications? So that as you go slower, she doesn't freak out and feel like you're pulling away. You don't freak out and get scared about her pulling away. How can you be on the same page so that you're really consciously doing this thing together, building this potentially really solid, healthy foundation? And You know, like I said, as you go slower, you might actually realize, hey, good thing we went slow because you're not actually somebody I can build a healthy, solid relationship with. You know, it's it's been real and I appreciate you and you know, but I gotta gotta regroup and and look for the a better fit for myself. That might happen, but it also might happen that as you go slower, you really are. Building something together. It's, it's like if you have a sapling, you know, a young tree, and you try and build a treehouse in that sapling, chances are that treehouse is going to come crashing down and it might bring the young tree, the sapling, with it. If you wait till the tree is more mature, you know, like one of those beautiful big oaks or maples, and then you build a treehouse in that, and you work with kind of the contours of the tree, the way the branches are, you know, spread out, the particular form and shape of that tree, and you're friendly to the form and shape when you build your treehouse. That tree can completely hold that treehouse and and then you can climb the tree and hang out in the treehouse. You get my point. So as an act of kindness to ourselves and each other, part of what I teach about in the Conscious Girlfriend Academy is learning how to navigate internally the feelings that come up, because it's intensely vulnerable to keep opening to someone in a calibrated way. Some of us just want to kind of rush ahead and get to this false feeling of certainty to avoid that vulnerability. But guess what? It doesn't work. We actually make ourselves even more vulnerable for pain that way, as you might have learned. So as an act of kindness, how can we have these conversations that support us in going more slowly and consciously? into relationship. It's a lot of what I teach about in the Conscious Girlfriend Academy. So if that resonates, look for another video soon. And, and also come to consciousgirlfriendacademy.com. Check out our classes, check out our amazing community of growth-oriented lesbians and queer women that are looking to do this thing in a way that really helps you create The lasting love you want. The long haul, not the U-Haul. Okay, thanks for being here. See you soon. Bye.