In this solo coaching monologue, the speaker identifies a psychological component she calls the "bonding part," an innate drive to form rapid attachments that served survival in infancy but can sabotage adult lesbian and queer women’s dating lives when it activates too quickly. She explains how this part can cause people to bond with the wrong partner after superficial interactions such as frequent texting, leading to high rates of breakup (noting that lesbian divorce rates are three times higher than heterosexual or gay‑male rates). To counteract this, she introduces the concept of OHDD – Open‑Hearted Discernment – a decision‑making facet that should oversee the bonding part, asking critical questions about a partner’s actions, values, red flags, and relationship vision before allowing deep attachment. She acknowledges that many women either let the bonding part run ahead or over‑compensate by shutting it down, both of which hinder lasting, healthy love. The speaker urges listeners to train and care for both parts, integrating the wise, adult self with the bonding part, and promotes her "Lesbian Dating Essentials" class where these skills are taught in depth.
Chapters
So one of the parts of most of us that gets us in big trouble in lesbian relationships is a part that I call your bonding part. We all have a part of ourselves that is structured and designed and inclined to bond, and that is normal and healthy. We would not have survived— you would not have survived as an infant if you hadn't bonded with with somebody and been bonded with in return. But when we are adults and we are dating and we're looking for somebody to spend a good long time with, maybe the rest of your life, the problem is that the part of you that is designed to bond will just get right out there and do that as fast as she possibly can. You know, you're interacting with somebody, maybe you haven't even met in person, you're texting, you're messaging back and forth, maybe you've had a few phone calls, maybe you've met once or twice, your bonding part will start getting attached. And especially if you're doing that good morning and good night texting thing, that is like a sign that tells your bonding part, this person is now the center of my universe. So she'll bond. She'll bond with what I call sticky lesbian super glue. The problem is that so often we then end up finding that we have bonded with the wrong person, because what you need to do rather than just feeling a spark and bonding is to develop what I call your OHDD. This is kind of a play on God. It's your odd, which is your open-hearted discernment. Discerning decision maker, and in the lesbian dating essentials class, we talk about how to find and cultivate that part of you so that rather than just bonding with lesbian super glue to whoever comes along, you you you gotta treasure your bonding part, but you also have to take good care of her. It's like if you were a parent and you had an infant, infants if they are If they've been safe in their lives, will sometimes be so open and like a stranger might approach and your infant would go, ah, you know, here I am. But your job as a parent would be to make sure that you don't let just anybody approach your infant and you don't let your infant bond with just anybody. So you're open-hearted, discerning decision maker. is the, the part of you that's going to rightly be in charge of your dating process. She's the part that can say, okay, who is this person? You know, are her actions and her words lining up? Have I asked her the right questions? Have I noticed the red flags? Do I know what her relationship vision is? Do I know what her— some of her past relationship challenges have been? Do I know what her commitments are going forward? Do they line up with mine? Your open-hearted discerning decision maker needs to be finding out those things before you let your bonding part go ahead and bond. And it sounds easy, right? But it's not, because most lesbians and queer women, our bonding parts just run away ahead of us. And it's one of the most beautiful, exhilarating, thrilling things about being a woman who loves women. But it's also one of the most challenging. You know, it's like that bringing the U-Haul on the second date thing. And it's a big part of why the lesbian divorce rate, tragically, is 3 times as high as the hetero or gay male divorce rate. It's because we bond too fast with that bonding part. Without bringing in the open-hearted discernment. Now, if you've bonded too fast in the past, you might overcompensate by kind of shutting yourself down and not letting anybody that you date get access to your bonding part at all. But that won't get you to the lasting, healthy, happy love that you want either. So the key is really Um, schooling and training and taking good care of your bonding part within the larger framework of the other parts of you, the wise, adult, mature parts of you that are resilient and able to actually assess somebody as you date rather than just attaching. This is what we'll talk about more in the Lesbian Dating Essentials class, so I hope to see you there.
