Ruth L. Schwartz explains why lesbian breakups feel uniquely painful: deep bonding between women amplifies attachment triggers, making them shattering. She separates breakups from toxic partners versus well-meaning ones caught in emotional wounds, then maps a two-stage healing process using neuroscience and attachment research.
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So why do lesbian breakups hurt so much? And what can we do about it? What can we do, first of all, to heal from the breakups that shatter us, and ultimately to make sure that in the future, if we choose to date and love again, which is the most natural and I think holy thing for us to do, that we do it more skillfully, both in terms of how we choose the other person and how we show up, so that we can prevent this kind of shattering in the future. This is one of my passions, and that's why I'm leading an upcoming class on lesbian breakup healing and another upcoming class on toxic lesbian relationship recovery. Sometimes it can be hard to know because breakups can hurt so much. You know, is it that the other person was a narcissist? Was it a toxic relationship? Because, oh my God, this pain is destroying me now. Or was she, like most of us, a well-meaning person who tried her best? And perhaps the two of you tangled, as usually happens, with some really intense emotional wounds and trigger places and attachment challenges. That's often what happens. Either way, there is a healing process. There is a, a really profound healing process just post-breakup. And of course, there is a whole additional layer of healing and understanding that we have to go through if in fact the relationship was toxic. So one of the things that I'm really motivated by is helping lesbians and queer women and adjacent non-binary people harvest the learning from our breakups and actually from all of our pain, from all of our relationship challenges. I'm Ruth Schwartz. I'm the director of the Conscious Girlfriend Academy. I have been out loving women since 1982, quite a few years now, and it has not always been an easy path for me. I've had some amazing relationships. I've had some Excruciating relationships, and I've had some pretty smooth, you know, sad but but not devastating breakups. And then I've had some breakups that absolutely shattered me. And so a big part of my life's work is understanding what makes the difference and helping other lesbians and adjacent understand for yourself so that you can. Do what you came out to do. I mean, one of the reasons why I feel so passionate about helping our community is because every single one of us has had to travel a difficult, and in some cases very difficult road just to claim who we are to begin with and be loving another woman and acknowledging that that's who we are and that's what we want to do. That's what lights us up. And so it feels to me like after doing all of that work, We should be able to reap the reward of having really beautiful, happy, healthy, satisfying relationships. But sometimes it's not like that. And part of why is because relationships with women, between women, have the capacity to be the best relationships on the planet. But because we can bond so deeply and quickly, they also bring up our triggers more intensely. And that's why— Yeah. Sometimes our relationships and our breakups can feel like the most painful experiences on the planet. So if this resonates for you, check out our upcoming classes. You can take either one, the breakup healing class or the toxic relationship recovery class, or you can take both. Either way, you will find yourself in a— I think the world's best, uh, and, and I say this not from self-aggrandizement but because of the amazing community that we have. I think you will find yourself in the world's best lesbian-centric learning environment. Everything we do is conscious, compassionate, curious, based on cutting-edge neuroscience and incorporating some spiritual tools based on relationship research Attachment understandings, so that you can really finally grapple with what happened, why it happened, how you can heal, and how you can make sure that whatever was so painful never has to happen again. If that sounds good, check out the upcoming classes, and I so look forward to working with you. Your heart deserves beautiful, healthy love. All of our hearts do, and you can get there. It just takes learning how. See you soon.
