Ruth Schwartz explains why lesbian breakups hit harder: deep bonding, rapid intimacy, and brain chemistry create intense attachment. She describes patterns like endless cycles of breaking up and making up, obsessive social media checking, and lingering hope, then offers resources from her Conscious Girlfriend Academy designed specifically for queer relationships.
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Hey there, I want to talk today about why lesbian breakups hurt so much and what we can do about it. So if you are hurting from a breakup right now, whether it's very recent or long ago in the past— sometimes our breakups scar us for a long time— what I want you to know first of all is that There are clear reasons based on neuroscience for why it hurts so much. And when you understand those reasons, you can also chart a path toward healing that is much faster and smoother and more efficient and more complete than most of us are ever likely to find on our own. Even if you've taken advantage of other breakup resources, mainstream resources like for straight people, they probably have not captured what happens between us, between women or adjacent non-binary people, because we are unique both in our relationships and our breakups. One of the things I like to say is that 2 lesbians or adjacent can have the most beautiful, powerful, intimate relationships on the planet. But because we can bond so deeply and so quickly, we can also have the most painful breakups on the planet, and our breakups can last a long time. And sometimes we can get into these cycles of breaking up and then making up and then breaking up and then making up, which can stretch for years. Or sometimes even if the breakup is final, Of course, we don't necessarily know it's final at the time. We can hope for many months or years that we will get the person back, that we will be able to come back together. And even if we're not hoping that, you know, or even if part of your wiser mind knows, hey, this relationship wasn't working, you can still find yourself, you know, hoping for word of her, waiting on a text from her or an email or a message. Following her on social media, trying to understand how she's really doing. If you see that she seems to have moved on, it's excruciating. And if you see that she hasn't moved on, it's also excruciating because you keep thinking, why are the two of you not together? I am talking about all of this because I have been in all of these places and more. My name is Ruth Schwartz. I'm the director of the Conscious Girlfriend Academy, which is the leading global resource helping lesbians and adjacent people all over the world. To date wisely and love well, because as lesbians and queer people, we need and deserve healthy relationships, and it takes learning how. So about 22 years ago, someone I was madly in love with had broken up with me. Very, very confusing breakup. Of course, there had been red flags early on. I kind of ignored them. At one point, I remember knowing that, hey, this is not really a safe. Person for me to go forward with, but I was so madly in love with her that I went forward with her anyway. Have you ever been there? So she had broken up with me and I was teaching a workshop in her small town. I was teaching writing at the time. Conscious Girlfriend had not yet been born. And I was in so much pain. She had gotten back with her ex. I knew where they lived and I drove by the house. And I was not trying to see her per se. Maybe I hoped I would catch a glimpse of her. I don't know what I hoped for. I just know that I felt compelled to go by her house. And I parked my car and I got out of the house, got out of the car. I walked toward the house. I walked down the driveway a little bit. And her partner, who I had seen pictures of, came out, had no idea who I was probably, and, and said politely, can I help you with something? And I ran. I ran back to my car with my heart pounding, and I drove away. So that was 22 years ago, and I've been through some very hard breakups since then too, by the But I'm also really happy to say that I have gained an enormous number of skills and tools and resources for helping myself and our whole community understand what leads to rollercoaster relationships, what leads to painful breakups, what leads even to toxic relationships at times, how we can prevent them, how we can learn the lessons that we need to learn that are embedded in these experiences. So that we can actually heal and move on and have the beautiful, healthy, happy, joyful lesbian lives that we want and deserve to have. So if that sounds good to you, check out our upcoming classes. We have a class on lesbian breakup healing, and we have a class on toxic lesbian relationship recovery. And I would love to see you in one or both so that you can really get to the bottom of this thing, because Mainstream relationship resources, aka heterosexual relationship resources, don't get us. I believe you will find in a lesbian-centric learning environment like the Conscious Girlfriend Academy, based on cutting-edge relationship research, neuroscience, attachment theory, and ancient spiritual wisdom too, that you will quickly get a level of insight and healing that is just not available elsewhere. At least that's what we hear from our students and participants all the time. So, um, my love and compassion to you, my love and compassion to all of us lesbians and adjacent people that are doing our very best to love and be loved, and we just need some help in the process, and help is available. See you soon.
