Ruth Schwartz, director of Conscious Girlfriend Academy, examines whether lesbians should date bisexual women. She outlines common fears: that bisexual partners are less committed, will leave for men, or bring homophobia. Her 40-year history as pansexual and homoromantic shows sexual orientation labels matter less than commitment and compatibility.
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So I'm back with more on this controversial topic of whether lesbians should date or should not date bisexual or pansexual women. That's Zachariah the zebra behind me, by the way. Um, I think Zachariah might be trans. We, we haven't really talked about it lately. Um, So as I was saying in the last video, a lot of lesbians have fear about dating bisexual women and fear that it will set them or us— I do identify as a lesbian, um, so my lesbian sisters fear that dating bisexual women will set us up for pain. And it is a really smart thing not to set yourself up for pain because there's plenty of pain in this world inevitably regardless, and we want want to make good choices, smart choices for our hearts. I'm Ruth Schwartz. I'm the director of Conscious Girlfriend Academy, which is the leading global resource, believe it or not, for lesbians and queer women and all women who love women or want to, including bisexual women and pansexual women. ConsciousGirlfriendAcademy.com. We got lots and lots of classes, free classes, amazing community, compassionate, intelligent learning community. So, um, back to making smart choices for our hearts. Lesbians often fear that bisexual women will break our hearts because, you know, if she's not 100% in, if she's not committed 100% to loving women, this is going to be my life, um, maybe You as a lesbian will fall in love with her, and then she'll be like, out of here, because she has this other easier alternative in her life since she also likes guys. She might just say, hey, this kind of homophobia thing is too much, or this rejection from family and friends and community and religion, and, you know, this effect on my career is going to be too much, and, you know, it's, it's too hard to live outside of the mainstream of society. Or she might say, yeah, you know, you're hot, you're cute, I've had great sex with you, but I miss that guy thing, you know, that thing guys have between their legs. Well, frankly, we know women can have those things between our legs too. And many of us find it's an advantage because when you're a woman putting that thing between your legs, you get to choose the size, you can get to be hard for as long as you want, you get to stop whenever You or your partner wants. That's a different video topic, however. But if a woman is into penetration, we can do that, right? We know that. But so there are these reasons why lesbians sometimes conclude that we shouldn't date bisexual women. On the other side, I have a lesbian friend who said she actively prefers to date bisexual women. So what's up with that? Well, she said that, that in her experience, the bisexual women she dated were more sexually open. Okay, well, that's interesting. Um, that could be a plus. What I personally think though is that it isn't so much about how someone identifies, it's about who she really is, what she's really capable of in a relationship, and, and also to some extent about her identity. Because I came out 40 years ago. I'm 60. I came out when I was 20. In the last 40 years, I have had one relationship with a man, For, for a year. He was actually a guy I had been with from age 16 to 19. And then we got back together again. God, I can't even remember. I was in my 40s. We got back together again for one year. But other than that, I have been in relationships with women my entire adult life. Women are who I tend to fall in love with. That, that one man was the one exception. But over the years, I've sometimes had sex with men, and mostly it's been when I was between women. Um, you know, I would have a really intense relationship with a woman. We know lesbian relationships, they can be pretty intense. And then we would break up, it would be really painful, and then I would feel like, okay, I'm not ready for my next relationship, but I am ready to have some sex. Lesbians are not always so good at that friends with benefits thing or that casual sex thing. Um, so at those points in my life, I have sometimes chosen to have sex with men because men tend to be better at that. You know, if you say to a guy, like, I just want to have sex and not get emotionally involved, most guys are going to be like, yeah, baby, bring it on. You say to a woman the same thing, even if she says, yeah, baby, bring it on, chances are really high that one of you or the other of you or both of you are going to catch feelings, and then you're going to find yourself in a relationship that you're not necessarily ready for and not necessarily compatible for. But so back to me. So I've just disclosed this fact about my history. Do I lose my lesbian card? Are you going to kick me out of the community? Am I really bisexual? Am I one of those scary women? Um, actually, I identify as pansexual and homoromantic, and what that means for me is that I am capable of feeling sexual attraction to people of all genders and potentially enjoying sex with people of all genders. Now, that does not mean I want to have sex with everybody at all. I'm actually extremely particular, but it just means that my sexual desire is not contingent on what somebody has between their legs attached. But I do find that the people with whom I fall in love, with very rare exception, as I said, one exception in my entire life, are women. And I think that that's because women have really Well, somebody I know said women have 150,000 more neurons devoted to bonding. Women are more emotionally complex. I thrive on that emotional complexity. But I'm talking too much about myself here. I guess what I'm trying to get at is, who is a lesbian? And who is a bisexual woman? And who is a pansexual woman? And can we really rule each other in or out based on these broad categories? Or do we actually need more information? So I'm going to follow up with this in a third video because there's more to it.
