In this live Q&A segment, Ryel Kestano discusses how holding onto specific outcomes during a date can erode trust and intimacy. He advocates for a practice of staying present and, when an agenda surfaces, openly naming it to the other person. By revealing one’s hidden desires—such as a fear of loneliness or a need for companionship—both parties can experience greater self‑awareness, courage, and mutual care. Kestano frames this transparent sharing as a powerful way to invite the other person into the conversation, reduce subtle manipulation, and create a space where vulnerability leads to deeper connection.
Chapters
Yeah, as far as not holding any outcome, yeah, I mean, that's, you know, the first pass of that practice is to not hold any outcome, to be present with whatever is arising. And if we're going to get into the more subtle territory, oh yeah, you know, I notice that I'm holding this sort of like agenda for a particular outcome out of this conversation or interaction. Like, reveal that. That is such a beautiful reveal, right? If you actually have— and it's getting— especially if it's getting in the way, it's like, it's like in the space, like, I'm attached to this agenda, this outcome, this thing that I want to happen, you know? Like, not saying it, that's where it kind of erodes trust and the prospect and possibility of intimacy. But if you name it, right, like, "Oh wow, you know, I want to kind of come clean here. I notice I'm holding on to this, sort of like I'm attached to this kind of desired outcome out of this interaction with you, and I don't, it doesn't feel great for me to hold. I'd rather just be really with you in the moment, but I notice that it's here, and since it's here, I don't want to be run by it, so I'm just going to name it and put it out in the space." Like, wow, like, that, that's great. Yeah, that's a sweet reveal, you know. And the other person's like, wow, okay, thanks for naming that. Like, yeah, this person is both— like, the impact that would be great for the other person to have is that this person is self-aware and attuned to the space themselves, me and all that. I feel cared for, and they're courageous. In sharing something, you know, that they could easily have just kept hidden and subtly sort of tried to manipulate the direction of the conversation towards that end, right? This topic of conversation around what agendas might we each be holding, what sort of desired outcomes might we each be bringing into this date or interaction is a super rich direction to take, right? It's like anytime, like, yeah, you're— it's occurring to you to reveal something like that, to invite the other person as well, you know, like, let's actually be side by side in this conversation. And almost for sure, there are some hidden and subtle agendas going on in the context of a date, right? It's like, I'm— yeah, that's, you know, again, like, you're tracking sort of the pacing of that. But if you can get to that place and the other person's like, wow, yeah, I mean, honestly, I'm just lonely and I'm scared to be alone, and I just, you know, I just really feel like I need to meet somebody so that I can, you know, ward off the fears of loneliness and stuff. Like, wow, you know, what a beautiful conversation that can be.
