In this live Q&A, Ryel Kestano distinguishes between two kinds of people: those who are fixed in their ways and refuse to change, and those who are open to growth but lack the skills or guidance to do so. He explains how this distinction matters when evaluating potential partners or clients, especially in couples coaching. Ryel notes that partners are rarely at the exact same developmental level, but the crucial factor is a person’s willingness to be vulnerable, learn, and do inner work. He observes that resistance—clinging to existing patterns and digging in when invited to transform—often predicts relationship failure, citing a Gottman‑style predictor of breakup risk. Conversely, when both partners are curious, courageous, and open to deep self‑exploration, there is strong potential not only to resolve conflict but to deepen connection. Ryel also shares a practical coaching insight: he can quickly spot resistance in a partner, which signals a likely doomed outcome if the other partner remains open. Overall, the talk emphasizes that openness and growth mindset outweigh where someone sits on the developmental trajectory.
Chapters
This distinction between people who don't want to change and are fixed in who and how they are, and people who are the way they are but are willing to learn and willing to grow and willing to develop, right? So you may encounter somebody who at first interaction, you know, isn't— doesn't have access to vulnerability, isn't revealing, doesn't maybe even know themselves, right? But the key, like, fork there is somebody who's like, and I don't ever want to, right? So I'm never going to go there with you or with anyone, versus somebody who's like, I would love to go there, you know, I just— I don't know how to start, you know, and I— and nobody ever showed me or taught me. How to get there, you know, like that, that's somebody you can work with and grow with, you know. You're definitely pro— almost for sure, when you meet somebody who might end up as a future partner, you're going to be on different levels of like development, awakening, you know, consciousness, skills, and relationship and whatnot. That's probably for sure that you're not going to just meet somebody exactly at the same level. But if you meet somebody, you know, who's like, I mean, I don't know, I guess for those of us who have been in this work and practice a long time, you know, the odds of us meeting somebody who's further back, I guess, let's say, on the developmental trajectory is increasingly likely, you know. So you're probably going to meet somebody who's less, you know, embodied and skilled and access to their own vulnerability. But if they're open to it and they're, they're wanting to go there and they want to grow and they want to learn and they want to develop these skills, like, that's amazing. Like, that's, that's what you want to check. Not that this person is less vulnerable, embodied, whatever, but to what extent are they open to, like, learning and growing in that direction? That's actually what you want to be exploring with this person, you know. And if that's the case, then the discrepancy, the difference between your places along the developmental evolutionary arc shouldn't matter hardly as much, right? It's like, yeah, go take an Art Level 1, and, you know, and they're like, hell yeah, like, sign me up, I'm ready to go. And then they come back just like, oh my God, you know, like Yeah, now I can, I can share, I can reveal, I've got these feelings. Wow, it's opening up this whole world, like amazing. That's like so, so cool, right? But I mean, I encounter people for sure, especially coaching couples, where there is that discrepancy between the two couples or the two members of the partnership. And if one of them— I can tell very quickly if one of them is resistant, you know, they're like clinging and holding on to like their already existing way of being, and they are just not— the more you try to like invite them to transform, change, heal, go inward, whatever, the more they dig in and resist. Man, that's probably doomed. It's really hard to work with somebody like that or create, you know, an intimate, deep, long-term connection with such a person. So I think it matters way more, you know, the willingness of somebody to learn, grow, be humble, look inward, you know, have courage to explore what's there than it is where they are, you know, on that evolutionary pathway. I know it was, I think it was the Gottmans, right, who could predict like whether or not a couple was going to break up very quickly, like based on these certain factors. Like I have a version of that of like exactly this, like resistance versus, you know, openness, courage, and curiosity. Right? If two partners are struggling, but they're both really willing to look deep, and especially deep within themselves, there's every hope, there's every possibility that they can get through it. And not only get through it, but go deeper even on the other side. If I encounter one person who's like that and the other person's just digging their heels in, you know, and blaming and like, you know, dismissing and diminishing. No, it's not going to work out. Sorry, it's just not going to. I can tell you right away.
