Ryel Kestano argues that dating should prioritize genuine connection over immediate romantic spark. He shares how he talked to nearly every seatmate on flights with no agenda, achieving a 90-plus percent success rate in forming meaningful connections, with attraction emerging naturally only sometimes.
I think I want to lead off by saying how my frame for dating really starts with the connection itself. I want to prioritize and make central human connection and the opportunity that the dating context presents to make connections with other humans with this sort of central value and theme of intimacy. And then if, you know, sparks or romance or attraction arises from that central connection, that's a beautiful thing. But we're not attached to it. We don't have an agenda to generate it or experience it. It's a natural arising, an organic arising from the connection itself, from the intelligence and synchronicity of the connection itself. And I think my sense of the sort of modern dating world is that's reversed. It's like there needs to be a kind of like, you know, romantic spark or attraction right away or as a priority, and then connection will derive from that. And I think that just constrains and boxes people in. I mean, I've had just the most meaningful experiences of interaction, connection, in which magnetism arose, not necessarily romantic, just like, I really like and I'm drawn to this person, when I went in with this really open orientation and curiosity and without any agenda. And the example I've often given to clients and in courses is I used to travel on airplanes all the time for work, and I played this little game where I would try to spark or create a connection or conversation with whoever sat next to me, no matter who they were, every single time. And, you know, overwhelmingly, 90-plus percent of the time that happened. And it really, I think, came from this really open-hearted, open curiosity for people, real availability, no constraints or narrowing of my agenda in the direction that that conversation or connection might go. And I just felt so served by sort of coming into these interactions in such an orientation and then being open to wherever that connection might lead. And yeah, it just went all across the board. And I mean, I did it probably 100 times. And within those 100 times, yeah, there's like once or twice where there was a kind of like attraction or romantic spark or something, but it was just like so organically arising from the orientation to open connection.
