In this live Q&A segment, Ryel Kestano critiques the common "checklist" approach to dating, arguing that while some discrimination is necessary to gauge long‑term compatibility, an overly rigid checklist can become a self‑fulfilling barrier. He warns against the myth of instant, "love‑at‑first‑sight" connections, describing them as projections that should raise red flags. Kestano explains that many people operate within an internal "fantasy theater" where they cast potential partners into pre‑written roles that match an idealized soul‑partner script. When the real person deviates from that script, disappointment or manipulation follows, leading to relationship breakdown. Drawing on Carl Jung, he notes that every relationship begins in projection; the conscious goal is to recognize, reclaim, and integrate those projections back into the self, allowing each partner to be seen as a unique, messy individual. He advocates for ongoing, mindful check‑ins on mutual fulfillment and compatibility throughout a relationship, positioning this continuous assessment as a healthier alternative to both rigid checklists and naïve romantic idealism.
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To the extent that you're coming in with this assessing checklist mindset, and the more you're like, no, I don't want that, go away, bad, bad, bad, suppress, like, the more it's probably going to actually be present in your mind. Yeah, you know, so like, I would say let's just acknowledge that that's happening and going to happen. And it's not, let's also not actually make it wrong, right? It's like you actually do have to have some kind of discriminating, you know, mindset to some extent. It's like you're not just gonna couple up with anybody, right? It's like there has to actually be some, you know, sort of process there for determining proper sustainable compatibility, which comes with time. And then, you know, even throughout, you know, throughout a long-term relationship, You're still kind of like assessing, are we a good fit? Are we a good match? Am I feeling fulfilled? Is my partner fulfilled? You know, and then being able to actually like check in on that and respond to that and keep that as a thread. So you don't just, yeah, get stuck in something endlessly without, you know, actually applying some discrimination to whether or not it's a fulfilling experience. So I think it's, you know, it's sort of in the metaphor of like the court of your mind, of your being, of your consciousness. You know, it's a valuable counselor to be providing information as to, you know, the nature of this connection. But what we're trying to encourage is, well, first off, that that's not the only counselor, right? Like in the court, just one of several that's informing you as to the nature and feeling and experience of this connection, and that the connection isn't measured by whether there's, you know, immediate or near-immediate romantic sparks. Like, there could be a meaningful connection there that may not be taking the form of that, and probably won't be taking the form of that up front, but may lead to either a beautiful friendship down the road, which I've definitely experienced, or may lead to a slow burn, gradual romantic unfolding over, you know, many interactions, which is actually, I think, the much more human, organic way of, you know, unfolding into and transitioning into partnership. I don't believe in this immediate, "Oh my God, you're the love of my life." That is just projection up the ass, is what that is. You know, that is not real. That is a fairy tale that is doomed from the beginning, right? Like, in fact, if you feel that immediate, like, "Oh my God, like, the love of my life just walked into the room," like, immediately a massive red flag should go up in your mind. Right? And be like, nope, I'm gonna hold that with great scrutiny, you know? And, and, uh, yeah, like, I don't— it's time to call the advisor. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, those are, those are like wounds speaking. Yeah, yeah, no, this feels so good. For sure. Yeah, exactly. Where, you know, people are susceptible to those. I think the longing is real. The longing to meet the perf— whatever, quote unquote, perfect, compatible, attractive soul partner, right? It's like that longing is real, right? And what— and that because it's real, it's like we're wired to like be oriented to or to recognize or to want to call that in. You know, there is something that lives in us of this vision of this soul-level beautiful partnership. Right, so that is real. I just think it's just so easily imposed and projected onto every, you know, way too often. Either that or total rejection, right? So either one or the other. It's like, this person does not meet my fantasy of, you know, the soul partner, so write them off immediately. Or, oh my God, they do, you know, like I'm already falling in love in the first minute. These fantasies are like internal sort of like theaters within us, like, and the other person is like a role within that sort of fantasy theater that lives in us, right? And like, in within the vision of that theater, we've already sort of constructed these scenes that make up that, that play, right, that the other person's cast in, right? And then, and then, then yeah, we have that experience of like, yeah, wow, this, this is the person, like, this is This is like the person that perfectly fits and slots into these scenes and scenario and play that I've constructed in my imagination, right? And then inevitably, obviously, like that person is going to go against their script, the script that we've designed for them, right? In our fantasy. And we're like, you're not playing it right. Like, what are you— you're supposed to be saying these lines, right? Like, you know, stars in your eyes. And we're supposed to be looking out at, you know, the, uh, the sunset and, and falling in love, and like, you're not doing it right, right? And that, that, man, like, that happens so often. And then, and then either we're like all sad and disappointed and, you know, then start to reject the other person, or we try to continue to pressure manipulate them into playing the role that we've cast them in, you know. And, and either way, it's, it's gonna fall apart, and then we're all disillusioned and everything, you know. So yeah, so I think it's super important to be mindful of how these fantasies and internal plays and the roles that we cast other people in play out, you know, on dates and relationships. And, you know, Carl Jung, who I'm a big advocate and student and follower of, he said every relationship begins in projection, like period. Like it does. It's not that it never— it's not that it doesn't, it does. And so You have to go in understanding that both of you are projecting onto each other, you know, these internal roles without a doubt, right? And the goal of conscious relationship is to identify and then reclaim those projections from each other and integrate them back into their source, which is you, so that you can ultimately see the other person as the true other that they are. Which is messy and unpredictable and idiosyncratic and challenging and triggering and all the things that, that make us the unique, complex humans that we are. And that's the makings, actually, of a real and fulfilling and whole relationship.
