In this live Q&A segment, dating coach Ryel Kestano reflects on the extreme subjectivity of physical attraction based on his experience guiding clients from being single to becoming engaged. He observes that while many clients are compatible and find lasting relationships, the immediate, personal sense of attraction varies wildly and cannot be reduced to an objective measure. Over time, Ryel notes his own decreasing emphasis on physical chemistry, favoring deeper connection, shared values, and long‑term compatibility. He expresses regret that his own narrow focus on appearance in his 20s likely limited his chances for a lifelong partnership, and he argues that young people should be taught a broader framework for mate selection that goes beyond hormones and superficial attraction.
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This attraction piece is super interesting to me because, like, you know, I'm— I've coached a lot of people in the dating world. I'm with them from when they start as single to when they meet somebody, you know, and often they're, you know, they are really compatible. And, you know, several clients have gone on to being engaged and all the rest of it. You know, and like, if I— I don't mean just to be totally blunt, like when I see the person that they're dating, it's like, like, I like— you're just— it's confusing to me, people's sort of subjective experience of attraction, right? Which is, it's, it's so unbelievably subjective, like, like it blows my mind, you know? And I, and I'm, of course I'm filtering out my own personal, you know, sort of lens of attraction or not when I'm working with people, you know, but it's like just an immediate human, like, experience. Do I find this person attractive or, or not at all, you know? And, and, and, and so I don't know, like, I, I don't— I used to think, I probably to an increasingly less degree do I think that there's any importance to an objective measure of attractability or attraction to somebody. You know, like, sure, yeah, there's like beautiful people and I guess ugly people, but as far as like how that plays a role in finding somebody that you are attracted to and, and there's a basis and, and, and, you know, enough of a connection there to build a relationship, like, it's so subjective, right? It's like you can— I I can find somebody utterly unattractive, like completely unattractive, like there's no way, that would just be a deal breaker for me. And like somebody right next to me is like totally ready to spend their lives with this person and is having amazing physical intimacy with this person, you know? And it's like, rock on, like that is awesome. I'm so grateful that that's the case, you know? And that's a thing. I'm— and as I get older, you know, I think we're roughly probably all in the same age generation. Physical attractions is less and less and less and less of a factor for me. Like, I really care so much more about the experience of connection and alignment around basic values. So yeah, to like prioritize physical attraction at the expense of all these other measures of compatibility might even just destine us, you know, put us on the destined path for challenges and difficulties and ultimately separation down the road. I wish, yeah, no doubt, this is something I've been sitting with lately, is like, yeah, if I had access at all to considering these values for compatibility and real partnership that go way beyond physical attraction, I'm sure I would have been more discerning in the selection of a partner at that time in my 20s. I mean, obviously that time is long gone, but yeah, I grieve for the loss of having had or will have the experience of lifelong partnership with somebody because of my very constrained and limited set of parameters in selecting a partner back in my 20s. And this is, you know, to digress a second, I think this is why it's so important to introduce this kind of work and practice to young people, you know, like ideally in their late teens and early 20s, so that they can be armed with this sort of perspective and orientation to, you know, to put it crudely, mate selection, right? That is beyond just hormones and, you know, physical attraction and, you know, like we like to get high and party together or whatever.
