In this live Q&A, Ryel Kestano argues for a slower approach to physical intimacy in dating, emphasizing that norms around sexual pacing are culturally specific. He contrasts the Norwegian "sex before coffee" mantra, which prioritizes immediate sexual compatibility, with Christian‑influenced traditions that advocate waiting until marriage. Ryel contends that emotional compatibility can be cultivated after establishing physical compatibility, and he highlights the role of authentic relating as a practice that encourages curiosity and sensitivity toward differing cultural values. He shares a personal anecdote from a Bali workshop where a local participant left because the open, emotionally expressive format clashed with her cultural expectations, illustrating how relational norms vary worldwide. The discussion underscores the importance of openly discussing intimacy pacing, recognizing personal cultural imprints, and using authentic relating to foster richer, more inclusive conversations about intimacy.
Chapters
You know, this piece around— it's interesting, this piece around like, which I advocate, you know, going slow, especially on physical intimacy, like, you know, really moving slowly. Probably not a good idea, you know, to go into too much physical intimacy too soon. I actually think that's cultural, that's culturally specific to maybe our culture, our environment. Because I was just watching this documentary— a documentary, you can hardly call it that— it's Conan O'Brien, it goes visiting other countries. And like, basically the idea there, you know, with this comic way, is to actually like penetrate into these sort of strange nature of these, you know, different cultures. And he's in Norway, and he's actually talking to a couples therapist in Norway. And in Norway, they have this, this practice and sort of mantra phrase called sex before coffee, which is like, you— yeah, you, you need— you, you should determine your sexual compatibility right away before you even do anything else. So that, you know, what's the point of actually building all of this, you know?
But emotional compatibility can be built and created. That's, to me, that's bullshit.
I mean, totally. And I think they just flip it, but like, they're, they're like, they're like, they— that's more of like the way you are built and are, and everything, the connection, the emotional bond, the da da da, can all actually be built and cultivated, right? After you've like satisfied the primary importance of, you know, physical sexual compatibility. It's a very Christian thing, I would say, right? To like wait, as you know, even up until marriage, right? To actually consummate the relationship sexually, you know? And I can imagine, yeah, you spent whatever, months, maybe even years, like courting and building relationships, and then you get to the finally the point where you actually like, you know, introduce sex and it sucks, right? And it's just gonna forever— yeah, and it's not— and it can't be fixed. It's just this actual, just like physical incompatibility or whatever, which I think is a phenomenon, right? So it makes sense to me. So I think it's valuable just to consider, yeah, like what— and I think authentic relating, honestly, for that matter, is quite a culturally specific practice. Like, you know, one of my values when we— especially when we started Artwall, throughout art— was to really include, like, to, to expand the reach and accessibility of our courses to people who would not otherwise self-select into a personal development workshop, which is, you know, why I did the nonprofit and the, you know, went to the prisons and all that. And I remember being in Bali And we had this program early on of like setting aside a couple seats for like members of the local community to come and participate for free, right? And we had a Balinese like woman come and join us, and within fucking 10 minutes she was like, I'm out. Like, you guys are crazy. Like, this is not how we do things, you know? Like, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. And that was super enlightening, right? It's like Oh, okay, yeah, this whole idea of like sharing yourself and revealing yourself and like these emotions and leading with your feelings, like that is a very distinct kind of language of human connection. And you would never ever do that in many cultures around the world, right? At least not until you're way down the road with somebody. And even then, maybe not, right? So I think it's just useful, back to dating, is to recognize, you know, that the values that you or any one of us may hold are specific to the surrounding paradigmatic culture, and it might be different for somebody else, which then I think authentic relating is useful on the relating side to bring more curiosity, sensitivity, and welcoming for the cultural values of another. And that's what creates these rich conversations, right? It's like, actually, let's talk about our relationship to introducing physical intimacy into relationship, right? Let's actually bring that out into the open, right? It's like, yeah, I don't have any attachments to pacing around that. I'm open to that right away. Or, yeah, no, for me, I actually really want to wait until we're really established, right? These are really valuable, insightful, and intimate conversations to be had if you can come in already recognizing that the values that you hold are specific to your own, you know, imprint of culture and environment and, you know, whatever it might be that's influencing how, you know, you've constructed and wrapped your life around these internal values.
