Hotter, Deeper Sex with John Wineland

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Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, my guest is John Weiland, a speaker and teacher who helps men and women enhance their sexual intimacy. We also answer your emails, including how to create sexual attraction, how to enhance intimacy in all types of relationships, plus different ways to think about penetration. I actually got a lot out of the show. I really enjoyed interviewing John, and I think you're gonna enjoy it too. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend?

'Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks?

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where you can easily subscribe to the podcast. You can review us on iTunes. You can review us wherever you listen to podcasts because we love that. And we also love when you subscribe, you guys, because it really does help the show And it helps you because then when you get a show and you're listening to it, do you know you have to be subscribed so you can keep your place with the podcast? 'Cause you know, we're all so busy, we're distracted, and then you go back and you're like, was I at minute 22? Well, if you subscribe, you don't have to worry about it going back to zero. Also, you can now find us on iHeartRadio platform, which is great, their app or their website, and on SoundCloud, Google Play, Spotify, wherever you listen to podcasts.

Everywhere.

It's awesome, right? That's my guest, John Weinland. Hi, John. I just love bringing— come on, I'm going to bring you in now. I'm going to go through some things here, but John's awesome. I'm really excited to have you here today.

Thank you.

We were talking a little for the show about all the questions we get asked from listeners, and I was like, a lot of it is about like, how do we keep that sexual attraction alive? And what is sexual attraction? Like, if we don't have it at the beginning, can we build that? And then when you're in a long-term relationship, you know, we never want sex at the same time. Um, how do we really connect? How do we enhance intimacy? And what John brings to the table is, um, he's a coach. And how would you explain your work exactly?

Yeah, it's a, it's a difficult—

I tried, I was like, I'm gonna come up with one sentence, and I said, I'm just gonna ask him.

Yeah, uh, I teach, um, sexuality, right? Uh, I, I teach men and women, so I teach sexuality, spiritual intimacy is what I call it, and, um, embodiment, like what's it mean to be sort of bring yourself fully into your body and then have sex versus having sex as a way to kind of get into your body. Yeah, yeah. What, what that does. And, and then I also work with people teaching meditation. I teach movement. I teach all kinds of things in between. But mainly it comes down to, um, how do I deepen my relationship? How do I have a better relationship? How do we have better sex? How do I communicate with her? How do I make her happy. That happens a lot. Like, men really want to know, like, why can't I make her happy? I love her, she loves me, but she's always pissed, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, but really, like, I feel like I'm responsible for my own happiness.

Hmm.

You know what I mean? Like, if someone doesn't make me happy— I understand what you're saying though, that women, like, he's— we want our partners to fulfill all these things for us, right?

But ultimately Well, that— see, that's a tricky one because, um, self-sufficiency is a beautiful thing, right? But if you're too self-sufficient as a woman, right? So women are, are well ahead of men and actually passing men in the capacity to earn money. In 20 years, women are going to make more money than men across the board. We know that when a woman is self-sufficient everywhere in her life, fantastic. Happy everywhere in her life, fantastic. And The relationship can only be as good as the states that both people bring to it. So yeah, of course. However, what the masculine craves is to be able to lead someone who wants to trust him, right? Someplace that she can't lead herself. So what I see with women a lot is they're super successful. Most of the women I work with are super successful, but they bring that self-sufficiency to the relationship and they don't offer the place where they actually need a masculine partner, or it could be a feminine partner, right? Either way, but they don't allow their self-sufficiency to drop away at the crucial moments of relationship and sex, and that actually pushes men away.

Yes.

I'm sure you heard this. This is not like—

I'm sure I've experienced this once in my life.

Yeah, this is common.

No, I don't think that, no, and it's funny, 'cause, well, we're gonna jump right into it, 'cause I was actually just gonna introduce you, and then I was gonna say some other things that nobody probably really is as interested in as this, but, I don't know, I was gonna talk about that you guys should follow me on social media and all that stuff, but I'm just really into talking to Jon right now. But find us on social media. You can check this out 'cause we are taking some videos of this and Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and Twitter. It's all @sexwithemily. Oh, we have some awesome vlogs. We have some awesome vlogs that you're gonna love. They're doing really well, you guys. If you love the show, we are every day posting material that is going to, really help you with all the things we talk about, your sex life, your relationship. We have one called Ethically Sexy Porn with a Plot. Mm-hmm. Yeah, this is for females of the world who want porn worth watching. I get a lot of emails about this and we've got some great recommendations and this blog's doing really well. And then we have From Miss to Mrs. Independent, which is kind of like what we're talking about. How do you get the best of both worlds? Well, it's a little bit like have a fantastic relationship, but don't lose yourself, your independence, your identity, which is a little bit different. But how do you have independence and interdependence in a relationship? So check those all out. And yeah, and Jon, okay. That's it. That's all I have to say.

Yeah.

Okay. I love you all. And I'm glad you're here with me because this is getting good. So, I see what you're saying. And I was kind of just being like, I'm responsible for my own happiness. I get it. I've been with many a man who I'm just like, ugh, why? When I'm with you, I feel worse after. I'm not saying that I haven't felt worse or guys haven't made me, but I do think that I am probably one of those women for sure. And I wasn't always though. You know, it's like, at this point I am, I, take care of myself. I am successful. I have really good friends. I am— God, I have a lot of issues too, but I could see that I could possibly be coming across that way. And then guys are like, I do not see where she needs me. And it is not necessarily like, I need you to pay my rent, or I need you to— but in other ways that I could soften. And I always thought of myself as like, but I am such— I am so feminine. I am so, you know, but there is a certain energy, the way I move, the way I talk, the way I you know, what I would offer to men. So what do you tell these— where would you start with me? Let's just turn this to a therapy session. Do you guys all mind? Because I need a little help.

So, um, yeah, I'm not— I'm not— so there's nothing wrong with that. Yeah, it's all— it's all great to be, you know, in it. In the stages of relationship, we go from this place of give me what I want, right? Like, give me what I want, to this place of let's make it about us, right? Let's make it I'm sufficient, you're sufficient, we're whole human beings. And that's beautiful. But what happens, what gets created in that place where both people are self-sufficient and they're kind of living their own lives, but they don't work on the what we call sexual polarity, meaning the celebration of their opposites, then they become like magnets that rub against each other, right? And if you take a magnet that rubs against another magnet and they were attracted, but they're just constantly— it'll be— it'll, it'll take away the attraction.

Exactly.

So normally what happens is that the attraction starts to diminish because the masculine partner— we're talking about women specifically— the masculine partner wants to be— okay, so we'll dive right in. Yeah, the masculine partner wants to penetrate.

Uh-huh.

Like, the masculine in me, the masculine in you, like, the masculine wants to penetrate. We want to penetrate the world, we want to penetrate energy, we want to penetrate, right? And if there's not an invitation to penetrate some part of you, like, not your business, not your You know, not stuff that you're handling just fine, but the depth of your heart, right?

Oh, penetrating my heart.

Yeah, penetrating your heart.

Like be open?

Yeah.

Oh, and like vulnerable?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

Oh, so annoying. Do that again, okay.

So when you're self-sufficient and you're holding that back, then we're like, what the fuck am I doing here?

Right.

We actually get nourished by your opening, surrender, that kind of thing.

Right.

Yeah.

Right, no, yeah. And I understand that. And so I think that that is— and then there's some— okay, so that's my particular thing. I think that's typical for a lot of men. Women, it flips around, that we're— because we're so afraid of getting hurt because of our childhood. I mean, I know where all my stuff comes from. I've had, you know, gazillion years of therapy. I mean, that's when we always talk about you need therapy, get self-aware. But this is kind of the next level. So in a way, like, I've done a lot of talk therapy, and I know, like, from my childhood and my parents' divorce, and that they didn't really support me and they weren't there for me and I had to raise myself and all that stuff. And we all have things, abandonment. And so I know that that's where I, for example, have shut down and I've done that work. But the stuff that you're talking about, and I talk about some of this stuff on the show more and more so lately because I don't know, I guess I think 'cause I have listeners all over the world and all over the country. Like right now, I think you can't go anywhere really without seeing like a yoga studio on every corner or like the COVID of Time magazine, like mindfulness and people are getting it. Like you could buy a yoga mat at Walgreens. We understand that like yoga and breath and mindfulness, if people kind of get what that means, and that it is more part of the culture now and it's not as taboo. But I think for a lot of people, they still might not really, and I know my audience, I think that people are curious about it, but there might be certain walls people put up to it and they think, oh God, I'm not in California and I'm, you know, I, that's breath, whatever, that's all bullshit. But it's been around for thousands of years. There's a reason why. And so again, like I've done so much talk therapy, but then lately in the last few years I've been doing more and I've always done yoga and meditation, but this is like another level of it, what you're talking about. Is like being embodied. And I can, you know, talk to you all I want about my issues and whatever, but really when you're teaching people that, like, about being embodied— so that's one of your main principles of your work. So, right, I guess that's where I'm going, is that I just want to, like, you guys just come be open. Like, I'm open right now coming to this show right now with, like, an open heart and open mind about what we're going to talk about, because I think this is— I think this work is so helpful for everybody, and I'm I'm certainly going through this now, and I know a lot of people are, and it's just, life can be really challenging. And I think that most times we're our own worst enemies and we get in our own ways, and this kind of work can really just help people break through.

Yeah, where therapy won't.

Where therapy will not. Talk therapy is very limited, and I'm not saying that people don't need it as well. They serve purposes, I think. They do serve purposes for people wherever you're at in your life. But this is another level that even if you can't come see Jon or someone like Jon, although you can because he takes Skype. We will get to how to reach you after. They could Skype with you. But we are going to also talk today, I think, about some practices that people can take away from this. So we are not just talking at you, that there are actually some tools that you could take to see how this feels to you.

Totally.

This journey. Try it on.

Yeah.

So we will talk about embodiment in a minute because I want to go back to the masculine and feminine. So when I was thinking about this show, I was like, I could talk to you for 6 hours. So masculine and feminine energy, though, I think that we all sort of understand that. We all have a masculine and feminine within us. And sometimes I, for example, we were saying I might lead with the masculine and how do I play with my feminine? Is this something that we could kind of explain, go to a little bit more, finish this, and then kind of move into something else?

Yeah, it's really good to define these terms.

Yeah, let's define them.

Yeah, you're right. Everybody has a masculine and feminine, but at our core we have one or the other. So those of, you know, those listeners, man or woman, right, who prefer to be penetrated like prefer to be pinned with some, you know, by somebody that they trust, ravished. Ravished.

Like we're talking sexually. Yeah.

Okay. So you're sexual about it.

You're talking about sexual, not my heart.

Yeah. Well, it's both. I mean, there's no disconnection, right? There's no disconnection.

Penetrate me all over.

Yeah. So, so, you know, the great masculine gift is that I'm going to ravish your heart through your body. Like that's the, that's the masculine gift to the feminine.

But that's hot.

But for a feminine being, she prefers to be penetrated. She prefers to be ravished, right? Well, the masculine being prefers to do the ravishing, right? Prefers someone, someone to surrender to his leadership or his heart or his consciousness. And so that's how you can tell what your essence is, right? What you prefer sexually. Now, a lot of, a lot of people these days want to go back and forth, and that's awesome, right? But if they don't nourish their essence and they don't live in their essence, then and there's this sense of dissatisfaction. There's this sense of not feeling like they're really being— could be who they are, and they don't attract the opposite. So what I see with a lot of women is that their essence is totally feminine, and they want somebody that they trust to lead them relationally, sexually, that kind of thing. Take me someplace I can't take myself, right? That's the value. Yeah, please. Like, this is what I hear from women all the time. Take me someplace I can't take myself emotionally, sexually, you know, lead me that way, right? But to do that, they've got to be a magnet for somebody that wants that. And so sexual polarity is the celebration actually of the essence, the masculine essence in a man or a woman, but typically it's a man, and the feminine essence in a man or woman, but typically it's a woman. And when you have those two extremes magnified, it creates an arc of what we call sexual polarity, like the South Pole and the North Pole, right? Yin and yang. I mean, this is not new stuff. People have been talking about this for thousands of years, right?

Yeah, that's why this is also—

yeah, I mean, yeah, this is—

it's tried and true.

Yeah, yeah. So that's why, um, many long-term relationships— because I know this is a question listeners have— why they're always asking, why is there no attraction? Right, because they're not— they have a lot of resonance, which is beautiful. Resonance creates intimacy. Intimacy is the— the— we're the same. Like, I'm human, you're human. I have a heart, you have a heart. I might be afraid, you're afraid. But that's not very hot, right? I mean, it's beautiful, and it's, it's, it's one pillar of sexual intimacy, but the other pillar has to be, let's celebrate the difference. Like, what makes you feminine at your very core? What's the essence of feminine? And the essence of feminine, from where— from how I've studied and how I teach it, is the essence of feminine is I move love through my body, right? And the more I can move love through my body, the more someone with a masculine essence, whose essence is I'm consciousness, right? I'm—

this is—

you, your listeners might like— might freak out right now, but I'm gonna go there.

Yeah, yeah, go there, go there.

But I am—

stick with this, guys, I promise.

I am at the essence— I am at the essence that which never changes. Like, I don't change. Like, the masculine in me is the same always. The feminine is changing all the time. So you get this— that's why in workshops we teach the men to actually be still and the women to move, because you put those two together and you can see it. It's just like immediate energetics, immediate sexual polarity, immediate heat. And most couples don't practices. They're doing the same thing at the same time again and again and again, right? And they don't actually practice sexual polarity, which is like any skill— playing piano, doing yoga, you know, anything— anything you have to practice it.

Yeah, I always say this, it's like sex is a skill. We— I think we all assume for some reason that sex, we should automatically have all the answers, know how to be really good at sex, whatever that means for you, and It shouldn't be work. And what else in your life, what else in your life are you great at that's really important to you that you didn't have to work at? And it's a skill. And so it's okay. And that's the other thing that is interesting after 12 years of doing this and reading all of your emails and talking to everyone is that people are truly every single day surprised that it happened. They're like, wow, we were, sex was so great, Emily, the first, 3, 6 months, year, and now it's not. What do I do? Like, they're the first person that it's happened to, right? Because people are like, I don't understand and I can't get it back. And this is part of the practice, right? That this is going to happen. I'm like, let's prepare for it, and then here's what we do about it.

Yeah, well, there's so many reasons why that happens, right? I mean, you know, they prove it now that once you commit to somebody, like once you move in together or decide to get married or have a baby or some kind of commitment, You're destined to relive your childhood programming. Like it's now proven. So we're going to attract people that do the same shit that our family did. Exactly. We're going to, if we don't attract them, we're going to take the person who comes and we're going to actually make them do that, right?

Right, self-fulfilling prophecy.

We're going to make them do that. You know, Imago therapy is a beautiful approach to this and they've explained all this. So we're going to do—

Imago?

Imago therapy, yeah, yeah. I-M-A-G-O, yep. And so what to do is— no one— it's not a problem, we all do it, but most of us are unconscious about it.

Exactly.

So we got to get conscious, like, oh, I'm doing this thing, I'm making her do the thing that absolutely kills me, or I'm making him do the thing that is going to ultimately make him do what my deepest wound is. And most of us are unaware that we're doing it. Once we're aware we're doing it, then we can make art with it, we can play with it, we can we can fuck from there. We can do all kinds of cool things, but if we're unaware, then we're just going to unconsciously recreate it.

Okay. So let's talk about you for a second. So you did not come out of the womb consciously aware.

No.

I'm assuming. I don't think anybody does. You're a mess. Okay. So let's talk about you being a mess. So how did Jon Weiland get into this place of consciousness?

Yeah. So I had lots of failed relationships, right? A failed marriage. Most of my failures were my lack of capacity to lead, right? And really, sex— good sex, good relationship— is our capacity to have strong nervous systems. Like, most people think, like, like your listeners, that just happens, right? But no, good sex is, is the capacity for me to be with lots of feminine energy, right? And it's the capacity for you to open and reveal when you don't want to reveal, right? So I, like most guys, thought like if I was a good husband and a good father and I supported her and whatever her career was that it would be cool. That was all that was needed, right? But that's just nowadays, that's just the ante. You know what I mean? Like, this is the entry point to attract a really good woman into your life. Exactly. So I got into this thing and I realized, like, wow, I'm not happy, she's not happy. I don't know how to, like, lead her places or take her places. And I don't want to most of the time. I'm totally disconnected. And so this happened a few relationships in a row, including a marriage, and I came out of it and I was like, fuck, something, I don't know how to do relationship. I'm successful, but I don't know how to do relationship.

You were successful in your work, but not in your relationship, right?

Yeah, yeah, and I was a good father.

Looking good, women liked you.

Pillar in my community, yeah, yeah, I had all the stuff, yeah, yeah, and I didn't know how to do relationship, and something clicked and I was like, well, if I don't learn, the art of how to do relationship, then I'm going to continue to repeat this, right, over and over again. And so I was inspired, and I went and found a couple teachers that I really love, and I just started going there. And it was like a revelation, right, that these concepts that we're talking about today— like, what does it mean to be embodied? Like, what does it mean to have sex from that place? What does it mean to create masculine and feminine polarity? What does it mean to ravish your heart, right? Like, what ravish your heart, how the fuck do I do that?

Can you do that now on the show? No, okay. Yeah, sure, sure.

I mean, of course, yeah. If you and I stood in front of each other and I looked into your eyes and I felt your heart and I started to breathe with you and I started to feel the part of me that desired you, you would start to feel like I was ravishing you.

Yeah, so it's okay.

It can happen. I mean, this is the thing about attraction, it's not a choice. And if your listeners could get that, that attraction isn't a choice. So on the other side, if you were sitting next to me and you just started to get connected to the place of you that's pleasure, right? That feels pleasure, that loves pleasure, I would have no choice but to start looking at you. I couldn't help it. It would be like physics. I could not help it.

Like you could feel that energy. I was like, took a moment, breathe, and I was like—

Pleasure and vulnerability, you put those two together and that is irresistible for the masculine. Depth and fierce love, right, are irresistible to the feminine. And if you practice actually making those things felt through your body, then your partners will be attracted to you.

So let's say I start practicing, like I'm learning these practices and I'm in my body, but I'm with a partner who— he's just one of these regular guys who doesn't really know how to matter. He would feel it.

He would totally feel it.

So it's not even like if someone's listening, they're like, my partner doesn't, they could do the work on their own and maybe their partner would.

Yeah.

You think it's like that?

Yeah, it's like that.

I've heard about this.

It's like that because you evoke, we're always evoking from our partners and the world the opposite of the energetic that we're putting out. So if you are at the extreme ends of the feminine in your body, at any moment, then you're going to evoke the deepest masculine that I have, okay? And vice versa. And so if people just learn to evoke—

let's say I was shut down and you were the guy, how would you— you would be standing still and you would—

no, no, you know, I mean, I would be present.

Present.

I would be present, yes. And I'd be present and I would start to put my awareness, meaning I would start to put my attention inside of you, in your heart, on your breath. I would kind of feel where you're at, like, how's her day been? Like, oh, she's in a bad mood, or whatever it is. I would do something from that place that would open you, free you, create energy in your body, like any number of things that I could do, but most men are trained to avoid the bad moods. You know, avoid when she's in a bad mood, you know, what's the one I hear? Like, she's like a self-cleaning oven, let her clean herself.

Yeah, yeah, well, they don't know how to handle all that. All the energy coming out of them.

They don't, because they haven't trained their nervous system.

Okay, so that's—

'Cause they don't breathe.

So let's talk, okay. So women, yeah, we're gonna have that energy. We're gonna have good days, bad days, and men can have those too, but we're saying we're in the feminine, and you teach men how to kind of weather that, if you will, or how to deal with it, how to take it in and not— 'Cause women, that's what, when you said, "How was your day?" I'm like, "That's all we want. Like, ask us how our day," right? I mean, many women, I've been in those kind of relationships, and I think people can relate. We're like, he doesn't even ask, he doesn't, you know, and so, I mean, I know it's not just about that, but there's a certain presence to that and certain care.

You want more though.

Of course.

You want more, you don't want us to just ask how your day, you want us to feel how you feel about your day and then love that, right? So, you know, I do see a lot of men like suffer through the, okay, I'm gonna come home, I'm gonna ask her how her day is, I'm gonna be there for like 15 minutes if she's still Where are you going? That can all be avoided if I came into the house and no matter what mood you were in, I kind of like pressed my belly into you and I breathed with you and I just gave you a couple seconds of really meticulous attention. And if you were in a bad mood, I would do something. I don't know. I mean, I've done all kinds of things and try this at your own risk, listeners, but I've thrown her over my shoulder and spanked her. I've twirled her around. I've said, come sit on my lap with your bad mood. And I'd kiss her neck until she giggles, and I would do anything. Usually the formula is—

Those would all work, by the way.

Totally, they always work. Physicality, some kind of physicality, some kind of attention and awareness, and often humor. So if men just learn to master those things and they bring it, they can bust through virtually any bad mood.

Even the guys who are the most blocked. You were like that.

Yeah, I mean, I had some skills, but you know, nothing close. And I had to practice, man. I had to go on faux dates. Like we would have these workshops where we'd go out on these faux dates and my teacher would send us out and he'd say, okay, so your job is to make this woman have a whole body orgasm the entire dinner. Right? So we would have to practice certain things and we'd have to leave. Did she know that you were trying to have her have a whole body orgasm? Yes, yes, it was all set. And her job was to make me want to give her, you know, and so we would have to go to these hour-long dates and we'd actually practice what that looks like. And we'd always fail somewhat and we'd always succeed somewhat. Then we come back and we talk about what we did. And so this is, you know, like any skill, you've got to practice this stuff, you know? Right.

Yeah. I'm talking to Jon Wineland, by the way, if you're like, who is this fascinating guy? They can find you at jonwineland.com. J-O-H-N. Easy to find. Wine.

Wine like you drink, land like you live on.

Yeah. Okay, so let's talk about embodiment because I've been talking about that on the show a little bit. Like, through, you know, it comes up and we talk about being embodied, being in your body, and you, you know, it's a thread of all the work that you do. So let's talk about it. How would you define it?

So let me just zoom out for one second. Yeah. So there's 3 ways that we could have sex, right? We could have sex physically, meaning, you know, bodies, 2 bodies together, right? Focusing on the outside of your body. You know, there's the clitoris and there's the breasts and there's, you know, I have a penis and there's that whole thing, right? And that's where most of us live, right, in the physical realm. There's also emotional sex. Like, you could feel me feeling your heart. We talked about penetration, right? So I could, you know, penetrate you emotionally, like feel what you're feeling really deeply and all the way up and down your body if I practice. And then the third part of sex is this energetic piece where we're talking where one of us is in our feminine and one of us is in our masculine. Hopefully you in the feminine, me in the masculine, and we're having sex from that energetic place, right? So it feels literally like the whole body is being, you know, you're inviting me with your whole body and I'm penetrating you with my whole body, or it's energetic. So most of us live in that first realm And so this embodiment piece is essential to get into those higher realms. And in the third realm, that's where we're talking about hour-long sex, multiple orgasms, weeping, cervical orgasms, withholding ejaculation, spiritual sex. Like, you know, Emily Morse says it was a spiritual experience. That's what we're talking about.

And I think that's what— yeah, that's what a lot of people, I think, when they want more connection. But that's another layer. But I think people would be like, I want that.

Yeah, who the fuck doesn't want that? Like, I want to have my— I want my sex to inspire me and make me, you know, feel divine and fill me with love and make me happy to be alive, right? So embodiment is the practice of moving from living in our heads, which most of us do. We're thinking, thinking, thinking. We've got our iPhones out. We're literally living energetically in our heads and moving us down energetically through breath and just, just breath and awareness. If you breathe into your belly and you place all your awareness into your, you know, into the lower part of your body, you're actually going to be felt in the lower part of your body, right? So the practice of literally becoming more aware of our bodies and using breath to be in our bodies. And then the other piece of embodiment is taking something that is ethereal, like let's call it seduction. So take seduction, right? Most women would love to know how to seduce a man more. So this is an ethereal concept, but you could actually make that real through your body so that not only you felt like so confident and in touch with the seductress in you, but I would feel it. So it's almost like your body becomes a transmitter transmitter for this ethereal concept, or we could take fierce love, right? And I could get so present and so filled with this thing that you would feel fierce love coming from me.

Even if I just like came in the door and was on my phone, like doing a snap or something?

Now, it might take longer than 30 seconds for you to feel it, but if I stayed there and I just kept looking at you like, "I fucking love you. You're so beautiful," and I just was giving you that energy through my body, Right. You'd have no choice.

I'd be like, forget it.

You'd have no choice.

Yeah.

Eventually. Yeah.

Send that shit. Right.

No, unless you were really mad at me about something. Oh, right. That's a whole different—

God. Right. Okay. So the energetic sex. So you're saying like, would we— is it the kind of thing if you're going, yeah, I want that. Or maybe they don't want that. They're like, I'm just happy I found the clitoris last week, which is awesome, guys. We're not saying this is like the only way to have sex. I feel like when I first started learning, Years ago, people think of tantra, everything about, you know, breathing together and delayed ejaculation, all that. But we're not even labeling it that. It's more like we would both have to, when we see each other, connect before we actually had penetrative sex. Of course we would breathe together and we would, right? Or does it now, is it just like with your, it just flips on for you when you're with someone? Or is it more like you still have to have that intention together and meet at that place?

Yeah. Well, men are more like blowtorches and women are more like crockpots in this realm. Right? So, so yeah, it takes some— of course it takes time. In fact, I say women shouldn't even have sex unless they're feeling like the man that they're with fully— like eye contact, does he feel my heart, is he with me fully? Like hopefully, you know, matching breath. So a way to start having energetic sex is to start breathing with somebody, start feeling like— and this is the masculine.

I'd be a fucking born-again virgin if I waited for that. But it sounds like a good thing. Yeah, you could just send me guys that you've trained, maybe.

Yeah, but, but, but you can, you can, uh, and, and I— you can, um, slow it down and encourage him to come from that place, right? You can, you know, a woman could, like, you know, just artfully, like, just stroking his chest, like, no, just, I want to feel you, right? I want to feel you feeling my heart. I mean, if I was a guy and I wanted to be with you, I would go, "Okay, like, here." So women can invite.

They can invite the energy. That's true. I guess what I've experienced, and I think a lot of people, is that it's just this— all those layers from childhood, from life, like people that don't like touch, for example. People are like, "I don't want to be touched that long," or "It makes me uncomfortable," or people don't like massage. I'm like, where's the wound? I mean, I like what you're saying, invite it out, but I guess.

Well, if you buy this concept that you're going to evoke from him a deeper version of him by revealing more of what's true. Like, so for example, let's say you're with a guy and he's not feeling you, but you know, you're making out, but you're just like, this guy's not feeling me. And you know, I always encourage women to stop and go, would you like to know what I would need to trust you more? Would you like to know? And rather than abandon themselves and have sex when they don't feel fully connected—

which so many women, I think, they do that, and men, but I hear this from women all the time that they're like, I just kept going because it's already started and I didn't want to stop it and feel rejected. But how great would be that if you are embodied and you are that self-aware? Because you should never continue with anything. There's no contract. You don't have to be there. But to be able to have that self-awareness and stop it and say, "You know what I would really need?" I mean, then what would I say?

Give me an example. Okay, so, "Would you like to know what I would need to trust you more?" And any man worth his salt is going to be, "Yeah," unless he's just so triggered by a powerful woman or anything like that. Then he'll be, "Yeah, sure." So you might say, "I would need you to look into my eyes." "Right." "I would need you to kiss me slower." "Right." "I would need to feel you like really feeling my body." Or "I would need you to—" I mean, most women don't even know they can ask this shit. Right?

It's so good.

Yeah. It will evoke the part of him, because men want to make you happy. We do. We want to make you happy.

They do. They really do. And we want to make men happy, but it's just we don't know how.

Yeah, but feel the difference between "I would need you to feel my body" versus is like, slow down, or like moving his hand someplace, which is what, you know, which is it. One occurs to the masculine as a heartfelt request. The other occurs as kind of a, um, sometimes like a, like a— I don't want to even use this term, but it does occur to men like this, like a castration, right? Like, I don't trust you to fuck me well, so I'm going to tell you how to fuck me, right? Exactly. And, and most guys would not be with a woman like that, right? Would want to be invited, would want to be— I mean, she can ask anything she needs to ask, but there's an art to—

There is an art, and that's what you teach through this work, which I think is fascinating.

If I could give them something, a communication piece, because this is your thing, communication is lubrication, right? So, "What I would need to trust you more," right? I mean, who's going to argue with that?

I know, I love it.

If he does, he's an asshole. And find somebody else.

And then do you find that men though are also coming to you and saying, like, what's the big thing that men are coming to you saying about sex, for example?

Well, there's two camps. One camp is, I want to— I'm with somebody and I don't know, she, like, she's in her masculine most of the time, she's leading, and so I'm like, I'm the one wanting connection and she's like off making millions of dollars, right? Right. So that happens a lot where there's been a reversal of that polarity we talked about. And so they're coming to me because they're in pain around that, right? And how do I sort of take the masculine role? And then the others are like, she wants this, she wants my attention all the time, and I just like, I love her, but shit, like, how do I live my life? And she's always angry at me because I'm not giving her enough. Exactly. How do we communicate about this or talk about this or resolve this. And so those are the two things.

Yeah, and those are the— what, right? I love that. And I, you know, I think I felt both those things. It's definitely the, the latter thing, probably, that, that we all want more attention and energy, feel loved, and we want to feel ravished. And guys like, I, I do, I care about you, but I'm doing this other thing. So you teach them to first get in their bodies, connect, breathe together. I love what you said about coming home and like hugging and breathing together. Like, that would just change everything, you know? Then you'd feel more connected. So I'm so glad you're here because you're going to help me answer some emails in a minute, which is going to be very useful. But tell me about your upcoming workshop and how people can find you and work with you.

And yeah, thank you. Thanks for giving me that. Um, I'm teaching in London next, uh, September 16th and 17th, um, in Angel. And, uh, that is— I'm teaching with a woman I teach with named Kendra Kunoff, who's fantastic. And then I'm also doing a 5-day retreat in Hawaii in September. And those are these retreats where you kind of dive deep and we get you into the spaces that we're talking about, work through any blocks you have, all that. So those are two workshops. And then I have long-term programs, like a year-long program for men, and I'm doing a 7-month program for women starting in November.

Okay, and people can take it from wherever, or they have to be in California?

Yeah, no, no, the, the— well, the workshops, you might be there, but yeah, you They take these programs from wherever. The guys I work with are all around the world. The women as well. And then we come together for workshops, 2 weekends together. And then the rest of it, we kind of— I give them a program to work and practices to do and ways to take this home or take it to the next man or take it to their next date.

Exactly. No, that's amazing. I know you've helped a lot of couples, a lot of men and women change their lives. I understand it. Wondering how to actually have the better sex that we're always talking about. Okay, so you can, and you can find it all at johnweinland.com, which will also be on our site and all that. Okay, so we're going to take a quick break, give a shout out to our sponsors. Thank you everybody for supporting our sponsors. I never talk about a product or a service that I have not used and that I don't love. So thank you for supporting them, help keeping the show free, and we'll be back to answer emails. Okay, let's get into emails because actually a lot of these topics are going to be touched on in some of these emails. So everybody, thank you for emailing me. I love hearing from you. Oh wait guys, if you have a question you want me to answer on the show, I love that. We made it really easy for you guys to ask me a question. You can do a few things. You can text me your question. All you do is text ASKEMILY, one word, to 797979. So you just text ASKEMILY, one word, and then what happens is you get this— I'm explaining it because I think it was confusing— you'll get a link automatically, and that'll be the same link that you'd get if you went to the website, and you get to fill out your question there and send it along. You can also go to the website sexwithemily.com, click on the Ask Emily tab, and as always, I love it when you include your gender, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Ready? Yep. Hi, Emily. I'm a longtime listener and I love your show. Thanks for helping educate everyone on sexual health issues. I'm currently divorcing my wife of 20 years. Our sex life was part of the problem leading to our divorce. Her libido was nonexistent, especially after kids. I had an affair about 6 months before the divorce started. I was sure I'd have a future with the other woman, but it hasn't worked out that way. She really gave me something I was missing for so long. Making me feel incredibly desired and attractive. Since it didn't work out with her, I've been trying to move on. I met another woman who on paper is everything I could want. She's funny, attractive, has her life together. She seems to enjoy spending time with me. The problem is I don't have that burning draw to her that I did with the affair. How realistic is it to expect that hot attraction in a relationship? The sex with the new woman is good. It's more of a feeling that's missing, something that's hard to explain. Explain. I'm starting to wonder if that feeling I had with the affair was mostly because the affair was forbidden, which adds to the heat. I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts. Keep up the awesome work. James, 43, Ohio. So James, uh, yeah, thank you for your question here. So I'm just smiling because, I mean, this is so many things that we hear about and so many of the questions. I think it's really confusing to you because you're with your wife, you had an affair, and now you're, you know, with somebody else and You're just feeling like, what about this, like, good on paper thing? How important is attraction? How do I get back to that same energy I had with the woman? You're in your head trying to figure all of this out. And my first thought when reading this is like, I think that maybe you should take some time without a relationship right now. Totally. I'm like, dude, like, you are going from one to the next, the next, and 20 years with your wife. I think that there's some unpacking to do and figure out what did you learn from that experience? You know, what do you really want now? You're James, you're at a different place in your life now than you were 20 years ago. And just trying to date and kind of fill that void right now, because you're so used to having a woman with you. I think that you need to do some work on yourself. And then figuring out, you know, right? Would you say, John, like, I see John in Hawaii or something?

Smiling and smiling and nodding because men need to, and they very rarely do, take time without any dating, any sex, just completely get connected to themselves, find out who they are, find out what the issues were. Because if we're always chasing a woman, right, or doing that, then we're never really looking at ourselves. So I took almost a year with no dating, no sex, no flirting. Literally, like, I'm just gonna, like, I'm gonna rake my leaves and I'm gonna meditate and I'm just gonna be with myself and kind of find out what's going on. Why are my relationships always kind of faded away this way. And so I agree with you completely. Yeah, take the time off, man. Take 6 months, really let it go. And from that place— see, this is what we're talking about— from that place of the masculine grows in solitude, right? And so he'll actually develop a stronger masculine himself, which will attract someone who is more— who's probably more energetically inspiring to him. But if he's coming from this place of I'm just jumping from one relationship to the other, he's bringing this kind of muddled energetic, and most really good women will feel like, I can't trust this guy. He's not even really leading himself.

Yeah. So he'd have to do some work though, not to be alone sitting home, like, watching TV, drinking beer. Not that that's anything wrong with that sometimes, but I'm saying, like, he'd have to really do some of this thinking about what he wants, Yeah, what do I need to do before I die, right?

What's the kind of relationship that I really want to create? Why haven't I been able to create it? Most guys that I lead through this process, and I lead quite a few, the shit comes up. You don't have to wait too long, like a month or two by yourself, and all of a sudden, like, grief and sadness and fear and all of this shadow stuff that's been there for years will start to come up, and you really need to clear that out. Because if not, what do you bring into the relationship? Right? Just this unprocessed stuff. Exactly.

And we all have that stuff. So that's why I'm saying everybody needs to do this. Yeah. I mean, I don't love saying everybody needs to do something. It makes me feel like, okay, like this, you know, dictator. However, I do believe that we, we all have, have work to do and that we don't give it time to breathe and to be alone. And I've had to go through this. I was always in a relationship going one man to the next. Like, I felt like I was like a monkey swinging from the vines. Like, I'd break up with this one and there was another one, another one. I was like, I just want to be without a man. And I finally did. Like, it took me forever, but I— it was like the most useful— talked about a lot on the show, but it's, it's good time to do it. So I'm not even gonna— yeah, well, there's more questions about attraction that we'll get into because, because James, we're not even gonna help you with these women. I think you just need some time alone right now. Okay. Hi Emily and crew, your team is so awesome and helpful. I've been listening to the show for about 6 months now and it's really helped me get more more in touch with my sexuality, I'm so thankful. Now that it's been 6 months since my last relationship, I'm getting back into the dating game. I've recently gone on a few first dates with 2 different guys via dating apps. I'm curious about attraction and first dates, specifically those dates that come about from a dating app. I found this recent guy physically attractive in some ways, and in other ways not so much. I enjoyed our conversation and I felt as though our personalities clicked. I'm not sure if I feel enough sexual chemistry or attraction. Can you tell just from one date how much sexual chemistry we could have? Is it worth it to go on a second date if I'm unsure? Any help and advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks a million, Jackie, 23, Fresno, California. I love this question because I'm thinking about, like, first of all, I think about this a lot. I get a lot of questions about this from men and women. I think if I don't feel on the first date, if the first kiss wasn't there, it was really bad, like, should I just end it? Like, we had a great talk and a great connection, And I said, no, like, you have to give it another try. I believe, unless it was like horrible and they said something that was just against something that you just— there was too many red flags. But if it's just that you didn't necessarily have the chemistry, but you found that there was something, I think that we go into dates, we have so much fear. We're not— most people are not embodied and really know what they're looking for. We're nervous. We might not even be tapped into our sexual energy at that moment, even if we're trying to be attracted to you. There's a lot that could go wrong. So I feel like She should. If you're unsure and it's not like a definitive no, that people should give it another chance. That's my take on it. Sometimes the relationships where you have all that crazy chemistry the first date, we can talk about that, that could be a whole nother show, but they're not necessarily the right partners for us per se. But what would you say about this? Like, can you tell from one date how much sexual chemistry, the potential?

No, I would agree with you. It's dependent on all those things. I would have her get clear on what she really wants. Like, what do you want this man, whoever he is, whether it's this guy or not. And then she could practice. Like, I tell women, use dating as practice for really coming from a place of your deepest femininity. If what you want from a man is someone who leads you, someone who can take you someplace you can't take yourself, what does practicing that on a date look like? And then if you—

what does it look like? You probably teach women, right? You're learning this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, so we teach it. It would be, well, if you want him to lead, if you want him to lead, then don't tell him how to drive. Right? So perfect. A real easy example is if you want somebody who's gonna lead, don't tell them how to drive. Don't tell them where the directions, don't like literally like, don't get the check. Don't like, literally do not, literally sit on your hands.

Don't even do the reach. Don't even do the reach. Really? I always do the reach. I've heard this.

Not if you want him to lead. If you don't, if you want like an equal partnership, then that's a different thing. But what are you wanting from a man? Like what's most important for a partner? And if they're clear on that, and then they just practice finding ways to be the opposite of that, then— Give me an example of that.

So how could be the opposite of that?

Okay, so what happens a lot in dating is that women are so capable right, that they actually step in and lead a date. Yeah, so, so practice, so practice just waiting. Like, I, like, I, I don't know, I trust you. Like, I trust you. Where would you like to, you know, it's up to you. I'm here with you. Like, I, I trust you. And, and because, because men actually have been taught, and this is one of those byproducts of post-feminist life, right, that we should like, you know, check, which is great and it's very polite, but we when you're talking about sexual polarity, that stuff should go out the window. And this is controversial in a lot of ways, but fuck it, you know what I mean? So let's do it. So, you know, why not let him lead and you can just wait? Like, I'm sure you'll pick a great place. But when you feel like she never knows and then we'll get there and she won't like anything, like guys are like, they always say no, no, no, men are dying, men are dying to like go, okay, great, let me show you this "this is my favorite place," right? And then you're on the way there and you know— Don't Waze for him. Yeah, do not Waze for him. Absolutely do not Waze. Don't say this way is quicker. And literally let him lead because if you do that, then you'll actually see is there spark? Is there polarity? Because you'll evoke more masculine from him. You'll be sort of like, you know, in a certain way surrendered a little bit to his leadership because you're just making the choice to do that. And if there's no sexual energy there, then maybe, you know, like maybe— or he doesn't— like let's say you really— you're a woman, this woman here, and she goes and she really tries to just let him lead the whole experience, and she gives him, you know, she gives him kind of moment-to-moment feedback. Like let's say he does something really cool, like he pulls out her chair. So rather than just kind of like not saying anything, there's like a smile or a giggle or something that tells him, "I like this." Yeah, you gotta let him know that you need it too, right? Otherwise, guys are dense. Guys are dense. Yeah, they are, right?

We need to know. They're like, "Oh wow, thanks for doing that." Yeah, I'm big on the reinforcement. I'm like, "I really appreciate when you do that. That felt so great when you kissed my neck." Totally, absolutely. 6 years ago. Can you do it again?

And then we want to do more of it. Right. And if you literally do that and the guy is not responding, well, then you have some pretty good information. But I would even give that a couple dates if it's a good guy.

Give it a couple dates. It's true. So that's interesting. So Jackie, I feel like give it another chance, but then also figure out what you want. And I want to go for a second, I want to go back to what you said. Why about what you want? I feel like, and I'm realizing this lately just with, I don't know, I guess I've known this for a while, but it keeps coming up that Literally everything in life that we want to do, whether it, you know, work, health, personal, is about figuring out what you want. And you think that would be such an easy task, but it's really, really hard. You think, well, it's what I want, like no one else can tell me. But even with dating, I'm like, figure out what you want. I think people don't even know where to start because they think that they know what they want, and it might not be.

Like, so I think it's less complicated than that, especially for women, right? There's not a woman that I talk to— okay, and I talk to hundreds of them that don't want presence. Not like, not like from Tiffany's wrapped up, but like your presence, your presence, your capacity to be in the here and now and feel, right? There's not a woman alive that doesn't want to be felt deeply. There's not a woman alive that doesn't want to be, you know, held in presence. It's the new currency. It's more valuable, the ability to lead and be present with a woman is more valuable than being able to make money and take care of her or keep her safe. 100 years ago it was different. It's so true. Now depth, presence, integrity, all of these sort of noble masculine traits are really truly valuable in a relationship. They really are. Most women, when I actually question them like, oh, I want a guy who's my best friend, I'm like, do you really? Like, couldn't wouldn't you have a woman that's your best friend, but then this guy's like fully present with you and fucks you to God? Yeah, like, you know what I mean? Like, wouldn't you rather have that from your lifetime partner? Yes.

I never thought the best friend thing made sense, but it doesn't. I was like, no, I have enough friends. Like, you don't need to be my best friend. No, but, but I get—

okay, let's talk about When Harry Met Sally, you know. Yeah, like, I've tried.

I— no, I don't be my best friend. We don't need to know everything. Talk about, uh, fucking me to God, because I've seen you at quotes, "Fucking a person to God, a woman to God." You've talked about that. I was reading some of your blogs or some posts. What exactly does that mean? Or would I know if I were to have been fucked to God?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would be something you'd want to happen again and again and again. I actually, my teacher, a guy named David Deida, actually coined that term. What it means is it means having the kind of sex that leaves a woman feeling like she was opened by God. Yeah, like in touch with the divine. And, you know, without getting too woo-woo here because we are in LA, but, but we can't be— yeah, being penetrated so deeply that she's a puddle. Um, she's—

yeah, I think I've had that.

Yeah, yeah, most people have those experiences, but not enough, right?

Okay, I love it. It's great. All right, very helpful. We have another email. Hi Emily, I'm a recent listener during my work commute. I love all the great information. You're very inspiring. Here's a little background. My wife is 2 years younger than me. We've been married for almost 5 years, and she's the only woman I've ever slept with. We have a 3-year-old girl, and my wife is currently 6 months pregnant with our son. We abstained from sex until we were married. At the beginning of our marriage, the sex was pretty good and fairly often. Within a short time though, the frequency really went down. On average, we have sex once every 2 to 3 months. Last time we had sex, I went down on her for several minutes and she went nuts. It was so hot. I find myself horny a lot because I find her extremely attractive, plus she's my wife, but I have to resort to masturbating almost daily so that I won't bother her with sex requests. How do I talk to her about our intimacy? Anytime I bring it up, she either gets defensive and shuts down, or she just gets really apologetic and blames herself and feels bad. Right now she's blaming her lack of desire on the pregnancy, but when she's not pregnant, it's no different. I'm trying to read more about sexual health and marriage, and I love listening to your podcast. I want to tell her about everything I'm learning and how good it can be for us. I often feel distant from her, like we don't have a connection anymore. I feel like we're just roommates. I'm really open to how I can move forward with the situation. Please share your thoughts with me. Thank you, Nick, 26, Idaho. I know. Oh, Nick. Yeah, Nick, I, I, I love, I love this email and thank you for, for emailing me and for listening. And I think you guys should listen to the podcast together. I found like a lot of couples have, it's really helped them because sometimes it can be hard just to on your own be like, babe, I heard this thing. And she's like, I'm pregnant. I don't want sex. Okay, so Nick, I hear what you're saying here. It's been busy. You guys got married. Now you have another kid on the way and you guys just probably doesn't sound like you were really connecting initially. I mean, you're having sex at the beginning like most couples do, which is why they don't think it's work. And you were having great sex and now, you know, your wife's been pregnant for a long time, probably last few years it sounds like. And how do you talk about the intimacy? I think that I hear this from men and women on both sides, but they're like, people don't even understand what intimacy means. Or connection. And then this lack of desire, mismatched libidos, and what do they do about it? And I think right now, you know, she's pregnant. I think you do have to probably tread lightly and you wouldn't want to like spring a whole bunch of new terminology, new information on her. But I do think you can start having conversations in a way that will resonate with her. And I feel like it comes down to communication and the language, maybe perhaps that you're using because you're saying that she's getting to defensive and shuts down, which I think is really, really common, especially when she wants to have sex with you. She wants to feel connected for you, Nick, and she wants that intimacy. But I feel like it's gotten so tangled, and this is what happens. I think you kind of have to— couples have to kind of untangle all these other things to even get to the sex place. Because who knows, she could be resentful about the kid or what happened with, you know, with the baby, and he wasn't helping. I don't even know what happened, but, but there's so many layers that have piled on on top of them that they can't even get to the sex and have that conversation. So it's the way you ask. So don't you hear couples oftentimes, Jon, they're like, you know, why aren't we having sex more? We just, we want to shut down. So it's the way that you bring it up. So what would you advise here? Like a different way?

Yeah, I have a different take on this. And I think almost always when I see a couple like this, and this happens a lot, it's because there's withholds and resentments that aren't being shared. Yeah, and so when a woman is losing sexual attraction for a man, it's because she doesn't trust him to hold her truth and her feelings. So as a man, I would say something like, I would set up a container, a conversation, right? Where, look, baby, I can tell that since we're not being intimate, I know it's not your fault. I know the— I know it's not your fault, and I know you don't want me to feel bad. Is a great way to take the blame off of her completely. But I know there must be something that you're withholding, so I just want you to take 5 minutes and you're just going to tell me everything that you haven't told me or that you need to tell me. Places where you're upset with me, or places where you have judgments about me, or places where you feel like I'm not showing up, or things that I'm doing that are bothering you. And I'm just gonna listen and let you know. And if a man can actually do that and a woman can bring all of that truth and he cannot collapse and he can actually say, "Wow, baby, that makes sense. Thank you for sharing that with me.

Like, so glad you got that off your chest." Yeah, get defensive and not try to— That's a sexy man.

That's a sexy man. That's a sexy man. And so women often, their libidos are often connected to resentments and withholds. And if they don't feel like they can share them with their man because he's too upset, then that will cause libido to take a plummet. I've seen this again and again.

So yeah, I was feeling like they— this is what happens. It's the resentments that they, they build it up, build it up, and then there's no way to get there. So he has to also though be in the place where Nick is able to do that. Like, that's such a hard— like, it sounds so easy when we're saying it, but for him to be like, oh wow, that, that— and his brain, you might be thinking, we've already talked about this, it wasn't my fault, you know? And you have to just be that still man.

Yeah, because if she's feeling it, it's true for her. Whether or not— I mean, most can't argue with you. You can't argue with her, especially a feminine being, right? And the other thing that's happening with them is, you know, the feminine— the feminine in me, the feminine in you, feminine in anybody— it's the part of us that wants love, right? So if I'm in my feminine, I'm wanting to connect with you. I'm— and I do this with my girlfriend all the time, like, hey baby, you know, that's my feminine, like, let's connect. The part of me that wants to not be burdened and be free is my masculine, right? So they've reversed it. He's now wanting to connect, like, why aren't we connecting? Why aren't we having more love? And she's like, don't bother me, I'm pregnant. You know, and it's a reverse of polarity. So the way to get that back, Nick, is to take responsibility for where the relationship is 100%. Like, baby, I must not have made it safe for you to share what's going on with you. I must not— I blamed you. I must have been blaming you for our sex life. It's totally not your fault, of course, you know, but I want us to create a culture where you can bring anything to me. You can tell me anything, and, and I'll just listen and love you for it.

Okay, so Nick's in Idaho and he's holding the space for her, and he's saying— she's saying all this stuff, and then what? And then he's like, okay, that's good, babe, I got it. Thank you for telling me. Now I'm going to be better on all those 18 million things that you're upset with me about. Content doesn't matter.

The content really doesn't matter.

What matters is that she feels able to say that she was able to express it. Yeah. And it's the way he's talking, it's the way he's saying like, and he's just listening.

Well, you know, I love Imago dialogue. I teach this and you can find it, you know, if you email me or whatever, I can send it to him. But the Imago dialogue is a great container where she brings it and at the end of it he just says, you know what, baby, that makes sense. And then he will empathize with her, like, right, I can imagine that when I when I do this, like, this makes you feel crazy. Or I can imagine when I'm on the couch and I don't, you know, clean up after myself, you want to kill me. And I can imagine that this, and I can imagine that. And he literally puts her feelings ahead of his. And the capacity to do that is a really important container. And that's the thing, one of the things that I think men need to learn how to lead. Men need to learn how to ferret out these withholds and these resentments and these judgments, because I don't know a woman on the planet that does not have them. Men too, but the feminine's really keen that way. It's true. Yeah, totally true. They might—

and she might not even know, like, really, like, there's so many of them. But if he lets her kind of just go—

I think this is good advice. I love all these—

I mean, it's true, all those communication tools as well. Like you say, it's Imago, and I've learned it in other therapy. But just, yeah, like honoring people's feelings and let them have their feelings and learning how to communicate. That's another It's a skill we are not taught. We are not taught how to do this.

It's not easy. Well, and she wants to know that she can bring it all. A woman wants to know she can bring all of her to a man and he's not going to collapse. He's not going to, you know, attack her. He's not going to become a little boy. He's going to hold it. And in the end, he could say, "All right, baby, thank you." I mean, you know that contempt is the number one killer of relationships. Yes, got me. Research. Yeah, the antidote to contempt is empathy. Empathy. So if I'm practicing this muscle— we talked about building muscle— if I train my nervous system to hear what's going on with you without being overly reactive, and I actually train my nervous system to feel you more than I'm feeling myself, I'm, I'm building the skills to be able to have that. You remember talking about emotional sex? That's emotional sex, right? It is. That's the emotional sex.

Yeah, I think that's what a lot of women— you get the emotional sex down the other sex will happen. I've seen it turn around.

I've seen this practice alone turn around tons of relationships where they weren't having sex at all. And then, you know, I'll get emails like, my gosh, we haven't done anything else. We haven't done anything else.

Just that practice. That's amazing. I love it. And people can find— so, John, you're amazing. This was such a wonderful show. You have to come back on again. And I think that this can be— this can be really inspiring for a lot of our listeners. So they can find you at John Weiland, uh, J-O-H-N wineland.com and check out your workshops. That's all on your site as well. What's upcoming?

Yeah, I have videos, a YouTube channel.

I know there's so much great stuff out there. So, um, anything else?

No, no, this is fun. I could nerd out on this stuff all day.

It's amazing. Okay, well, thank you for being here. I appreciate it. And thank you to all my listeners. This was an awesome show, and I love hearing from you all. Thank you for emailing and being in touch and checking me out on social media. And thank you to my amazing team, Ken, Jamie, our interns, Shannon and Miley, producer Lark and Michael. Thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.