Stress Less, Have More Sex with Emily Fletcher

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So here's the trick to getting people to meditate who think they can't. You just have to sell it as a performance tool. You just have to say, hey, here's this thing that's gonna help you make more money and be better in bed. And then people are like, oh, where do I sign up? Every time you've ever been stressed, every time you've ever launched into a fight or flight stress reaction, it's left a little open window on your brain computer. They're called premature cognitive commitments. And by the time the average adult is about 20 years old, we have about 10 million of those. PCCs are premature cognitive commitments. So it's like running a computer, trying to type an email, but having 10 million open irrelevant windows so you can't even type the email. So what meditation does is it goes in and it gives your body rest that's very healing. We actually give the body rest that's about five times deeper than sleep. The way that we know that is that your metabolic rate decreases, your heart rate slows, your body temperature cools, you're going in and de exciting your nervous system. When you de excite something, you create order. When you start to create order in your body and your cells, that lifetime of accumulated stress can start to come up. And.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily Morse. And on today's show, I'm joined by leading expert in meditation and founder of Ziva Meditation, Emily Fletcher to talk about her book, Stress Less, Accomplish More. And I'm taking your emails. Topics include. Stress is the biggest killer of our sex drive. But meditation can be the biggest killer of that stress. And you don't have to be perfect at meditating for it to truly help you out in the bedroom. Trust me. Makeup and angry sex. Why is it just so incredibly hot? And how to get your partner on board the masturbation train. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cuz my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry?

It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. you're gonna love our website. If you haven't been there yet. If got a question, just search it on the site. You'll find the answer. You can also find me weekly Monday through Friday on Sirius XM radio. It's 5 to 7pm Pacific Monday through Friday on SiriusXM stars. It's channel 109 and you can get a free 30 day trial at sex with emily.comsxm or just call us with your questions, even if you don't have it. 889-478277. As far as social media, it is just Sex with Emily across the board isn't that easy. So get in touch with us, follow us. See what really goes down here at Sex with Emily. All right, guys, I hope you enjoy the show. I want to introduce my guest, Emily Fletcher. And Emily Fletcher, she has a book that came out. When did it come out? Recently? February. I haven't seen it. February. Stress Less, Accomplish More. Meditation for Extraordinary Performance debuted at number seven on all books of Amazon. Emily. She founded Ziva Meditation. She's a leading expert in Meditation for Extraordinary Performance. Her work has been featured all over the place from the New York Times The Today show and Vogue. I'm just really excited, Emily, because, okay, I'm a meditator. I've been meditating, trying to do it for a long. I mean, I do it now daily. And I think that. And I often talk about it on the show. I believe that at this point in 2019, everybody's heard they should meditate. There's probably someone in their life, their friend, who's like, oh, my God, you should try this meditation. Or their doctor was like, you know, you're high stress or chronic pain or can't sleep, try meditation. And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, when am I gonna do that? How do. How am I gonna do that? And so I think it'. It's really hard to get people to even do it. They're like, my brain could never shut down. And I feel like I'm knee deep in Emily Fletcher right now. Research. And Ziva. And I feel like you have the secret sauce. You have been successful actually getting people who think they're too busy, they don't have enough time, they'll never be able to do it. To actually meditate, you have a good track record. So tell me about Ziva. Meditation.

So here's the trick to getting people to meditate who think they can't. You just have to sell it as a performance tool. You just have to say, hey, here's this thing that's going to help you make more money and be better in bed. And then people are like, oh, where do I sign up? So we have to just let go of, like, the robes and the incense and the finger symbols and the preciousness. And, yes, there's so much science around it, which I'm sure we'll dive into. But it's like, why are people really doing anything? It's usually to make more money or have better sex.

And so you're absolutely right. Yeah. Because you've worked with top performers and athletes and CEOs and top business leaders. And so you're saying that you reframe it as, like, this is going to help you like a hack, Like a. You know, you're going to be a better performer. Just like you go to a business conference or you'd read, you know, books, or you'd buy a. Get a business coach. This actually is going to do that.

Because here's the thing. Stress is making us stupid, sick, and slow. It is slowing us down in the boardroom. It is slowing us down in the bedroom. And so it's like, if there's a tool that could help you get rid of stress. Why would you not use it? Stress is not like cancer, okay? We have a solution for this epidemic. According to Harvard Medical School, stress is responsible for 90% of all doctors visits. I believe that doctors are calling it the black plague of our century. And it's making us feel more isolated, it's ruining our confidence, and it can actually chemically affect us. I mean, if women have too much cortisol, they become incapable of orgasm. If men have too much adrenaline, it affects their erection. And so it's like, this isn't just like, oh, if you meditate, you'll see each other's chakras. It's like, no, if you're too stressed, you can't orgasm.

Right, Exactly. Say that you can't orgasm and you'll make less money. No, your work will suffer. Because it is true. I always say that stress and anxiety is the biggest killer of our sex drive. And that's the truth. But also, I feel like there is an epidemic of anxiety or people sharing that they have anxiety. But it seems like the whole goddamn world is anxious, including myself. And I meditate. And I think it definitely has helped. Imagine me without it. But I do think that this really is. I mean, meditation, I think exercise, sleep, but meditation can also help with that. Help with sleep. And it can help with so many of the things that ail us. So give me an example about your meditation. Like, well, let me say this. One of your mantras is meditate, masturbate, and manifest.

That's one of mine.

I'm sorry, that's not one of mine. I can't read mine. Sorry. Back up. Mine is meditate, masturbate, and manifest. And yours is meditate, mindfulness and manifestation.

Yeah, we both got three M's.

That's all I'm saying. I was like, and I have that, and you have that, which I think is amazing. So how does yours work? Tell me.

Okay, so that Ziva is all about meditation for better performance. And we use these three tools, the three M's, just like you. So mindfulness to help you with your stress in the now, which is like, oh, I just had this crazy day at work. Let me do 10 minutes of my free app. I feel better in the now. Like taking an aspirin if you have a headache. Now, meditation, and specifically what I teach at Ziva is all about getting rid of your stress from the past. So all that stuff that we've been storing in our cellular memory, all that trauma, we've been holding on since our childhood, that's the thing that's ultimately slowing us down. And that's really where the biggest cognitive and physical performance increase comes. It's from getting rid of that stuff that's been stored in the cellular. And now we even know in our epigenetic memory. And then the manifesting piece, which is the third M is basically consciously creating a life you love. It's taking the time to get intentional about what you want your life to look like. Hey, what would my dream partner look like? Hey, how much money would I love to make this year? Hey, what would my dream relationship with my body feel like? And a lot of people think they're manifesting. They even think they're praying, but they're secretly complaining. And they're like, God, why can't I lose this weight? Why does she have a boyfriend and I don't? Why did he get a raise and I didn't? And if you ask shitty questions, you're gonna get shitty answers.

Exactly. And whatever you're putting out there, if it's the negative or I don't want this, I don't want that. That's what you're. That's actually what you're gonna get. And I think a lot of people know, like, from the secret and all that stuff, they're like, oh, I just have to think happy thoughts. But this is more than that. What I love about this is that it is really a full. Like, it's the full spectrum. So let's first talk about getting. I wanna go back to getting rid of the stress that is stored in our body. Like, no matter that stress in the past, like on a ce, everything that has happened to us is still in our body.

Yes.

So how does doing your type of meditation actually, and any meditation help with that?

So every time you've ever been stressed, every time you've ever launched into a fight or flight stress reaction, it's left a little open window on your brain computer. They're called premature cognitive commitments. And by the time the average adult is about 20 years old, we have about 10 million of those. PCCs are premature cognitive commitments. So it's like running a computer, trying to type an email, but having 10 million open irrelevant windows so you can't even type the email. So what meditation does is it goes in and it gives your body rest. It's very healing. We actually give the body rest that's about five times deeper than sleep. The way that we know that is that your metabolic rate decreases, your heart rate slows, your body temperature cools, you're going in and de. Exciting your nervous system. When you de. Excite something, you create order. When you start to create order in your body and your cells, that lifetime of accumulated stress can start to come up and out. I don't think that nature intended us to be sick, tired, and stressed all the time. I think that stress is trying to leave. But if we're so excited, if we're so stressed all the time, the body doesn't have a chance to heal or run those maintenance functions. Just like sleeping, you know, there's a lot of things that get messed up if you don't sleep, but you just have a good night's rest and you feel better. Well, same thing with meditation. You just give your body this deep healing rest when you meditate, and it starts to cure a whole host of ailments. Right.

So what you're saying is, though, is that I was gonna say, well, it doesn't happen right away, but your story is amazing that you actually, after the first time you came from, you were stressed out. You were in a place where you reached all of your dreams in your 20s, being on Broadway, like, at 22, which is amazing. Thanks. People. Wait a lifetime. And you. The first time you tried it, you were like, this is it.

Yes, because I actually took a class. The tricky thing about meditation is that because it's simple, people think they should already know how to do it. So they sit down and they're like, okay, brain, stop thinking. Because there's, like, this one dude telling everyone that in order to meditate, we have to clear our minds. So they're like, all right, brain, shut it down. And then they're like, sure, I'm feeling a little randy. Oh, no. Now I'm thinking about sex while I'm meditating. Oh, no. I suck at meditation. I quit. And that's the beginning and the end of most people's meditation careers. But the really good news for anybody who's tried meditation and felt like a failure is that the mind thinks involuntarily, just like the heart beats involuntarily. So trying to give your brain a command to shut up is as impactful as trying to give your heart a command to stop beating. So where this gets tricky for folks is that because it's simple, they assume they should already know how to do it, and they don't take the time to actually get trained. So I took a course. I was. My insomnia was so bad, I was going gray in my 20s. I was getting sick and injured even though I was living my dream. So I was like, let me try this thing. And on the first day of the first course, I cured my insomnia.

What course did you take?

So it was a four day course in New York City with a guy named Michael Miller who's based in London. And it was this meditation course. So different from mindfulness because a lot of people think that mindfulness and meditation are the same thing. And a lot of the apps and YouTube videos are actually teaching what I would call mindfulness. So anytime you're directing your focus or someone's guiding you through, I put that in the category of mindfulness, where this was more of a meditation class. So teaching you how to do it on your own, teaching you this technique that gives your body this deep healing rest. And so on the other side, you feel like you've taken the supercharged power nap.

So my first foray into this was like 20 some odd years ago. I was in Thailand and I did my first vipassana retreat. So I just thought I knew myself and I thought it's a ten day silent meditation treatment retreat where you meditate for like 10 hours a day and you don't speak or read or write or talk to anybody or look at anybody. Because I know myself well enough that people have been telling me for years I should meditate. And I find like, well, I just gotta throw myself in. And I did learn, but my challenge around that was like I just learned to meditate, but there. But I feel like with your. Which was great, but it also was very strict. I felt like it is for me to actually continue. I felt all this pressure. It has to be, well, you have an hour in the morning, an hour at night. I'm like, I do not have two hours a day. And so then I kept constantly feeling, which you talk about this a lot, like we don't meditate to become great meditators. We meditate, become better at life. Which you've said, to quote you. And so I feel like that's where people get tripped up, they're not doing it right. And so I feel like through this process of you do teach some practice, but then you also teach about mindfulness. That's the other part of it. Can we talk about the difference? So meditation is a technique that you also teach?

Yes, and then I also did a vipassana retreat. So this is like 10 days. It's very, very monastic. It's very much like a monk program. And the thing is that most of even the mindfulness techniques today are based on or derivative of monastic practices. So you being in a, you know, in a place for 10 days, not talking to anyone, you know, not even making eye contact, no reading, no writing, very monk like. Whereas what I teach, the meditation that I teach, Even though it's 6,000 years old, it was created for people with busy minds and busy lives. It's actually designed to be integrated into your day, so it's A, much easier to do, B, it takes less time, and C, you have more energy and you become better at life. So I do think that the style matters.

So is this your order, though, that it's mindfulness, meditation and manifestation?

Yes. So we use the mindfulness as, like, the appetizer where. And that's where we simply use a technique called come to your senses. So it's real simple. You're just hearing what you're hearing, feeling what you're feeling, tasting, seeing, smelling. And this is actually something great that people can do even before they're going to have a romantic encounter, just to get themselves in their body, heightening their senses. And then you. It's a way to direct your focus, bring yourself into the now, and you're almost like warming yourself up for this deep, healing, restful surrender that is meditation. So Ziva's kind of like, it's more like taking a nap sitting up than it is any fancy fingers or erect spine or concentrating or focusing. And that's really where the magic happens, that healing magic from healing the stress from your past. Then at the end, once the right and left hemispheres of the brain are functioning in unison, that's where we start to manifest. That's where we start to plant the seeds for our dreams for the future.

All right, so now this is all in one practice. I know that you have. You teach courses online that people can go to. Ziva, Meditation. And this is also you guys in the show Notes. If you're listening, go to sexwithemily.com and if you click on Show Notes, everything we talk about on every single show, you can find right there. So I'm sure everyone wants to sign up for it right now and check it out. So it starts with, like, is it every day the same? Like, you start with the mindfulness portion. So that would be the senses. So often. I think that's great, because what I often tell people, what we talk about on the show is because, okay, listen, people, one of the top questions I get asked is, I am so distracted in the bedroom, I can't focus on sex. I'm worried about the bills. I'm worried about how my body Looks, I'm worried that I can't orgasm. And, you know. And I often say, well, you know, the best thing to do is, like, focus on your senses and think about, what are you smelling, what are you tasting? Smell the candle. You're feeling your partner's body. Because when we do, what you're saying is when we focus on the senses, all five, you've no other choice. You can't be in the past or the future. You're present in the moment with your partner. But I'm wondering how you could elaborate on that with your practice. It sounds like that's kind of something that you would do in your practice. But I'm sure there's more to just. Because it's also, like, if people are just doing it in the bedroom for the first time, that's not gonna work. I always tell people, can you just start meditating? So tell me more about this.

So a couple things. One, I actually made a whole guided visualization for better sex, which I'll share with you if you want to put.

It in the description. How do I not know this?

Yes. Because it's one of the bonuses.

We just got together. It was quick to get you on. I'm excited. It was like you were here, like.

So I'm gonna give it to you. We can put it in the show notes, and then it's just a gift. People can just enjoy it. And I would say do it before you're gonna have an encounter, so you understand it. But the same tool that you would use to prepare yourself for meditation, you can also use to prepare yourself for sex, because they're not actually that dissimilar when you're meditating. You're moving beyond yourself. You're unioning with something bigger than you. And something similar is happening when you're unioning with someone else. You're creating this third thing. You're not so individual.

So you're saying together, they do this practice before sex.

Well, you could. You absolutely could.

And we even kind of hot.

There's even something in the book. So there's a chapter in the book called From OM to omg. And there's an exercise that I give at the end of the book where I. It's a little bit cheesy, and you feel a little uncomfortable to begin with, but you're just, like, looking in each other's eyes and almost manifesting each other's dreams for each other. And I find it very intimate, very raw, very vulnerable. But if you can create that kind of intimacy on the intellectual and spiritual plane, it's much easier to get there physically.

Yeah, I love this. I mean, this is something that couples need, because I. I feel like if you could just get yourself in the mindset of sex, you'd be so much better off. But when you're just going from your day and the kids and the laundry and the dog, and then you're like, boom. Sex. That's why we're all having a challenging time around sex.

Yes. Because our stress hangs out in the past and the future, our bliss, our orgasms hang out in the right.

In the present moment.

And the five senses are really just a trick to get yourself into your body, into the right brain, and therefore into the right now.

Okay, I'm talking to Emily Fletcher from Ziva Meditation, if you guys have any questions at all. And her book is Stress Less Accomplish Meditation for Extraordinary Performance. I love how you've packaged meditation, because I think it seems like it's a way that a lot of people get their head around. And I've been kind of waiting for this book.

I am.

Because I always am telling people, where do you go? You could download the apps, but I don't think that's effective. For me, it wasn't, and I think for many people. So it seems like it's. It's actually doable. It's like if you ever bought, like, an exercise book or a cookbook or anything to change your performance at work, you know, this could actually do it, I believe. So let's talk about the manifest part, because that's something that I think is so. It's so. I know that it works, but it can be so challenging to figure out what we want and then to picture it like we might know. I want to make a lot of money or I want to get this job, but what does it look like, feel like, smell like, taste like that part is even for me, knowing what to do, it can be challenging because I know that's how things happen.

So I've been so surprised at how much resistance I've seen around the manifesting. And I started asking questions, why? Like, why is it so hard for you to imagine your dream? And what I've realized is that people have been so stressed for so long. They're so used to being in fight or flight. They're so used to being in survival mode that they haven't had any energy left over for their dreams. And so what meditation does is that it gets us out of fight or flight and into what I call stay and play. So all that energy, you've been wasting on anxiety and worry and depression and exhaustion. You start to have more energy left over to create. And then you can start to ask yourself, well, what would my dream relationship look like? What does my dream sex life look like? This energy's either creating or it's destroying. And so if you get rid of that destructive anxiety, you know, what's that quote? Worry is a waste of perfectly good imagination.

Yeah.

So when you stop worrying so much, you have imaginative power left over, and you can start to fuel your dreams with it. And so, really, the only trick to manifesting is you have to imagine the dream as if it's happening now. Imagine you waking up next to your partner. Imagine where you're having the crazy erotic adventure, like imagining as if it is now. Whereas what a lot of us are doing is that we worship the space between where we are and where we think we should be. Which is the definition of stress.

That is the definition. Why aren't I there yet? We're opening up Instagram. We're comparing ourselves. We're not that. And the second we get to where we want to be, we raise the bar.

Yes, it's that I'll be happy when syndrome.

I'll be happy when syndrome. Yeah, let's talk about that. I think we can all relate to that.

Yeah. So I was in it so deep because I was an actress on Broadway, and I thought, well, once I get on Broadway, I'll certainly be happy. It'll be martinis with Liza at Sardis. And instead it was me rocking myself in fetal position, listening to Eckhart Tolle on repeat having panic attacks underneath my dressing room.

Eckhart Tolle on repeat.

Done.

Yeah, Yeah, I get it. And then you were like, yeah.

And so I just thought, well, it must be the next Broadway show, the next Broadway show, the next boyfriend, the next agent, the next zero in my bank account. And I did that for 10 years until I started having anxiety attacks and panic attacks, and I found meditation. So the only antidote I have ever found to the I'll be happy syndrome is meditation. Because within 30 to 45 seconds of starting, you start flooding your brain and body with dopamine and serotonin, which are bliss chemicals. So it feels nice in the moment, but what's happening sort of spiritually, is that you're accessing your fulfillment in the only place that they reside, which is inside of you. And the way that can impact your relationships is that you start to see your relationships as an outlet for fulfillment. What can I bring to this? What Can I give? Instead of how can you fill me up? How can you complete me? Which is impossible. We put these impossible paradigms on our partner, then they inevitably fail us. And then we're mad at them for not completing us. And then we think, well, it must be the next partner, right?

I should just leave this relationship and go to the next one because the next person will be able to do it. And then those same chemicals come in with a new relationship and we think they're the one, they're the answer. And then six months, two years, the honeymoon phase dies and the chemicals go down. And then you're like, I'm searching for the next high. The next high.

Yes.

Yeah, absolutely. So in this. So have you found in this practice, though, that, like, how long does it take, would you say, on average? Like, I know for you it was like quick the first time you meditated. And I'm like, I'm daily doing it and it's, you know, I definitely feel like it's changed.

What are you doing? Are you doing vipassana when you do it?

I just do breath. So I haven't done your meditation. I'm fascinated by it because I would love it is yours. And it's 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes at night.

That's for the online training. So we created this online course. It's about 15 minutes a day for 15 days. And it moves you through the mindfulness, the meditation, the manifesting. And then once you graduate, you have the keys to the car and the driving instructions. You don't need me. You don't need an app. You don't need a dude playing drums on your chest in order to meditate. You just close your eyes and dive in. And then, yes, it's 15 minutes in the morning, 15 minutes in the afternoon, which sounds like a lot if you're stressed and overwhelmed.

I do 20. Now I'm down. Cause if I could get those 10 minutes back, like, if I could just do it 15, 15. I'm fine.

And if you get rid of the stress in your body, you start becoming so much more productive. But if you do the math on it, 15 minutes twice a day is 2% of your day. So the question is, are you willing to invest 2% of your day to make the other 98% more amazing? Right?

Exact. Exactly. We all you guys, come on. 15 minutes that you were just spending scrolling Instagram.

Right?

Exactly. I mean, that's what we're doing. So we talked a little bit about stress and sex. So we say stress makes you Stupid. And that's actually because of the chemicals in our brain if we're fight or flight.

Exactly. So when the body launches into fight or flight, it's basically preparing for a predatory attack. So it shuts down digestion. Your skin gets acidic, which ages prematurely. That increase to cortisol can lead to belly fat, which can make us feel not so great in our bodies. Our immune system goes to the back burner, so we're sick more often. Your bladder and bowels evacuate, which is not so sexy, right?

Exactly. It's all stress.

Yeah. And the thing is the body is not interested in procreation when it's concerned about its own survival.

Well, I think that's also why a lot of people having problems with, you know, fertility. Fertility for sure. Because, well, everything, everything is stress and anxiety. And I think more so now because I hate to sound like a broken house. Our phones and all the distractions, I mean they've always been here and I had, you know, I think a lot of people could attest to the fact they had anxiety before Ph. But I love this idea of people, of the three parts of it, that it's not just the meditation and then it's being mindful of your day to day life. But I'm wondering, like in your online course and you also teach courses, you're based in New York, correct?

I am.

Like I just. Because in listening to you and talking to you, I'm like, this is a quick fix. I'm such a. Like I've taken every class, every course and I think, oh, this is something I want to do. You know, I want to continue to. This seems like it's going to be my answer. But I have to believe that if you've never meditated before that there's going to be people who are reaching out, they've had stuff come up for them or they actually couldn't do it or do you feel like. Do you have an online support?

Yes, we have so much online support. So I've taught over 20,000 people at this point. And so I've seen a lot of patterns and a lot of stuff come up for people. And one of the things that I'm really big on, there's a whole chapter on it in the book where I basically warn people that, hey, when you start a real meditation practice, there is going to be old sadness, old trauma, old anxiety that is going to come up and out. And that is my job to help people through that. And I have a whole team of teachers, I have a whole team of trained Meditators that are helping me to support these people. Even people who read the book have access to an online group. So if stuff comes up for them, they can get help. We have a whole list of meditation friendly therapists, because I'm not a therapist, I'm not a doctor. I've just helped a lot of people through this thing and I've helped myself through it. But the thing is, if you have trauma in your body, it has to go somewhere, right?

And I think we all. I think when we say trauma, like, oh, no, I've never been abused. But trauma can be. There's a big T and a little T. And trauma can just be things that you don't even remember getting someone yelled at you in second grade or.

Bullied you, barking your face when you were 10.

Exactly.

The parents divorce, the job you got fired from, all that stuff has left those imprints.

It's there. It is still there. It has shaped who you are today. And so through my. I've been doing EMDR therapy too, the last seven months, which has been another way to kind of, you know, alleviate some of that. But I love the idea of this, of just being able to do this through the. Through this, through practice, 15 minutes a day, and the manifesting and letting go.

And it's not a quick fix. The training is not that, that long because it's. It's a simple practice. But what we don't want to do is confuse simplicity for weakness. The power in this practice comes from the simplicity. So to get the key to the car and the driving instructions is not complicated, but it's not a quick fix. You have to do it. You have to actually meditate every day, twice a day for the rest of your life, really. So it's not a quick fix.

And is this how, how has this affected your. Okay, I know your life is probably. You've been doing this for 10 years now. You said 11 years. And you are very Zen. And you seem very. I love your voice. I love you talk. I'm like, oh, yes, I will follow you and meditate. I'm so in. But how has it affected your relationship, your sex life, for example? Let's talk about that. How has it changed your sex life?

So I used to be in what I call, like, borderline abusive relationships. And I didn't have an eating disorder, but I didn't not have an eating disorder. I was like, you know, I used.

To be a model.

I was an actress. And so my relationship with food, my relationship with people, it was just, just not Great. Like it wasn't terrible, it wasn't full blown abusive, but it was fighting and just so much angst. And now I'm happily married. I have a one year old son and I am. And to be honest, like we're redefining our marriage. Like we're redefining our relationship now as parents, which you probably have some episodes on which I'm all ears. I'm all about learning, but I think that I feel more confident in my body. I feel more confident in who I am. I think that I see sex more now as almost a spiritual practice. And this way to union with the divine and this way to union with my partner. And I think that is just part of my whole life.

Right. So have you found other people, any of your students, that they've talked about that too, that they're just. I'm sure you have incredible stories about like success stories, people who. Because I'm thinking, like a lot of it is epigenetics too. I mean it's, it's from our history. I was like, I was like, I'm Jewish, I'm stressed. Like I can't help it. But that's. But we can work on that.

But you can heal it.

You can heal it.

Like everything you've inherited from the last seven generations. You have an opportunity to change what you pass down to the next seven generations. But there are some crazy stories. Actually. I wrote an article once called how meditation could help you have mind blowing sex. And I wrote it because this guy came to my studio and was like, emily, you mentioned better sex at your intro talk. But what's happening to me is crazy. This is like animalistic. This is raw. And the only thing that's changed my life is meditation. And the story kept happening again and again. Women who have never orgasmed before had their first orgasm the week after they took the course. Women who were never able to orgasm exclusively vaginally were suddenly able to. Nothing changed except for the meditation. Like there's like a lot of case studies about this.

No, I believe that because they're also breathing. I'm sure you have breath work involved in your meditation.

There is some, yeah, but it's really more about that eradication of the backlog of stresses from their past. It's like they suddenly can become present, whereas before they were so caught up in their own trauma. I mean it's something like three and four women have some sort of sexual abuse.

Yes, exactly. And.

And so it's.

If you could heal that as well.

Heal that. Yeah. Cause that's trauma. Right. So you start to heal that. You start to become more. You're not bringing your whole lifelong baggage into the bedroom. It's like you're just here now.

But here's my question. Through the meditation though, because I haven't done your meditation yet. But like, are you specifically working? Are we journaling? Are we. It just through breath and through, through mantra that you have like, it's just goes. Because you're more anchored.

How do you feel if you haven't slept for like two or three nights? You have terrible sleep. How? Just everything is hard. You're frazzled, you're scattered. Your immune system feels like it's on the edge. You can't come up with good ideas. You can't even form complete sentences. You know, you're just worse when you're tired. Well, now imagine having a nine hour night's sleep and imagine how many different things would get better. Same thing in meditation. It's basically the equivalent of taking a supercharged power nap. You're giving your body rest. It's five times deeper than sleep, but without the sleep hangover. So you just become better on the other side.

Yeah, I believe that. And you're doing it every day? Twice a day?

Yep.

You don't even miss it sometimes. Well, can you miss it now that you're like 10 years in?

Look, I would love to and I have tried and I can miss one meditation and be okay, but if I miss two meditations in a day, my insomnia will come back.

Yeah, no, because it cured your insomnia. I mean, I feel like to me, and I know this, whatever kind of meditation you do, it is going to make your life better, not worse. Nobody's ever said, oh, God, I meditated. You don't regret that meditation. You don't regret that meditation. And you don't regret having sex either. People always like, oh, we never have sex, but once we do, it's amazing. Okay, well, Emily, thank you so much for being here. I have to first ask you the five questions that we ask ourselves.

Guests.

Okay, ready? It's your biggest turn on.

Oh, intelligence.

Okay. Biggest turn off.

Narcissism.

What makes good sex?

Vulnerability.

Something you would tell your younger self about sex or relationships.

You gotta say what you want and want what you say.

I heard the Broadway number one sex tip.

Meditate. Is that a cop out? Yeah.

No, dude, I agree. I tell people. Listen, I'm glad you're here as my deputy because I've been telling people to meditate, to breathe, to be focused and so I think everybody has to check out your book.

Look, just to prove your point is like, do you like having sex with someone who's stressed and distracted? No, of course not.

No one does. You feel disconnected. You feel like you're not, like you're not having orgasms. You're disconnected and you're dreading sex because no one's taking any time for themselves. We're running from one thing to the next. And so I love your whole philosophy. Everyone can check it out. Get your book Stress Less, Accomplish More or Meditation for extraordinary performance. Stresslessthebook.com and then Ziva Z I V A meditation.

That's it.

Emily Fletcher. It's all in our show notes, sex with emily.com, emily Fletcher. Thank you so much for being here.

You're a delight. Thanks for the work you're doing.

Right back at you. It's amazing. Thank you so much. All right, we're going to take a quick break and when we come back, we're going to get into your email questions.

All right, guys, I love answering your questions. It's actually wild exist on the planet. So if you want a question answered on the show, go to my website, sexwithemily.com, click the Ask Emily tab, fill up the short form or email us feedbackexwithemily.com but please, please, please just include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Thanks, guys. All right, Michelle, you want to read?

Yes.

All right, we'll start with the first email that's all about makeup sex or angry sex. It comes from Lorraine, who's 69 in California. She, she writes, Dear Dr. Emily, I have never heard you talk about this subject, having angry sex. Sometimes I think my partner and I do have sex. When one of us is angry or upset in that situation, one will just appease the other. We don't physically hurt each other. Somehow it seems it's the only way to clear the air.

Alright, Lorraine, thanks for your question. This is actually a really good one. Here's the thing about angry sex. I think it could be really healthy when you get in a fight with your partner and then it's like you make up because you were angry and then the sex feel feels that much better. So the thing is, you know that it's not a problem if you truly communicated about what the problem was and you feel like you, you guys made up and then you go to have sex now it can be toxic as well. If you're in a relationship where you're not able to communicate ever. Only when you, like, you actually fight just to have the sex. Because that's the only time that you feel that you could be intimate. Like you're looking for a fight, you know, because you're craving intimacy and closeness that you know the sex is going to. Then there's possibly a pattern developing that is a detriment to the relationship. And if the fighting escalates in the relationship, it could become a toxic cycle. Also, if you're using it makeup sex as a way, or, you know, angry sex is a way to avoid talking about issues, then it's a problem. But otherwise, if you guys are just, you know, angry and like, I mean, listen, you guys, pleasure, pain, anger and joy, they're all very closely related. So I understand why, you know, having angry sex can be healthy sometimes. So just make sure that you moderate and you're not doing it to avoid feeling your emotions.

True. Yeah.

I feel like sometimes I'll come home. Well, not now, but when I used to serve, I'd come home really angry at a customer or something, and the. The guy I was dating at the time would just be like, let's just have some fucking sex. Like, I just want to fuck. Like that kind of thing. I'm so angry.

And then I'm like, oh, I'm relieved.

But like. But never taking it out on him.

Right.

Because that. That is a different underlying message.

Exactly. That's a different using sex for your own benefit just to get rid of.

Taking her out on him.

Don't take it out on him. No, no, no, no. That's a great question. Or, Lane, you're right. We haven't talked about that much lately. All right, next question.

Next question. This comes from an Evan who's 28 in Michigan. He writes, hey, Dr. Emily. My wife and I started dating in high school and have been married for almost five years now and have one beautiful child together. I've always been the more adventurous half of our relationship sexually, and recently that has also translated into sexual appetite as well. I can't help but feel like her lack of sexual creativity and desire is somehow tied back to the fact that because she has never masturbated, she doesn't quite know exactly what turns her on, what fantasies are most exciting, what kinks she's into, etc. I honestly don't know exactly what her hang up with masturbation is. How would you suggest I broach this subject with her and try to get her to really prioritize a healthy masturbation masturbation regimen? She has been missing out on. Thank you in advance.

All right, Evan. So this is really common. I have to say. There's a lot of women that just didn't grow up masturbating. It never occurred to them to masturbate. I was one of those people. I just never. No one ever. I didn't see it advertised anywhere. No one talked about it, and therefore I didn't masturbate. And it wasn't until I started masturbating that I actually was able to have orgasms and learn what felt good to me. So she absolutely does need to get on board with it, but you have to tread lightly here. Now, I don't know how she was brought up, but sometimes we're brought up in environments where, you know, masturbation is looked down upon. Maybe her friends didn't talk about it, just like mine, and it might not even crossed her mind. So you can't get her to do anything, but you can't open up the dialogue. And, you know, a lot of couples love listening to this show together. They listen to the podcast, and it kind of helps them have these conversations. Or maybe you could find one of these and have her listen to it, because she needs to understand that masturbation is healthy and also how to go about doing it. Because not only do we have to get some women to be like, oh, yeah, I get it. It's not as bad as I thought it was, or it's not against my religion, but they don't where to start. So we actually have a ton of, like, beginner masturbation blogs on our site. We've got podcasts about it. So I think where you start is just telling her that you've been doing your research. Maybe you can even tell her about the show and just say, I think that I would love you to experience pleasure. I'd love you to understand your body and to orgasm. I'm happy to, like, you know, maybe we could listen to this episode together or buy you a toy, and then you bring it up and say, what do you think about that? And then you might have the conversation again. You have to understand, this goes for everybody. When you're trying to get your partner to do something or change their sexual behaviors or ask them for what you want, many times they're not going to sign up the first time you say it and say, you're right, I'm going to get right to masturbation. I'll see you after dinner. No, that doesn't happen. So it's going to be just like Let her know. Maybe you just start dropping hints about the benefits of it or. Yeah, I was listening to this show, and I heard that, like, women actually can have crazy orgasms once they figure out their body. So maybe just kind of ease her into it.

I think it's. For women, it's all about the approach. And especially for some. Someone who hasn't masturbated and doesn't know, it's really intimidating. And it's actually. The times are changing where women are. We're getting more into our bodies and we're feeling for ourselves. So I was actually masturbating last night, and I was looking like I was feeling my body as the woman that I am and actually feeling my breasts and then going down to my vagina without any lube first to feel the spots of. And I was like, oh, my gosh, it really does feel like a flower.

It's my flower.

And then it made me respect it and. And ease into it. And then it got to.

Then you got.

Okay, now. I don't know.

That's true. Like, just have her do a mindful masturbation where she's just kind of.

Yeah.

Thinking about her body. And maybe you guys could do some mutual masturbation together where you are both kind of figuring out your bodies. And so I think that could be really hot, too. But you're right, Michelle. You guys, I think we all could learn to do this, to just kind of. Of really learn to honor and appreciate how amazing our bodies are. Play with your nipples. Play with, you know, like. And again, play your favorite music, use some great lube or some body lotion, and just touch without the goal of orgasm. That's the other thing you got to tell her is, like, it might not happen right away, but she can certainly learn what feels good. Like, oh, that tingly sensation felt great, but you're not gonna. It's not gonna happen the first time you try it. So just not all about the orgasm. This is about exploring. So thanks, Evan. You sound like a very caring boyfriend.

Yes.

All right, so the next email we got comes from a Hannah who's 19 in Australia. Hi, Dr. Emily. This is a very broad question, but I'm 19 and have not had a boyfriend or kissed someone or even been on a date. I'm scared to go on dates with people online and would rather meet someone in real life, but I don't have any tips and I lack the experience in dating. Also, I know that I don't want to have sex until I'm married, but I don't know how to go about telling people and how to find the right person, especially when most guys want to hook up. And I want a long term relationship. Thank you.

All right, Hannah, well, I think this is a good time to start asking these questions because you're 19 years old, this is a whole new world to you. So it sounds like you have a lot of trepidation around it, which makes sense. And it's kind of like you're scaring yourself thinking like, you know, I don't want to go on dates, but then once I do go on the date, how am I going to tell them that I don't want a long term, that I don't want to just hook up? So I think you've created this ball of anxiety in you, so it just makes it really, really, you know, hard for you to get started. But just know that that's cool because if you've never done something, why should you know how to do it? How would you become an expert at it? So, and also, dating online isn't for everybody, so I get that. But also, you know, it can help you narrow your choices because you can let you know, you can put on the apps that you are looking for a long term relationship. People who are not, need not apply. If you've decided that you want to wait until marriage to have sex, I, I don't think it's something that you're gonna bring up on the first date. No, I'm not even saying you're keeping this a secret, but people aren't usually talking about these things on the date. If you think things start heading down more of a serious path and maybe you start to feel like things are kind of heating up, then you should bring it up. Then understand that not everyone's gonna be cool with that. A lot of people are having sex. I say the majority of people are having sex before they get married. But just know then those aren't your people. There are people out there that will be okay with it. So really just a matter of practicing dating. Maybe just going to lunches with some people that you find interesting and just starting to tell your friends that you're single. Like, here's the thing, when you are single, treat it like you're looking for a job. You let your friends know you're single, your neighbors, you know, people at work, you got anyone good to fix me up with? And then you make sure that you're going out and you're doing different things outside of your normal routine because it's so easy to Hang out with the same people, take the same route home from work every day. You know, you go to your classes, you do the same things, but that's, you're just going to keep seeing the same people. So my best advice for meeting people that are more like minded is do things that you love to do, Hannah, like go to, you know, take a class or volunteer or at the gym or the hiking or meetup groups. There's a lot of different ways. Just get creative with it. But definitely find things that you like and then people will be there because they like doing those things as well.

Yeah. If you're, if your focus is on finding the long term relationship and that you've never kissed anybody and that you're saving yourself from marriage, you're just creating this whirlwind of a world.

Roadblocks.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. You're not going to find anything because you're like looking for that. But if you allow yourself to open up to all these opportunities and the things that you actually like, that's where your right person is going to be at.

Exactly. Take the pressure off yourself, Hannah, and spend this time just learning how to be, you know, an adult and be social and go out and again, build a life and a community and that's when you're going to be able to find people with, when you're ready in that way. And it's okay if you're not right now. Hannah, thanks for the question and thank you everybody for emails. Thank you Michelle and thank you everyone for listening to the show. I hope you enjoyed it. I love to hear from you and know what topics you like, what you'd like to hear and also always ask your questions. And thank you for supporting the show. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Elisa, Michelle, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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